Ely MN...

I'm in Ely MN for the next several days, just chilling out on my annual solitary retreat. These times away from the routines of my life are increasingly valuable to me. I get a chance to hear nothing but the sounds of my thoughts (except for the occasional chattering of a nearby squirrel) and re-charge.

Ely is a particularly great place to do this. Thanks to the enormous generosity of my good friends George and Mary Kay, I'm able to spend these few days in the splendor of their cabin that is not exactly within the confines of Ely... the exact spot will remain a mystery for the readers of this blog. I don't want to give away too much about it, because I want to protect my friends. Besides, it is one of my favorite spots in the whole world and I want to keep its meaning all to myself.

Ely is a small town in the northern corner of Minnesota - supposedly the late Charles Kurault's favorite little town (and he virtually pioneered the video travel documentary format during his travels to every corner of America). For him to anoint this wonderful place with his highest blessing drove an influx of people here in the 80s and 90s, but it has thankfully retained its charm and a lot of its anonymity since then.

The whole area of northern Minnesota reminds me a lot of my native New England - especially Maine. The lay of the land is similar to Maine and especially the northern part of the Maine coast that eases down to the rugged shore. The place reminds me of Machias Maine where I spent a few vacations in a previous life. The deciduous forest, the winding roads, the sparse settlements, and even the "yard sculptures" of abandoned vehicles and bathtubs that festoon some of the properties is all very familiar to me. The people also have the same kind of attitudes it seems: A stranger getting a haircut from a local, one-chair barber is greeted with caution and plenty of questions for an out-of-towner from "down in the cities." But, people in Minnesota are a bit more friendly than the cranky ole Mainiacs who might actually give you the wrong directions you ask for just to ensure your experience in Maine is so bad that you never come back. Here, they're nicer to your face, and they let the "state bird" - the biting black midge - do the dissuading to strangers.

The whole area borders the Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness, and Ely is one of the towns that is nested just outside it near the Superior National Forest. The Boundary Waters is a million acres of pristine land with more than 1,000 lakes where no motorized equipment of any kind is allowed. In fact, Ely is one of the staging areas for explorers of the area who take canoe trips into the Boundary Waters to camp and fish. So, in a sense, it's quiet in the off season and a bustling little frontier town in the Summer for tourists galore.

All the more reason why it has been a real treat to be here before families arrive with their RVs and boats. I have always liked being alone in places like this at the time others have chosen to be away. There is something incredibly peaceful and fulfilling - if only for a blink - to know you can have an intimate relationship with the natural world and put the rest of it all on hold.

Of course, the temptation for me will be to not just veg out with the TV or dive into books for teaching. I'm challenged by the nature of the place to go for walks, to meditate the way Thoreau did, and sometimes just sit on the porch and do absolutely nothing.

Life is good.

Roger W.

Celebrating Serenity...

Last year I completed a research project on the spiritual transformation that alcoholic men go through in the first year of their sobriety. I called it Celebrating Serenity: The Spiritual Journey of Alcoholic Men Throughout Their First Year in Recovery. The men were between the ages of 19 and 56, from a variety of religious/spiritual backgrounds, and were between 4 and 12 months sober. There were many interesting aspects to the study, some that corroborated pieces of information known about what men go through in recovery, and one important new piece of data that showed the true nature of spiritual change for these men.

            The first finding was that men in early recovery recognize they are coming off a period in their lives that several of them called the “spiritual wasteland.” Buffeted by the strong winds of discord within their families, troubles at work, an erosion of their faith in themselves and God, and the misery of not being able to stop drinking at any cost, these men described the period just before getting sober as being incredibly painful. Suicide was not an uncommon thought as a way to end the downward spiral of their lives. Recognizing the uncontrollable spin they were in made matters worse. They despaired at every finding anything that could help them.

            But, for each man, something happened at one point in their lives when they began to feel there was hope. It usually came upon them suddenly. They saw that things could not get any worse: They recognized that no human being, system, or institution could help them, but that perhaps something outside themselves could work to heal them. This realization was sometimes fleeting or it could be a thought that lasted for several days. But, it was, by almost every standard, a spiritual experience: It relied on information thought and felt that was beyond the realm of ordinary experience for them and certainly not bound by physical or material constraints. It turned out to be the first tier of a spiritual breakthrough.

            For each of the men, the second tier of this spiritual experience took longer to develop. Each man found that, once they stopped drinking due largely to the first tier spiritual experience, they gradually developed a deeper understanding of and appreciation for the spiritual nature of their recovery. Several of them lived on a “pink cloud” for quite a few months where they felt wonderful for the first time in years. Others felt a gradual deepening of their relationship with God, as they understood God. But, all of the men could describe in great detail what it felt like to be connected to some power greater than themselves that was helping them stay sober.

