I was reading the new edition of The NA Way today and came across an article in it that was written by a fellow recovering addict from Canada. I thought I'd pass it along as a great article about how people manage to stay clean only by entering the door of recovery...the Second Step of our 12 Step program. Enjoy!
Step Two
You know those Magic Eye® puzzles found in newspapers? I could never do
them. I’d try…and never get anything. And then, one day, I noticed something
below the picture: step-by-step directions. Well, I’d never followed directions
for anything, so I guessed this was an opportunity to practice the principle of
open-mindedness that Step Two suggests. When I followed the directions, the
picture came to life right before my eyes! It was through this experience that I was
able to look at Step Two in a new way. Coming into recovery, I found that
when I put down drugs, my behavior from “out there” automatically kicked in.
If I didn’t know something, I’d just make anything up and eventually believe it to
be true. NA offers step-by-step direction on how to “stop using drugs, lose
the desire to use, and find a new way to live.” Even though I wanted it on my own
terms, I realized these “directions” might provide a solution for me.
NA teaches us that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting
different results. For me, that meant if I was going to give recovery a shot, I
needed to do something different, and that meant learning to follow directions.
The directions are clear and simple:
• Attend meetings regularly.
• Work with a sponsor.
• Do some service work.
• Work the steps.
Oddly enough, I always thought of myself as a leader. However, true leaders
know when to take and follow direction. If I was going to master recovery and serve
as a leader, I was going to need to learn how to follow, to surrender. Much like
when I learned to see the Magic Eye®, the instant I surrendered to the process,
a new dimension revealed itself. I came to believe in the program and what it had
to offer. When I surrendered the insanity of my way and started to follow this new
path, life revealed itself in a way I had never experienced before.
Anonymous, Manitoba, Canada
Reprinted with permission from the November
2010 Manitoba Area Newsline
“Reprinted with permission from NA Way Magazine, January 2011
All the best, Roger W.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Handling bad news...
I've recently been told that a close friend's wife was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. This comes as a shock, not only because she appeared to be a healthy woman, but also because my friend - who has major chronic disease - always assumed he would die before his wife would. It doesn't look like that's the plan and this comes as a big, painful surprise to everyone.
Bad news, no matter what shape it comes in, is never expected. We can train ourselves to "hope for the best, but expect the worse", but, somehow when it strikes, truly bad news is never easy to deal with. This is the way this news is for my friend and I today. He feels "this is not the way it was supposed to work out" and this sadness over the unexpected turn of events in his life causes him a great deal of grief. But, under the surface of this is an anger...a righteous anger that things ought not go the way they are going and that someone (God) is at fault for this.
Whenever I come in contact with this kind of sadness, I am reminded of the book by Rabbi Harold Kushner called When Bad Things Happen To Good People. This book, that chronicles the struggle his own family went through when their young son was diagnosed with progeria (a disease of rapid aging and premature death). Kushner could hardly stand it. He watched as his son suffered and died way before his time, and he railed against a God who would do such a thing to his small son. In fact, such an event was for Kushner - who was trained as a rabbi and became a spiritual leader for many people - something that shook his faith and forced him to question everything he had ever thought or believed about God.
I will not be ruining the book's experience for anyone here by giving away a central discovery Kushner came to that helped him through this experience. In effect, Kushner challenged the common concepts of an all-knowing and all-powerful God by suggesting that, perhaps, God is no more powerful to correct the course of life than we are. He argued that it could very well be that, once he set the world as we know it in motion, forces took over that were greater than even God's power to control or influence. Once sickness was introduced into the human system, even God could not forestall it's inevitable conclusion.
It's in times like these that I remember Kushner's words. It is somehow consoling to me to know that God is no more capable of taking away ovarian cancer from a relatively young woman than her doctors are. It is somehow satisfying to me to realize that we men and women do what we can to alleviate suffering and hardship, but that there is only so much we can do against forces that seem to live on their own. And, it is enormously comforting to feel the presence of a God who weeps alongside of me as I suffer these things.
I cannot yet tell my friend this...the wound is too raw. But, at some point I will and hopefully, God willing, he will feel the same level of comfort knowing that a very powerful entity walks with him through this pain and grief. This is what I pray for these days.
All the best, Roger W.
Bad news, no matter what shape it comes in, is never expected. We can train ourselves to "hope for the best, but expect the worse", but, somehow when it strikes, truly bad news is never easy to deal with. This is the way this news is for my friend and I today. He feels "this is not the way it was supposed to work out" and this sadness over the unexpected turn of events in his life causes him a great deal of grief. But, under the surface of this is an anger...a righteous anger that things ought not go the way they are going and that someone (God) is at fault for this.
Whenever I come in contact with this kind of sadness, I am reminded of the book by Rabbi Harold Kushner called When Bad Things Happen To Good People. This book, that chronicles the struggle his own family went through when their young son was diagnosed with progeria (a disease of rapid aging and premature death). Kushner could hardly stand it. He watched as his son suffered and died way before his time, and he railed against a God who would do such a thing to his small son. In fact, such an event was for Kushner - who was trained as a rabbi and became a spiritual leader for many people - something that shook his faith and forced him to question everything he had ever thought or believed about God.
I will not be ruining the book's experience for anyone here by giving away a central discovery Kushner came to that helped him through this experience. In effect, Kushner challenged the common concepts of an all-knowing and all-powerful God by suggesting that, perhaps, God is no more powerful to correct the course of life than we are. He argued that it could very well be that, once he set the world as we know it in motion, forces took over that were greater than even God's power to control or influence. Once sickness was introduced into the human system, even God could not forestall it's inevitable conclusion.
It's in times like these that I remember Kushner's words. It is somehow consoling to me to know that God is no more capable of taking away ovarian cancer from a relatively young woman than her doctors are. It is somehow satisfying to me to realize that we men and women do what we can to alleviate suffering and hardship, but that there is only so much we can do against forces that seem to live on their own. And, it is enormously comforting to feel the presence of a God who weeps alongside of me as I suffer these things.
I cannot yet tell my friend this...the wound is too raw. But, at some point I will and hopefully, God willing, he will feel the same level of comfort knowing that a very powerful entity walks with him through this pain and grief. This is what I pray for these days.
All the best, Roger W.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
PS on gratitude...
Well...strange things can sometimes happen.
I found out that my PSA level (that measures if I have any recurrence of cancer) has gone down since my last test three months ago. It went from 0.25 in March, to 0.24 today...not a lot of movement, but enough for the doctor to give me a big thumbs up and tell me not to worry any more about what is going on.
It's great news! With all that we have been going through since February, it is astounding news that the level are receding. The doctor attributes this to the fact I may just be a man who has a rise in PSA level for some, unknown reason, not necessarily because it is cancer. So, I'm out of the weeds it seems. We'll test it every three months just to check.
