The headline photograph shown in the title above was taken by me during a rare vacation last Spring to Lutsen, Minnesota. Lutsen is the closest thing we have here in Minnesota to ski country, and being in the resort town for a few days in the off season was very interesting for me. Along the shores of Lake Superior I learned a lot about myself...but, perhaps not enough.
I struggled with things to do for the several days I was there. It's quite a remote area and there are no usual places to go and see. In fact, it's a lazy place with skiing being the chief recreation in the area and not much else except some mighty fine dining at the Lutsen Lodge where I was staying. There's a casino nearby, but I'm not much into gambling and a casual walk through the smoked-filled rooms reeking with the foul odor of smoke and too many people was enough for the 20-minute tour. Internet activity was spotty and cell phones rarely worked. So, for all practical purposes I was left to myself to figure out how to enjoy "me". It didn't work out so well.
I had brought along a new, old-fashioned film camera I bought through a yard sale, and thought I might be very active with making photographs on the trip. In fact, I only made a roll of what I considered marginally good pictures of the scenery and people there. One of them was the photograph above which is clearly the pick of the litter. I seemed to always be in too much of a hurry to go nowhere and twice passed by Split Rock Lighthouse in favor of staying on-the-road and "ahead of the traffic" (that was really non-existent) where I could have made some stock photographs. Frankly, I was so consumed by the difficulty of being by myself that I could barely make any pictures, so my dreams with this camera were dashed almost from the start.
There is a book that continually amazes me with its accuracy in summing up the way I truly am called "Meditations for Men Who Do Too Much". This is a small book with big meaning. Each day, the meditation it recommends seems to drive home the point that I am generally so busy occupying my time that I sometimes lose myself in the shuffle of a daily life spent pressing my self against my "envelope". On one of the days I was in Lutsen, the message was, "So many of us run and run, always looking for the answer, the tonic, and compulsively looking beyond what is in front of us." Man...I hated reading that then and still hate it now, for it is a true and accurate accounting of my life that can be compulsive and always looking toward a future that may not exist.
But, having faith that the meditation book is going to help me, I read it a lot, and today's entry is as powerful for me as the one in March: "It isn't necessary to be endlessly happy. Happiness can be a distortion, another drug to take. What may be more important than happiness is finding a sense of balance." That is so true for me that I believe recent choices I have made may be a mistake that I now feel myself locked into.
Last week, I was offered a teaching position at a local college. It has always been a dream of mine to teach college students, and I leapt at the opportunity. Now, seeing all the work involved - work that will rob time from my Ph.D. studies - I am having second thoughts. But, I am locked in and they are now depending on me to deliver a quality educational experience for 50 students next week. Yet, with the new commitment I feel myself grossly out of balance because of a desperate need to experience happiness that I feel I have always desired. And, being out of balance may effect me more deeply than I had thought when I accepted the teaching position.
So, here I stand, with the burden of three major commitments in my life, work, Ph.D. study and now collegiate teaching, that will push the envelope of my capacities. I am clearly doing too much. Somehow I have rationalized this to conclude that I can do it. I have good time management skills and will desperately need them to have a schedule that will make all three be high-quality performances for my boss, my Ph.D. committee and my students. To pull this off I will need the strength that will come from faith that I can do it. Today, I get that strength from a program of recovery that helps me through each day. One of the places that help comes from is a another book, "Twenty-Four Hours A Day", that also has meditations. Today's is, "I pray that I may be a part of a unified group. I pray that I may contribute my share to its consecrated purpose."
Clearly, I need to get to a meeting of my 12 Step group. I need to contribute to a process designed to get me out of myself and my own head and share with others the experience, strength and hope I have that my life will survive even the most punishing schedule I can put it through. And, just as clearly am I told here that my ultimate happiness is a part of the group process that helps me stay clean and sober today.
For, that is in the balance. I need to remain clean and sober throughout all this and should I not find the balance that comes from sharing and caring with others in recovery, I may never get to enjoy the fruits of my labor...I'll be loaded. "Just for today, I will have a program and try to practice it to be best of my ability", the NA text says. It's time for me to do that. So, long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
Showing posts with label meditation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label meditation. Show all posts
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Workaholism...
Occasionally, when I have the time, I'll read the daily entry in a book called Meditations for Men Who Do Too Much (A Fireside/Parkside Meditation Book)
just to get to the nitty-gritty, deep-down-to-your-toes scoop on my life. It's almost always an eye opener.
Whether is nature or nurture I am not sure, but the raw fact is that I am a man who is driven to do a lot of work-related tasks in my daily life. Perhaps I am biologically set up to be a man who compulsively does many things simultaneously. Or, perhaps it was my upbringing that taught me to not waste time on frivolities of life. Certainly, which ever is the case, I am someone who many people say should write a book when they learn about my multi-tasking history. Just the other day, a colleague was marveling at what pace I seem to keep with my school work, professional responsibilities, friendships and now, a blog. She said she felt, "like a slug" when comparing her world to mine. And, I immediately felt bad that I project an image of being a snob who is capable of accomplishing many things while at the same time secretly gloating over the knowledge that I was ahead of others both in my work and in my private life. This is not good.
Today's entry in Meditations For Men Who Do Too Much is interesting in this regard. When thinking about what really makes me strong, am I engaging in a grandiose myth by refusing to accept and tolerate weaknesses I may have in my life? "Workaholics rarely have the courage for self-confrontation. We're too busy trying to control, fearing that if we pause to examine our actions, we really will bleed - right to the last gasp" the writer says in reference to denial which is the chief characteristic of workaholism. We workaholics never want to admit that we're bleeding despite copious amounts of blood on the floor. We never want to appear to be wounded. We despise the idea that we are normal and somehow define ourselves by what we produce, rather than by who we are and what we stand for. Somehow, deep down, there is this missing piece of us we try to fill with work.
