Increasing spirituality...

My life has been hectic these past two weeks, but not so busy as to not feel the impact of a power greater than myself in my life. Whenever things get overwhelming there is a tendency for me to be too present, too focused on detail, and too compulsive with what I do on a daily basis. It sometimes leads to me missing that forest because all I see are the trees in my life.

This has been this way ever since I accepted that position teaching a Psychology course at a local college. I've had plenty of tasks to do each day that a teacher must do in order to prepare for lectures and attend to administrative requirements, and I have also had my dissertation proposal to write and my work. Sorting out what to do next can be a little sketchy as these three things press against my schedule. Yet, throughout it all, I have been strangely calm and consistent (OK...sure! I have occasionally cursed someone on the highway, or murmured to myself about the task at hand), but, I've kept my cool.

The thing that allows me to do so is my faith. Faith in a Higher Power in my life is still difficult for me to talk about in public - or even use the name "God" to describe it -, but I know it exists for me and empowers me to even discuss it in this space. I had been so long without a avowed faith that I sometimes feel uneasy talking about it for fear that it is not how I really feel but only a fantasy I have constructed because I was told it is necessary in order to recover from addiction. I had been so successful in lying to myself and everyone else around me for so long that I truly question my own thoughts and beliefs these days and put them through a reality check filter in order to make sure they are real. I think a lot of people in recovery do this. The reason for it is there is always some residual guilt for having squandered years turning our backs on the faith we had been given, and now, in recovery, feel uneasy thinking the faith is still there and for us.

But, there is a larger problem that plagues me about recognizing and affirming my faith: I had been taught for many years about the many people (philosophers and scientists) who had made detailed and powerful arguments against the existence of a God in this universe. Skepticism about faith in God came natural to me as I read many books that argued there cannot be any entity beyond that we can perceive with our senses, and the rest is made up of the fantasy that humans must create about a God in order to answer ancient questions about our existence and the chances of life after this life. There is a natural fear and worry about the future and what happens after our death that religious organizations have capitalized on throughout history in order to help people understand about the pain of this existence. But, often these systems themselves become problems that induce unhappy feelings in people.

I was raised a Roman Catholic and there is a certain quality about being Catholic that can permeate every fiber of your being. This quality is one of guilt and shame for being human (Original Sin is the hallmark of this), and the pain these two pillars of the Church's theology inflict can last a lifetime. There are many eminent people who have criticized the Church for this insistence on making human's everywhere feel they are the one's who nailed Christ to that cross, and the thinkers have usually gone on to form their own religious organizations as a way to support their thinking. I was one who turned away from the Church at a young age because I didn't like feeling ashamed of something I did not do. But, when I did, I found myself always teetering on the brink of a great hole into which I was always about to fall...some emptiness in which I was utterly alone in the universe and beyond hope. That had been a very painful place to be for more than 25 years before I found my spiritual footing again through the 12 Step program of Narcotics Anonymous.

Today, I know I can give myself permission to turn away from the hurtful dogma of some religious organizations and turn toward the soothing comfort of a program built upon a spiritual foundation that allows me to use my own understanding of God. I know it is alright for me to pray for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. I see how just knowing this can give me peace and comfort in my daily life that sometimes seems chaotic and unpredictable. Just feeling this deeply within my heart and not just thinking about it in my head is oftentimes enough to carry me through the day. And, I know that so long as a continue to feel this way I will forever more be guided toward what is right for me. Great confidence comes over me when I think this way, and it seems as if anything can be accomplished, nothing can stand in my way, and I will be safe throughout it all. I think it is that which keeps me going and growing, and I am eternally grateful to God for giving me a chance to have a second peek at true happiness and hope.

All the best, Roger W.  

Doing too much...

The headline photograph shown in the title above was taken by me during a rare vacation last Spring to Lutsen, Minnesota. Lutsen is the closest thing we have here in Minnesota to ski country, and being in the resort town for a few days in the off season was very interesting for me. Along the shores of Lake Superior I learned a lot about myself...but, perhaps not enough.

I struggled with things to do for the several days I was there. It's quite a remote area and there are no usual places to go and see. In fact, it's a lazy place with skiing being the chief recreation in the area and not much else except some mighty fine dining at the Lutsen Lodge where I was staying. There's a casino nearby, but I'm not much into gambling and a casual walk through the smoked-filled rooms reeking with the foul odor of smoke and too many people was enough for the 20-minute tour. Internet activity was spotty and cell phones rarely worked. So, for all practical purposes I was left to myself to figure out how to enjoy "me". It didn't work out so well.

I had brought along a new, old-fashioned film camera I bought through a yard sale, and thought I might be very active with making photographs on the trip. In fact, I only made a roll of what I considered marginally good pictures of the scenery and people there. One of them was the photograph above which is clearly the pick of the litter. I seemed to always be in too much of a hurry to go nowhere and twice passed by Split Rock Lighthouse in favor of staying on-the-road and "ahead of the traffic" (that was really non-existent) where I could have made some stock photographs. Frankly, I was so consumed by the difficulty of being by myself that I could barely make any pictures, so my dreams with this camera were dashed almost from the start.

There is a book that continually amazes me with its accuracy in summing up the way I truly am called "Meditations for Men Who Do Too Much". This is a small book with big meaning. Each day, the meditation it recommends seems to drive home the point that I am generally so busy occupying my time that I sometimes lose myself in the shuffle of a daily life spent pressing my self against my "envelope".  On one of the days I was in Lutsen, the message was, "So many of us run and run, always looking for the answer, the tonic, and compulsively looking beyond what is in front of us." Man...I hated reading that then and still hate it now, for it is a true and accurate accounting of my life that can be compulsive and always looking toward a future that may not exist.

But, having faith that the meditation book is going to help me, I read it a lot, and today's entry is as powerful for me as the one in March: "It isn't necessary to be endlessly happy. Happiness can be a distortion, another drug to take. What may be more important than happiness is finding a sense of balance." That is so true for me that I believe recent choices I have made may be a mistake that I now feel myself locked into.

Last week, I was offered a teaching position at a local college. It has always been a dream of mine to teach college students, and I leapt at the opportunity. Now, seeing all the work involved - work that will rob time from my Ph.D. studies - I am having second thoughts. But, I am locked in and they are now depending on me to deliver a quality educational experience for 50 students next week. Yet, with the new commitment I feel myself grossly out of balance because of a desperate need to experience happiness that I feel I have always desired. And, being out of balance may effect me more deeply than I had thought when I accepted the teaching position.

So, here I stand, with the burden of three major commitments in my life, work, Ph.D. study and now collegiate teaching, that will push the envelope of my capacities. I am clearly doing too much. Somehow I have rationalized this to conclude that I can do it. I have good time management skills and will desperately need them to have a schedule that will make all three be high-quality performances for my boss, my Ph.D. committee and my students. To pull this off I will need the strength that will come from faith that I can do it. Today, I get that strength from a program of recovery that helps me through each day. One of the places that help comes from is a another book, "Twenty-Four Hours A Day",  that also has meditations. Today's is, "I pray that I may be a part of a unified group. I pray that I may contribute my share to its consecrated purpose."

Clearly, I need to get to a meeting of my 12 Step group. I need to contribute to a process designed to get me out of myself and my own head and share with others the experience, strength and hope I have that my life will survive even the most punishing schedule I can put it through. And, just as clearly am I told here that my ultimate happiness is a part of the group process that helps me stay clean and sober today.

For, that is in the balance. I need to remain clean and sober throughout all this and should I not find the balance that comes from sharing and caring with others in recovery, I may never get to enjoy the fruits of my labor...I'll be loaded. "Just for today, I will have a program and try to practice it to be best of my ability", the NA text says. It's time for me to do that. So, long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.

