I've recently been told that a close friend's wife was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. This comes as a shock, not only because she appeared to be a healthy woman, but also because my friend - who has major chronic disease - always assumed he would die before his wife would. It doesn't look like that's the plan and this comes as a big, painful surprise to everyone.
Bad news, no matter what shape it comes in, is never expected. We can train ourselves to "hope for the best, but expect the worse", but, somehow when it strikes, truly bad news is never easy to deal with. This is the way this news is for my friend and I today. He feels "this is not the way it was supposed to work out" and this sadness over the unexpected turn of events in his life causes him a great deal of grief. But, under the surface of this is an anger...a righteous anger that things ought not go the way they are going and that someone (God) is at fault for this.
Whenever I come in contact with this kind of sadness, I am reminded of the book by Rabbi Harold Kushner called When Bad Things Happen To Good People. This book, that chronicles the struggle his own family went through when their young son was diagnosed with progeria (a disease of rapid aging and premature death). Kushner could hardly stand it. He watched as his son suffered and died way before his time, and he railed against a God who would do such a thing to his small son. In fact, such an event was for Kushner - who was trained as a rabbi and became a spiritual leader for many people - something that shook his faith and forced him to question everything he had ever thought or believed about God.
I will not be ruining the book's experience for anyone here by giving away a central discovery Kushner came to that helped him through this experience. In effect, Kushner challenged the common concepts of an all-knowing and all-powerful God by suggesting that, perhaps, God is no more powerful to correct the course of life than we are. He argued that it could very well be that, once he set the world as we know it in motion, forces took over that were greater than even God's power to control or influence. Once sickness was introduced into the human system, even God could not forestall it's inevitable conclusion.
It's in times like these that I remember Kushner's words. It is somehow consoling to me to know that God is no more capable of taking away ovarian cancer from a relatively young woman than her doctors are. It is somehow satisfying to me to realize that we men and women do what we can to alleviate suffering and hardship, but that there is only so much we can do against forces that seem to live on their own. And, it is enormously comforting to feel the presence of a God who weeps alongside of me as I suffer these things.
I cannot yet tell my friend this...the wound is too raw. But, at some point I will and hopefully, God willing, he will feel the same level of comfort knowing that a very powerful entity walks with him through this pain and grief. This is what I pray for these days.
All the best, Roger W.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
PS on gratitude...
Well...strange things can sometimes happen.
I found out that my PSA level (that measures if I have any recurrence of cancer) has gone down since my last test three months ago. It went from 0.25 in March, to 0.24 today...not a lot of movement, but enough for the doctor to give me a big thumbs up and tell me not to worry any more about what is going on.
It's great news! With all that we have been going through since February, it is astounding news that the level are receding. The doctor attributes this to the fact I may just be a man who has a rise in PSA level for some, unknown reason, not necessarily because it is cancer. So, I'm out of the weeds it seems. We'll test it every three months just to check.
Now, my gratitude has increased even more. A cancer scare is never a good thing, but, in my case, I think it accomplished a couple of things. Foremost is that it tested my faith. Those who know me understand I am not a flamboyantly religious person, but I have developed a level of faith in the great forces of our universe that there is a guiding set of principles which - if you are in harmony with them - will guide me in the right direction. In this case, the direction was to maintain confidence that this scare was only that...a scare. To accept it as it was unfolding was difficult at times, but I did accept what was happening as it presented itself, without having a prolonged bout of sadness, regret, or anger. I was told by everyone that, if I kept the faith, all would turn out OK. And it did. Also, this episode bonded me closer to people. I felt a deep connection to my family, Twyla, George, Mary Kay, Marilyn, and Michael - my main support system. They never let me languish in self pity or dwell on the negative aspects of this problem. In fact, Twyla even said that if we concentrate real hard on positive things about this that we can drive the PSA level down...and it did! Amazing.
But, perhaps one of the most important things to come out of this is gratitude. To see the people at Mayo, with an array of devastating illnesses, walk through the experience of treatment with dignity and often good humor, was very important for me to do. It gave me perspective on my own life. It made my life more valuable to me. It chopped hard at my self-centeredness and made me grateful.
They say in Narcotics Anonymous that, "A grateful addict will never use." I am that grateful addict who has a host of friends, overall good health, a good job, great family, and a bright future. Now, what more could a guy ask for?...except perhaps to catch that hulking 20+ pound large mouth bass on fly line!