Of course, the jump to seeing that this missing piece can also be filled by alcohol and drugs is easy to see. I can recall that my worse moments with drugs seemed to coincide with times when my work was going either magnificently smooth ("Hey, Let's have a party!"), or when it was crushed beneath the weight of being passed over for a raise or fired (Hey, Look at me, the loser!"). I would drink or take drugs to enhance my achievement or forget about my failures. This was particularly true toward the end of active addiction when I worked for a major weekly entertainment magazine and I would use to push me over the top toward the exhilaration of "scoring a big one", or cushion my slide into oblivion when I had failed my editor. In many respects, because I always felt that the achievements were ephemeral, and I was unworthy of them in the first place, what I thought was celebrating success was actually warding off the demons that told me I was no good. So, no matter the outcome - success or failure - when it came to my work I always needed to get high.
This is not an easy piece of self-awareness to shake and its difficulty is obviously why so few men actually confront themselves about the possibility of being a workaholic...someone who might be replacing the use of alcohol or other drugs with fits of energy to ward off the demons. Yet, today, I am able to see myself as I truly am and to work a program of recovery that includes that self-awareness. Today, I recognize that I need to build more time into my daily life that allows me the chance to take it easy, sit back every now and again, and re-charge my batteries.
The first thing I've decided to do is take a mini-vacation. Tomorrow I leave for Lutsen MN, a resort on the North shore of Lake Superior, for some rest and relaxation. I plan to get a massage a day, read a fiction novel, eat good food, make photographs with an old film camera, and rest. I hope to return with a fresh outlook and every now and then turn my attention to something absolutely frivolous. I intend to play more in my life. In other words, I will attack my workaholism denial and find the power to overcome it. My guess is that this will help to recover some of the serenity I am missing in my life. And, oh, by the way, I intend to make the time to read the Meditations for Men Who Do Too Much every day.
All the best, Roger W.
just to get to the nitty-gritty, deep-down-to-your-toes scoop on my life. It's almost always an eye opener.Whether is nature or nurture I am not sure, but the raw fact is that I am a man who is driven to do a lot of work-related tasks in my daily life. Perhaps I am biologically set up to be a man who compulsively does many things simultaneously. Or, perhaps it was my upbringing that taught me to not waste time on frivolities of life. Certainly, which ever is the case, I am someone who many people say should write a book when they learn about my multi-tasking history. Just the other day, a colleague was marveling at what pace I seem to keep with my school work, professional responsibilities, friendships and now, a blog. She said she felt, "like a slug" when comparing her world to mine. And, I immediately felt bad that I project an image of being a snob who is capable of accomplishing many things while at the same time secretly gloating over the knowledge that I was ahead of others both in my work and in my private life. This is not good.
Today's entry in Meditations For Men Who Do Too Much is interesting in this regard. When thinking about what really makes me strong, am I engaging in a grandiose myth by refusing to accept and tolerate weaknesses I may have in my life? "Workaholics rarely have the courage for self-confrontation. We're too busy trying to control, fearing that if we pause to examine our actions, we really will bleed - right to the last gasp" the writer says in reference to denial which is the chief characteristic of workaholism. We workaholics never want to admit that we're bleeding despite copious amounts of blood on the floor. We never want to appear to be wounded. We despise the idea that we are normal and somehow define ourselves by what we produce, rather than by who we are and what we stand for. Somehow, deep down, there is this missing piece of us we try to fill with work.
Of course, the jump to seeing that this missing piece can also be filled by alcohol and drugs is easy to see. I can recall that my worse moments with drugs seemed to coincide with times when my work was going either magnificently smooth ("Hey, Let's have a party!"), or when it was crushed beneath the weight of being passed over for a raise or fired (Hey, Look at me, the loser!"). I would drink or take drugs to enhance my achievement or forget about my failures. This was particularly true toward the end of active addiction when I worked for a major weekly entertainment magazine and I would use to push me over the top toward the exhilaration of "scoring a big one", or cushion my slide into oblivion when I had failed my editor. In many respects, because I always felt that the achievements were ephemeral, and I was unworthy of them in the first place, what I thought was celebrating success was actually warding off the demons that told me I was no good. So, no matter the outcome - success or failure - when it came to my work I always needed to get high.
This is not an easy piece of self-awareness to shake and its difficulty is obviously why so few men actually confront themselves about the possibility of being a workaholic...someone who might be replacing the use of alcohol or other drugs with fits of energy to ward off the demons. Yet, today, I am able to see myself as I truly am and to work a program of recovery that includes that self-awareness. Today, I recognize that I need to build more time into my daily life that allows me the chance to take it easy, sit back every now and again, and re-charge my batteries.
The first thing I've decided to do is take a mini-vacation. Tomorrow I leave for Lutsen MN, a resort on the North shore of Lake Superior, for some rest and relaxation. I plan to get a massage a day, read a fiction novel, eat good food, make photographs with an old film camera, and rest. I hope to return with a fresh outlook and every now and then turn my attention to something absolutely frivolous. I intend to play more in my life. In other words, I will attack my workaholism denial and find the power to overcome it. My guess is that this will help to recover some of the serenity I am missing in my life. And, oh, by the way, I intend to make the time to read the Meditations for Men Who Do Too Much every day.
All the best, Roger W.
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