Today, I am grateful NA exists. Were it not for this fellowship I may not have been able to stay clean all these years. And, the overall acceptance NA members have had for me at nearly every turn has spelled the difference between who I was before and who I became after December 19, 1987.
NA accepted me when I could not accept myself, and that is its extraordinary Power. When I was struggling with identifying as being an addict, NA was there to help me. When I was desperately trying to identify with NA peers by overstating my drug use history in those early years, they accepted me despite knowing I was doing that. I have long struggled with being accepted for who I am, and I have often created a "personna of the moment" just to fit in. It almost always worked...people accepted who I presented myself as being. Only problem was, I felt I did not belong. It took years before I felt comfortable with being a member of a club where I had basically faked my way in. Adapting the way I did worked since I was able to stay clean and enjoy NA's fellowship, but it always came at the price of me not feeling welcome.
It took years before I was able to tell my story in NA from a truthful point of view because of the shame at thinking I had gained entry based on lies and fabrication. I feel I have hurt some people along the way and I do not like looking at that fact. But, as Mary (my counselor at the drug rehab center where I got clean) once told me, I will change my behaviors when I truly realize that of all the people harmed by my behaviors, I am the one who has been harmed the most. I hurt myself when I lied to NA.
I need to come to accept that my alcoholism - comparatively shallow as it was - was sufficiently bad enough to cause me extraordinary pain and earn admission into the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I need to repeat to myself that the loss of jobs, two marriages, access to my children, numerous personal relationships, and my mental health were all due to drinking and taking drugs. I need to keep it very green that I was one of those people whose personality change was total and dramatic - every bit as much as the change between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - when I drank and smoked marijuana or Thai sticks. And even now, 23 years after my last drink, I need to remember that it is not the drug I use, or when or how much of it I use, but the fact that I can become addicted to any drug that causes a threat or consequence in my life. I cannot drink safely. I cannot use other drugs safely. Moreover, I cannot afford the loss of my mental health when I use because I become unsafe.
NA knows this and uses its power of the fellowship to keep me in the fold by having other members welcome me and accept me as the man I am today. In fact, this is very much a Higher Power for me today that I trust will keep me clean. This Power knows what only other addicts can fully understand and appreciate: I was once obsessed with drugs in my life and compelled to use them even when my will was to not use. There is no other place on earth that I can find where I will be so accepted. And, this makes me grateful today. "My gratitude speaks when I care and when I share the NA way..." the prayer goes, and I hope to return the love, acceptance and care to fellow addicts everyday.
So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear!
All the best, Roger W.
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
PS on gratitude...
Well...strange things can sometimes happen.
I found out that my PSA level (that measures if I have any recurrence of cancer) has gone down since my last test three months ago. It went from 0.25 in March, to 0.24 today...not a lot of movement, but enough for the doctor to give me a big thumbs up and tell me not to worry any more about what is going on.
It's great news! With all that we have been going through since February, it is astounding news that the level are receding. The doctor attributes this to the fact I may just be a man who has a rise in PSA level for some, unknown reason, not necessarily because it is cancer. So, I'm out of the weeds it seems. We'll test it every three months just to check.
Now, my gratitude has increased even more. A cancer scare is never a good thing, but, in my case, I think it accomplished a couple of things. Foremost is that it tested my faith. Those who know me understand I am not a flamboyantly religious person, but I have developed a level of faith in the great forces of our universe that there is a guiding set of principles which - if you are in harmony with them - will guide me in the right direction. In this case, the direction was to maintain confidence that this scare was only that...a scare. To accept it as it was unfolding was difficult at times, but I did accept what was happening as it presented itself, without having a prolonged bout of sadness, regret, or anger. I was told by everyone that, if I kept the faith, all would turn out OK. And it did. Also, this episode bonded me closer to people. I felt a deep connection to my family, Twyla, George, Mary Kay, Marilyn, and Michael - my main support system. They never let me languish in self pity or dwell on the negative aspects of this problem. In fact, Twyla even said that if we concentrate real hard on positive things about this that we can drive the PSA level down...and it did! Amazing.
But, perhaps one of the most important things to come out of this is gratitude. To see the people at Mayo, with an array of devastating illnesses, walk through the experience of treatment with dignity and often good humor, was very important for me to do. It gave me perspective on my own life. It made my life more valuable to me. It chopped hard at my self-centeredness and made me grateful.
They say in Narcotics Anonymous that, "A grateful addict will never use." I am that grateful addict who has a host of friends, overall good health, a good job, great family, and a bright future. Now, what more could a guy ask for?...except perhaps to catch that hulking 20+ pound large mouth bass on fly line!