            The sudden onset of a spiritual experience that gradually deepened led invariably to the third finding of the study - they developed a personal relationship with a power greater than themselves. All but one man called this power “God”, and the other (a Native American) termed it the “Great Spirit”. But, regardless of the name, the lasting impression for each man was that he now had the ability to communicate in a personal way with this power. Some felt the power guided their every decision. Others, felt it was available to them whenever the need arose to help them deal with life’s situations or overcome a powerful urge to drink. One man had the palpable feeling that his God was with him constantly. Another said it was like having a good friend who understood him better than anyone else. Regardless of the manifestation, this personal relationship with the higher power they identified was the single most tangible result of their spiritual breakthrough.

            Each man also recognized that to maintain this experience, he had to engage in some physical activity that was grounded in his newly found faith. All of the men were involved in some level of community service. Most worked through Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) with still-suffering alcoholics who needed to hear the message of recovery as lived by these men. The need to put their faith into action was a hallmark of the men’s experience and defined for them the way in which they would give back what most of them said was so freely given to them – sobriety.

            The information the study provided about the wasteland that active alcoholism is, and the practice of good works by helping other alcoholics recover, was not new information for scholars of recovery. But, the idea that the spiritual transformation occurs at two distinct levels was new information. While many writers over the years have suggested that it is an either/or proposition – either a sudden realization, or a gradual awakening – this study showed that it is really both. It seems that the onset of a spiritual experience occurs quite suddenly with a thought or internal dialogue about alcoholism and the possibility of recovery, followed by a longer and deeper period when that idea is refined and crystallized.

            The results of this study are really good news for anyone in early recovery. They demonstrate that there is a common experience before one stops drinking, and a very tactile sense of spiritual change once it is felt that one cannot go on drinking. Armed with this hopeful information, recovering men can, as the AA Big Book says, “trudge the road of Happy Destiny.”

Relapse prevention: Going AA or solo?

         Oftentimes you here about people who have stopped drinking or taking mood or mind-altering drugs on their own without the help of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or any other recovery program. These people are unusual, but their stories deserve some attention.

         There is such a thing as spontaneous remission in addictions. It seems that there is a very small percentage of people who were once pathologically addicted to alcohol or other drugs who stopped using one day on their own. These people defy the odds, but they have testified to the ability to use willpower to withstand the forces of cravings and urges to drink or take drugs again. One day, as if by a miracle, they woke up from the drug-induced denial they had been experiencing, and declared they would not use any more. These people exist and they are usually very anxious to tell the world how easy it was to stop what was once a compulsion to use.

         But, the vast majority of people who stop using alcohol or other drugs on their own do so over time. They add up the threats or consequences that have come to them in the form of DWI’s, eviction from the family, or loss of a job due to drinking or drug use, and they conclude it wasn’t worth it to use these chemicals. Many of these people found something in their life that was more important to them than drinking or drugging. Their family relationships, driver’s license, job, or peace of mind gave them more pleasure than the chemicals. They were able to reason themselves to stopping the use of alcohol or other drugs, i.e., they added up the consequences, thought about how to make better decisions about their use, and concluded that they could resist using based on their application of willpower to the task.

         Accomplishing abstinence through either spontaneous remission or rational recovery methods is incredibly hard to do. One of the reasons is that addiction is a disease of the brain that alters the way nerve cells in the brain communicate about such things as willpower and the freedom to choose the best solution. This disease is very powerful because our brains literally get re-wired by the alcohol or other drugs so that they perpetuate their use. The pressures that an addicted brain can put upon a person who decides to not use are considerable. We call them cravings and urges to use alcohol or other drugs and they can move people to do things they ordinarily do not want to do.

         It’s not to say that AA involvement makes it necessarily any easier to resist using alcohol or other drugs, but there is a feature to the AA program that makes it attractive to many people who seek recovery from addiction. When someone has tried everything else to stop using – psychiatry, counseling, medicines, religion, forced abstinence situations, or even willpower through rational thought – and still been unable to stop using, then AA tends to be a very attractive and useful answer to the problem. One of the reasons for this is that AA deals with the spiritual components of a person’s life that most people don’t like to think are involved with dealing with addictions.

They say in the AA meeting rooms that “Religion is for someone who is afraid to go to hell, but spirituality is for someone who has already been there.” There is no typical member of AA. Yet, to the extent one can say anything about the people who practice recovery through AA, there is the common denominator of having a “God-shaped hole inside” that can’t be filled by any other means. This means that there is some kind of spiritual void inside a person, some missing emotional piece of their being, which is absent in many people who have used alcohol or other drugs to cope for many years.

