Today, I am grateful NA exists. Were it not for this fellowship I may not have been able to stay clean all these years. And, the overall acceptance NA members have had for me at nearly every turn has spelled the difference between who I was before and who I became after December 19, 1987.
NA accepted me when I could not accept myself, and that is its extraordinary Power. When I was struggling with identifying as being an addict, NA was there to help me. When I was desperately trying to identify with NA peers by overstating my drug use history in those early years, they accepted me despite knowing I was doing that. I have long struggled with being accepted for who I am, and I have often created a "personna of the moment" just to fit in. It almost always worked...people accepted who I presented myself as being. Only problem was, I felt I did not belong. It took years before I felt comfortable with being a member of a club where I had basically faked my way in. Adapting the way I did worked since I was able to stay clean and enjoy NA's fellowship, but it always came at the price of me not feeling welcome.
It took years before I was able to tell my story in NA from a truthful point of view because of the shame at thinking I had gained entry based on lies and fabrication. I feel I have hurt some people along the way and I do not like looking at that fact. But, as Mary (my counselor at the drug rehab center where I got clean) once told me, I will change my behaviors when I truly realize that of all the people harmed by my behaviors, I am the one who has been harmed the most. I hurt myself when I lied to NA.
I need to come to accept that my alcoholism - comparatively shallow as it was - was sufficiently bad enough to cause me extraordinary pain and earn admission into the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I need to repeat to myself that the loss of jobs, two marriages, access to my children, numerous personal relationships, and my mental health were all due to drinking and taking drugs. I need to keep it very green that I was one of those people whose personality change was total and dramatic - every bit as much as the change between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - when I drank and smoked marijuana or Thai sticks. And even now, 23 years after my last drink, I need to remember that it is not the drug I use, or when or how much of it I use, but the fact that I can become addicted to any drug that causes a threat or consequence in my life. I cannot drink safely. I cannot use other drugs safely. Moreover, I cannot afford the loss of my mental health when I use because I become unsafe.
NA knows this and uses its power of the fellowship to keep me in the fold by having other members welcome me and accept me as the man I am today. In fact, this is very much a Higher Power for me today that I trust will keep me clean. This Power knows what only other addicts can fully understand and appreciate: I was once obsessed with drugs in my life and compelled to use them even when my will was to not use. There is no other place on earth that I can find where I will be so accepted. And, this makes me grateful today. "My gratitude speaks when I care and when I share the NA way..." the prayer goes, and I hope to return the love, acceptance and care to fellow addicts everyday.
So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear!
All the best, Roger W.
Showing posts with label NA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NA. Show all posts
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Just for Today...
My Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous fell from my desk recently and flipped open to page 100. "Just for Today" is written on that page, and I took it as a sign that there was a need for me to review that series of slogans in my life. It goes like this:
Tell yourself:
Just for today my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.
Just for today I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
Just for today I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability.
Just for today through NA I will try to get a better perspective on my life.
Just for Today I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new ways of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
Some of you may recognize a few of these phrases for I have consistently used parts of Just for Today in several blog entries. There is a reason for that...I believe wholeheartedly in what this says because Just for Today saved my life.
When I first got clean in 1987, I used to go to meetings at a place called the Crossroads Club in Delray Beach FL. The people and meetings there made such a strong emotional impression on me that I can picture the faces of the people in those rooms to this day. And, I remember their names...Jerry, the gambler with the massive cocaine addition; Kennedy, the weightlifter who would do two or three 12-step calls on suffering addicts a week; Don, my sponsor, who was 66 years old and had 6 strong years of recovery under his belt; Bobby, the suicidal pot smoker, who survived a shotgun blast to his face after a busted attempt to shoot himself. The people and more formed the core of healthy people that I initially relied upon to save my life.