Now, my gratitude has increased even more. A cancer scare is never a good thing, but, in my case, I think it accomplished a couple of things. Foremost is that it tested my faith. Those who know me understand I am not a flamboyantly religious person, but I have developed a level of faith in the great forces of our universe that there is a guiding set of principles which - if you are in harmony with them - will guide me in the right direction. In this case, the direction was to maintain confidence that this scare was only that...a scare. To accept it as it was unfolding was difficult at times, but I did accept what was happening as it presented itself, without having a prolonged bout of sadness, regret, or anger. I was told by everyone that, if I kept the faith, all would turn out OK. And it did. Also, this episode bonded me closer to people. I felt a deep connection to my family, Twyla, George, Mary Kay, Marilyn, and Michael - my main support system. They never let me languish in self pity or dwell on the negative aspects of this problem. In fact, Twyla even said that if we concentrate real hard on positive things about this that we can drive the PSA level down...and it did! Amazing.
But, perhaps one of the most important things to come out of this is gratitude. To see the people at Mayo, with an array of devastating illnesses, walk through the experience of treatment with dignity and often good humor, was very important for me to do. It gave me perspective on my own life. It made my life more valuable to me. It chopped hard at my self-centeredness and made me grateful.
They say in Narcotics Anonymous that, "A grateful addict will never use." I am that grateful addict who has a host of friends, overall good health, a good job, great family, and a bright future. Now, what more could a guy ask for?...except perhaps to catch that hulking 20+ pound large mouth bass on fly line!
All the best, Roger W.
I found out that my PSA level (that measures if I have any recurrence of cancer) has gone down since my last test three months ago. It went from 0.25 in March, to 0.24 today...not a lot of movement, but enough for the doctor to give me a big thumbs up and tell me not to worry any more about what is going on.
It's great news! With all that we have been going through since February, it is astounding news that the level are receding. The doctor attributes this to the fact I may just be a man who has a rise in PSA level for some, unknown reason, not necessarily because it is cancer. So, I'm out of the weeds it seems. We'll test it every three months just to check.
Now, my gratitude has increased even more. A cancer scare is never a good thing, but, in my case, I think it accomplished a couple of things. Foremost is that it tested my faith. Those who know me understand I am not a flamboyantly religious person, but I have developed a level of faith in the great forces of our universe that there is a guiding set of principles which - if you are in harmony with them - will guide me in the right direction. In this case, the direction was to maintain confidence that this scare was only that...a scare. To accept it as it was unfolding was difficult at times, but I did accept what was happening as it presented itself, without having a prolonged bout of sadness, regret, or anger. I was told by everyone that, if I kept the faith, all would turn out OK. And it did. Also, this episode bonded me closer to people. I felt a deep connection to my family, Twyla, George, Mary Kay, Marilyn, and Michael - my main support system. They never let me languish in self pity or dwell on the negative aspects of this problem. In fact, Twyla even said that if we concentrate real hard on positive things about this that we can drive the PSA level down...and it did! Amazing.
But, perhaps one of the most important things to come out of this is gratitude. To see the people at Mayo, with an array of devastating illnesses, walk through the experience of treatment with dignity and often good humor, was very important for me to do. It gave me perspective on my own life. It made my life more valuable to me. It chopped hard at my self-centeredness and made me grateful.
They say in Narcotics Anonymous that, "A grateful addict will never use." I am that grateful addict who has a host of friends, overall good health, a good job, great family, and a bright future. Now, what more could a guy ask for?...except perhaps to catch that hulking 20+ pound large mouth bass on fly line!
All the best, Roger W.
Gratitude...
Sitting in the waiting room of the Mayo Clinic's urology department makes me grateful.
There's the usual assortment of people with medical problems you might find in any waiting room. But, this is not just any waiting room. It's finely appointed with comfortable furniture and high windowed walls of streaming sunlight to make waiting actually pleasurable. There's the low level chatter of the people and the occasional worker who goes arouNd gently calling out names for appointments. There's even an elderly woman who walks from chair the chair and makes you thnk she is dusting the furniture when actually she's smiling and chatting and answering questions and directing people around...a clinic hostess disguised as a gadfly.
But, despite all this stimulation, you eventually get down to the reasons people are here. Whether retirees clutching valuable medical records or businessmen frantically typing away on laptops, each person here is waiting for the latest news about an illness so severe that it brings them to this waiting room of the nation's most prestigious hospital. They have walkers and wheelchairs, crutches and colostomy bags. Some have anxious faces and others look strangely serene. But all of them have an air of anticipation broken only by the sudden relief of having their name called to see their doctor who will treat them.
I too have reason to be here and use my worry time to write in this blog. I look around me at the kerchiefed heads hiding the baldness of radiation treatment and the legs straightened by braces and the People in wheelchairs and give thanks to my higher power I can walk into the examining room, sit in a chair,and hear and speak to my doctor. My case, so far, is not that bad. But I am incredibly grateful for having the chance to be here among these survivors of disease in such a wonderful place.
We hope for the best, and an addendum to this entry will obviously come when the test results are known. Until then, I am thankful.
All the best, Roger W.
There's the usual assortment of people with medical problems you might find in any waiting room. But, this is not just any waiting room. It's finely appointed with comfortable furniture and high windowed walls of streaming sunlight to make waiting actually pleasurable. There's the low level chatter of the people and the occasional worker who goes arouNd gently calling out names for appointments. There's even an elderly woman who walks from chair the chair and makes you thnk she is dusting the furniture when actually she's smiling and chatting and answering questions and directing people around...a clinic hostess disguised as a gadfly.
But, despite all this stimulation, you eventually get down to the reasons people are here. Whether retirees clutching valuable medical records or businessmen frantically typing away on laptops, each person here is waiting for the latest news about an illness so severe that it brings them to this waiting room of the nation's most prestigious hospital. They have walkers and wheelchairs, crutches and colostomy bags. Some have anxious faces and others look strangely serene. But all of them have an air of anticipation broken only by the sudden relief of having their name called to see their doctor who will treat them.
I too have reason to be here and use my worry time to write in this blog. I look around me at the kerchiefed heads hiding the baldness of radiation treatment and the legs straightened by braces and the People in wheelchairs and give thanks to my higher power I can walk into the examining room, sit in a chair,and hear and speak to my doctor. My case, so far, is not that bad. But I am incredibly grateful for having the chance to be here among these survivors of disease in such a wonderful place.
We hope for the best, and an addendum to this entry will obviously come when the test results are known. Until then, I am thankful.
All the best, Roger W.
Monday, June 20, 2011
It's time to get back to work!
After more than nine months away from this blog, it's time to get back at it.
A lot has happened during this time, and I've debated whether or not I ought to talk about it all in this space. In every respect, I have thought of The Happy Hour as a place to talk about spirituality and growth in recovery, and not so much a place to talk about problems. But, I think the mention of them is unavoidable because, ultimately, my experience during the past several months speaks directly to the influence of spirituality in my life.