All the best, Roger W.

Blagging...

There's terrific news on my home front as I found out last Friday that I have been given an Adjunct Professorship at the Minneapolis Community & Technical College. I thought I'd do a little bragging on my blog (blagging as my friend George coined it) to celebrate.

"Who'd a thunk it!" as my friend Mary Kay said when told the news. And, she's right...who would've believed just 4 years ago that I would be teaching at the collegiate level? Not me, for sure. It's always been a dream, of course, to teach college students about Psychology, but I frankly didn't think I would have a shot at it until I finished up the Ph.D. two years from now. But, here I am, going into the classroom with 50 students on August 23rd. Amazing.

It's always been true for me that you have to be careful what you wish for in recovery. You're liable to get it, and you have to make sure that it's something that you really want. This has held true for me several times: When I got a job as a French chef at a 4-star restaurant in Boston at age 53, when I got a job working with adolescent drug addicts at a world-renowned drug treatment facility when I was 58, and when I get a job teaching college students at 63. I truly believe that anyone can do anything they set their minds to do at any age. The recipe is simple: The chief ingredient is passion for the work, mixed together with preparation through learning either in school or on-the-job, a level of enthusiasm for the position, and a dash of good luck to be in the right place when the need arises.

These times always beg for a reflective attitude, and I can only offer extreme gratitude to my Higher Power I found in recovery as the main feeling I have at the moment. There are parts of me that feel as if I don't deserve this kind of favorable treatment in the world (has been a lingering character defect not yet removed by my Step Seven prayers), and I struggle to accept good things without waiting for the other shoe to drop. So there is more than a little worry about performing well on the job and carrying through with the dream without somehow screwing it up. But, at the end of the day I realize that I do warrant this kind of favorable and serendipitous activity in my life largely because of the hard work I put into fulfilling my purpose in life and staying clean and sober. Surely I would not be doing any of this if I was still drinking and drugging because, if I was still alive, I would certainly have no ambitions, positive relationships and perseverance to work through the daily demands of living life on life's terms. It's my faith in a Higher Power that has made this possible by giving me hope (Step Two) and strength (Step Eleven) to carry on.

So, I celebrate my achievements by blagging a little bit and know that you who read this are interested in my success and well-being. I am also very grateful for that and will carry this in my heart always.

All the best, Roger W.

Big Book Analysis...

There are some people in the world who have made it their life's work to deconstruct the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous. Most have done this in a healthy way as an attempt to help people understand the levels of meaning that the book has and the myriad of ways to view the content that has helped millions of men and women recover from active alcoholism. And, while there are some who have done this as a way to discredit the book's value, the overwhelming number of commentaries on the book are positive attempts to provide a road map through the logic that the first 100 members of AA used to present their method of recovery.

I have recently come to own one of these manuscripts that - although never published - is one of the finest examples of this process of fully explaining what the Big Book means and how AA was created. I'll use the name "Mr. Jones" as a reference for its author because I am unsure where this copy of the manuscript came from and do not want to compromise the source (the copyright on this copy may not have been honored in reproducing it and so long as it is not used for commercial profit I'm OK with owning it). Regardless, this is a wonderful, unedited version of how AA was created and the principles that undergird recovery through the 12 Steps.

Mr. Jones has a huge amount of inside information about the foundations of AA that must have come from years of painstaking research. He has a list of the "cast of characters" who were instrumental in creating AA - from Bill W. and Dr. Bob, through Drs. Carl Jung and Sam Shoemaker, to Philosopher William James and Ebby Thatcher (Bill's sponsor). Now, some of these names may not be familiar to the average reader, but they are all a part of what we know today as Alcoholics Anonymous having its roots in ideas about alcoholism that came from many other people before Bill W. and Dr. Bob. That's the way it is with many ideas that get to be a part of the mainstream culture - it builds upon what was already thought about by different people in different settings and comes together under one umbrella organization like AA.

There is a master timeline that shows the critical dates in AA development from the month that Ebby first carried the message of recovery to a still-drinking Bill W. in November, 1934, to the date of Dr. Bob's last drink on June 10, 1935 which is known as "Founder's Day" in AA. I did not realize that it only took four months from the time Bill W. first wrote out the 12 Steps on a yellow scratch pad in December 1938 at his home to the copies of the Big Book coming off the presses in April 1939. That's truly amazing.

Mr. Jones also has organized his commentary in a very helpful way. He chose to use the chapters of the Big Book itself as a way to organize his comments and interpretations of the chapter and paragraph meanings. So, one can find ideas about spirituality in "We Agnostics" and who the "alcoholic friend" who visited Bill was (Ebby Thatcher) in the forward to the Second Edition section.

But the best part of this manuscript is where Mr. Jones comments on the sections as ways to guide the reader through meaning that may have been intended by the 100 AA authors. There are just too many of these references in the 155-page manuscript to recount here. But, the reader should know that these commentaries obviously come from someone who knows the Big Book and AA very well from both intellectual and personal experience.

While I won't pretend to know everything that Mr. Jones knows about the Big Book and the founding of AA, I might be able to answer some of your questions about these matters thanks to having this manuscript. So, if you need answers to age-old questions that have been haunting you, drop me a line and I'll see what I can come up with.

Until then, all the best, Roger W.

Bill W. Film, The End...

We come now to the end of the film Bill W. and Lois made about the formation of AA that we have been running here as a serial. In a sense, it's too bad we cannot have more of him. However, there are other videos of Bill talking to groups, speaking on the Traditions of AA, and many audio tapes of his many addresses to large AA gatherings...you can find them through You Tube. Perhaps we can present some of them here. I think we cannot get enough of the written, video and audio accounts of the founders of this life-saving program.

In this clip, we conclude Lois's remarks about her thoughts and feelings when Bill was diagnosed and, most importantly, her feelings about her own situation with regard to Bill's alcoholism. We all know that her experience led to the formation of the Alanon movement that has helped countless spouses, siblings and friends touched by the disease come to grips with the need to care for themselves. This too is powerful material to see in the video. Bill concludes by taling about Dr. Shoemaker and the publication of the AA "Big Book" and what this has meant for him. When we last see him, he is broadly strolling his property in Bedford NY, off the screen and into history.

So, sit back and enjoy this last episode.

All the best, Roger W.

PS...Note that we now have buttons at the bottom of the posting that allow you to email or otherwise share this posting with others. I invite you to spread the word!

Focus and Flow...

Although I am no expert on jazz, there are times when I enjoy the improvizational style of a quartet. It's fun to hear the well-played music and try to pick out a meolody from the notes. Some of the best ones sound as if the music that springs from the group had been written down long ago, even though the players are entirely making it all up as they go along.

It takes incredible focus for this to happen well. Each member has to be trully and deeply concentrating on the music that the others are playing and accommodate their own style and interpretation of the music to the collective "vision" of the quartet. Few people realize how hard this can be, but I'm not one of them. Largely because I am not a musician, I marvel at how four people can come together with four different instruments and make wonderful, unwritten music. It's all about focus, for sure, but even I who might focus on the music each instrument is playing, could not re-create the beauty of it. Even many musicians can't do that.

One of the reasons there is a struggle has to do with flow. There is a certain movement within the music and the players where they become so absorbed in the playing that the outside world almost ceases to exist. They come together, start off playing as if they are acutely aware of the other muscians and the notes they are playing, but then a magnificant thing happens...each of them stops concetnrating on notes and starts playing music. There's a big difference between the two processes.

If you have ever been so completely engrossed in what you are doing such that the time passes without you being aware, or the place you may be loses its significance, or the sights, sounds, smells and touch of everything has become a part of what you are doing at the moment, then you know what I mean. We get like this when we are doing our hobby, when we are intensely listening to another person speak, when we are emotionally connected to another person or an activity that shuts out all the rest of existence. Then, we are in the flow.