It is that missing spiritual aspect of recovery that AA addresses. Even many people who have had spontaneous remissions or developed the capacity to “just say no” to alcohol or other drugs will freely admit that their abstinent lives are not very happy. There is a tendency in life for all people to have people, places, things, or situations overwhelm them as they struggle to solve problems in these areas. For the person who has stopped using the psychologically soothing “medication” of alcohol or other drugs to cope with these problems, life can be hectic, confusing, and painful. AA tends to focus more on achieving not only abstinence, but also the peace of mind (serenity) that can come within a life that has been spiritually transformed. Dealing with life on life’s terms becomes easier once there is the knowledge that there is a spiritual system that can help someone cope with problems.

It's the journey, not the destination

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day about the differences between Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. She knew that I had recently decided to stop attending NA meetings and withdraw from all my service commitments in NA, and was curious as to why I had done so. The conversation gave me a good chance to publicly state some of the things that have been rumbling in my mind for the past several years.

She said something interesting I had never heard before: She said that the big difference between AA and NA was that AA found something outside herself - alcohol - to be the problem while NA found that something inside herself - the addiction - to be the core problem in her life. She preferred to think of addiction as something deeply within her core rather than something "out there" that had to be avoided. In essence she was saying that AA finds its focus on a known commodity - alcohol - while NA finds that the core issue - addiction - lives within. This struck me hard. I had to think about the consequences of what she was saying for my own life.

Since the first day I got clean, I have been going to NA meetings. I was exposed to NA when I was in a treatment facility in January, 1988. I had stopped using about a month before when I collapsed in a puddle of emotions during my self-imposed detox process. I had been to one AA meeting since the day I stopped and I felt AA "was not for me," so, by the time I got to the treatment center I was confused about 12 Step programs and didn't think they could help me. But, when a man named Jerry brought a meeting into the treatment center and talked about his addiction and how NA had saved his life, I suddenly recognized that he was talking to me about my own addiction. I found NA and the people in it a welcome relief from the isolated suffering I had been going through.

For more than 25 years, NA was the vehicle for my expression of my recovery. I threw myself into meetings in those early years and gave myself to service work through the Hospitals & Institutions subcommittee of NA that talks to people in prisons and detoxes and hospitals. I was content with NA despite some developing difficulties.

During that whole period of time I found that it was not cool within NA to talk about AA. There is great pressure within the NA fellowship to see NA as a stand-alone recovery program that does not rely on AA. Founded in 1953, the NA movement has worked very hard to distinguish itself from AA and worries about blurring the lines between the two programs. You can't use the word sober in NA. You can't quote Bill W. or use the AA Big Book as a source. You aren't supposed to go to AA meetings or have an AA sponsor. And, you basically have to tolerate a lot less positive talk about recovery in meetings that are dominated by people still addicted to drugs and the lifestyle of the drug addict.

A few months ago that all changed. I had gotten into a debate with a fellow NA member over a technicality about "promoting" NA as opposed to allowing NA to "attract" new members. He was taking a dogmatic approach to the NA message, and I wanted a more expansive approach. He refused to budge. I began wondering what I was doing the service garden I was laboring in. So, I basically gave a voice to what lay within me about AA vs. NA and decided to move back to the practice of my recovering through the AA program.

I realized that for many years I had been squelching the urge to talk about my love of the AA program, its history and especially my affection for Bill W. I had long ago abandoned the AA Big Book as a source of reading about recovery and a guide for my life. I always felt guilty when I thought about Bill and his wisdom. I always felt that I was missing something by not being able to talk about my relationship to the AA fellowship. So, it became clear to me that I needed a change.

So, about three months ago, I started to go back to AA meetings. I bought the new edition of the AA Big Book and started reading again. I read a biography of Bill W. I dove into the meetings. All of a sudden I felt rejuvenated. I felt young again in my recovery. I felt a new sense of purpose and meaning in my recovery. In every sense it felt just plain good to be a regular member of the fellowship without the weight of expectations that falls upon someone who is clean 25 years within the NA system. No...I was just your everyday AA member, and I loved it.

For me today it doesn't make any difference whether the addiction lives outside of me in a bottle or whether is is something that is within the core of me. I think the AA principles handle all of that very nicely when AA says that drinking alcohol in itself is just a symptom of a larger issue of who I am as a man. And, the 12 Steps go deeper by telling me that abstinence is not the goal of the process...serenity is. AA found "a solution to the drink problem" and it lies within the changes that I make within me to live a life that is happy, joyous and free.

It's not that my friend and I disagree. We get to the same place by different routes. She knows that addiction itself is the core problem, and I realize that alcohol is not the only demon I have to cope with. It's the journey, not the destination that is the key difference between us, and I relish the chance to be on that sojourn again with the likes of Bill W. and Dr. Bob and the millions of other alcoholics who recover one day at a time. So...it's not so much that I am leaving NA behind as it is that I am rejoining the troupe of like-minded people in AA who have a deep and rich tradition of recovery based on the practice of spiritual principles in life. And, it feels very, very good indeed!

