A Useful Metaphor...

When I am trying to explain the power of the disease of addiction to one of my patients, I sometimes use an escalator as a metaphor to describe how relapse works in the lives of recovering people.

Have you ever tried to walk up a "down" escalator? Most of us have tried this when we were kids. There's a certain thrill as we run up the moving steps and try to beat the constant flow of stairs moving against us.

In every respect, this is like the disease of addiction.

An escalator going down can easily represent the disease of addiction: It is constantly moving and changing and going in only one direction...down. It is trying to take us from a high place to a low one. It is trying to use its considerable power to transport us, change us, from one condition (being someplace we might not want to be) to another place (someplace we think is better).

So too, the disease of addiction is pulling at a recovering person to change his or her place in recovery. The disease is going only in one direction...down...and its considerable energy will transport us from someplace where the disease does not want to be (in recovery) to another place (relapse). And, this energy pushing down is relentless, powerful and aggressive.

Now...what happens when you start walking up this down escalator? When you jump on you immediately recognize that you must either keep up with the downward pressure or move faster than it in order to not be dragged down to the bottom. So, most people find the pace of the escalator and climb with a steady gait. The trouble with this solution is that sooner or later you notice that you are not going anywhere, get bored or fatigued, and generally give in soon to the pressure and give up. There are adventurous souls who want to climb to the top by going faster than the speed of the stairs, and they begin their ascent. They run up the stairs by leaps and bounds, or they make steady headway with a pace faster than the escalator, and sooner or later, they end up at the top having beaten the system arranged against them.

So too with recovery. If you generally just try to keep pace with the forces of relapse that are arrayed against you, sooner or later you realize that this is boring, you get fatigued and give up to those pressures and let them drag you down. If your strategy after a period of time of trying to keep pace is to rest for a moment and stand still on the stairs, you soon notice that the pressure of relapse keeps moving you down...you cannot stand pat in your recovery. But, if your strategy is to move continuously forward in recovery, you will move at a pace that is faster than the forces that would bring you down and you will eventually beat out some of those forces by reaching the goal of serenity.

I mention this to people who seem to be stuck in recovery, or listless and drifting, or even those who want to take a break from the rigor of striving against the powerful relapse warning signs, triggers and high risk situations that are arrayed against them daily. It's not enough to just keep pace with these signs of relapse, and it's certainly not sufficient to stand pat for a while when just trying to gather yourself together enough to figure out what is going on. Regrettably, a recovering person must always be moving forward in their recovery lest the forces of relapse surrounding them take over their recovery pace and push them down into full-blown chaos again.

I think this metaphor is useful to describe the forces of any addiction that is working against a person's recovery. Whether it be alcohol or other drugs, food, sex, gambling, spending, hoarding, or any type of compulsive behavior, there are forces that can drag a person down and spur a relapse. The solution is to have a child-like approach to life and scramble forward at a pace greater than these forces.

So long as I follow that way I have nothing to fear.

All the best, Roger W.

Back to Business...

Now that some of my family have left for home, it's time to get back to the basic routines and business of my life.

Activities of daily living can be boring at times. The rising, showering, shaving, and brushing the beard every morning can get old unless I remember that there was a time when I wouldn't do these things because of a deep depression. For quite a while during my drinking and drugging heyday I managed to keep things together. In fact, I seemed to always have work and needed to function in my daily life, so I tried to look good and take care of myself. But then, around the end, it became obvious I didn't care any more and gave up on taking care of myself. Oddly enough, when I got clean, psychological functioning didn't get better at first: In fact, I slumped even more into depression at the beginning of recovery and let myself go completely at times. I think of those days today when I am getting ready for work, grateful for having the chance to take care of myself and certainly grateful for having a job to go to that encourages me to do that.

Today's reading in NA's Just for Today reaffirms this. In "Old Dreams Needn't Die", the reading talks about how our dreams were dashed when we were using because we pursued pleasure at all cost and put our futures on hold. Recovery gives us the daily chance to renew our dreams. We find that "our lost dreams can still come true" when we practice recovering principles in our daily life, and we discover things about ourselves that we may not have known or appreciated. In my case, even coming late in recovery, I discovered the happiness that studying brought me and how pursuing my PhD gives me hope for a bright future. This is remarkable stuff indeed given how I squandered so much time ripping and running through my addicted lifestyle.