I have always been intrigued by something that is attirbuted to Einstein when he explained his theory of general relativity to a layman: Relativity is the difference between putting your hand on a hot stove for a second and it seems like an hour, and being with your girlfriend for an hour and it seems like a second. That's flow. We become so engrossed in the here and now-ness of an experience that we move with it all effortlessly. Just like a jazz quartet.

It is hard to get into the flow of life. Especially hard to get into and remain inside the flow of recovery in the early phases. One becomes so consumed with the details, the technique and the self-consciousness of what to do in recovery that they only play the notes ("talk the talk") and not the music ("walk the walk"). The 12 Step programs have a solution for that: It's called surrender. When I give myself up to the world - the good and the bad, the highs and the lows - I am surrending to the will of my Higher Power in my universe and this brings me almost immediately into flow. Today, there are times, when I am so engrossed in recovery that I not only don't think of using, but I move effortlessly through people, places, things, and situations with a focus and flow I thought I could never achieve.

Today, I play fewer notes of recovery and more of the music.

All the best, Roger W.

Bill W Film #7...

Hi Folks...I'm now back from Ely MN now and working on the blog.

Here's another clip from the Bill W. film. Each time I see this I marvel at the fact that here we have, in his own words and images, the founder of the most successful alcoholism recovery method in the world talking about the first few days he got clean and sober. To me it's remarkable. It's like watching and hearing Jesus, Buddha, Yahweh, or Mohammed on film describing the religious foundations of their beliefs. Yes, it is THAT important to those of us in recovery to see and hear Bill W. talk about the creation of the AA program.

In this five minute clip, Bill speaks about the foundations of the AA program that lies with Dr. Carl Jung and his experiences with an alcoholic named Rowland - whose alcoholism therapy pointed the way toward the need for a spiritual transformation according to Jung. He also talks about his friend Ebby who came to visit him one day and how it changed his life, Dr. Silkworth who first wrote about the disease of addiction, and his wife Lois who talks about her own expriences with Bill and her recovery from co-dependency on his disease.

So, kick back and watch another segment of the facinating story about the founding of AA.

All the best, Roger W.

The power of a sunset, revisited

Yes, there's nothing quite like an Ely sunset. And, when you're sharing one with your best fishing buddy, Sam, it's even better.

Just kickin' back with a little fishin', readin', and computerin'!

All the best, Roger W.

The power of a sunset...

I am now way up north near the Canadian border in a small town called Ely MN. You may have heard of Ely, for it was just voted the best little town in America to live and raise a family. Thanks to the generosity of my friends George and Mary Kay, I have been coming to Ely for the past several years and enjoy one of the truly best parts of being here...a richly warm and glowing sunset over White Iron Lake.

Each time I sit on the dock and watch this sunset I am reminded about how small we really are here on planet Earth. This is not a melancholy awareness of how infantisimal we are, but rather, an acute awareness of just how much universe there really is out there, and a real clear reminder of my place within it. Just when I think that my problems are collosal and that there is a near-catastrophe in everything that happens to me that I don't like, I see this sunset in my mind and get grounded very fast.

There are an estimated 100 billion stars in our universe spread out over 100 billion light years of distance, and scientists are just now getting a good handle on how these stars are formed on the frontier of that universe. They are able to "see" these stars form and quickly die and measure the radiation that emanates from the star's death. When I look out over the lake at the setting of our sun - a moderately sized star that is about half way through its life - I can't help but think of the certainty that there is some other galaxy out there that holds within it the same kind of conditions on planets similar to our own. In other words, I see in our star's setting over the horizon the glimmer of reality that someone, somewhere is watching their own star set over their horizon. With this awareness I find a kinship with creatures that may be very much like we humans who exist in their world very much the way I exist in mine - one of 6 billion people spinning through the heavens.

Of course, only a few years ago - really a blink in the scheme of things - I was ripping and running my way through the lives of other people in this world and could never appreciate the value of a setting sun. Sure, when you smoke certain drugs you get that "insight" that only seems to come from the altered consciousness the drugs induce in you. But, a sunset points out very nicely how that fraudulent insight was nothing compared to the insight about our life on Earth that can come from watching a sunset clean and sober. This experience today is so much more vibrant and real, so much more meaningful than any that can be generated by alcohol and other drugs. Today I am able to see myself as a part of some greater whole, some greater and ever-expanding entity that exists in our universe that can provide peace of mind. Some people call that Higher Power, and others call it God that is touched when you experience these things this way. Regardless what it is called, to be able to experience this means that I will not be tearing through other people's lives today like a tornado through a trailer park. No, instead, I will be peacefully sharing my thoughts and feelings about cosmic events that bind me with others who are also riding this planet.

No...my problems don't amount to much more than a hill of beans as Bogart told Bergman before she boarded that plane. Put into its proper place, my world gets to glow like that sun setting over the hills. Some people have called that serenity. And, so would I.

All the best, Roger W.

Pleasure Unwoven...

I'm not one to say, "I've seen it all", because I believe there is so much to learn out in this world that a person can hardly keep up with basic information about personal and professional subjects. However, I have seen a lot when it comes to the field of addictions, and I'm not often surprised by what I read or watch.

Recently something new did show up on the radar, and I was very surprised. It's a video that was produced by Dr. Kevin McCauley at the Institute for Addiction Study in Utah called, "Pleasure Unwoven" (you can find a copy at the Institute's webs site, http://www.pleasureunwoven.com/). I've attached a short segment of the video below just to give you a taste, but I pass the information along on where to get the video because I feel it is the most carefully prepared and easily understood explanation of what it means to be addicted to drugs that I have ever seen.

I believe it's true that more than 8 out of 10 people are touched by addiction. Either it is themselves who are addicted to people, places, things, or situations, or it is someone they know who is. In that case, it is really imperative that almost everyone come to know what is meant when professionals say that someone is addicted. Many of my friends and associates are confused about this matter. Given how some people who are addicted behave - with their selfish craving, lying, cheating and stealing to get their drugs, and near-brutal abuse of those around them - it is no wonder that even the most enlightened person will sometimes say, "Don't they know what is happening to them? Why don't they just stop?" Somehow, many people find that it is all well and good that modern science understands addictions to be a physical problem, but these same people cannot shake the fact that it still appears to be a moral failing in people who are addicted. Most often that's because many people believe that if we just look at addiction the way we look at other diseases, like diabetes or heart disease, then we will somehow be endorsing that addict's behavior and letting them off the hook.

Addiction is a disease. As Dr. McCauley says, "Addiction is a disease of choice", and it affects the most important organ in the human body...the brain. Addiction is a brain disease. "Pleasure Unwoven" is a fantastic look at that disease and how it can happen in a person, the natural course of the disease, and the usually fatal outcome. He does this in a wonderful way: He takes us for a tour of the magnificent Utah countryside and uses the natural wonder of it all as one giant prop to help explain how addiction works in the human brain. Clever, but also powerful. I have never seen it so simply and precisely explained before, and the video will - if you know a lot or very little about the disease - clarify everything.

If you are someone who knows someone with the disease of addiction, then you will want to watch this video. It will give you a picture of what you are dealing with when you interact with the brain of someone addicted to drugs, or behaviors, and it may be the most simple and effective way you will be able to know what to do when you are confronted by that addicted person.

All the best, Roger W.

Dissertation update...

Many of you have asked me about the progress I'm making on my Ph.D. dissertation, so I thought it might be a good idea to explain where I am in this long, drawn out process.