All the best,

Roger W.

The illusion of control...

Most people confuse two words: control and power do not mean the same thing.

To try to control people, places, things, or situations in our lives is a feeble attempt to ward off anxiety that is brought on by the insecurity of not knowing the future with any degree of certainty. In fact, many of us spend an inordinate amount of time trying to control our world under the pretense of an argument that says "I am the one who has to harness the unpredictable forces of good and evil in my world because there is no one else who is going to do so." Thus, we spend time in our day trying to act in a way that suggests to ourselves and anyone else who is watching that we have our lives together and that we are secure against the demons at the door.

Now, for most people, this is not a big deal. Many are not overly troubled by their attempts to control things around them and they have a modicum of success handling what comes their way. If they manage to control things, then their world goes along without skipping a beat. If they fail at controlling, they muster up their courage to tackle the next set of unpredictables and forge ahead. But, for the alcoholic and drug addict, things can be quite different and the attempt at control can set them up for the feeling of failure...a deadly set of emotional responses that can (and usually does) lead directly to the bottle or the bong. Alcoholics and addicts are famous for setting up an impossible scenario for the God of their understanding when they whine that they have tried everything within their power to control the forces bearing down upon them and, because they have not done so, blame their God for forsaking and failing them. They are usually reinforced this way to believe that they must go it alone in a dog-eat-dog world.

What many alcoholics and addicts fail to understand is that in order to control some things in their lives they need power. Usually, after coming off a bender of a day or a decade, the average alcoholic and addict realizes that they haven't got much power over the forces in the universe to effect positive change in their lives. They have usually squandered any power sources they may have had and find themselves bereft of any of the usual power sources that can help people. They then erroneously conclude that there is no power in the world available to them and despair at ever being able to make a difference in their own lives. Alcoholics and addicts are famous for thinking that if they can't do it alone, then it's not worth doing at all.

So it is that I was intrigued recently when I read a paragraph in the AA Big Book that addressed this problem (it's always true for me now that the Big Book has an answer for everything that bothers me!). On page 386 of the new fourth edition, the writer talks about how he came to see that he had gained power in his life simply by being sober:

Here (in AA) I found an ingredient that had been lacking in any other effort I had made to save myself. Here was - power! Here was power to live to the end of any given day, power to have the courage to face the next day, power to have friends, power to help people, power to be sane, power to stay sober....Moreover, I am deeply convinced that so long as I continue to strive, in my bumbling way, toward the principles I first encountered in the earlier chapters of this book, this remarkable power will continue to flow through me.

It's here we see that the real source of power for recovering people as being the belief that, through spiritual principles inherent in the AA program, they are able to control their lives. It is by giving up the attempt to do everything themselves, and by giving themselves up entirely to this simple program, that they gain the power to actually work through adversity and suffering... and live. This is what we call the paradoxical effect of the belief in powerlessness as it is expressed when we find we are defenseless against alcohol and drugs: By giving up the attempt to control, we gain it.

Always, this is a giving up of oneself to a power greater than oneself. And, that's usually where the rub happens for the average alcoholic or addict struggling with recovery. Many people don't want to give up the illusion of control and they continue to tell themselves they are able to control their drinking and drugging behaviors as well as every other aspect of their lives. When they fail it justifies drinking or drugging. In fact, usually alcoholics and addicts who an enlightened, and see themselves as unable to muster that power within themselves, turn to a God of their understanding to help them. And, it works.

Such belief provides the power to do what we can no longer do for ourselves...the power that the alcoholic on page 386 has found in his life and freely passes on to us.

All the best,

Roger W.

What's the World Coming to?

This morning I heard a radio ad for the National Traffic Safety Board. The punchline to the ad was, "Driving buzzed is driving drunk."

This tag line implies that there are some people out there who believe that it is OK to drive with an alcohol/drug buzz and that this is not actually driving drunk. I had never heard this before, and I run across quite a few excuses for using alcohol and other drugs in my line of work. It means that some people have so cleverly deluded themselves into believing that they can alter their consciousness to a certain extent and not run afoul of the law...therefore, they do not have an alcohol or dug problem. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth, and I can make the argument that any person who has to go to that length to justify drinking has a bigger problem than many people who drink and drive.

I think it's all part of the changing mores in America that allows certain kinds of behavior if that behavior can be defined in a certain way. I think the most egregious example of this was in the 1990s when then-President Bill Clinton emphatically told the American people..." I did NOT have sex with that woman." He defined sex differently than most people do and this, to him, justified his behavior to have certain kinds of sexual experiences with a woman that did not fit the definition of what would ordinarily be reprehensible behavior for a President.