At first, surrounded by all these recovering addicts whose using lives seemed so much more chaotic and hopeless than my relatively normal existence, I felt I didn't fit in. "I was different" I said to myself. Don was the first to remind me that no one gets to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous by mistake and there was a reason for me being there. He was right: My inability to live in the moment, in the day, in the time I had been given to live a productive life...that inability to live life on life's terms was the chief cause for the collapse of my life that was directly related to my use of drugs. He is the one who first took me to Just for Today, and I have never looked back since.
Today, I only think about recovery and living life as best I can. Today, I have faith that someone wants to help me and is there for me when I need him or her. Today, I have a strong program of recovery and I follow its guidance. Today, I have a true perspective on my life. And, today, I am unafraid of life and I focus on what I have with respect and gratitude.
That's all I really need to do to stay well. It is so simple. It is elegant. It is real. For the book to flip open at this page could be due to its well-worn groove in the binding. Or, one might say it's a reminder for me to look carefully at my life today to see that I am living one day at a time. It makes no difference which it is. I just take it as it comes to me with all the goodness and hope that it provides.
So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
Tell yourself:
Just for today my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.
Just for today I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
Just for today I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability.
Just for today through NA I will try to get a better perspective on my life.
Just for Today I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new ways of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
Some of you may recognize a few of these phrases for I have consistently used parts of Just for Today in several blog entries. There is a reason for that...I believe wholeheartedly in what this says because Just for Today saved my life.
When I first got clean in 1987, I used to go to meetings at a place called the Crossroads Club in Delray Beach FL. The people and meetings there made such a strong emotional impression on me that I can picture the faces of the people in those rooms to this day. And, I remember their names...Jerry, the gambler with the massive cocaine addition; Kennedy, the weightlifter who would do two or three 12-step calls on suffering addicts a week; Don, my sponsor, who was 66 years old and had 6 strong years of recovery under his belt; Bobby, the suicidal pot smoker, who survived a shotgun blast to his face after a busted attempt to shoot himself. The people and more formed the core of healthy people that I initially relied upon to save my life.
At first, surrounded by all these recovering addicts whose using lives seemed so much more chaotic and hopeless than my relatively normal existence, I felt I didn't fit in. "I was different" I said to myself. Don was the first to remind me that no one gets to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous by mistake and there was a reason for me being there. He was right: My inability to live in the moment, in the day, in the time I had been given to live a productive life...that inability to live life on life's terms was the chief cause for the collapse of my life that was directly related to my use of drugs. He is the one who first took me to Just for Today, and I have never looked back since.
Today, I only think about recovery and living life as best I can. Today, I have faith that someone wants to help me and is there for me when I need him or her. Today, I have a strong program of recovery and I follow its guidance. Today, I have a true perspective on my life. And, today, I am unafraid of life and I focus on what I have with respect and gratitude.
That's all I really need to do to stay well. It is so simple. It is elegant. It is real. For the book to flip open at this page could be due to its well-worn groove in the binding. Or, one might say it's a reminder for me to look carefully at my life today to see that I am living one day at a time. It makes no difference which it is. I just take it as it comes to me with all the goodness and hope that it provides.
So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Fellowship...
One of the comforting things about being involved with a 12 Step program is the fellowship it affords with other recovering people. Fellowship is not a common word in today's lexicon. We are often too busy with commitments to afford the time to sit and enjoy others, and the ever-present cell phone sometimes has a mind of its own that draws us away from relationships. If you are like me, then you occasionally seek out chances to be with others to renew the bond.
That's what fellowship in Narcotics and Alcoholics Anonymous programs do: They provide the recovering person with a time and place to enjoy maximum contact with other people who have experience, strength, and hope to share about recovery. Addiction is a disease of many things, but primarily it is a disease of isolation. Whether we used in public or private, we sooner or later came to realize that we were alone in our addictive behavior, hiding it from everyone we could who was healthy in our lives, and avoiding prolonged contact with those we did use with. When we were trying to get the drugs, we were obsessed with finding them and using them so there was little time or need to get to know people around us for who they really were. When we were using drugs, we held ourselves away from people because we certainly didn't want to share and needed to protect our supply. And, when we were coming down in withdrawal we avoided people so they would not see our pain. NA and AA know these things and that is why they ask we share recovery in fellowship with other people.