My dissertation is entitled, "The Lived Experience of an Enduring Spiritual Transformation in the Everyday Lives of Alcoholic Men in Recovery". I'm going to study how 8-10 men who have been clean and sober for at least 5 years describe what it is like to live everyday with the effects of what was a spiritual transformation they have experienced at some point in their lives. It's a well-known fact - and certainly something that AA strongly emphasizes - that in order to remain clean and sober for any length of time, people need to have some form of fundamental change take place in their lives. Very often, this takes the form of some spiritual change...a visceral movement from the state of having little to no spirituality in daily life to having power that comes from a non-material source in a person's world. It is the movement from dark night of addiction to the light of recovery. It's this phenomenon that I will study.


Right now, I am preparing for the research itself. This takes the form of jumping through a number of hoops that the university makes me go through in order to do good research and have valuable results. I am working on the basic outline of the project right now with all the considerations from the purpose of the study through definitions of terms and ethical considerations. In a month or so I will start writing the actual proposal to the university that has to be approved by the Dean. They have already approved of the topic, but this proposal will review the entire scope of the research and receive their sign of approval. Later on it will be necessary to go through yet another phase where I need to get the approval of the Institutional Review Board, an organization of professors who try to ensure that no one is physically or psychologically injured as a result of the study and that all ethical guidelines have been met. Finally, sometime in the Fall or Winter, I need to get my committee of three professors to OK the work. THEN...I am ready to start the actual work of researching with participants. The final results ought to be available in the Summer of 2011. The dissertation itself will be written for several months. Then I need to defend the project with my committee who will finally sign off on it sometime before 2012.

Certainly it is a lot of work. But, I reason that I am into this whole thing so far right now that I couldn't drop it even if I wanted to. Besides, to me, this is fun! My friend George can't believe that anyone would be stupid enough to put up with this kind of schedule, and generally thinks I am out of my mind. Fact is, I know I'm out of my mind for all this, but I like being there and will put up with all these academic types telling me what to do and how to do it. After all, I want to get into their organization, called "Club Ph.D.", and they are not going to make it easy for me to get there, so I need to do the work.

"Keep your eyes on the prize" was the old civil rights slogan, and it certainly applies to a project as immense as this Ph.D. After all, there was a time in my life when I couldn't see myself fulfilling this kind of dream, so I am grateful for the chance to even be doing it. Compared to the Ph.D., the rest of my work life has been merely preparation for this degree...a tiny boat to keep me afloat. THIS project is my new, super-duper, ocean-going, brand-spanking-new cruise ship. And, I love it!

All the best, Roger W.

Bill W Film #6...

It's time for another segment of the film Bill W. made shortly before his death about his story of recovery from active alcoholism. While Bill is often seen as a pompous and grandiose man who is often given to flowery language and an indirect style, we must keep in mind that this was a man raised at the turn of the last century in a classic New England town. Until he went to Europe in World War I, Bill had not been outside his native Vermont, and his narrow view of normal life was colored by the clipped speech and quirky mannerisms some old New Englanders had. So, by the time this film was made in the mid-20th century, Bill's character was deeply ingrained with not only a high degree of formality, but also some of the weariness that accompanies having survived near-death experiences several times in his life.

In this 6-minute clip, Bill talks about how Dr. Bob prepared for the last day he performed a surgery with the withdrawals stemming from a real alcohol-induced bender. He concludes it by talking about how he and Dr. Bob carried that first message of the hope for recovery to an alcoholic in a hospital bed, and how that man reacted to the two men whom he said, "Really know the score".

So, sit back and enjoy!

All the best, Roger W.

Back to Business...

Now that some of my family have left for home, it's time to get back to the basic routines and business of my life.

Activities of daily living can be boring at times. The rising, showering, shaving, and brushing the beard every morning can get old unless I remember that there was a time when I wouldn't do these things because of a deep depression. For quite a while during my drinking and drugging heyday I managed to keep things together. In fact, I seemed to always have work and needed to function in my daily life, so I tried to look good and take care of myself. But then, around the end, it became obvious I didn't care any more and gave up on taking care of myself. Oddly enough, when I got clean, psychological functioning didn't get better at first: In fact, I slumped even more into depression at the beginning of recovery and let myself go completely at times. I think of those days today when I am getting ready for work, grateful for having the chance to take care of myself and certainly grateful for having a job to go to that encourages me to do that.

Today's reading in NA's Just for Today reaffirms this. In "Old Dreams Needn't Die", the reading talks about how our dreams were dashed when we were using because we pursued pleasure at all cost and put our futures on hold. Recovery gives us the daily chance to renew our dreams. We find that "our lost dreams can still come true" when we practice recovering principles in our daily life, and we discover things about ourselves that we may not have known or appreciated. In my case, even coming late in recovery, I discovered the happiness that studying brought me and how pursuing my PhD gives me hope for a bright future. This is remarkable stuff indeed given how I squandered so much time ripping and running through my addicted lifestyle.

So, today, it's back to basics. It's renewing myself each day through activities of daily living that show the pride I have in myself and the constant pursuit of dreams that spur me on. This is all brought to me through the miracle of recovery in NA, my daily reprieve from the horrors of addiction. So long as I follow that way I have nothing to fear.

All the best, Roger W.

Joyous day...

What a wonderful day this is. Rebecca, Jay, Jack (my daughter, so-in-law and first grandson)and my Mom came to visit me today. The first time my family has come out to the mid-West to spend time with me. Couldn't wait! This is a proud Grandfather's keepsake photo of Jack taken by his Mom shortly before the flight took off...looks like he'll be flying the plan soon.

I ran around getting the apartment organized and shopped for some food for them (I'm on the NutriSystem diet and have my own goodie boxes to eat). Just trying to make their stay comfortable. What a comfort to know Jay, an EMT, is on the trip with my Mom, who is a spry 85 and a real adventurer. He can take care of her in ways others couldn't. And, to have daughter Becca here with Jack is a real treat. It's the first time I will have seen him since he was born and I'm dying to wrap my arms around him. I already bought him his first Pooh Bear and a real nice Xylophone (to make sure there's plenty of noise in the apartment all the time). So there's lots of anticipation.

And, to think that all of this is possible because I am clean and sober today! Were it not for the program of recovery I have practiced for years now, I doubt Becca would be in my life and certainly I would never see Jack. And, my Mom would undoubtedly be heart broken by my continued use or death due to using. I'm grateful to Narcotics Anonymous and all my friends in the fellowship that help me stay clean.

So, this is a special day indeed for me, and we're lookin' to have some good ole fun for the next few days.

All the best, Roger W.

Bill W Film #5...

There are many rumors about Bill W.'s life. I won't mention them to avoid repeating the gossip here. But, there are a number of sites on the internet that are trumpeting these rumors or running information about his life that is unflattering in an attempt to discredit him and the AA program. I don't know why these people are doing this except, perhaps, because they are in denial about their own problems and this is a way to fortify themselves against the truth. Or, perhaps it's just the propensity for malicious gossip all people are tempted by that is the attraction. Nevertheless, seeing people run down Bill W. or the AA program can be painful to watch.

This is why this film I have been presenting here on The Happy Hour is so important to watch. Bill presents himself here with all his character defects, and literally throws open his life of near-death and insanity coupled with the miracle of recovery so people can see and hear first hand what it was like and how he changed. Sure, he's a bit pompous here, and he uses flowery language, but the essential message is one of recovery and how that was accomplished in one man's life. One cannot escape the idea that here is a film where the founder of the most successful, formal program of recovery for alcoholics in history is presenting the story of how it started. That is every bit as important as if Caesar had been caught on film describing the conquest of the world, Jesus had been filmed during the sermon on the mount, or Buddha was interviewed on CNN as he traveled throughout Asia. Lest you think I am exaggerating, keep in mind that this is one of the most difficult of all diseases to understand and treat, and conservative estimates of the number of people world wide who have stopped drinking due to the influence of the AA program is in the tens of millions.