I think it also goes for young people today who frequently define sex as only sexual intercourse and engage in a raft of behaviors that are sexual, but that are not technically (to them) a violation of some weird moral code. I also think it goes to the growing argument since the old 1960s civil rights days where today people who have no genuine civil rights concerns assert their civil rights to defend all kinds of behaviors. I think of reverse discrimination claims and the gun nuts who will kill in order to protect their civil rights.

This is too bad. It is really unfortunate that we not only allow this to happen, but that most of us sit idly by while these perpetrators of revisionist definitions of key human principles are allowed to get away with this in the public discussions of alcoholism and other social problems. We allow right wing conservatives to define marriage the way they want and we accept that their insane thinking is on a par with common sense. We allow people who have a religious axe to grind to define when life occurs, what stem cell research ought to be, and even what the term rape refers to.

I feel the need at times like this to stand up for common sense. Drinking while driving is a problem! It makes no difference if your blood alcohol level comes in a .79 - just below the legal limit. You have a problem that needs to be dealt with if you go that far to justify your compulsive behavior. It speaks to the overall ignorance of most people about what the illness of chemical dependency is and feeds into the notion that it is a moral problem - I can change the morality if I simply define it away. It is not a moral problem...it is a biological brain problem. Moreover, it is crystal clear to most rational people that this biological problem has changed the way the brain works to the extent that one might foolishly try to justify something as stupid as drunk driving.

Too bad we need a public service announcement radio ad to tell people the truth.

Roger W.

Teaching...

The teaching I do continues to go very well. In every sense, my regret is that I never started teaching earlier in my life. But, it certainly comes at a time when I need a career rejuvenation.

I teach at the Graduate School of Addictions at a well-known treatment program in the mid-West (they refuse to allow me identify them in my blog - such is the way of massive bureaucracies). This graduate school class in Group Therapy Theory and Practice has 23 students from around the world. They are all adult learners who are highly motivated and passionate about their chosen career. They will all become licensed alcohol and drug counselors when they get their Master's degrees. And, they are a joy to be with every week.

Of course, it's immodest of me to say (but this is a blog, after all, and I guess I'm supposed to brag a bit!) but I have become an expert in group psychotherapy. I've practiced it with my patients for the vast bulk of my 24-year career and this has taught me quite a bit about how you use my skills as a therapist within the context of group therapy work. But, I have also studied this subject thoroughly and know about the cutting edge theories and practices that make group therapy a powerful intervention for people with addictions. Group therapy is not what many people believe it to be: Group experience does not rely on "spilling my guts" in front of people like many who have either never done group work or fear it believe. Instead, it relies on working in the here-and-now of the present moment that the members find themselves in the group room...working on relationships that people have to one another and presenting or solving psychological problems through those relationships. My students are learning about ways they can make this kind of therapy effective in peoples' lives and it is gratifying to see them change during the semester.

I also teach at Augsburg College - or, I used to teach there. The semester ended last week for the Principles of Psychology course I taught to undergraduate students. Now, I've moved on to teach psychology to prisoners inside one of the state's maximum security prisons at Stillwater through Augsburg where the prisoners will get their degrees. I start the semester in June, and I will have 23 men to teach then. I am very much looking forward to the experience of teaching inside a prison. The last time I was in one was when I worked in Massachusetts inside a maximum security prison as a drug counselor on a unit with 61 men. That was a difficult job in that you were really in an adversarial relationship with the prisoner and there was constant tension. Now, with the teaching, I am no longer in a confrontational position with prisoners - I am there to help them learn and this will be quite a difference from my past experience.

By all accounts, I am a good teacher. The student evaluations that follow each semester from all my students have been very good, if not glowing. The Dean's at the respective schools are very pleased that they essentially took a risk with me because I have not had that much teaching experience, and that this risk has paid off for them because they find me to be a really good teacher. That is incredibly gratifying to know. I feel blessed with skills that make me a good communicator and I have empathy for people wanting to learn. Couple that with a passion for both topics, group therapy and psychology, and I am able to motivate students to learn the material.

This all comes at a time in my life where I am struggling with my counseling job. I really dislike the administrative atmosphere I have to function in at the treatment center where I work. There is an institutional snobbishness about the place where I work that is not backed up by performance: The place has ingrained administrative procedures and norms that are imposed on counselors because "we are the best" or "we know this works" when neither of those statements is really true. I think the place does injustice to patients sometimes when it has high caseloads, refuses to allow patients to determine their own need for a level of care, and treat counselors poorly because they are at the bottom of the pecking order. But, I know, this is not really any different than at other places that treat addicts and alcoholics.