So, today, it's back to basics. It's renewing myself each day through activities of daily living that show the pride I have in myself and the constant pursuit of dreams that spur me on. This is all brought to me through the miracle of recovery in NA, my daily reprieve from the horrors of addiction. So long as I follow that way I have nothing to fear.

All the best, Roger W.

Bill W Film #4...

I finally found the 4th installment of the film Bill W and Lois made about his experience, strength and hope for recovery. It took a while, but, thanks to You Tube, we have it and are offering it to you here, on The Happy Hour.

The importance of this film cannot be over emphasized. Bill certainly had a way with words and some of the written wording and phrasing in the "Big Book" and the "12 and 12" is sometimes a little flowery and overly developed. That was just his way as the character defects of grandiosity and pomposity appear to creep into his writing every now and again. As a fellow New Englander, however, I recognize in his language a matter-of-fact and clipped way of presenting ideas that is relatively free of emotion and uncluttered by intellectual jargon. This film shows his true nature as a man who struggled mightily with addiction and had a colorful lifestyle to back it up. It also puts some flesh on the bare bones of the written legacy he left us. Here he gives us a picture of himself the way he truly was.

So, sit back and enjoy the latest in Bill's story of how it came to be that he discovered the power of one alcoholic helping another.

All the best, Roger W.

Recovery Month...

Just found out that someone from the Recovery Month unit at the US Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration is following this blog. They are a great organization, so I thought I would give them a plug.

Recovery Month is an annual observance that takes place during the month of September.

The Recovery Month observance highlights the societal benefits of substance abuse treatment, lauds the contributions of treatment providers and promotes the message that recovery from substance abuse in all its forms is possible. The observance also encourages citizens to take action to help expand and improve the availability of effective substance abuse treatment for those in need. Each year a new theme, or emphasis, is selected for the observance.

Recovery Month provides a platform to celebrate people in recovery and those who serve them. Each September, thousands of treatment programs around the country celebrate their successes and share them with their neighbors, friends, and colleagues in an effort to educate the public about treatment, how it works, for whom, and why. Substance abuse treatment providers have made significant accomplishments, having transformed the lives of untold thousands of Americans. These successes often go unnoticed by the broader population; therefore, Recovery Month provides a vehicle to celebrate these successes.

Recovery Month also serves to educate the public on substance abuse as a national health crisis, that addiction is a treatable disease, and that recovery is possible. Recovery Month highlights the benefits of treatment for not only the affected individual, but for their family, friends, workplace, and society as a whole. Educating the public reduces the stigma associated with addiction and treatment. Accurate knowledge of the disease helps people to understand the importance of supporting treatment programs, those who work within the treatment field, and those in need of treatment.

Recovery Month is more than just a month-long celebration of everything about recovery from addiction. This year's theme is "Join the Voices of Recovery...Now More Than Ever". Their web site at http://www.recoverymonth.gov is the most authoritative place to find activities and events that might be scheduled in your state. For those states where is there are no scheduled events, perhaps you, your employer, or organization can sponsor one during September.

So check out The Recovery Month site and have some fun in recovery!

All the best, Roger W.

Fellowship...

One of the comforting things about being involved with a 12 Step program is the fellowship it affords with other recovering people. Fellowship is not a common word in today's lexicon. We are often too busy with commitments to afford the time to sit and enjoy others, and the ever-present cell phone sometimes has a mind of its own that draws us away from relationships. If you are like me, then you occasionally seek out chances to be with others to renew the bond.