So, sit back and relax as Bill takes us further along the journey of his recovery and the beginning of the AA program. This segment begins with his description of pacing in a hotel lobby in Akron OH on that fateful day when he could have either turned to the telephone to call for help or turned to the bar and relapsed. It concludes with Dr. Bob and his wife walking through the door on their first meeting to sit and talk about a process that would change the world.

All the best, Roger W.

Pride in NA...

Over the past weekend, I had the chance to participate in a magnificent project for Narcotics Anonymous here in St Paul MN. I am the Chair of the Hospitals & Institutions Subcommittee (affectionately just known as H&I) of the local area NA group that brings meetings into facilities where recovering addicts cannot get out and go to regular NA meetings. We held a Learning Day last weekend and it blew my socks off!

More than 100 recovering addicts from the Twin Cities area took part in the process of learning ways and means to bring a message of recovery to addicts in hospitals and other institutions, like detox facilities or jails. Now this may not seem like a huge number to some folks outside the NA community, but it was the largest turnout for a Learning Day I have seen in more than 22 years of participating in H&I events like this. We in NA are notorious for not showing up for meetings despite the fact that virtually every NA member is involved with some form of service work to help fellow addicts. Morevoer, it wasn't as if these people who attended sat on their hands during the session. They were all deeply involved in the panel presentations, sharing that some addicts provided about experience, strength and hope found through H&I work, and small group discussions. At one point I got all misty eyed when watching recovering people work together to teach one another how to carry an effective message of recovery to the still-suffering addict.

Before 1953 addicts interested in recovery literally could not publicly gather together in halls and rooms because many of them had done things while using that attracted the authorities' attention. If they all came together for a public and well-known meeting, they exposed themselves to possible arrest. Then, in 1953 things started to change. Jimmy K started public meetings in Southern California that challenged the notion addicts could not be public about their recovery and their past. It was a miraculous and wonderful day when that first meeting took place among a handful of addicts in recovery.

I remembered that as I looked out on the sea of smiling faces at the Learning Day. Here we were, 100 addicts meeting in a well-publicized, public gathering to work on recovery. We were not under surveillance and threat. We were enjoying recovery and planning for the future. We, were NA.

All the best, Roger

Bill W Film #4...

I finally found the 4th installment of the film Bill W and Lois made about his experience, strength and hope for recovery. It took a while, but, thanks to You Tube, we have it and are offering it to you here, on The Happy Hour.

The importance of this film cannot be over emphasized. Bill certainly had a way with words and some of the written wording and phrasing in the "Big Book" and the "12 and 12" is sometimes a little flowery and overly developed. That was just his way as the character defects of grandiosity and pomposity appear to creep into his writing every now and again. As a fellow New Englander, however, I recognize in his language a matter-of-fact and clipped way of presenting ideas that is relatively free of emotion and uncluttered by intellectual jargon. This film shows his true nature as a man who struggled mightily with addiction and had a colorful lifestyle to back it up. It also puts some flesh on the bare bones of the written legacy he left us. Here he gives us a picture of himself the way he truly was.

So, sit back and enjoy the latest in Bill's story of how it came to be that he discovered the power of one alcoholic helping another.

All the best, Roger W.

Ramblings of my mind...

* Had to take a break from the blog in order to file some classroom work for my dissertation. Finding the administrative things I have to do for this study are boring and time consuming. It seems everyone on the planet has to review and approve of my dissertation. But, I'm sticking with it.

* There's a relatively new book out that may interest some folks... Fingerprints of God: The Search for the Science of Spirituality It has to do with the biological facts about spirituality and experiences that we might categorize as mysterious that we have actual scientific evidence exists as naturally hard-wired circuitry in our brains. This kind of argument - that we are pre-disposed to be spiritual or even religious - has been around for a while, but this book gives some up-to-date evidence for the claim. It also talks about some people with amazingly powerful spiritual capacities. No necessarily reading for the beach, but it may give some useful perspective to your own spiritual journey.

* We who volunteer for Narcotics Anonymous's Hospital & Institutions work -sort of the local speaker's bureau for NA - are continuously amazed by how few recovering people actually give back to the recovering community the freely given hope they found to be able to stay clean and sober. H&I work is not for everyone, for sure. Some folks are just plain uncomfortable speaking before even a few fellow addicts who are suffering with the effects of the disease of addiction. But, many of us are astounded by how few seem to be really involved with carrying a message of hope for recovery to addicts still suffering.

* Another issue that amazes me in my work as an alcohol and drug counselor is how tenaciously some people hang onto character defects that are keeping them sick and thwarting their recovery. We sometimes want to not let go of the familiar ways of coping with stress of living. Moreover, these techniques we use to defend against pain are sometimes the very things that kept us alive. So it's no wonder that people in reocvery need to have a program that allows them the opportunity to have these defects removed. We recommend Steps 6 and 7 for the remedy:

Step 6 - We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Step 7 - Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.

These two steps are down the line a bit and newly recovering people ought not concern themselves with these for a while. But they are powerful weapons against drifting back to those dysfunctional attutides and behaviors that kept us in trouble for so long. When we have these defects reoved from our daily lives, we find that the things they were designed to protect us from also disappear...faith replaces fear, courage replaces cowardice, hope replaces despair, and honesty replaces lying.

All the best, Roger

The Foundation Principles of the Steps...

Somewhere in my ramblings through the literature on Alcoholics Anonymous I once ran across a Letter to the Editor of the AA Grapevine magazine from Bill W. He was answering a question a man had raised that has been on the minds of many people who are new to the program: "You say that I am to 'practice these principles in all my affairs', but exactly what are the principles I am supposed to practice?"

Bill responded very directly by listing out what he said were the foundational principles that he and others used to create the 12 Step Program::

Step One - Honesty
Step Two - Hope
Step Three - Faith
Step Four - Courage
Step Five - Integrity
Step Six - Willingness
Step Seven - Humility
Step Eight - Love
Step Nine - Perseverance
Step Ten - Discipline
Step Eleven - The Presence of God
Step Twelve - Service

When I first stumbled onto this, I marveled at the simplicity of the AA program. However, I also wondered why each of these specific principles was used as the guiding force for each step. Then it suddenly struck me like lightening about how this program was assembled, and my life hasn't been the same since.

When I used to get my drugs, it was clear that I had to give some dealer or bartender money for the drugs. That process I understood real well...it was a business deal: I give you what you want, you give me what I want. It wasn't until I did the Step Four inventory of my life that I realized that I had given up much more than just money in the transaction. In fact, each time I got my drugs, I gave the drug connection the principles that made my life worth living. I gave the dealer or bartender my honesty, hope, faith, integrity, self-respect, dignity and a host of other principles that I thought I lived by. In truth, the deal stripped me of all value in my life and left me a hollow shell of a man without any of the principles that made my life worthwhile.

The founders of AA who huddled around kitchen tables in Akron Ohio 70 years ago had the same experience I had... they traded the values in their lives for alcohol and other drugs. So, when they sat down to create the program, I think they asked themselves very simply, "Exactly what is it that I have to recover in my life in order to stop drinking?" The answer, was simple: Principles. They recognized that they needed to recover their lost principles if they were to have any hope of stopping the whirlpool spiral of their lives that was killing them all. So, I think Bill and the others first sat down and listed out what were those lost principles, rank ordered them according to which they thought they first needed to recover, and then created the method in each step that would lead to recovering that principle.

We often say that these people were inspired and there is no better example of this than the idea of restoring principles worked. First they got honest, and from that they found a new source of hope, and made a decision to practice faith in that power source. From those few simple steps and principles, they report to us decades later that they were able to build other principles back into their lives. Having a life that had been restored because these principles returned meant that there was no need to use alcohol or other drugs. And, from these first few principles sprang an entire life of renewed values that became a part of what we call recovery.