I think the real problem is me. I have been on the front line of addiction counseling now for 24+ years. I have always pushed aside opportunities to supervise other people and eschewed other management responsibility in agencies where I worked. This has led me to now be in a subservient position where I am not able to effect any institutional decisions, and have no power. Couple that with being so burned out that I am crispy around the edges, and I have to work very hard every day to not express my true feelings and just march along to the drumbeat. I think my attitude suffers also because, as my friends and colleagues begin their retirement years, I am stuck having to work four jobs at my age. This leads to resentment and I have to work every day on not allowing that to run my emotional life.

So, the teaching is the fresh air I need to breathe every day that sustains me. In the classroom I am relevant, purposeful, necessary, powerful, and in control...all qualities I cannot realize in my day job. I am grateful for that because some people don't even have the opportunity to realize those qualities in their work life. I just hope I can continue teaching into my very old age.

All the best,

Roger W.

Letting go of control...

Today's reading in Twenty-Four Hours A Day makes some great points about the benefits of letting go of the need to control everything in life.

It essentially says that my way of doing things had not worked very for many years, and that true peace of mind can come from "submitting to God." Now, that was a phrase that used to send me into orbit. I was someone who never wanted to accept the fact that it was God's world and the laws of nature in that world generally dictated the course of action in anyone's life. Rather, I wanted to believe that I was really powerful enough to turn events to my liking and make the forces of the universe submit to my bidding. No, there was nothing in this world that was going to tell me that I had to bend a knee to some "god," especially the one that I was taught to fear as a child. After all, I used to reason, hadn't God either ignored me for most of my life, or, even worse, possibly punished me for the "wrongs" I had done? And, could it be that God was behind all those nasty things that had happened to me to hurt me both physically and emotionally? "No way," I used to say..."you're not going to get me to submit to anything, much less a God I'm really angry at."

A few years after I got sober that all changed. I realized that this need to control had a real hold on me. Like today's reading says, pride, selfishness and fear all held me back from achieving the kinds of things I wanted to do in my lifetime. My fierce independence was really an anchor holding me in place. I had no idea when I was getting drunk that a new, better life could release me from this bondage and give me peace and serenity. But, today I know it's true: By letting go I actually gained control. Here's how that happened.

I have a concept of a Higher Power - I call God - that follows closely what Rabbi Harold Kushner developed in his book When Bad Things Happen to Good People. It's a terrific little book about faith and how it developed in a man who was angry at God for his young son's disease that eventually killed him. He made the point that perhaps God, as we humans traditionally think about God, is not as all-powerful and all-knowing as we make God out to be. Rather, perhaps this God, after creating a universe that is built on human free will and the laws of nature, lost control of the world because mankind was free to behave any way it thought was right. So, Kushner reasoned, instead of God being an entity that we think can control outcomes in our lives, we might be better off thinking that God really suffers alongside us when things occur that are painful, confusing, deadly or horrible. This presence of a very powerful being, a God that is with us throughout our suffering, gives us peace of mind because we realize that if God can't control the outcomes in the universe then I am relieved of the burden to think I either need to or can control things all by myself. Here we are, frequently in the midst of suffering, and we get the strength knowing that we will eventually survive terrible pain simply because God is with us throughout it. This belief spurs us on and gives us hope for the future.

This notion works no matter what happens in our life. It is a comforting notion. It means I am eventually not alone with my suffering, that God is with me, and I am fortified knowing that God can no more change the course of events that are happening than I can. What we sometimes think and pray for as miracles that might happen are really the forces of nature around us that might occur and change the course of what seems to be certain danger or hardship. But, since I don't base my life on the expectation of miracles, it is reassuring to know that there is a God of my understanding that works alongside me to help me cope. 

This means that we can have a clear spiritual consciousness of a God of our understanding and not compromise our ability to make decisions for ourselves or otherwise exercise free will. After all, we have to live in the world and successfully adapt to its needs. This consciousness is also entirely consistent with my Buddhist practice that concentrates on mindfulness of my reality, the oneness of the universe and the spirit of the Buddha that transcends everyday living.

I have come to see that my faith in God this way actually makes it not only possible for me to function in the world, but also do it with much greater peace of mind and comfort than I had when I was getting drunk.

All the best,

Roger W.

Random thoughts today...

*   I'm a little worried by stepping a bit outside the boundaries of what this blog is supposed to be about - addiction and recovery - into the world of gun control that I have alienated and confused readers. I have strong feelings about the subject, but I don't want that to detract from the stronger feelings I have about  recovery. I was trying to make a connection to addiction and, while I think that was made, it's a stretch into the great unknown when it comes to special kinds of addiction like power. I feel the need to recommit myself to AA's beautiful policy of eschewing any comments on "outside issues" and sticking to the point of my work on this blog. I feel there's also supposed to be room here for comments about my personal life and so I'll continue to make those because they are all part of my recovery.