I struggled at work starting in October last year, and, right up until about three weeks ago, I wasn't certain if I would have a job at my current employer (a place that forbids me from using its name in this blog) or not. As it turns out, I did stay with that employer, albeit in a very different capacity than I was in before. Now, after months of wrangling, I've landed on my feet as an outpatient counselor in a clinic not far from my home. It's a good thing too because I needed to stay with that employer in order to ensure I had health insurance.
The health insurance problem came about because in February I found out that the cancer that I was operated on for in 2004 has reoccurred. As the doctors at the Mayo Clinic put it, I have about a quarter of a raindrop-sized collection of cancer cells in the prostate bed in my lower abdomen. We know this because the PSA count - the way in which doctors measure if cancer is growing - stands at .25 on a large scale that can extend up to 20-30. Now, that isn't altogether that bad except that it ought to be zero because I do not have a prostate that would be generating the antigens that the PSA test measures. So, .25 is a significant enough level for doctors to start worrying about it. They say that we will not have to treat the cancer until the level is between 1.0 and 2.0, so there may be a fair amount of time before something has to happen. My next test is June 29th, so more will be known at that time as to how fast this is growing.
The health insurance part was a problem because, should I have had to leave my employer anytime this past winter and spring, I would not have been insured by a new health plan because the cancer reoccurrence would be considered a pre-existing condition. Lots of worry for several months as I tried to figure out how to get a new job within the same company.
Well...it did work out. And, I'm grateful for that.
One of the things that helped me get through this mess this year was the strength that I got from a new partner. Twyla came into my life at just about the same time I got the news about the cancer. What a blessing and breath of fresh air. She is one of those people who you think you have known all your life despite the fact you may have just met her. She's warm and kind, interested in you and what is happening to you, considerate and patient to the max, and very supportive of who you are as a person. She is a registered nurse and was a great support to me when we thought I might have an advanced form of cancer. She insists on being positive and aggressively pursues healthy outlets like going the the YMCA, bicycle riding, walking the dog twice a day and eating healthfully...all things I struggle with as a man. She supplements me beautifully.
I am very grateful for her in my life.
Add to all this that I am still toiling away at the dissertation and maybe you get a fix on why it is that I let the blog slip to the wayside for a while. Well...I'm back. And, I want to tell the story I have described above as a great lesson in spirituality for me. There were several points this past winter when I wanted to call it quits, march into the boss's office and tell her to stick the job and all that goes with it. And, there were many times when I wanted to give up about the cancer because I started to fantasize about the utter futility of treating it again. But, in both cases, I let the problem go. I let it go so that it could be dealt with within the great cosmic system of my belief in a higher power that guides life for me. Somehow, for some reason, I had to go through what I went through with the job and the cancer these past six months. I may not know why for a long time, but I do believe that eventually it will all come together and I will understand why life unfolded for me this way in 2011.
Until that time, I intend to continue to practice a program of recovery based on knowing that I cannot control the great forces that seen to run the world and my part in it. Instead, all I can do is have faith that life goes the way it ought to and that, as it says in the AA Big Book on page 417..."Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake."
All the best, Roger
A lot has happened during this time, and I've debated whether or not I ought to talk about it all in this space. In every respect, I have thought of The Happy Hour as a place to talk about spirituality and growth in recovery, and not so much a place to talk about problems. But, I think the mention of them is unavoidable because, ultimately, my experience during the past several months speaks directly to the influence of spirituality in my life.
I struggled at work starting in October last year, and, right up until about three weeks ago, I wasn't certain if I would have a job at my current employer (a place that forbids me from using its name in this blog) or not. As it turns out, I did stay with that employer, albeit in a very different capacity than I was in before. Now, after months of wrangling, I've landed on my feet as an outpatient counselor in a clinic not far from my home. It's a good thing too because I needed to stay with that employer in order to ensure I had health insurance.
The health insurance problem came about because in February I found out that the cancer that I was operated on for in 2004 has reoccurred. As the doctors at the Mayo Clinic put it, I have about a quarter of a raindrop-sized collection of cancer cells in the prostate bed in my lower abdomen. We know this because the PSA count - the way in which doctors measure if cancer is growing - stands at .25 on a large scale that can extend up to 20-30. Now, that isn't altogether that bad except that it ought to be zero because I do not have a prostate that would be generating the antigens that the PSA test measures. So, .25 is a significant enough level for doctors to start worrying about it. They say that we will not have to treat the cancer until the level is between 1.0 and 2.0, so there may be a fair amount of time before something has to happen. My next test is June 29th, so more will be known at that time as to how fast this is growing.
The health insurance part was a problem because, should I have had to leave my employer anytime this past winter and spring, I would not have been insured by a new health plan because the cancer reoccurrence would be considered a pre-existing condition. Lots of worry for several months as I tried to figure out how to get a new job within the same company.
Well...it did work out. And, I'm grateful for that.
One of the things that helped me get through this mess this year was the strength that I got from a new partner. Twyla came into my life at just about the same time I got the news about the cancer. What a blessing and breath of fresh air. She is one of those people who you think you have known all your life despite the fact you may have just met her. She's warm and kind, interested in you and what is happening to you, considerate and patient to the max, and very supportive of who you are as a person. She is a registered nurse and was a great support to me when we thought I might have an advanced form of cancer. She insists on being positive and aggressively pursues healthy outlets like going the the YMCA, bicycle riding, walking the dog twice a day and eating healthfully...all things I struggle with as a man. She supplements me beautifully.
I am very grateful for her in my life.
Add to all this that I am still toiling away at the dissertation and maybe you get a fix on why it is that I let the blog slip to the wayside for a while. Well...I'm back. And, I want to tell the story I have described above as a great lesson in spirituality for me. There were several points this past winter when I wanted to call it quits, march into the boss's office and tell her to stick the job and all that goes with it. And, there were many times when I wanted to give up about the cancer because I started to fantasize about the utter futility of treating it again. But, in both cases, I let the problem go. I let it go so that it could be dealt with within the great cosmic system of my belief in a higher power that guides life for me. Somehow, for some reason, I had to go through what I went through with the job and the cancer these past six months. I may not know why for a long time, but I do believe that eventually it will all come together and I will understand why life unfolded for me this way in 2011.
Until that time, I intend to continue to practice a program of recovery based on knowing that I cannot control the great forces that seen to run the world and my part in it. Instead, all I can do is have faith that life goes the way it ought to and that, as it says in the AA Big Book on page 417..."Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake."
All the best, Roger
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Tony Robbins...
Every now and then, as I walk by a bookcase, my eye will drift to a set of audio tapes I have entitled "Your Personal Power" by motivational speaker Tony Robbins. Ten tapes sit in their little boxes inside a cardboard case, all neat and tidy and ready to go, but hardly used. In fact, I've never listened to more than three of them since I got them. A while ago I decided to check them out for some reason and snapped a cassette into the old portable tape recorder I have and started to listen to tape number one again as I had that first day in 1996. It's had a real affect on me this time.