This realization had a profound effect on my life. It wasn't long after I stopped using before I was challenged to "place principles before personalities" as the program says. For various reasons involving work and family, I had decisions to make as to whether I was going to have principles in my life or whether I was going to exchange those principles for the quick fix of power, security, money, or alcohol and other drugs. It is a miracle that I chose the right thing because in the beginning I was only armed with honesty, hope and faith and had little else in my life. But, from those few, literally dozens of other values and principles have flowed into my life. I am eternally grateful to those men and women who started this program and who have taught me a new way to live.

All the best, Roger W.

Bill W's Film #3...

It's with a great deal of pleasure that The Happy Hour bring you the next installment of Bill W.'s personal story of recovery in his own voice on video. This series is no hard to find on the internet, but having it be a part of our discourse here is very special. I think it solidifes the ideas behind what The Happy Hour is trying to present - a place where you can find worthwhile information about recovery from addictive disease and share in the joys of recovery.

So sit back and relax and pick up the story where Bill is talking about having met with his friend Ebby and discusses his friend Rowland's recovery with Dr. Jung.

All the best, Roger W.

Relationships are the key...

Studies show that if a recovering addict does absolutely nothing after s/he has been to treatment, no meetings, no spsonsor, no step work, no spiritual practice, no involvement with others in a healthy way, etc., then the chances of them staying clean for a year after treatment are very poor. We are talking about 2-3% of the group will stay clean and sober. That is a very, very small percentage of people of get well after treatment. This is cause for concern.

The same studies show that if a recovering person does one simple thing after treatment, their chances of recovery at the one year mark go up dramatically: About half of the people finishing a treatment program will stay clean and sober for a year or more. That one thing is to make a bond with at least one other person whom you know well, and knows you, and wants to help you in your recovery. Simple and easy to understand. But, for some remarkable reason, few addicts and alcoholics take this step.

Now, among the many things that makes the 12 Step program a product of the genius of Bill W. and Dr. Bob, the one thing that fits well with these modern concepts is their insistence on a recovering person having a sponsor. Sponsors are people who know you, and you know them, and they want to help you with your recovery. Sponsorship is the very thing that can improve the chances of staying clean and sober from 3 people out of a hundred to 50 people out of a hundred. I don't know about anyone else, but I would rather be among the group of 50 than the group of 3.

Sponsorship is all about relationship. Addicts and alcoholics are notorious for having poor relationships. After all, a career of drinking and drugging needs lying, deceit, manipulation, self-centeredness, and grandiosity as tools to get what the addict or alcoholic wants...the ability to use and protect the supply. Add to these overt behaviors the fact that most addicts and alcoholics have very poor boundaries, co-occurring mental health issues, and personal histories that are usually full of abuse and neglect and it is easy to see why building relationships is so hard to do. In fact it is generally true that the only real relationships addicts and alcoholics have are built on resentments - anger about some event from the past - that keeps a person tethered to another person based on the sickness of dislike and sometimes hatred of the other.

This condition cannot hold if a person is to live life happy, joyous and free. We must reach out to others and make healthy bonds with them that are fostered either through the needs of recovery or the desire to help another person. We need to go up to someone at a meeting and tell them how much we admire what they have shared in the meeting, asking them to be our temporary sponsor so a connection can be forged. And, we need to let go of the past so we can rejoin with our families and friends who have long supported us, even when we did not know they truly cared about our lives.

To be part of the larger percentage of people who make it past a year clean and sober, we are going to need to constantly reach beyond our comfort zone and find someone to bond with. Doing that is like vaccinating someone against the horrors of relapse. Such relationships made a big difference in my early recovery and continue to fortify me today.

All the best, Roger W.

How to cope with anger...

Deepak Chopra reputedly said "Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future." These are very wise words for recovering people who can get trapped by old ways to handle familiar problems.

Just the other day I was talking to one of my patients about anger and how it can be measured on a scale from 0 to 10 where 0 is having no emotion of anger and 10 is the absolute, out of control behavior of rage. At the moment he placed himself at a 7 and said he was there most days. I told him it is no wonder that he so easily flips tables, pounds walls and physically attacks people given that he has very little room to experience and express the emotion of anger in his life...all he really does is express the behavior of rage. He said he understood and we worked on ways to lower his anger on the scale. He said he understood how to do that as he reported he had moved down to a 4 during our talk.

Within 30 minutes, this young man had a fellow patient in a headlock and was thrashing him about the room because he was reacting to that peer's comment about his ethnic heritage. A seemingly innocuous comment from someone threw him into a rage, and he reported he could not remember what he had done, but quickly justified his behaviors as necessary to "protect myself". Unfortunately, this young man was soon discharged from the treatment center and had to go back to the family that had taught him how to be so enraged.

I learned from this episode. We know that we are a species that has built-in sensors for when we think we are in danger and need to either fight it out or run like hell. This mechanism is a reflexive self-preservation response. I wondered for a long time why, since everyone has this capacity within our brains, all people do not turn to rage when provoked by some stimulation that looks to be life-threatening. After all, the world may not be necessarily a safe place these days, but few people defend themselves with all-out violence in order to protect themselves. I've concluded that what keeps most people in check about this is judgment...the capacity to make fine distinctions among events in their lives to decide what and how they will respond to people, places, things and situations that threaten them. This judgment is a thinking process. With it we are able to discern true danger from meaningless annoyance. Without it, we are subject to the unpredictable results of powerful chemicals coursing through our brains that are designed to save our lives. That young man gave himself permission (through his flawed judgment process long before this "attack" came) that it was alright for him to use rage to protect himself from the slightest aggravation. In other words, he had always reacted that way before so it was OK to react that way now: He was trapped like a prisoner in the past.

The AA Big Book teaches us that we cannot afford the luxury of a resentment, which is anger about the past that rules our present, much less rage. Addicts and alcoholics use resentment to fuel their use of drugs. "After all", we say, "if you had the problems I have, you'd drink too." We have a tendency to use old tools to fix new problems. We have a need to be on top and superior to those around us so we look 100% good, 100% of the time. And, when we fail at handling problems successfully, we lapse into a self-pity that justifies getting high to cope with the humiliation, shame and self-loathing. What a mess.

The fix for this is very simple, and I have written about this is an earlier posting here on February 15, 2010. When I accept life on life's terms as being exactly the way it ought to be at this moment, I obtain a serenity that allows me to suffer through what used to cause me to act out in rage. No longer do I see threats around every corner or in every person who slights me. No longer do I feel the need to protect my very life from the tiny wounds that life is able to inflict on any person today. And, no longer am I trapped in the past with old, worn-out ways of dealing with problems. Today, I've learned how to live as a pioneer in the future instead of a prisoner of the past. That is why I reach out to people and ask for help in dealing with many of life's problems. That is why I remain open to new solutions. That is why I am very unlikely today to just have simple insight into problems without the accompanying judgment to use the information I have been given. I feel better knowing that I have this capacity for it allows me to express the emotion of anger through my words rather than the behavior of rage through my fists. I am very grateful for this today.

All the best, Roger W.

Bill W Film #2...

I have the pleasure today of presenting the second installment of the film on Bill W. and his wife Lois that was made a few years before his death. In this segment, Bill starts off by recounting what it was like to be with his old friend Ebby who had stopped drinking and found a new way of life. Since Bill was still getting drunk regularly at this point in his story, Bill was taken back by what his friend had to say, and the old signs of denial can be heard and felt in Bill's voice in this film.

I think it's terrific that we have the technological advantages today that make it possible for us to see, through the magic of the internet, a film like this that means so much to recovering people. Have fun as we continue the saga here and look forward to more episodes in the future.