All the best, Roger W.
I found out that my PSA level (that measures if I have any recurrence of cancer) has gone down since my last test three months ago. It went from 0.25 in March, to 0.24 today...not a lot of movement, but enough for the doctor to give me a big thumbs up and tell me not to worry any more about what is going on.
It's great news! With all that we have been going through since February, it is astounding news that the level are receding. The doctor attributes this to the fact I may just be a man who has a rise in PSA level for some, unknown reason, not necessarily because it is cancer. So, I'm out of the weeds it seems. We'll test it every three months just to check.
Now, my gratitude has increased even more. A cancer scare is never a good thing, but, in my case, I think it accomplished a couple of things. Foremost is that it tested my faith. Those who know me understand I am not a flamboyantly religious person, but I have developed a level of faith in the great forces of our universe that there is a guiding set of principles which - if you are in harmony with them - will guide me in the right direction. In this case, the direction was to maintain confidence that this scare was only that...a scare. To accept it as it was unfolding was difficult at times, but I did accept what was happening as it presented itself, without having a prolonged bout of sadness, regret, or anger. I was told by everyone that, if I kept the faith, all would turn out OK. And it did. Also, this episode bonded me closer to people. I felt a deep connection to my family, Twyla, George, Mary Kay, Marilyn, and Michael - my main support system. They never let me languish in self pity or dwell on the negative aspects of this problem. In fact, Twyla even said that if we concentrate real hard on positive things about this that we can drive the PSA level down...and it did! Amazing.
But, perhaps one of the most important things to come out of this is gratitude. To see the people at Mayo, with an array of devastating illnesses, walk through the experience of treatment with dignity and often good humor, was very important for me to do. It gave me perspective on my own life. It made my life more valuable to me. It chopped hard at my self-centeredness and made me grateful.
They say in Narcotics Anonymous that, "A grateful addict will never use." I am that grateful addict who has a host of friends, overall good health, a good job, great family, and a bright future. Now, what more could a guy ask for?...except perhaps to catch that hulking 20+ pound large mouth bass on fly line!
All the best, Roger W.
Monday, June 20, 2011
It's time to get back to work!
After more than nine months away from this blog, it's time to get back at it.
A lot has happened during this time, and I've debated whether or not I ought to talk about it all in this space. In every respect, I have thought of The Happy Hour as a place to talk about spirituality and growth in recovery, and not so much a place to talk about problems. But, I think the mention of them is unavoidable because, ultimately, my experience during the past several months speaks directly to the influence of spirituality in my life.
I struggled at work starting in October last year, and, right up until about three weeks ago, I wasn't certain if I would have a job at my current employer (a place that forbids me from using its name in this blog) or not. As it turns out, I did stay with that employer, albeit in a very different capacity than I was in before. Now, after months of wrangling, I've landed on my feet as an outpatient counselor in a clinic not far from my home. It's a good thing too because I needed to stay with that employer in order to ensure I had health insurance.
The health insurance problem came about because in February I found out that the cancer that I was operated on for in 2004 has reoccurred. As the doctors at the Mayo Clinic put it, I have about a quarter of a raindrop-sized collection of cancer cells in the prostate bed in my lower abdomen. We know this because the PSA count - the way in which doctors measure if cancer is growing - stands at .25 on a large scale that can extend up to 20-30. Now, that isn't altogether that bad except that it ought to be zero because I do not have a prostate that would be generating the antigens that the PSA test measures. So, .25 is a significant enough level for doctors to start worrying about it. They say that we will not have to treat the cancer until the level is between 1.0 and 2.0, so there may be a fair amount of time before something has to happen. My next test is June 29th, so more will be known at that time as to how fast this is growing.
The health insurance part was a problem because, should I have had to leave my employer anytime this past winter and spring, I would not have been insured by a new health plan because the cancer reoccurrence would be considered a pre-existing condition. Lots of worry for several months as I tried to figure out how to get a new job within the same company.
Well...it did work out. And, I'm grateful for that.