All the best, Roger W.
I found out that my PSA level (that measures if I have any recurrence of cancer) has gone down since my last test three months ago. It went from 0.25 in March, to 0.24 today...not a lot of movement, but enough for the doctor to give me a big thumbs up and tell me not to worry any more about what is going on.
It's great news! With all that we have been going through since February, it is astounding news that the level are receding. The doctor attributes this to the fact I may just be a man who has a rise in PSA level for some, unknown reason, not necessarily because it is cancer. So, I'm out of the weeds it seems. We'll test it every three months just to check.
Now, my gratitude has increased even more. A cancer scare is never a good thing, but, in my case, I think it accomplished a couple of things. Foremost is that it tested my faith. Those who know me understand I am not a flamboyantly religious person, but I have developed a level of faith in the great forces of our universe that there is a guiding set of principles which - if you are in harmony with them - will guide me in the right direction. In this case, the direction was to maintain confidence that this scare was only that...a scare. To accept it as it was unfolding was difficult at times, but I did accept what was happening as it presented itself, without having a prolonged bout of sadness, regret, or anger. I was told by everyone that, if I kept the faith, all would turn out OK. And it did. Also, this episode bonded me closer to people. I felt a deep connection to my family, Twyla, George, Mary Kay, Marilyn, and Michael - my main support system. They never let me languish in self pity or dwell on the negative aspects of this problem. In fact, Twyla even said that if we concentrate real hard on positive things about this that we can drive the PSA level down...and it did! Amazing.
But, perhaps one of the most important things to come out of this is gratitude. To see the people at Mayo, with an array of devastating illnesses, walk through the experience of treatment with dignity and often good humor, was very important for me to do. It gave me perspective on my own life. It made my life more valuable to me. It chopped hard at my self-centeredness and made me grateful.
They say in Narcotics Anonymous that, "A grateful addict will never use." I am that grateful addict who has a host of friends, overall good health, a good job, great family, and a bright future. Now, what more could a guy ask for?...except perhaps to catch that hulking 20+ pound large mouth bass on fly line!
All the best, Roger W.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Happy Holidays!
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and Happy Holidays to everyone!
One of the difficult parts of my job is that I have to work on Christmas Day. The fact that I work in a residential treatment program means that the patients are always here and presenting for treatment. So, someone has to do it and I generally volunteer because it is a rough time for many young men away from home and family, and I can attend to them when they need help.
However, one of the good things about my job is that I work on Christmas Day! The overall lack of supervisors and fellow workers, combined with the cutbacks in and re-design of the schedule, means I have time to write in my blog.
One of the subjects that typically comes up in 12 Step meetings this time of year is gratitude. Addicts and alcoholics in recovery generally have a lot of gratitude for their new-found life and they love to express it in the halls and rooms of recovery. So, I thought I'd express some of the things I am grateful for this Holiday Season.
Foremost has to be my gratitude for my family. There was a time when I was using that I felt estranged from my family. This was because I was living a lie - about my use - and frequently couldn't be around them much less look them in the eye with the truth. I felt they were moving away from me. A strange aspect to this is that it was only in recovery that I learned that my family had never really left me.
I was enabled by my Mom because she loves me deeply and always would do what she could to help me. She would arrange for money when I was particularly strapped because I refused to take responsibility for my life. I exploited this love and begged and borrowed from her throughout the using years. This was also a hard character defect to shake in early recovery as well and showed how deeply my disease ran. Today I am very grateful for her love and support and am humbled by how much she has stuck by me all these years.
My sister was also a victim to my using as our relationship was cool and distant throughout those years when I felt I was better than everyone else and I didn't need to nurture relationships. But, her love for me and care and concern came when I needed it most: I was struggling with a few years clean in recovery and wanted to give up and die, but she wouldn't let me and confronted me hard when I needed it. I am amazed at her willingness to do this after years of kicking her to the curb. She was - like she usually is - right on the mark about my need to get up, out of bed, stop moping around and get busy with recovery. I am grateful for that.
My now full-grown children also stuck by me and are important parts of my life today. There should be no way that my daughters should be involved with my life after my leaving them at an early age because I was in the throes of addiction and self-centered behaviors. But, here they both are willing to be a part of my life and share their's with me. It's only because I have been present in their life since I got clean that they decided to jump back on my boat as I sail on the river of my life. My son is a joy to me. He never really saw the effects of addiction in his life because he was so small when I left him. I was clean, but I was not well when I lived with him in recovery and he has stuck by me through thick and thin times. He remembers financial poverty, but the abundance of love and I am grateful for him in my life today. These adult children have always made me proud, especially since they have had to overcome the fact that they are children of an alcoholic and addict. I am immensely grateful to them today.