*   I've decided to switch back to Alcoholics Anonymous and move away from Narcotics Anonymous as my primary recovery support structure. I got wrapped up recently in some internal politics about NA policy with another member recently and it reminded me of why I am involved and do some of the service work I do. I really dislike the politics of some aspects of my life these days...the larger world, work and NA. For most of my recovery I have been speaking to addicts in prisons and detox centers about recovery and this has been my way of giving back to the program what it has so freely given to me. But, when I venture outside that service level I get anxious and lose focus. So, I'm moving back to a simpler life within the AA structure...just going to meetings, listening, sharing and trying to bury my ego.

*   The Online-Substance-Abuse-Counseling.com web site I started last year has finally paid off...I have three patients now that I work with through Skype video or on the telephone. It's great work. I am my own boss and do not have some Capo-like manager staring at me and questioning every one of my therapeutic decisions. The work with the patients is interesting and invigorating. They seem to be benefitting from the encounters. I am trying to promote the site better to attract new patients. The site is now the #1 listing on page one in Google when the actual words "online substance abuse counseling" are entered, and I'm near the top when other key words are added. So I'm really looking forward to more work through it.

*   I'm back to teaching again this Summer at the graduate school and also within a local state prison. I'll be teaching psychology to prisoners who will receive college credit for the course. I've worked in prisons before and know the environment well. It'll be a challenge discussing anti-social personality disorder there (for sure!), but it ought to be a stimulating place to teach. It looks like adjunct teaching is my karma for a while...I lost out on two good tenure-track jobs recently because I think I didn't fit the demographic they had in mind. At least I'm teaching and that is a good thing.

*   I've started to take better care of my body by watching what I eat (currently on a "juicing" kick) and exercising more. Feeling a bit better about myself and how I move through space. In many respects, like so many other people, I have taken myself for granted a lot over the years and can no longer just assume I will be healthy and fit. It's taken me about 10 years - actually since the cancer surgery in 2004 - to finally get the idea that I need to maintain my body rather than exploit it. Hopefully this will work to stabilize my weight and fitness so I can establish an eating and exercise routine that will maintain health. "They" (whoever they are) were right: In the end, the only thing that really matters is how healthy you are. All the rest is extra.

All the best,

Roger W.

The NRA is a terrorist...

The Happy Hour is devoted to the discussion of addiction and recovery. It has been, for four years now,  a space for me to share ideas about what makes up addiction of various kinds as well as propose some solutions to the problem. But, every now and then, some things about life in general are of such grave concern that they need to be shared in this space because they overlap - even distantly - with the topics of addiction and recovery.

The gun control debate is one of them.

Very soon, the vote on gun safety for background checks will come before the Congress. Pundits are now speculating that every single compromise that has been worked out to control access to weapons will be defeated and we will have no better system tomorrow than we have today. This is terribly upsetting to me. So, I've been asking myself why this seemingly insane behavior of refusing to allow the control of dangerous weapons will happen.

I think it has something to do with addiction. People who are so heavily invested in either the financial or the emotional outcomes of gun control legislation are behaving in much the same way that drug and alcohol pushers would react if there was an attempt to further curtail their activities selling alcohol or other drugs to the public. People who supply the alcohol or other drugs want the minimum amount of interference in their activities. The liquor lobby in Congress is nearly as powerful as the NRA...one only has to look at their ability to thwart content labeling on alcohol products or warning labels like those on cigarettes to see that they will go to any length to stop efforts to expose them for who they are. They are protecting the source of their power which is the intoxicating effect that such products have on those who use them.

And, that's where addiction comes in. To me, people who own and use weapons are people who are in desperate need to feel powerful against the forces of man and nature that they feel might destroy them. They are grasping for any rope to rescue them from the sea of threats that modern life presents. To them, mere life itself - in the form of criminals, competitors, or corruption - is threatening their happiness, their mobility, their freedom and their livelihoods. So, they arm themselves against these and other threats in the hope that they can "defend" themselves against evil or even the government itself they fear might turn against them. They are addicted to this need for power. The crave it, have urgent thoughts about it, and want to protect the source of that power (gun and ammunition sellers) in the same way that alcoholics or drug addicts want to protect the source of the relief they get from using. And, they are vulnerable to the various cues in their environment that suggest to them that they are about to lose that power. So, they rise up and make threats to act to defend this power in any way possible...including using weapons against those who would try to take their power away. And, behind the scenes operates the NRA...a lobbyist for the addictive power sources.