One of the things that helped me get through this mess this year was the strength that I got from a new partner. Twyla came into my life at just about the same time I got the news about the cancer. What a blessing and breath of fresh air. She is one of those people who you think you have known all your life despite the fact you may have just met her. She's warm and kind, interested in you and what is happening to you, considerate and patient to the max, and very supportive of who you are as a person. She is a registered nurse and was a great support to me when we thought I might have an advanced form of cancer. She insists on being positive and aggressively pursues healthy outlets like going the the YMCA, bicycle riding, walking the dog twice a day and eating healthfully...all things I struggle with as a man. She supplements me beautifully.
I am very grateful for her in my life.
Add to all this that I am still toiling away at the dissertation and maybe you get a fix on why it is that I let the blog slip to the wayside for a while. Well...I'm back. And, I want to tell the story I have described above as a great lesson in spirituality for me. There were several points this past winter when I wanted to call it quits, march into the boss's office and tell her to stick the job and all that goes with it. And, there were many times when I wanted to give up about the cancer because I started to fantasize about the utter futility of treating it again. But, in both cases, I let the problem go. I let it go so that it could be dealt with within the great cosmic system of my belief in a higher power that guides life for me. Somehow, for some reason, I had to go through what I went through with the job and the cancer these past six months. I may not know why for a long time, but I do believe that eventually it will all come together and I will understand why life unfolded for me this way in 2011.
Until that time, I intend to continue to practice a program of recovery based on knowing that I cannot control the great forces that seen to run the world and my part in it. Instead, all I can do is have faith that life goes the way it ought to and that, as it says in the AA Big Book on page 417..."Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake."
All the best, Roger
A lot has happened during this time, and I've debated whether or not I ought to talk about it all in this space. In every respect, I have thought of The Happy Hour as a place to talk about spirituality and growth in recovery, and not so much a place to talk about problems. But, I think the mention of them is unavoidable because, ultimately, my experience during the past several months speaks directly to the influence of spirituality in my life.
I struggled at work starting in October last year, and, right up until about three weeks ago, I wasn't certain if I would have a job at my current employer (a place that forbids me from using its name in this blog) or not. As it turns out, I did stay with that employer, albeit in a very different capacity than I was in before. Now, after months of wrangling, I've landed on my feet as an outpatient counselor in a clinic not far from my home. It's a good thing too because I needed to stay with that employer in order to ensure I had health insurance.
The health insurance problem came about because in February I found out that the cancer that I was operated on for in 2004 has reoccurred. As the doctors at the Mayo Clinic put it, I have about a quarter of a raindrop-sized collection of cancer cells in the prostate bed in my lower abdomen. We know this because the PSA count - the way in which doctors measure if cancer is growing - stands at .25 on a large scale that can extend up to 20-30. Now, that isn't altogether that bad except that it ought to be zero because I do not have a prostate that would be generating the antigens that the PSA test measures. So, .25 is a significant enough level for doctors to start worrying about it. They say that we will not have to treat the cancer until the level is between 1.0 and 2.0, so there may be a fair amount of time before something has to happen. My next test is June 29th, so more will be known at that time as to how fast this is growing.
The health insurance part was a problem because, should I have had to leave my employer anytime this past winter and spring, I would not have been insured by a new health plan because the cancer reoccurrence would be considered a pre-existing condition. Lots of worry for several months as I tried to figure out how to get a new job within the same company.
Well...it did work out. And, I'm grateful for that.
One of the things that helped me get through this mess this year was the strength that I got from a new partner. Twyla came into my life at just about the same time I got the news about the cancer. What a blessing and breath of fresh air. She is one of those people who you think you have known all your life despite the fact you may have just met her. She's warm and kind, interested in you and what is happening to you, considerate and patient to the max, and very supportive of who you are as a person. She is a registered nurse and was a great support to me when we thought I might have an advanced form of cancer. She insists on being positive and aggressively pursues healthy outlets like going the the YMCA, bicycle riding, walking the dog twice a day and eating healthfully...all things I struggle with as a man. She supplements me beautifully.
I am very grateful for her in my life.
Add to all this that I am still toiling away at the dissertation and maybe you get a fix on why it is that I let the blog slip to the wayside for a while. Well...I'm back. And, I want to tell the story I have described above as a great lesson in spirituality for me. There were several points this past winter when I wanted to call it quits, march into the boss's office and tell her to stick the job and all that goes with it. And, there were many times when I wanted to give up about the cancer because I started to fantasize about the utter futility of treating it again. But, in both cases, I let the problem go. I let it go so that it could be dealt with within the great cosmic system of my belief in a higher power that guides life for me. Somehow, for some reason, I had to go through what I went through with the job and the cancer these past six months. I may not know why for a long time, but I do believe that eventually it will all come together and I will understand why life unfolded for me this way in 2011.