Robbins presents information in these tapes that is designed to motivate a person to action. Personal power to accomplish things in life lies within, he maintains, and all a person really needs to do is tap into that power source and their lives will be transformed from one of a person who only dreams of accomplishment to one who actually has accomplishment in their life. It's all pretty good stuff. I'm drawn to Robbins, as many are, because of his charisma and energy. But, I'm also drawn to him because he has popularized the notion that to have once been hopelessly addicted, without a trace of faith that anything can change, does not destine someone to a the dust pile of life...he has overcome addiction (I think it was to food and not necessarily to drugs) and gone on to build an empire, not only financially, but spiritually as well.
I, like so many who have bought his tapes, did not follow through and listen to them all after I got them. Instead, I said to myself that I know all about that stuff and he's just too simplistic about complex problems of living. I found no need to do the exercises he suggests and thought very little about his basic premise, i.e., we are able to change our lives if we change the way we think. Then, one day several years ago, I discovered what he was up to. What Robbins has done is customize and popularize a form of mental conditioning called Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) that attacks and changes the way we think about life in ways that have been poor adaptations to the challenges we experience. I knew about NLP and actually used it as a device to help my patients overcome their negative thoughts about themselves that always led them to using drugs. In many respects it works well to help a person change...I just never really believed it could help me.
NLP relies on not only analyzing what we think about problems - being overweight, using drugs, having a lousy job, being in a bad relationship - but also doing something about that thinking. Robbins teaches that what people really need to do is make quick and subtle changes in the way we do things in order to one day realize that change has actually taken place. It's the baby steps idea. But, it is also more than that. He is a powerful personal coach and has a non-stop chatter that keeps you moving forward in your thinking rather than drift to old and comfortable ways of avoiding the pain of self-discovery and self-actualization. That's why each of these tapes has an exercise attached that is homework a person must do today in order to move forward to the next level tomorrow. And, if you take those exercises seriously, you'll change. It's inevitable.
So, I am trying to change some things in my life and I turn to Robbins for help. My first assignment (decide on one thing I want to change and write it down and take one small, immediate step toward achieving it) was to finally sit down and plan out how I was going to lose some weight. I wrote down my goal and thought of one step I could take toward reaching it. I set a goal of 50 pounds and picked up the phone and called Nutrisystem to order their meal plan. So far, a few months into it, I've lost 38 pounds.
What keeps me going? It's is the Robbins tape that challenged me to finally abandon those old, worn out and broken thoughts that had consistently failed to get me to lose weight. I didn't set out to lose it all at once, and I didn't have an exercise that would guarantee I would drop it all at once. Rather, I had a plan and took one small step at first and a bunch of small steps since that have led me out of the woods into the sunshine of a healthier life. In effect, I've brain washed myself into thinking I could lose the weight and then went on automatic pilot thinking that drives me to eat the Nutrisystem meals and stick to the program.
For some people, the idea that brain washing happens this way is odious to them. But, for me, my brain did need some washing when it came to weight as I zoomed up each year one or two or three pounds until I was grossly overweight. Now that it has been washed with the cleanser of NLP and the belief that losing one or two or three pounds at a time is possible for me I feel rewarded and have much more confidence I can go all the way. It's not easy, but it's the Robbins NLP that worked in this case.
Now I'm turning my attention to other problems. And, I've got some. But, I'm determined to deal with them in another way other than the old familiar ways that have not changed a thing for decades. It's all thanks to Tony Robbins, for sure, but it is also thanks to my belief that there is power back in my life today that can help me achieve my goals.
All the best, Roger W.
Robbins presents information in these tapes that is designed to motivate a person to action. Personal power to accomplish things in life lies within, he maintains, and all a person really needs to do is tap into that power source and their lives will be transformed from one of a person who only dreams of accomplishment to one who actually has accomplishment in their life. It's all pretty good stuff. I'm drawn to Robbins, as many are, because of his charisma and energy. But, I'm also drawn to him because he has popularized the notion that to have once been hopelessly addicted, without a trace of faith that anything can change, does not destine someone to a the dust pile of life...he has overcome addiction (I think it was to food and not necessarily to drugs) and gone on to build an empire, not only financially, but spiritually as well.
I, like so many who have bought his tapes, did not follow through and listen to them all after I got them. Instead, I said to myself that I know all about that stuff and he's just too simplistic about complex problems of living. I found no need to do the exercises he suggests and thought very little about his basic premise, i.e., we are able to change our lives if we change the way we think. Then, one day several years ago, I discovered what he was up to. What Robbins has done is customize and popularize a form of mental conditioning called Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) that attacks and changes the way we think about life in ways that have been poor adaptations to the challenges we experience. I knew about NLP and actually used it as a device to help my patients overcome their negative thoughts about themselves that always led them to using drugs. In many respects it works well to help a person change...I just never really believed it could help me.
NLP relies on not only analyzing what we think about problems - being overweight, using drugs, having a lousy job, being in a bad relationship - but also doing something about that thinking. Robbins teaches that what people really need to do is make quick and subtle changes in the way we do things in order to one day realize that change has actually taken place. It's the baby steps idea. But, it is also more than that. He is a powerful personal coach and has a non-stop chatter that keeps you moving forward in your thinking rather than drift to old and comfortable ways of avoiding the pain of self-discovery and self-actualization. That's why each of these tapes has an exercise attached that is homework a person must do today in order to move forward to the next level tomorrow. And, if you take those exercises seriously, you'll change. It's inevitable.
So, I am trying to change some things in my life and I turn to Robbins for help. My first assignment (decide on one thing I want to change and write it down and take one small, immediate step toward achieving it) was to finally sit down and plan out how I was going to lose some weight. I wrote down my goal and thought of one step I could take toward reaching it. I set a goal of 50 pounds and picked up the phone and called Nutrisystem to order their meal plan. So far, a few months into it, I've lost 38 pounds.
What keeps me going? It's is the Robbins tape that challenged me to finally abandon those old, worn out and broken thoughts that had consistently failed to get me to lose weight. I didn't set out to lose it all at once, and I didn't have an exercise that would guarantee I would drop it all at once. Rather, I had a plan and took one small step at first and a bunch of small steps since that have led me out of the woods into the sunshine of a healthier life. In effect, I've brain washed myself into thinking I could lose the weight and then went on automatic pilot thinking that drives me to eat the Nutrisystem meals and stick to the program.
For some people, the idea that brain washing happens this way is odious to them. But, for me, my brain did need some washing when it came to weight as I zoomed up each year one or two or three pounds until I was grossly overweight. Now that it has been washed with the cleanser of NLP and the belief that losing one or two or three pounds at a time is possible for me I feel rewarded and have much more confidence I can go all the way. It's not easy, but it's the Robbins NLP that worked in this case.
Now I'm turning my attention to other problems. And, I've got some. But, I'm determined to deal with them in another way other than the old familiar ways that have not changed a thing for decades. It's all thanks to Tony Robbins, for sure, but it is also thanks to my belief that there is power back in my life today that can help me achieve my goals.