The NRA is a special kind of domestic terrorist organization. They operate in the public eye - much the way the old IRA operated - with the supposed support of a segment of the population. They allow others to do their dirty work - sometimes crazy people who shoot or bomb, other times "responsible" people who go astray. Their agents, called members of Congress, will soon again win a battle to thwart common sense gun safety measures. But, it seems, every form of evil that can be inflicted on others through weapon ownership goes back to the NRA. (I was shocked today to learn that the NRA even opposes the use of a special chemical in explosives so they can be traced to a manufacturer.) When are we going to stop their exploitation of the Constitution just so they can earn their crass money at the expense of the lives of innocent and ordinary people? When are we going to see them for what they really are...dealers in a power that has become the true opiate of the people?

So, we have a group of people in this country who are so weak at defending themselves that they need high-powered weapons to spray their power against anyone who threatens to curtail it. They are backed by truly diabolical, insane and manipulative people in the NRA. They are reinforced in their delusion that guns will protect them everyday when they read in the media that someone else has been murdered or attacked by a "them"... whoever they may be. And, caressing their weapons in their private stash like a drug addict or alcoholic who worships their fix or their drink, these people cower in the corner of the mainstream of life in America and make their own threats to vote you down, intimidate with fear or actually kill you with their guns.

This kind of thinking is admittedly a little bit of a stretch, but I am increasingly alarmed by the nature of addiction as a force in human life. We seem drawn to the flame like moths when we allow ourselves to drift into behaviors like using drugs or owning guns under the delusion that they will make us happy or give us peace of mind. Neither drugs nor weapons do that. Instead, armed with the power of media and money, terrorist organizations like the NRA hold out the promise - like the drug dealer - that guns will make it all better.

All I can do is write about such things... and pray for peace.

Roger W.

Rules of Thumb...

         One of the things that is interesting about healing from addiction to alcohol or other drugs is that a person has the ability to pick the type and level of emotional pain they want to go through when in recovery.

         The alcoholic or drug addict lifestyle is marked by pain. It is long-term emotional pain that is carried over from the tendency to avoid dealing with the people, places, things, and situations that ordinarily occur in life. In effect, the active alcoholic or addict makes a deliberate attempt to get around problems, get over on situations, or otherwise avoid dealing with the short term pains of life. They refuse to deal with a troubled relationship. They find ways to get around the law. They lie, cheat and steal their way through life. They rely on instant gratification of their needs by accepting short-term gains. And they postpone the inevitable pain that stems from this behavior. That long-term pain comes in the form of guilt, shame, embarrassment, lack of productivity, poor relationships, and other negative consequences that dog a person for a long time.

         Rule of thumb: Short-term gain equals long-term pain.

         In recovery, people flip the script of the active alcoholic or drug addict lifestyle. Instead of going for short term payoffs, they will often deliberately set themselves on a course to actually experience and work through the tougher things of life. They do not avoid the pain that comes from confronting another person over how that person may be hurting them, or the regret for avoiding the wedding where they know there will be an open bar, or the discomfort of having to go to a 12-Step meeting instead of bowling with the team that night. Recovering people welcome the short-term pain of life’s normal course and learn how to cope and endure the discomfort that often comes from having to make the hard choices. They reap the harvest of delaying gratification, putting up with annoyances, and doing the hard work of recovery. For this, these people enjoy the benefits of long-term gain. They feel capable, productive, confident, and often very serene. They remain clean and sober. They stay in recovery.

         Rule of thumb: Short-term pain equals long-term gain.

         That’s how it is that recovering people can pick the level of pain they want to endure. They are able to choose between the long-term pain of ever-present sadness, guilt, shame, loss of self-esteem, and problem relationships. Or, they can go through the short-term pain of being exasperated, disturbed, discomforted, annoyed, frustrated or pained. They can choose to feel the short-term blast of pleasure and feelings of temporary gain by avoiding. Or, they can select the long-term gains of serenity, joy, happiness and sobriety that are caused by being engaged.

         Sometimes it is not easy to make this choice. “Getting over” behaviors are ingrained in many alcoholics and drug addicts who are in recovery. These inappropriate and sometimes illegal behaviors are meant to take advantage of other people and situations. This is sometimes driven by childhood insecurities or powerlessness, or learned from other people. Sometimes, this behavior is as automatic as the addiction was.

         To correct his thinking it is necessary to first learn how to be self-observant, or what is called mindful, of attitudes and behaviors that might be causing the need to take the quick fix, short term gain approach. New behaviors and skills need to be built on a new self-concept that is tied to new personal goals. In that way, a person can learn that they do not need to get over in order to get ahead.

         The short-term gain equals long-term pain, and short-term pain equals long-term gain formula for healthy thinking leads to sustained recovery from addictions of all kinds.