The illusion of control...

Most people confuse two words: control and power do not mean the same thing.

To try to control people, places, things, or situations in our lives is a feeble attempt to ward off anxiety that is brought on by the insecurity of not knowing the future with any degree of certainty. In fact, many of us spend an inordinate amount of time trying to control our world under the pretense of an argument that says "I am the one who has to harness the unpredictable forces of good and evil in my world because there is no one else who is going to do so." Thus, we spend time in our day trying to act in a way that suggests to ourselves and anyone else who is watching that we have our lives together and that we are secure against the demons at the door.

Now, for most people, this is not a big deal. Many are not overly troubled by their attempts to control things around them and they have a modicum of success handling what comes their way. If they manage to control things, then their world goes along without skipping a beat. If they fail at controlling, they muster up their courage to tackle the next set of unpredictables and forge ahead. But, for the alcoholic and drug addict, things can be quite different and the attempt at control can set them up for the feeling of failure...a deadly set of emotional responses that can (and usually does) lead directly to the bottle or the bong. Alcoholics and addicts are famous for setting up an impossible scenario for the God of their understanding when they whine that they have tried everything within their power to control the forces bearing down upon them and, because they have not done so, blame their God for forsaking and failing them. They are usually reinforced this way to believe that they must go it alone in a dog-eat-dog world.

What many alcoholics and addicts fail to understand is that in order to control some things in their lives they need power. Usually, after coming off a bender of a day or a decade, the average alcoholic and addict realizes that they haven't got much power over the forces in the universe to effect positive change in their lives. They have usually squandered any power sources they may have had and find themselves bereft of any of the usual power sources that can help people. They then erroneously conclude that there is no power in the world available to them and despair at ever being able to make a difference in their own lives. Alcoholics and addicts are famous for thinking that if they can't do it alone, then it's not worth doing at all.

So it is that I was intrigued recently when I read a paragraph in the AA Big Book that addressed this problem (it's always true for me now that the Big Book has an answer for everything that bothers me!). On page 386 of the new fourth edition, the writer talks about how he came to see that he had gained power in his life simply by being sober:

Here (in AA) I found an ingredient that had been lacking in any other effort I had made to save myself. Here was - power! Here was power to live to the end of any given day, power to have the courage to face the next day, power to have friends, power to help people, power to be sane, power to stay sober....Moreover, I am deeply convinced that so long as I continue to strive, in my bumbling way, toward the principles I first encountered in the earlier chapters of this book, this remarkable power will continue to flow through me.

It's here we see that the real source of power for recovering people as being the belief that, through spiritual principles inherent in the AA program, they are able to control their lives. It is by giving up the attempt to do everything themselves, and by giving themselves up entirely to this simple program, that they gain the power to actually work through adversity and suffering... and live. This is what we call the paradoxical effect of the belief in powerlessness as it is expressed when we find we are defenseless against alcohol and drugs: By giving up the attempt to control, we gain it.

Always, this is a giving up of oneself to a power greater than oneself. And, that's usually where the rub happens for the average alcoholic or addict struggling with recovery. Many people don't want to give up the illusion of control and they continue to tell themselves they are able to control their drinking and drugging behaviors as well as every other aspect of their lives. When they fail it justifies drinking or drugging. In fact, usually alcoholics and addicts who an enlightened, and see themselves as unable to muster that power within themselves, turn to a God of their understanding to help them. And, it works.

Such belief provides the power to do what we can no longer do for ourselves...the power that the alcoholic on page 386 has found in his life and freely passes on to us.

All the best,

Roger W.