All the best, Roger W.
Monday, October 11, 2010
People, Places, Things & Situations...
I was recounting the other day to one of my patients that it would be necessary for him to get a host of new friends in recovery if he had any chance to remain clean and sober after treatment. This came as a blow to him. It was a direct assault on not only one of his relapse warning signs, but also on his reservations about recovery in general. Come to find out, he had been telephoning old using buddies throughout his stay in treatment and had elaborate plans to hang with them afterwards.
The old saying in the 12 Step programs is, "If you hang around a barber shop for a while, sooner or later you're gonna get a haircut." I told him that it was virtually inevitable that, should he decide to hang around with old, using friends, he would again pickup drugs right where he left off. Of course, this didn't go down well with him and he scoffed at the idea he could not do what he wanted at first. But, soon, the tears came as he sobbed about how lonely he was and how desperate he was for the bonding companionship of his friends. In fact, his association with them went far beyond just mutual support for using...it had become the core value in his life and he saw himself as someone who could not survive outside the tight gravitational pull of the group to which he belonged outside of treatment. Given this, I did what I usually do with these young men: I told him my story and what I had to do to stay clean and sober. I told him of how, in early sobriety, I had to pull out of three key relationships in my life in order to stay off alcohol and other drugs.
I told him of having to say goodbye to Larry, a close friend with whom I shared many great times and a close bond. I had laughed with him and cried with him. I had many long conversations about important issues of the day with him. My wife and I, together with Roberta and Larry became a wonderful team it seemed. I admired him for his comeback in life and how hard he worked. But, most of all, I liked Larry because he always had a lot of booze and had become one of the biggest cocaine dealers in New England. When I got clean, I knew I had to avoid him to stay well. He was still using and dealing. So, I shunned him. He never forgot or forgave me for that and a few years later when I tried to hook back up with him because I heard he was finally sober, he hung up the phone on me. I hurt, but I stayed clean.
I told him of David and how I used to help him with his political campaigns. I had an easy-going, familiar, and honest relationship with David. We talked politics for hours and I am the one who convinced him to get an MBA degree, and he did, and he became an important businessman in his community. I even forgave David for becoming a Republican! And, it didn't seem possible that "we" would ever end. But, there never was a day that David and I got together that we weren't drinking a beer and smoking a joint. I regret I never went to his wedding, but, at the time, I couldn't sit in a hall full of these old friends using around me and still hope to stay clean, so I passed on it, never gave him an explanation, and haven't heard from him since. I hurt, but I stayed clean.
And, then there was Stephen. He was the closest to me of all the men I have ever met in my life at the time. A true brother to me that I never had. He was exciting as a politician and an intellectual and we would hatch great plans for the universe in our kitchens over tea. He was always the center of attention and I basked in the reflection of everyone soon coming to know that we were the best of friends and I, of all the people we knew, was closest to him. He took me to Washington with him and got me work and we tore up that town with hard work and plenty of ideas and had a lot of fun. I was never really out of his sight for more than a few days for nearly 20 years. We were a pair, we were sharp as razors, we were accomplished young men, we were fun and exciting, and, we were nearly always loaded. Hardly a day passed in all the time we were together when we weren't drinking or smoking weed. Saying goodbye to him that day in May was the hardest thing I ever did. I hurt, but I stayed clean.
Now, when the topic comes up of having to save your own life and make the tough choices for recovery, I always tell people about having to walk away from these men. I tell them of the pain and sorrow, the grief and the confusion, and the longing and the loneliness of being without them. But, I also tell how I survived the temptations to give in to the pressure inside that wanted me to compromise my deepest value for saving my own life in favor of companionship. I tell them of the new friends I have...one is a man who I greatly respect and in whom I have placed my trust and love...where the bonds are much stronger than they were with Larry, David and Stephen. And, I tell them of the joy of knowing that there is nothing hidden in my life today that can cause me to use alcohol or any other drug.
When I look back on the people, places, things and situations that could have destroyed my life, I marvel at the courage I have been able to find to make the tough choices about who I want in my life and who I have to walk away from. I would not have done it differently were I to have the chance to do it again. I know that I may or may not see these men again, but, regardless, I'll stay clean.
All the best, Roger W.
The old saying in the 12 Step programs is, "If you hang around a barber shop for a while, sooner or later you're gonna get a haircut." I told him that it was virtually inevitable that, should he decide to hang around with old, using friends, he would again pickup drugs right where he left off. Of course, this didn't go down well with him and he scoffed at the idea he could not do what he wanted at first. But, soon, the tears came as he sobbed about how lonely he was and how desperate he was for the bonding companionship of his friends. In fact, his association with them went far beyond just mutual support for using...it had become the core value in his life and he saw himself as someone who could not survive outside the tight gravitational pull of the group to which he belonged outside of treatment. Given this, I did what I usually do with these young men: I told him my story and what I had to do to stay clean and sober. I told him of how, in early sobriety, I had to pull out of three key relationships in my life in order to stay off alcohol and other drugs.
I told him of having to say goodbye to Larry, a close friend with whom I shared many great times and a close bond. I had laughed with him and cried with him. I had many long conversations about important issues of the day with him. My wife and I, together with Roberta and Larry became a wonderful team it seemed. I admired him for his comeback in life and how hard he worked. But, most of all, I liked Larry because he always had a lot of booze and had become one of the biggest cocaine dealers in New England. When I got clean, I knew I had to avoid him to stay well. He was still using and dealing. So, I shunned him. He never forgot or forgave me for that and a few years later when I tried to hook back up with him because I heard he was finally sober, he hung up the phone on me. I hurt, but I stayed clean.
I told him of David and how I used to help him with his political campaigns. I had an easy-going, familiar, and honest relationship with David. We talked politics for hours and I am the one who convinced him to get an MBA degree, and he did, and he became an important businessman in his community. I even forgave David for becoming a Republican! And, it didn't seem possible that "we" would ever end. But, there never was a day that David and I got together that we weren't drinking a beer and smoking a joint. I regret I never went to his wedding, but, at the time, I couldn't sit in a hall full of these old friends using around me and still hope to stay clean, so I passed on it, never gave him an explanation, and haven't heard from him since. I hurt, but I stayed clean.
And, then there was Stephen. He was the closest to me of all the men I have ever met in my life at the time. A true brother to me that I never had. He was exciting as a politician and an intellectual and we would hatch great plans for the universe in our kitchens over tea. He was always the center of attention and I basked in the reflection of everyone soon coming to know that we were the best of friends and I, of all the people we knew, was closest to him. He took me to Washington with him and got me work and we tore up that town with hard work and plenty of ideas and had a lot of fun. I was never really out of his sight for more than a few days for nearly 20 years. We were a pair, we were sharp as razors, we were accomplished young men, we were fun and exciting, and, we were nearly always loaded. Hardly a day passed in all the time we were together when we weren't drinking or smoking weed. Saying goodbye to him that day in May was the hardest thing I ever did. I hurt, but I stayed clean.