Certainly, fellowship comes in many forms, but the most recent examples for me are impressive markers for how far I have come in moving away from being isolated. There are the meetings I attend where I join with others in the rituals of our recovery, reading passages from our literature and listening to speakers or sharing our story. There are the times when I speak on the phone about NA business or just to hear a friend in recovery talk about their pain or joy. But, the most recent situations that have impressed me with the opportunity for fellowship come from working with fellow addicts on projects related to the Hospitals and Institutions subcommittee we work on for NA. H&I is a group of people who carry the message of recovery to people who cannot make it to a regular NA meeting such as those in detoxes, jails, or hospitals. There is a remarkable bonding that occurs among a group of people who are devoting time and energy to helping others and the H&I work we do gives each of us a chance to benefit from that bonding.
Truly, the organizers of the 12 Step programs were geniuses. We know that. But, we often don't think about the fact that one of the things that most clearly shows that genius is in the simple phrase, "We can't keep what we are not willing to give away." This sounds paradoxical to many outside the program, but it means that a recovering person cannot hold onto recovery without giving away their message of recovery to people who are suffering in the throes of addiction. An H&I panel discussion in a facility is not the only way to do that. The opportunity for fellowship with other recovering people at meetings, coffee hours afterwards, dances, trips, conventions and simple one-on-one talks also spreads that message.
So, today, I am not isolated in some deep, dark hole of addictive behavior, but I stand in the bright sunshine among my peers whose love and compassion are felt every day. And, for that, I am truly grateful.
All the best, Roger W.
That's what fellowship in Narcotics and Alcoholics Anonymous programs do: They provide the recovering person with a time and place to enjoy maximum contact with other people who have experience, strength, and hope to share about recovery. Addiction is a disease of many things, but primarily it is a disease of isolation. Whether we used in public or private, we sooner or later came to realize that we were alone in our addictive behavior, hiding it from everyone we could who was healthy in our lives, and avoiding prolonged contact with those we did use with. When we were trying to get the drugs, we were obsessed with finding them and using them so there was little time or need to get to know people around us for who they really were. When we were using drugs, we held ourselves away from people because we certainly didn't want to share and needed to protect our supply. And, when we were coming down in withdrawal we avoided people so they would not see our pain. NA and AA know these things and that is why they ask we share recovery in fellowship with other people.
Certainly, fellowship comes in many forms, but the most recent examples for me are impressive markers for how far I have come in moving away from being isolated. There are the meetings I attend where I join with others in the rituals of our recovery, reading passages from our literature and listening to speakers or sharing our story. There are the times when I speak on the phone about NA business or just to hear a friend in recovery talk about their pain or joy. But, the most recent situations that have impressed me with the opportunity for fellowship come from working with fellow addicts on projects related to the Hospitals and Institutions subcommittee we work on for NA. H&I is a group of people who carry the message of recovery to people who cannot make it to a regular NA meeting such as those in detoxes, jails, or hospitals. There is a remarkable bonding that occurs among a group of people who are devoting time and energy to helping others and the H&I work we do gives each of us a chance to benefit from that bonding.
Truly, the organizers of the 12 Step programs were geniuses. We know that. But, we often don't think about the fact that one of the things that most clearly shows that genius is in the simple phrase, "We can't keep what we are not willing to give away." This sounds paradoxical to many outside the program, but it means that a recovering person cannot hold onto recovery without giving away their message of recovery to people who are suffering in the throes of addiction. An H&I panel discussion in a facility is not the only way to do that. The opportunity for fellowship with other recovering people at meetings, coffee hours afterwards, dances, trips, conventions and simple one-on-one talks also spreads that message.
So, today, I am not isolated in some deep, dark hole of addictive behavior, but I stand in the bright sunshine among my peers whose love and compassion are felt every day. And, for that, I am truly grateful.
All the best, Roger W.
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