Routine interruption...

There finally no denying it: After being hit this week with one of the most debilitating head and chest colds I've ever had it is clear there is something wrong with my immune system. I flew to Boston for my annual trip and caught some bug probably from the little boy two seats over from me on the flight in. This is not the first time it happens. In fact, I usually get sick following flights. That didn't on the recent cruise is a miracle. What could be causing this?

My sister - who is usually right about these things - says it sounds like Lymme's disease to her. My partner is convinced it's because I don't get enough exercise. That's true and can certainly account for the soreness and stiffness I have whenever I move. Some people think it's because I don't drink enough water, I am overweight, or I work too hard. There could be any number of reason but none, except Lymme's, is an explanation for the systemic pain (and I'm pretty sure the Mayo doctors ruled that out).

This problem is never so evident as when I am sick. The colds are getting worse. They leveled me yesterday I could barely see straight. The coughing in incredible...I literally coughed all night. Today the symptoms are ebbing, but I'm still disoriented and deaf and that it effecting my mood.

I guess that's why I write about this here. Each time I get sick I can instantaneously revert back to the son of a bitch I used to be when I was using. I'm grouchy and crabby and argumentative. I'm intolerant and I'm nasty. I make everyone close to me feel awkward and they walk on those eggshells again around me. The cold, the weakness, the deafness, the lack of sleep all add up to a formula for disaster. And my relationships are greatly effected.

I'm lucky that my relationships are as strong as they are because my mother and other members of the family would have thrown me away long ago. But it doesn't mean I ought to abuse them the way I do when I get sick. I feel so fragile, helpless, vulnerable when I'm sick, and these are uncomfortable feelings to have. I need to learn how to gently express the need to be sick by myself and to not antagonize anyone simply because I'm having a bad few days.

In the meantime I have to do something about the growing debilitating condition I find myself in when I'm sick. I'm going to revisit Mayo's test results. I'm going to get a COPD inhaler, try to eat better and exercise through the pain. Something's got to change, and it's me.

All the best, Roger W.