Now, when the topic comes up of having to save your own life and make the tough choices for recovery, I always tell people about having to walk away from these men. I tell them of the pain and sorrow, the grief and the confusion, and the longing and the loneliness of being without them. But, I also tell how I survived the temptations to give in to the pressure inside that wanted me to compromise my deepest value for saving my own life in favor of companionship. I tell them of the new friends I have...one is a man who I greatly respect and in whom I have placed my trust and love...where the bonds are much stronger than they were with Larry, David and Stephen. And, I tell them of the joy of knowing that there is nothing hidden in my life today that can cause me to use alcohol or any other drug.
When I look back on the people, places, things and situations that could have destroyed my life, I marvel at the courage I have been able to find to make the tough choices about who I want in my life and who I have to walk away from. I would not have done it differently were I to have the chance to do it again. I know that I may or may not see these men again, but, regardless, I'll stay clean.
All the best, Roger W.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Just for Today...
My Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous fell from my desk recently and flipped open to page 100. "Just for Today" is written on that page, and I took it as a sign that there was a need for me to review that series of slogans in my life. It goes like this:
Tell yourself:
Just for today my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.
Just for today I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
Just for today I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability.
Just for today through NA I will try to get a better perspective on my life.
Just for Today I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new ways of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
Some of you may recognize a few of these phrases for I have consistently used parts of Just for Today in several blog entries. There is a reason for that...I believe wholeheartedly in what this says because Just for Today saved my life.
When I first got clean in 1987, I used to go to meetings at a place called the Crossroads Club in Delray Beach FL. The people and meetings there made such a strong emotional impression on me that I can picture the faces of the people in those rooms to this day. And, I remember their names...Jerry, the gambler with the massive cocaine addition; Kennedy, the weightlifter who would do two or three 12-step calls on suffering addicts a week; Don, my sponsor, who was 66 years old and had 6 strong years of recovery under his belt; Bobby, the suicidal pot smoker, who survived a shotgun blast to his face after a busted attempt to shoot himself. The people and more formed the core of healthy people that I initially relied upon to save my life.
At first, surrounded by all these recovering addicts whose using lives seemed so much more chaotic and hopeless than my relatively normal existence, I felt I didn't fit in. "I was different" I said to myself. Don was the first to remind me that no one gets to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous by mistake and there was a reason for me being there. He was right: My inability to live in the moment, in the day, in the time I had been given to live a productive life...that inability to live life on life's terms was the chief cause for the collapse of my life that was directly related to my use of drugs. He is the one who first took me to Just for Today, and I have never looked back since.
Today, I only think about recovery and living life as best I can. Today, I have faith that someone wants to help me and is there for me when I need him or her. Today, I have a strong program of recovery and I follow its guidance. Today, I have a true perspective on my life. And, today, I am unafraid of life and I focus on what I have with respect and gratitude.
That's all I really need to do to stay well. It is so simple. It is elegant. It is real. For the book to flip open at this page could be due to its well-worn groove in the binding. Or, one might say it's a reminder for me to look carefully at my life today to see that I am living one day at a time. It makes no difference which it is. I just take it as it comes to me with all the goodness and hope that it provides.
So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
Tell yourself:
Just for today my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.
Just for today I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
Just for today I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability.
Just for today through NA I will try to get a better perspective on my life.
Just for Today I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new ways of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
Some of you may recognize a few of these phrases for I have consistently used parts of Just for Today in several blog entries. There is a reason for that...I believe wholeheartedly in what this says because Just for Today saved my life.
When I first got clean in 1987, I used to go to meetings at a place called the Crossroads Club in Delray Beach FL. The people and meetings there made such a strong emotional impression on me that I can picture the faces of the people in those rooms to this day. And, I remember their names...Jerry, the gambler with the massive cocaine addition; Kennedy, the weightlifter who would do two or three 12-step calls on suffering addicts a week; Don, my sponsor, who was 66 years old and had 6 strong years of recovery under his belt; Bobby, the suicidal pot smoker, who survived a shotgun blast to his face after a busted attempt to shoot himself. The people and more formed the core of healthy people that I initially relied upon to save my life.
At first, surrounded by all these recovering addicts whose using lives seemed so much more chaotic and hopeless than my relatively normal existence, I felt I didn't fit in. "I was different" I said to myself. Don was the first to remind me that no one gets to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous by mistake and there was a reason for me being there. He was right: My inability to live in the moment, in the day, in the time I had been given to live a productive life...that inability to live life on life's terms was the chief cause for the collapse of my life that was directly related to my use of drugs. He is the one who first took me to Just for Today, and I have never looked back since.
Today, I only think about recovery and living life as best I can. Today, I have faith that someone wants to help me and is there for me when I need him or her. Today, I have a strong program of recovery and I follow its guidance. Today, I have a true perspective on my life. And, today, I am unafraid of life and I focus on what I have with respect and gratitude.
That's all I really need to do to stay well. It is so simple. It is elegant. It is real. For the book to flip open at this page could be due to its well-worn groove in the binding. Or, one might say it's a reminder for me to look carefully at my life today to see that I am living one day at a time. It makes no difference which it is. I just take it as it comes to me with all the goodness and hope that it provides.
So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Relapse Prevention...
For a while now I have felt compelled to write about spirituality in recovery. I think this comes from my study of the spiritual transformation that men can go through in recovery and how studying all the time on this can shift my focus away from other aspects of recovery. But, one can easily say that relapse prevention is an important topic in recovery and is something that many people put on the front burner of their recovery stove.
I strongly believe that, while ideas about relapse prevention are vital for anyone in recovery, these ideas alone are not sufficient to stay clean and sober. As Bill W. said in the AA Big Book, self-knowledge alone is insufficient. So too is knowledge about relapse warning signs, triggers and high risk situations that threaten recovery not sufficient to combat the cravings and urges to use. There is really only one, unchanging "device" that will ultimately defeat the cravings and urges to drink or take drugs...a spiritual transformation in a person's life. We've talked a lot about that here on The Happy Hour. But, there is room here also for talking about techniques that can help a person go through their days with ease and comfort rather than being tossed about by the forces of relapse.
These techniques are fairly well known. Generally, they are methods that a person considers for combating specific relapse warning signs, triggers and high risk situations that might erupt during a typical day. The methods themselves are usually not spectacular. Instead, they are each geared toward addressing a specific relapse warning sign in a simple, straight-forward, and speedy way. The source for knowing what relapse warning signs are for me comes from my Step Four work whereby I do an inventory of my life and identify those things that were warning signs, triggers, or high risk situations in my past. Once armed with the list of things that threaten my recovery, I am in a place where I can construct a set of counter-measures that will defeat them. An example would be that I know certain people in my past are dangerous for me. I have honestly looked at these relationships and determined that associating with these people put me at high risk for relapse. Knowing this, I not only list them as risks, but I also have a plan as to how I am going to cut them out of my daily life and handle situations in which I might meet them (like as the grocery store). Another example might be red wine as a dangerous thing for me. When I find myself in situations in which I used to drink red wine, or times when I might be asked to drink a glass of red wine, or when I might be surrounded by people who are drinking red wine, I develop a plan to handle these temptations.