Bill's Story 02



More Videos & Games at Microsoft


All the best, Roger W.

Stress...

I felt an unusual amount of stress at work yesterday. I was the acting supervisor of my unit in a treatment program for young men who are addicted to drugs, and the added burden of having to do my job and someone else's job was almost too much for me. It happened to be a particularly difficult day with these patients and the amount of work was exponentially higher than had I been working with just my own patients.

At the risk of sounding like I'm whining here, I want to assure readers that I am not complaining about the work itself, or the patients. Rather, I'm commenting on the stress. Stress can be very diffiult to deal with and we know that it is a silent killer. It raises blood pressure, levels of a dangerous stress hormone called cortisol, and contributes to what used to be called a nervous breakdown. For me, the definition of stress is "change" - either for the good or the bad - that comes into daily life. Whenever things change, there is stress. Good examples of this can be seen in the old "stress scale" that lists out various life events, from most stress as in "Death of a child or spouse" to least stress "Picking clothes to wear". When you check off all those you have experienced within the past 6 months, you get a total score that indicates the level of stress you have. I consistently score in the upper 25% on the stress scale.

I think one of the reasons for this is what I do for work. But, I truly believe that the major cause of this stress is that I am a recovering addict. Addicts and alcoholics hate change of any kind. As human beings we usually want to know what is going to happen next, but addicts take this to a whole new level. We not only want to know, we want to control the outcome to ensure it goes a certain way. We manipulate and arrange people, places, things, or situations to what we think is our advantage. While it is common to all of us that we do it, for addicts it is dangerous because when these plans fall through (as is most often the case) we tend to use drugs to compensate for the disappointment. We drink or take drugs to combat the stress that comes from not being so powerful that we can change life's events, and the higher on the scale these events are, the more we use.

There is a wonderful little book, "Who Moved My Cheeze", that I would recommend to anyone who is experiencing stress...particularly addicts. In this wonderful, inspiring allegory, the author describes what happens to the characters (ultimately us) when subjected to change. All recovering people ought to read this book largely because it shows there is a way out of the wilderness of stress. I re-read that book last night and immediately felt more relaxed. I recognized that rather than feeling as if I were the victim of stress, I was actually empowered to do something about it and manage to not only avoid the stressors itself, but also avoid the consequences of stress on my heart and my mind. We all have the power to redirect our energy based on reframing our view of a situation so that we find the possibilities for mastering change instead of succumbing to it. It's just a matter of getting out of our own way and allowing ourselves to move on. This fact is comforting.

So today, as I begin a new work day, I feel less stress already and more capacity to deal with whatever comes into my life. As I seem to say a lot in this journal...as long as I follow that way I have nothing to fear.

All the best, Roger W.

Happiness...

Even with an income of $100 million a year, it is doubtful Tiger Woods is happy. And, he seems to know it. Long before he made headlines with his scandal, Tiger's demeanor and look were of a man who was having little fun or happiness in life. His life is contrasted with the man I know who takes care of kids in a drug treatment center on the overnight shift, whose smile, ease of manner and firm handshake signal true happiness with what he does and who he is.

Happiness is a focus on the journey in life, not the destination. It is a concentration on having a mission, a purpose and valuing that. It is being loved, and knowing it. One can be isolated and physically hurting and, yet, still be happy. I think of the hermit like Thomas Merton who was ecstatically happy in his solitude even though in pain toward the end of life. And, I think of those I know who are mentally hurting but, nonetheless, maintain an ease and pleasantness about them. I think of a man with schizophrenia in Boston who hands out flowers daily at a train station with a smile and exuberance few can match.

The most salient characteristic of this kind of person seems to be their total immersion in the flow of life around them. They lose track of time. They seal out distractions. The are usually prodigeous achievers whether it be producing formulas about physics (Steven Hawking) or baking cookies (my friend Mary Kay). These are people who are difficult to interupt in their flow, but even turn cheerful when this is done, seeing the new person in their life's moment as just another benefit of doing what they do.

Recovery can produce such happiness. Once mired in the throes of addiction where the using itself eventually produced no happiness and only misery, many addicts find relief from this dreariness through abstinence and recovery. At first, there is the pain of having stopped the insanity of addictive behavior, and, when this stops, it can produce a form of happiness the 12 Step programs call the "pink cloud" stage. Everything seems possible in the brightness of the pasture once you emerge from the darkness of the woods. And, after a while, the true forms of happiness begin to show up in a delight with the process of recovery on a daily basis. Many people take pleasure in the rituals of recovery - readings, prayer, meditation, meetings - and, still others find joy in taking stock every day of where they are and what they stand for. Still more look forward to the benefits of sobriety along the way that are wirtten about in the AA Big Book on pages 83-84 in a paragraph called "The Promises". Whatever the process, people in recovery generally revel in the joy of living clean and serene, in the present moment, one day at a time.

So, I welcome Tiger and all the others who may be searching for true happiness to invest themselves in a program of recovery from their problems or addictions. I only ask that they remain open-minded, honest and willing and, armed with these attributes, they are sure to find happiness in life's journey.

All the best, Roger W.

Emotions...

In one of my meditations books, Day by Day - Second Edition: Daily Meditations For Recovering Addicts, I read about emotions and how they can be regulated. I noticed that they essentially said that I am responsible for having the emotions I have and that I can change the emotions nearly at will. This may come as a strange surprise to many people because the more popular notion is that you cannot change your emotions no more than you can change the color of your eyes.

Yet, it is true that our emotions are generated by our thoughts and what we literally think about a person, place, thing, or situation determines the emotion that we experience. Those who dispute this usually point to the emotion of fear and say, "See, there's an emotion that is not dependent on thinking for I am just naturally scared when something frightens me." The trouble with this thought is that the same person, place, thing, or situation may not effect two people the same way, i.e., one may become frightened and another exhilarated by the same event. A thunderstorm is a good example of this: One of us is scared by the sound and fury, and another of us is so happy with it we grab a camera to photograph the lightening bolts. The difference is in the thinking: One assumes they will be struck by the lightening, another that it will never hit them. One cowers, shivering in a corner. Another throws open the doors and dashes out into the rain. It all has to do with thinking.

But, if you take some simpler and less powerful emotions than fear, one might even see the point more clearly. If you believe that the world is a hostile place, where people will humiliate you at the drop of a hat, where embarrassment is everywhere, where you are never truly safe from danger, it is no wonder that you will develop signs of social phobia and feel emotions of uncomfortability, nervousness and fear. If you feel insecure, it is certain that you do not trust others and think they will withdraw their love. If you feel angry, it is certain that you think someone has wronged you. If you feel love, it is certain that you think the other is worthy of your love. The list could go on.

One of the things we do when we do not accept responsibility for what we think is allow ourselves to blame other people for what we feel. "YOU, make me angry", we scream, "This PLACE makes me feels uncomfortable", we moan, and "I hate the SITUATION you placed me in", we cry. Instead, it should be that I make me angry, uncomfortable and tearful because of what I think about the people, places, things and situations in my life.

It is not just the negative emotions that are caused by this process. Like the meditation book says, if we make conditions within ourselves (thinking) healthy, then we will be able to enjoy happiness and joy that will also be a part of our experience. We do this by always being alert to change our thinking so it always reflects reality. It is appropriate to be sad if someone runs over our dog, or a tree falls on our house. But, it is also appropriate to be happy to think that we will get a new dog and that we will fix our roof too. It literally is the old adage of thinking of the glass as being half empty or half full. We can choose how we regard the people, places, things, and situations in our life, and our choice determines our emotions and ultimately our behaviors.