That's what fellowship in Narcotics and Alcoholics Anonymous programs do: They provide the recovering person with a time and place to enjoy maximum contact with other people who have experience, strength, and hope to share about recovery. Addiction is a disease of many things, but primarily it is a disease of isolation. Whether we used in public or private, we sooner or later came to realize that we were alone in our addictive behavior, hiding it from everyone we could who was healthy in our lives, and avoiding prolonged contact with those we did use with. When we were trying to get the drugs, we were obsessed with finding them and using them so there was little time or need to get to know people around us for who they really were. When we were using drugs, we held ourselves away from people because we certainly didn't want to share and needed to protect our supply. And, when we were coming down in withdrawal we avoided people so they would not see our pain. NA and AA know these things and that is why they ask we share recovery in fellowship with other people.

Certainly, fellowship comes in many forms, but the most recent examples for me are impressive markers for how far I have come in moving away from being isolated. There are the meetings I attend where I join with others in the rituals of our recovery, reading passages from our literature and listening to speakers or sharing our story. There are the times when I speak on the phone about NA business or just to hear a friend in recovery talk about their pain or joy. But, the most recent situations that have impressed me with the opportunity for fellowship come from working with fellow addicts on projects related to the Hospitals and Institutions subcommittee we work on for NA. H&I is a group of people who carry the message of recovery to people who cannot make it to a regular NA meeting such as those in detoxes, jails, or hospitals. There is a remarkable bonding that occurs among a group of people who are devoting time and energy to helping others and the H&I work we do gives each of us a chance to benefit from that bonding.

Truly, the organizers of the 12 Step programs were geniuses. We know that. But, we often don't think about the fact that one of the things that most clearly shows that genius is in the simple phrase, "We can't keep what we are not willing to give away." This sounds paradoxical to many outside the program, but it means that a recovering person cannot hold onto recovery without giving away their message of recovery to people who are suffering in the throes of addiction. An H&I panel discussion in a facility is not the only way to do that. The opportunity for fellowship with other recovering people at meetings, coffee hours afterwards, dances, trips, conventions and simple one-on-one talks also spreads that message.

So, today, I am not isolated in some deep, dark hole of addictive behavior, but I stand in the bright sunshine among my peers whose love and compassion are felt every day. And, for that, I am truly grateful.

All the best, Roger W.

Another celebrity death...

Actor Corey Haim recently died and speculation immediately started that this long-time addict had succumbed to a drug overdose. I do not know if the coroner's office has made a final ruling as of today, but there has been an arrest in the case and Haim was known to have been involved with illegal prescriptions in the past.

Regardless, this is another case of young people dying too soon from either the direct or indirect effects of drug abuse and dependence. I know of three adolescents who died of overdoses last year. They had been treated where I work. It never gets easy hearing that news. Especially when we know it is a preventable death because we know that treatment works.

A colleague was recently asked if treatment works for young addicted people on CNN's American Morning show. I think his answer goes a long way to again inform people that treatment is not a quick, spin-dry operation of 30 days or so. Treatment takes many forms but certainly one of them is that it can last a while depending on the person's individual needs. Clearly, a fella like Corey Haim had problems that were missed in any of the 15 treatments he had for his disease. Perhaps he could have used more.

All the best, Roger W.

Workaholism...

Occasionally, when I have the time, I'll read the daily entry in a book called Meditations for Men Who Do Too Much (A Fireside/Parkside Meditation Book) just to get to the nitty-gritty, deep-down-to-your-toes scoop on my life. It's almost always an eye opener.

Whether is nature or nurture I am not sure, but the raw fact is that I am a man who is driven to do a lot of work-related tasks in my daily life. Perhaps I am biologically set up to be a man who compulsively does many things simultaneously. Or, perhaps it was my upbringing that taught me to not waste time on frivolities of life. Certainly, which ever is the case, I am someone who many people say should write a book when they learn about my multi-tasking history. Just the other day, a colleague was marveling at what pace I seem to keep with my school work, professional responsibilities, friendships and now, a blog. She said she felt, "like a slug" when comparing her world to mine. And, I immediately felt bad that I project an image of being a snob who is capable of accomplishing many things while at the same time secretly gloating over the knowledge that I was ahead of others both in my work and in my private life. This is not good.