Of course, there is my extended friends and family that has always boosted me up and made me feel very special. This was a liability when I was using because it made me feel I didn't need them and I walked away many times back then. But, in recovery I have grown to appreciate the bonds of extended love in my family and I also have gratitude for this. Like most people, I have a few stalwart friends who never seem to tire of me, my stories and my needs.
I am also grateful for my life today. There was a point once when I didn't want to have a life, when things never made sense to me and I wanted to die. But today, surrounded by family and recovering friends, I feel alive like I had never thought possible before. One of the things that sustains me in this is the freindship I have forged with other members of the 12 Step community, especially Narcotics Anonymous. Fellow addicts have been an inspiration for me since the very beinning of my recovering life and continue so to this day. I am especially grateful for my brothers an sisters who do Hospital and Institutions work with me today.
Gratitude...not only a belief and a feeling, but also a practice that has been in my life since the beginning of my recovery.
One of the difficult parts of my job is that I have to work on Christmas Day. The fact that I work in a residential treatment program means that the patients are always here and presenting for treatment. So, someone has to do it and I generally volunteer because it is a rough time for many young men away from home and family, and I can attend to them when they need help.
However, one of the good things about my job is that I work on Christmas Day! The overall lack of supervisors and fellow workers, combined with the cutbacks in and re-design of the schedule, means I have time to write in my blog.
One of the subjects that typically comes up in 12 Step meetings this time of year is gratitude. Addicts and alcoholics in recovery generally have a lot of gratitude for their new-found life and they love to express it in the halls and rooms of recovery. So, I thought I'd express some of the things I am grateful for this Holiday Season.
Foremost has to be my gratitude for my family. There was a time when I was using that I felt estranged from my family. This was because I was living a lie - about my use - and frequently couldn't be around them much less look them in the eye with the truth. I felt they were moving away from me. A strange aspect to this is that it was only in recovery that I learned that my family had never really left me.
I was enabled by my Mom because she loves me deeply and always would do what she could to help me. She would arrange for money when I was particularly strapped because I refused to take responsibility for my life. I exploited this love and begged and borrowed from her throughout the using years. This was also a hard character defect to shake in early recovery as well and showed how deeply my disease ran. Today I am very grateful for her love and support and am humbled by how much she has stuck by me all these years.
My sister was also a victim to my using as our relationship was cool and distant throughout those years when I felt I was better than everyone else and I didn't need to nurture relationships. But, her love for me and care and concern came when I needed it most: I was struggling with a few years clean in recovery and wanted to give up and die, but she wouldn't let me and confronted me hard when I needed it. I am amazed at her willingness to do this after years of kicking her to the curb. She was - like she usually is - right on the mark about my need to get up, out of bed, stop moping around and get busy with recovery. I am grateful for that.
My now full-grown children also stuck by me and are important parts of my life today. There should be no way that my daughters should be involved with my life after my leaving them at an early age because I was in the throes of addiction and self-centered behaviors. But, here they both are willing to be a part of my life and share their's with me. It's only because I have been present in their life since I got clean that they decided to jump back on my boat as I sail on the river of my life. My son is a joy to me. He never really saw the effects of addiction in his life because he was so small when I left him. I was clean, but I was not well when I lived with him in recovery and he has stuck by me through thick and thin times. He remembers financial poverty, but the abundance of love and I am grateful for him in my life today. These adult children have always made me proud, especially since they have had to overcome the fact that they are children of an alcoholic and addict. I am immensely grateful to them today.
Of course, there is my extended friends and family that has always boosted me up and made me feel very special. This was a liability when I was using because it made me feel I didn't need them and I walked away many times back then. But, in recovery I have grown to appreciate the bonds of extended love in my family and I also have gratitude for this. Like most people, I have a few stalwart friends who never seem to tire of me, my stories and my needs.
I am also grateful for my life today. There was a point once when I didn't want to have a life, when things never made sense to me and I wanted to die. But today, surrounded by family and recovering friends, I feel alive like I had never thought possible before. One of the things that sustains me in this is the freindship I have forged with other members of the 12 Step community, especially Narcotics Anonymous. Fellow addicts have been an inspiration for me since the very beinning of my recovering life and continue so to this day. I am especially grateful for my brothers an sisters who do Hospital and Institutions work with me today.
Gratitude...not only a belief and a feeling, but also a practice that has been in my life since the beginning of my recovery.
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