It's been three days now since I have received a phone call from a person I sponsor in the 12 Step program. As his sponsor, he and I agreed I would work with him to help him maintain abstinence from alcohol...he had ben clean for just over 30 days when he stopped calling me.
Clearly, he has relapsed.
Now, some may wonder how I can be so sure he has relapsed given the many different reasons that exist for why a person might not call. It's true, he might have been in a very bad accident and now be in a hospital bed somewhere. But, the chances of that being the case for a chronic alcoholic are slim to none. Usually, when they stop doing something that is inherently good - like calling their sponsor - they do it because they have relapsed.
It is very possible that he has not had a drink yet. By that I mean, he may very well have relapsed without yet taking that first drink. How does that happen?...It's the nature of the disease of addiction that a relapse does not happen simply by a person putting a drink of a drug into their bodies. Rather, a relapse happens when there is an interruption in a pattern of health that has helped maintain abstinence.
In that case, he has undoubtedly relapsed.
Classic relapse theory does not disappoint us when we study how it is that a person relapses on a drink or a drug. There are usually three reasons for a relapse: 1) that there is some critical life event that has taken place causing a negative emotional state (death of someone close, eviction), and this accounts for about 30% of the cases; 2) interpersonal conflict that accounts for about 15% of the cases; 3) social pressures that account for about 20% of the cases. The remaining 35% of the cases are attributable to a wide diversity of causes and one can easily imagine them.
In this young man's case I suggest it is probably the first condition that has caused this relapse...he is in some negative emotional state. This is probably brought on by a common occurrence with him: He has a tendency to take on an enormous number of projects that place a severe obligation on him, and, when he gets to a certain point of frustration and pain with them all, he drinks in order to reward himself for suffering through them. In other words, this man is so burdened by pressure to perform in so many different spheres - family, work, finances, and internal need for achievement - that he cracks at some point and needs the quick fix of instant pleasure that a cocktail will bring him. He is incapable at that point of reasoning to the downside of taking that cocktail and sees nothing but the relief of the short term pain.
So, he's relapsed...he has probably had a drink, but he has certainly not taken care of the essential processes he must go through daily in order to prevent drinking, and, therefore, has relapsed. What should be my response? This is the art of sponsorship. First, it would be wrong for me to call him. He needs to make that call to me when he is ready, either before he takes that first drink or shortly after it, because for me to call him first will only increase the amount of shame and guilt and further move him away from me. Second, when he does call (as they most often do when they regain their composure and can admit to the relapse) I need to accept him with positive regard and encouragement...something I may not be willing to muster right now because of my disappointment.
There is a lesson in this for all of us. We need to recognize that relapse back to an old habit or addiction starts with small and seemingly insignificant events (no phone call) and can bloom into a full-blown series of problems that take us right back to where we started. The secret to not having this happen is to do what we do when we consider fire prevention...we run fire drills. In this business, we need to run drills about high risk situations, negative emotional situations, interpersonal problems or social pressures to prepare ourselves for the inevitable relapse that will come if we don't succeed in working through them in a healthy way.
In this case, when he calls, we'll start all over again with a fire drill...and hope we never get to this point again.
All the best, Roger W.
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