Today's entry in Meditations For Men Who Do Too Much is interesting in this regard. When thinking about what really makes me strong, am I engaging in a grandiose myth by refusing to accept and tolerate weaknesses I may have in my life? "Workaholics rarely have the courage for self-confrontation. We're too busy trying to control, fearing that if we pause to examine our actions, we really will bleed - right to the last gasp" the writer says in reference to denial which is the chief characteristic of workaholism. We workaholics never want to admit that we're bleeding despite copious amounts of blood on the floor. We never want to appear to be wounded. We despise the idea that we are normal and somehow define ourselves by what we produce, rather than by who we are and what we stand for. Somehow, deep down, there is this missing piece of us we try to fill with work.

Of course, the jump to seeing that this missing piece can also be filled by alcohol and drugs is easy to see. I can recall that my worse moments with drugs seemed to coincide with times when my work was going either magnificently smooth ("Hey, Let's have a party!"), or when it was crushed beneath the weight of being passed over for a raise or fired (Hey, Look at me, the loser!"). I would drink or take drugs to enhance my achievement or forget about my failures. This was particularly true toward the end of active addiction when I worked for a major weekly entertainment magazine and I would use to push me over the top toward the exhilaration of "scoring a big one", or cushion my slide into oblivion when I had failed my editor. In many respects, because I always felt that the achievements were ephemeral, and I was unworthy of them in the first place, what I thought was celebrating success was actually warding off the demons that told me I was no good. So, no matter the outcome - success or failure - when it came to my work I always needed to get high.

This is not an easy piece of self-awareness to shake and its difficulty is obviously why so few men actually confront themselves about the possibility of being a workaholic...someone who might be replacing the use of alcohol or other drugs with fits of energy to ward off the demons. Yet, today, I am able to see myself as I truly am and to work a program of recovery that includes that self-awareness. Today, I recognize that I need to build more time into my daily life that allows me the chance to take it easy, sit back every now and again, and re-charge my batteries.

The first thing I've decided to do is take a mini-vacation. Tomorrow I leave for Lutsen MN, a resort on the North shore of Lake Superior, for some rest and relaxation. I plan to get a massage a day, read a fiction novel, eat good food, make photographs with an old film camera, and rest. I hope to return with a fresh outlook and every now and then turn my attention to something absolutely frivolous. I intend to play more in my life. In other words, I will attack my workaholism denial and find the power to overcome it. My guess is that this will help to recover some of the serenity I am missing in my life. And, oh, by the way, I intend to make the time to read the Meditations for Men Who Do Too Much every day.

All the best, Roger W.

Power...

I am continually impressed by the power of the disease of addiction. Each day I am confronted by the power that the disease holds over people who otherwise are lovable, personable and well-intentioned. Instead, they become unendearing, disagreeable, mean-spirited people who are driven to satisfy self ends. I'm certain the someone would get the Nobel Prize if they could pin down why this happens for certain, but there are clues.

Using drugs changes the way the brain works because addiction is a brain disease. In effect, drug users' brains are broken. Addled by the drugs (to paraphrase Eugene O'Neill), people are saddled with the effects. The brain becomes confused: It thinks that the enormous pleasure and relief that comes from the drug is the normal process for its functioning and it becomes used to them in the system. Some drugs create their own demand in the nerve cells and alter them to fit the way the drug wants the cell to behave. All drugs create a condition in which tolerance and withdrawal become a chief characteristic of the nerve's functioning. To be able to change nerve cells - and ultimately the way the brain functions - shows the substances have enormous power. Moreover, this power compromises one of mankind's greatest assets, willpower, and the person is most often left with no capacity to repair this broken system on their own.

Thus, the second stage of the drug's power kicks in even when the person is technically not using any drugs. When abstinent, the nerve cells throb for attention and demand the drugs they had become so accustomed to feed on. When not there, the nerves goes crazy, and this is what we call the cravings and urges to use that overcome many people. Relapsing, bringing drugs back into the broken nerve cells, is often the only thing that can quell the screaming tantrum that nerve cells exhibit when deprived of their drug. Willpower is immobilized, frozen into a state of panic, and it's only value to the relapsing addict or alcoholic is to find a way to get more and use drugs. This is the reason that other people often see the signs and symptoms of relapse much earlier than when the person is often using and we have called this stage the "dry drunk sundrome".