Until that time, I intend to continue to practice a program of recovery based on knowing that I cannot control the great forces that seen to run the world and my part in it. Instead, all I can do is have faith that life goes the way it ought to and that, as it says in the AA Big Book on page 417..."Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake."
All the best, Roger
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Doing too much...
The headline photograph shown in the title above was taken by me during a rare vacation last Spring to Lutsen, Minnesota. Lutsen is the closest thing we have here in Minnesota to ski country, and being in the resort town for a few days in the off season was very interesting for me. Along the shores of Lake Superior I learned a lot about myself...but, perhaps not enough.
I struggled with things to do for the several days I was there. It's quite a remote area and there are no usual places to go and see. In fact, it's a lazy place with skiing being the chief recreation in the area and not much else except some mighty fine dining at the Lutsen Lodge where I was staying. There's a casino nearby, but I'm not much into gambling and a casual walk through the smoked-filled rooms reeking with the foul odor of smoke and too many people was enough for the 20-minute tour. Internet activity was spotty and cell phones rarely worked. So, for all practical purposes I was left to myself to figure out how to enjoy "me". It didn't work out so well.
I had brought along a new, old-fashioned film camera I bought through a yard sale, and thought I might be very active with making photographs on the trip. In fact, I only made a roll of what I considered marginally good pictures of the scenery and people there. One of them was the photograph above which is clearly the pick of the litter. I seemed to always be in too much of a hurry to go nowhere and twice passed by Split Rock Lighthouse in favor of staying on-the-road and "ahead of the traffic" (that was really non-existent) where I could have made some stock photographs. Frankly, I was so consumed by the difficulty of being by myself that I could barely make any pictures, so my dreams with this camera were dashed almost from the start.
There is a book that continually amazes me with its accuracy in summing up the way I truly am called "Meditations for Men Who Do Too Much". This is a small book with big meaning. Each day, the meditation it recommends seems to drive home the point that I am generally so busy occupying my time that I sometimes lose myself in the shuffle of a daily life spent pressing my self against my "envelope". On one of the days I was in Lutsen, the message was, "So many of us run and run, always looking for the answer, the tonic, and compulsively looking beyond what is in front of us." Man...I hated reading that then and still hate it now, for it is a true and accurate accounting of my life that can be compulsive and always looking toward a future that may not exist.
But, having faith that the meditation book is going to help me, I read it a lot, and today's entry is as powerful for me as the one in March: "It isn't necessary to be endlessly happy. Happiness can be a distortion, another drug to take. What may be more important than happiness is finding a sense of balance." That is so true for me that I believe recent choices I have made may be a mistake that I now feel myself locked into.
Last week, I was offered a teaching position at a local college. It has always been a dream of mine to teach college students, and I leapt at the opportunity. Now, seeing all the work involved - work that will rob time from my Ph.D. studies - I am having second thoughts. But, I am locked in and they are now depending on me to deliver a quality educational experience for 50 students next week. Yet, with the new commitment I feel myself grossly out of balance because of a desperate need to experience happiness that I feel I have always desired. And, being out of balance may effect me more deeply than I had thought when I accepted the teaching position.
So, here I stand, with the burden of three major commitments in my life, work, Ph.D. study and now collegiate teaching, that will push the envelope of my capacities. I am clearly doing too much. Somehow I have rationalized this to conclude that I can do it. I have good time management skills and will desperately need them to have a schedule that will make all three be high-quality performances for my boss, my Ph.D. committee and my students. To pull this off I will need the strength that will come from faith that I can do it. Today, I get that strength from a program of recovery that helps me through each day. One of the places that help comes from is a another book, "Twenty-Four Hours A Day", that also has meditations. Today's is, "I pray that I may be a part of a unified group. I pray that I may contribute my share to its consecrated purpose."