I developed my own relapse prevention plan many years ago under the tutelage of my first sponsor, Don, who taught me how to be aware of relapse warning signs, triggers, and high risk situations that can creep back into my life. I renew it once a year on an index card system I keep with me constantly. Don also taught me one valuable aspect to this system: The list of warning signs is based solely on what I know once happened to me to cause me to drink and take drugs, not on what might happen to me to make me do so. Any traditionally taught relapse prevention program emphasizes looking at the past for trouble that might arise in the future. While it is likely that old warning signs will undoubtedly return in a person's lifetime, the fact of the matter is that just thinking about the past issues is not sufficient. Any good relapse prevention plan must account for the unknown, and that is where most of this intellectual stuff about relapse prevention begins to break down. It is simply impossible to list out all the potential ways that I might relapse, so I am largely stuck with what I know about the past unless I invest in something else to augment a relapse prevention system.
That's where spirituality comes back into the picture. The only true way to ensure that I do not use drugs is to invest in a process of hope and faith in a power greater than myself that can guide me through a day in which I might get whacked with a whole series of new temptations to use. If I believe in this process - that I will find the power to overcome anything that threatens my recovery - then I am inoculated against the dangers of relapse, at least for today. Of course, when you combine the two processes of a relapse prevention scheme with spirituality, the possibilities of relapse decline exponentially. This is a good thing.
Today, I am thinking of Don (who died a few years ago clean and sober for 26 years) and what he taught me along with the principles of my Narcotics Anonymous program that is based on spiritual growth and accomplishment. So long as I follow those ways, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
I strongly believe that, while ideas about relapse prevention are vital for anyone in recovery, these ideas alone are not sufficient to stay clean and sober. As Bill W. said in the AA Big Book, self-knowledge alone is insufficient. So too is knowledge about relapse warning signs, triggers and high risk situations that threaten recovery not sufficient to combat the cravings and urges to use. There is really only one, unchanging "device" that will ultimately defeat the cravings and urges to drink or take drugs...a spiritual transformation in a person's life. We've talked a lot about that here on The Happy Hour. But, there is room here also for talking about techniques that can help a person go through their days with ease and comfort rather than being tossed about by the forces of relapse.
These techniques are fairly well known. Generally, they are methods that a person considers for combating specific relapse warning signs, triggers and high risk situations that might erupt during a typical day. The methods themselves are usually not spectacular. Instead, they are each geared toward addressing a specific relapse warning sign in a simple, straight-forward, and speedy way. The source for knowing what relapse warning signs are for me comes from my Step Four work whereby I do an inventory of my life and identify those things that were warning signs, triggers, or high risk situations in my past. Once armed with the list of things that threaten my recovery, I am in a place where I can construct a set of counter-measures that will defeat them. An example would be that I know certain people in my past are dangerous for me. I have honestly looked at these relationships and determined that associating with these people put me at high risk for relapse. Knowing this, I not only list them as risks, but I also have a plan as to how I am going to cut them out of my daily life and handle situations in which I might meet them (like as the grocery store). Another example might be red wine as a dangerous thing for me. When I find myself in situations in which I used to drink red wine, or times when I might be asked to drink a glass of red wine, or when I might be surrounded by people who are drinking red wine, I develop a plan to handle these temptations.
I developed my own relapse prevention plan many years ago under the tutelage of my first sponsor, Don, who taught me how to be aware of relapse warning signs, triggers, and high risk situations that can creep back into my life. I renew it once a year on an index card system I keep with me constantly. Don also taught me one valuable aspect to this system: The list of warning signs is based solely on what I know once happened to me to cause me to drink and take drugs, not on what might happen to me to make me do so. Any traditionally taught relapse prevention program emphasizes looking at the past for trouble that might arise in the future. While it is likely that old warning signs will undoubtedly return in a person's lifetime, the fact of the matter is that just thinking about the past issues is not sufficient. Any good relapse prevention plan must account for the unknown, and that is where most of this intellectual stuff about relapse prevention begins to break down. It is simply impossible to list out all the potential ways that I might relapse, so I am largely stuck with what I know about the past unless I invest in something else to augment a relapse prevention system.
That's where spirituality comes back into the picture. The only true way to ensure that I do not use drugs is to invest in a process of hope and faith in a power greater than myself that can guide me through a day in which I might get whacked with a whole series of new temptations to use. If I believe in this process - that I will find the power to overcome anything that threatens my recovery - then I am inoculated against the dangers of relapse, at least for today. Of course, when you combine the two processes of a relapse prevention scheme with spirituality, the possibilities of relapse decline exponentially. This is a good thing.
Today, I am thinking of Don (who died a few years ago clean and sober for 26 years) and what he taught me along with the principles of my Narcotics Anonymous program that is based on spiritual growth and accomplishment. So long as I follow those ways, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Ramblings of my mind...
Foremost...it's been a while since I've written in the blog. This is not good. Each day, when I look around to see what's going on in my life, I see that I have not written in The Happy Hour and I feel guilty. That's too bad, not only because I enjoy this space and sharing about my recovery, but also because I think I loose readers when they continually turn to the pages here and find nothing new. Hopefully, that will change, and I'll be more consistent in the future.
I've been reading another book about the spiritual roots of AA, The Good Book and the Big Book... The narrative is about how AA was really formed by people - largely Judeo-Christian members of midwestern communities in America - who had a deeply seated belief in the Bible as a source of wisdom and strength for living a good life. The impetus for this close association between AA and the religious traditions of the Bible came largely from Dr. Bob and his wife Ann who used to use the book for meditations in their home with other recovering alcoholics. Dick B. says that the AA program is built largely on principles found in the Bible's Sermon on the Mount whereby Jesus outlined what the good life is like and what mankind ought to aspire to in daily life. Bill W. was an avowed atheist and I think most people would agree that it was hard for him to swallow much of this traditional religious emphasis. I think his imput is why the AA program is so "spiritual" instead of being religious. Bill saw his own sudden transformation as less an input from a great God than it was an emotionally moving event that broke through the years of denial he had about spiritual matters. It is inescapable to me that there is some powerful and wonderful spirit behind the formation of AA and it's 12 Step program progeny. It is amazing that two men, one steeped in traditional religious doctrine, and the other a man who became agnostic, came together and worked out a system that would be so accessible to everyone in the world. Whether the Good Book was the primary source for the AA principles or not, no one can claim that whatever it was that united these two men was a powerful force for overcoming the temptations of alcoholism. I, of course, will be researching spiritual transformations in alcoholism recovery and will undoubtedly run into men whose faith in the Good Book is real and valuable to them. It will be important for me to understand the roots of their own belief that may very well be grounded in religious, Biblical traditions. I intend to remain open to that, and Dick B's book will help give me perspective on the matter.