I wrote on February 15, 2010 that I believe the "Acceptance" paragraph in the AA Big Book on page 417 is the only way to live. Because I accept life just the way it is, I recognize that I have to be willing to change me and my thinking in order to be happy and serene. To demand it be any other way is to set myself up for misery. It is so easy to avoid that. All I need to do is have faith in my Higher Power and I will be able to withstand any injustice, weather any storm, suffer any sadness, rejoice at any happiness, and find serenity.

So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.

All the best, Roger W.

New Feature...

I'm very happy to report that it will be possible to bring a very special video production to The Happy Hour in serial form during the next six weeks.

I recently found a source on the internet for a film on Bill W. that was made at his home in which he basically tells his story for the viewer. This video, which I think was made not long before his death in 1971, is hard to hear in some spots, but is a marvel to those of us in the 12 Step programs because it is a close up look at one of its founders talking about his recovery.

So, click on the feature below and sit back to enjoy Bill's story, once a week on The Happy Hour blog.

All the best, Roger W.

Saving face...

There's an old (and indelicate) adage in the rooms of recovery that says, "You can't save your face and your ass at the same time." For many of us this is a big decision, for when we used we were most often concerned with saving face, and when in recovery, saving our ass. But the need to choose still lingers.

A friend of mine came to me and talked about whether or not he ought to stay on his antidepressant medication. He said he didn't want to be "like those people who stay on medication for the rest of their lives." In effect, he was saying that he wanted to save face by not being like those he looked down upon and regarded as someone who did not fit his self concept. He did not want to accept his illness for what it is...a biologically driven problem that needed the best medicine possible to ease the pain it caused. Fortunately, the man makes the decision to stay on his medications every day so as to ease the mental pain and allow himself to come to the table of recovery to enjoy its bounty.

It is often said that we have choice now that we are clean and sober, and it's true. But, we do not have the choice whether to use or not. That is a foregone conclusion if left up to me, the addict: I will get high if you give me the choice. No, the choice is whether or not I believe (Step Two) that I have power in my life today to make the right choice to stay clean. There's a big difference. Part of that choice is whether or not I believe that I will survive life on life's terms and prevail over the problems that want to drag me down far enough that I abandon the hope that I will not use. The other part of this is whether or not I choose to have hope in daily recovery.

The whole idea behind whether or not someone like my friend takes his medication hinges on this belief that he will survive no matter what comes his way. That depression is in his life is something he needs to come to accept so he can choose to apply the proper remedy and move on, trudging to his happy destiny, as Bill W. would say. To have symptoms even when he takes his medicine is one of the confounding problems with thinking, for it makes him think that the choice to take medication is not working, so why continue. What I think he misses is how much worse he would be - and how the notion of choosing would never come to his mind - if he did not take the medication. He needs to believe that concept so he can continue to stay as healthy as possible and solve life's problems with the help of his Higher Power.

These choices can blind us to the real problem. Fundamentally I know that, as a recovering addict, I have a disease that will constantly tell me I do not have it. I will sometimes tell myself that I do not deserve this disease and that I am different that others to the extent that I cannot have in my life those positive things that make life meaningful. My thinking was bent, warped and twisted for many years and, today, what I think of as choice about problems is really the product of those years of mental turmoil. I have to guard against thinking that I have all the answers, remain humble and teachable, and constantly renew my relationship with my Higher Power so I can feel the hope for recovery every day. My Higher Power wants me to choose things that save my ass, not my face, and I need to continuously remind myself of that. I say it a lot, but, so long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.

All the best, Roger W.

New ideas...

The are some who say that the recovering person really has no need for new ideas, and that he or she gets along best with the same, old, recognized ideas they have already. For me, this could not be further from the truth.

Recovery depends on stretching beyond the known realm of my presentation to the world into the relatively unknown realm of emotions. This is really not a new idea even though some say that the notion of peeling back the outer shell of our defenses is a radical idea. Oh, many give lip service the the concept of disclosing feelings, but most people are content to live with the idea that he or she does not have to reach out to others for help, not bond with people who suffer the same problems as they do, and survive with their old defenses. For them, it is a dramatically new idea that recovery depends on emotional unity with others.

I was thinking about this the other day when it suddenly struck me how I have isolated many of my emotions in recovery. I spoke earlier in this journal of how fellowship is an imporant part of 12 Step recovery, but I fear that I have held back and not joined emotionally with my brothers and sisters in recovery as much as I should. In other words, I have not peeled back the outer shell enough for most others to see and experience. I have not expressed many different emotions to people except those that I give myself permission to express such as superficial anger or happiness. I have withheld them because I have the mistaken, old, recognized idea that people will not understand my deeper emotions or even care that I have them. There is also the lingering fear of humilitation, of having people say, "See...he's not as healthy as he appears", or "You can't go to him for guidance...he's as messed up as I am." These old ideas keep me sick and set up unnecessary pressures inside of me.

The new idea that Bill W. and Dr. Bob brought to the world of addiction was that we cannot recover alone. They proved that we need other addicts and alcoholics to help us through the problems of everyday life that are relapse warning signs, triggers or high risk situations that threaten our recovery. This is a new idea I have come to accept - on the surface - but, I sometimes don't find myself digging deeper to dislodge those critical emotions with other addicts such as loneliness, fear, dread, worry or confusion. I think this is what Bill and Bob were actually saying: We must get absolutely real with our friends in recovery and risk telling them exactly what is on our minds and in our hearts. Sharing this may not be comfortable, but it is necessary to ensure that these negative emotions lying beneath the surface of my life get expressed so I can strengthen my bonds with other addicts in recovery.

Therefore, I plan to do that very thing tonight when I speak at a meeting inside a local jail where those of us on the Narcotics Anonymous Hospitals & Institutions committee carry the message of recovery to men who cannot get out to regular NA meetings. I plan to get real with my emotions and tell them how numb I can sometimes feel, or how lonely it can be as a single person in this world, or how complacent I can become. I expect that more than one of them can relate to these feelings and, thereby, we can form a bond that is strong, enduring and precious. I know that as long as I follow the new ideas laid out for me by the principles of the NA program, I have nothing to fear.

All the best, Roger W.

Recovery Month...

Just found out that someone from the Recovery Month unit at the US Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration is following this blog. They are a great organization, so I thought I would give them a plug.

Recovery Month is an annual observance that takes place during the month of September.

The Recovery Month observance highlights the societal benefits of substance abuse treatment, lauds the contributions of treatment providers and promotes the message that recovery from substance abuse in all its forms is possible. The observance also encourages citizens to take action to help expand and improve the availability of effective substance abuse treatment for those in need. Each year a new theme, or emphasis, is selected for the observance.

Recovery Month provides a platform to celebrate people in recovery and those who serve them. Each September, thousands of treatment programs around the country celebrate their successes and share them with their neighbors, friends, and colleagues in an effort to educate the public about treatment, how it works, for whom, and why. Substance abuse treatment providers have made significant accomplishments, having transformed the lives of untold thousands of Americans. These successes often go unnoticed by the broader population; therefore, Recovery Month provides a vehicle to celebrate these successes.

Recovery Month also serves to educate the public on substance abuse as a national health crisis, that addiction is a treatable disease, and that recovery is possible. Recovery Month highlights the benefits of treatment for not only the affected individual, but for their family, friends, workplace, and society as a whole. Educating the public reduces the stigma associated with addiction and treatment. Accurate knowledge of the disease helps people to understand the importance of supporting treatment programs, those who work within the treatment field, and those in need of treatment.

Recovery Month is more than just a month-long celebration of everything about recovery from addiction. This year's theme is "Join the Voices of Recovery...Now More Than Ever". Their web site at http://www.recoverymonth.gov is the most authoritative place to find activities and events that might be scheduled in your state. For those states where is there are no scheduled events, perhaps you, your employer, or organization can sponsor one during September.

So check out The Recovery Month site and have some fun in recovery!

All the best, Roger W.