How to restore power to willpower is the chief motive for drug treatment. To fix a broken brain requires the infusion of the food upon which willpower derives its energy...principles, ideas, morals, values, and meaning in life. Absent these things we have a situation about which we discussed earlier when we talked about having meaning in life that Viktor Frankl spoke about (see posting February 27, 2010). The parts of the brain that deal with meaning in life had been hijacked by the drugs and now must be restored to their rightful place as the governing forces of the brain's activity. In other words, willpower must be given the power to act in the addict's best interest which is to thrive, prosper and ultimately to live.

Those of us who believe in the 12 Steps of recovery feel strongly that this power can come from working through the steps. One gets power restored to their brains that can overcome the cravings and urges to use. Yes, it happens every day to milions of recovering people that their willpower to live can override the willpower to use. This ability is restored particularly through the process of Step Two whereby a person gets an infusion of spirituality necessary to have a meaningful life. When principles, morals, values and meaningfulness come back into a person's life, they become lovable, personable and well-intentioned. Their brains become whole again and their addiction is arrested so that it can no longer run and ruin the person's life.

That capacity means power can be restored and the power of the addiction can be rendered impotent. And, that is quite a miracle to watch everyday for which I am very grateful.

All the best, Roger W.

Addiction treatment referral service...

I'm usually not one to attempt to dramatize the effects of drinking or using drugs on the average person. I believe strongly in Step One of the 12 Step programs that says we must admit to ourselves that we are powerless over the drug and that our life is unmanageable before much progress can be made in lifelong recovery. So, ordinarily, I will let them decide for themselves whether or not their drinking or drug use is causing them serious enough problems for them to stop using. Everyone hits their own bottom when it comes to drug use or alcoholism.

But, there is a way to intervene into someone's life and help them come to that realization sooner rather than later. In recovery we call that raising the bottom for someone so they do not have to fall as far as they could. Such is the spirit behind a video I caught recently published by the National Drug and Alcohol Treatment Referral Routing Service which is a central telephone system that will connect people to treatment services in their area or throughout the United States. The video is designed to help someone detect if they - or someone they know or love - has a drinking problem. Some parts of it are a bit corny and over the top, but the spirit is good and worthwhile watching...

Alcoholism is a preventable disease of the brain. Just because someone can't see straight when they are "blind drunk", or walk straight when they are "tipsy" does not mean it is an eye disease or a leg disease. It's a brain disease. Millions of Americans have this disease and, were it any other disease known to mankind, there would be outrage at the number of people who suffer from it. Efforts to help people detect the signs and symptoms of the disease ought to be applauded.

If you or someone you know has this brain disease, call the National Drug and Alcohol Treatment Referral Routing Service at 800-662-4357. When I called the other day to do a test run of the phone number for this blog, I found a friendly young man at the service who directed me to two treatment programs in my city. It doesn't get any simpler than that.

Welcome!

Welcome to the newest blog on the Internet, The Happy Hour.

I've taken the name from the popular process many people go through in the early evening when they stop by their favorite pub and have a drink before going home.

Obviously, in this case, it's designed as a tongue-in-cheek attempt to capitalize on the irony of having what will be a blog devoted to recovery from alcoholism and other drugs named after this past time.

It's my hope that the writings here will help those who are struggling with the addictive nature of drinking alcohol to excess or uncontrollably taking drugs come to believe that there is hope for lifelong recovery.

Much of what will be written here is personal reflection on a life of 21 years drinking and drugging and 22 years of recovery from the insanity of drinking and drugging. I will offer up some of the personal testimony about my experience, strength and hope. And, I will try to entice some of my recovering friends to do the same.

Most of all, I want this to be an interactive blog. Like most of recovery, it is a "we" effort in which all of us who are interested in recovery join with one another to celebrate serenity and the reprieve we have from the tyranny of alcohol and drug abuse.

May you who read here always find stimulating stories and commentary about recovery and come to these pages with Honesty, Openmindedness and Willingness.

Let's enjoy the new happy hour in our lives!

All the best, Roger