Clearly, I need to get to a meeting of my 12 Step group. I need to contribute to a process designed to get me out of myself and my own head and share with others the experience, strength and hope I have that my life will survive even the most punishing schedule I can put it through. And, just as clearly am I told here that my ultimate happiness is a part of the group process that helps me stay clean and sober today.
For, that is in the balance. I need to remain clean and sober throughout all this and should I not find the balance that comes from sharing and caring with others in recovery, I may never get to enjoy the fruits of my labor...I'll be loaded. "Just for today, I will have a program and try to practice it to be best of my ability", the NA text says. It's time for me to do that. So, long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
I struggled with things to do for the several days I was there. It's quite a remote area and there are no usual places to go and see. In fact, it's a lazy place with skiing being the chief recreation in the area and not much else except some mighty fine dining at the Lutsen Lodge where I was staying. There's a casino nearby, but I'm not much into gambling and a casual walk through the smoked-filled rooms reeking with the foul odor of smoke and too many people was enough for the 20-minute tour. Internet activity was spotty and cell phones rarely worked. So, for all practical purposes I was left to myself to figure out how to enjoy "me". It didn't work out so well.
I had brought along a new, old-fashioned film camera I bought through a yard sale, and thought I might be very active with making photographs on the trip. In fact, I only made a roll of what I considered marginally good pictures of the scenery and people there. One of them was the photograph above which is clearly the pick of the litter. I seemed to always be in too much of a hurry to go nowhere and twice passed by Split Rock Lighthouse in favor of staying on-the-road and "ahead of the traffic" (that was really non-existent) where I could have made some stock photographs. Frankly, I was so consumed by the difficulty of being by myself that I could barely make any pictures, so my dreams with this camera were dashed almost from the start.
There is a book that continually amazes me with its accuracy in summing up the way I truly am called "Meditations for Men Who Do Too Much". This is a small book with big meaning. Each day, the meditation it recommends seems to drive home the point that I am generally so busy occupying my time that I sometimes lose myself in the shuffle of a daily life spent pressing my self against my "envelope". On one of the days I was in Lutsen, the message was, "So many of us run and run, always looking for the answer, the tonic, and compulsively looking beyond what is in front of us." Man...I hated reading that then and still hate it now, for it is a true and accurate accounting of my life that can be compulsive and always looking toward a future that may not exist.
But, having faith that the meditation book is going to help me, I read it a lot, and today's entry is as powerful for me as the one in March: "It isn't necessary to be endlessly happy. Happiness can be a distortion, another drug to take. What may be more important than happiness is finding a sense of balance." That is so true for me that I believe recent choices I have made may be a mistake that I now feel myself locked into.
Last week, I was offered a teaching position at a local college. It has always been a dream of mine to teach college students, and I leapt at the opportunity. Now, seeing all the work involved - work that will rob time from my Ph.D. studies - I am having second thoughts. But, I am locked in and they are now depending on me to deliver a quality educational experience for 50 students next week. Yet, with the new commitment I feel myself grossly out of balance because of a desperate need to experience happiness that I feel I have always desired. And, being out of balance may effect me more deeply than I had thought when I accepted the teaching position.
So, here I stand, with the burden of three major commitments in my life, work, Ph.D. study and now collegiate teaching, that will push the envelope of my capacities. I am clearly doing too much. Somehow I have rationalized this to conclude that I can do it. I have good time management skills and will desperately need them to have a schedule that will make all three be high-quality performances for my boss, my Ph.D. committee and my students. To pull this off I will need the strength that will come from faith that I can do it. Today, I get that strength from a program of recovery that helps me through each day. One of the places that help comes from is a another book, "Twenty-Four Hours A Day", that also has meditations. Today's is, "I pray that I may be a part of a unified group. I pray that I may contribute my share to its consecrated purpose."
Clearly, I need to get to a meeting of my 12 Step group. I need to contribute to a process designed to get me out of myself and my own head and share with others the experience, strength and hope I have that my life will survive even the most punishing schedule I can put it through. And, just as clearly am I told here that my ultimate happiness is a part of the group process that helps me stay clean and sober today.
For, that is in the balance. I need to remain clean and sober throughout all this and should I not find the balance that comes from sharing and caring with others in recovery, I may never get to enjoy the fruits of my labor...I'll be loaded. "Just for today, I will have a program and try to practice it to be best of my ability", the NA text says. It's time for me to do that. So, long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
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