I am also busily pumping away at writing my proposal for the dissertation. The initial proposal chapters will eventually become the introduction for the dissertation, so, one can say I am literally writing the dissertation now despite the fact I have not done one piece of research thus far. It can be tedious, but I have a terrific man as chairman of my committee who is guiding me and the writing goes reasonably well.
The teaching also goes well (despite the fact that last week the computer broke down before class and I had no PowerPoint slides to use for the lecture - had to do it the old-fashioned way of using the board and talking from notes!). The students seem interested and I have a few that are very smart. All in all, it is a very good beginning for my academic career.
My family is healthy and in good spirits. This is something I am grateful for each day when I hear about the suffering some families endure. I am very grateful for my life and the people I have in it.
All the best, Roger W.
I've been reading another book about the spiritual roots of AA, The Good Book and the Big Book... The narrative is about how AA was really formed by people - largely Judeo-Christian members of midwestern communities in America - who had a deeply seated belief in the Bible as a source of wisdom and strength for living a good life. The impetus for this close association between AA and the religious traditions of the Bible came largely from Dr. Bob and his wife Ann who used to use the book for meditations in their home with other recovering alcoholics. Dick B. says that the AA program is built largely on principles found in the Bible's Sermon on the Mount whereby Jesus outlined what the good life is like and what mankind ought to aspire to in daily life. Bill W. was an avowed atheist and I think most people would agree that it was hard for him to swallow much of this traditional religious emphasis. I think his imput is why the AA program is so "spiritual" instead of being religious. Bill saw his own sudden transformation as less an input from a great God than it was an emotionally moving event that broke through the years of denial he had about spiritual matters. It is inescapable to me that there is some powerful and wonderful spirit behind the formation of AA and it's 12 Step program progeny. It is amazing that two men, one steeped in traditional religious doctrine, and the other a man who became agnostic, came together and worked out a system that would be so accessible to everyone in the world. Whether the Good Book was the primary source for the AA principles or not, no one can claim that whatever it was that united these two men was a powerful force for overcoming the temptations of alcoholism. I, of course, will be researching spiritual transformations in alcoholism recovery and will undoubtedly run into men whose faith in the Good Book is real and valuable to them. It will be important for me to understand the roots of their own belief that may very well be grounded in religious, Biblical traditions. I intend to remain open to that, and Dick B's book will help give me perspective on the matter.
I am also busily pumping away at writing my proposal for the dissertation. The initial proposal chapters will eventually become the introduction for the dissertation, so, one can say I am literally writing the dissertation now despite the fact I have not done one piece of research thus far. It can be tedious, but I have a terrific man as chairman of my committee who is guiding me and the writing goes reasonably well.
The teaching also goes well (despite the fact that last week the computer broke down before class and I had no PowerPoint slides to use for the lecture - had to do it the old-fashioned way of using the board and talking from notes!). The students seem interested and I have a few that are very smart. All in all, it is a very good beginning for my academic career.
My family is healthy and in good spirits. This is something I am grateful for each day when I hear about the suffering some families endure. I am very grateful for my life and the people I have in it.
All the best, Roger W.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Increasing spirituality...
My life has been hectic these past two weeks, but not so busy as to not feel the impact of a power greater than myself in my life. Whenever things get overwhelming there is a tendency for me to be too present, too focused on detail, and too compulsive with what I do on a daily basis. It sometimes leads to me missing that forest because all I see are the trees in my life.
This has been this way ever since I accepted that position teaching a Psychology course at a local college. I've had plenty of tasks to do each day that a teacher must do in order to prepare for lectures and attend to administrative requirements, and I have also had my dissertation proposal to write and my work. Sorting out what to do next can be a little sketchy as these three things press against my schedule. Yet, throughout it all, I have been strangely calm and consistent (OK...sure! I have occasionally cursed someone on the highway, or murmured to myself about the task at hand), but, I've kept my cool.
The thing that allows me to do so is my faith. Faith in a Higher Power in my life is still difficult for me to talk about in public - or even use the name "God" to describe it -, but I know it exists for me and empowers me to even discuss it in this space. I had been so long without a avowed faith that I sometimes feel uneasy talking about it for fear that it is not how I really feel but only a fantasy I have constructed because I was told it is necessary in order to recover from addiction. I had been so successful in lying to myself and everyone else around me for so long that I truly question my own thoughts and beliefs these days and put them through a reality check filter in order to make sure they are real. I think a lot of people in recovery do this. The reason for it is there is always some residual guilt for having squandered years turning our backs on the faith we had been given, and now, in recovery, feel uneasy thinking the faith is still there and for us.
But, there is a larger problem that plagues me about recognizing and affirming my faith: I had been taught for many years about the many people (philosophers and scientists) who had made detailed and powerful arguments against the existence of a God in this universe. Skepticism about faith in God came natural to me as I read many books that argued there cannot be any entity beyond that we can perceive with our senses, and the rest is made up of the fantasy that humans must create about a God in order to answer ancient questions about our existence and the chances of life after this life. There is a natural fear and worry about the future and what happens after our death that religious organizations have capitalized on throughout history in order to help people understand about the pain of this existence. But, often these systems themselves become problems that induce unhappy feelings in people.
I was raised a Roman Catholic and there is a certain quality about being Catholic that can permeate every fiber of your being. This quality is one of guilt and shame for being human (Original Sin is the hallmark of this), and the pain these two pillars of the Church's theology inflict can last a lifetime. There are many eminent people who have criticized the Church for this insistence on making human's everywhere feel they are the one's who nailed Christ to that cross, and the thinkers have usually gone on to form their own religious organizations as a way to support their thinking. I was one who turned away from the Church at a young age because I didn't like feeling ashamed of something I did not do. But, when I did, I found myself always teetering on the brink of a great hole into which I was always about to fall...some emptiness in which I was utterly alone in the universe and beyond hope. That had been a very painful place to be for more than 25 years before I found my spiritual footing again through the 12 Step program of Narcotics Anonymous.
Today, I know I can give myself permission to turn away from the hurtful dogma of some religious organizations and turn toward the soothing comfort of a program built upon a spiritual foundation that allows me to use my own understanding of God. I know it is alright for me to pray for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. I see how just knowing this can give me peace and comfort in my daily life that sometimes seems chaotic and unpredictable. Just feeling this deeply within my heart and not just thinking about it in my head is oftentimes enough to carry me through the day. And, I know that so long as a continue to feel this way I will forever more be guided toward what is right for me. Great confidence comes over me when I think this way, and it seems as if anything can be accomplished, nothing can stand in my way, and I will be safe throughout it all. I think it is that which keeps me going and growing, and I am eternally grateful to God for giving me a chance to have a second peek at true happiness and hope.
All the best, Roger W.
This has been this way ever since I accepted that position teaching a Psychology course at a local college. I've had plenty of tasks to do each day that a teacher must do in order to prepare for lectures and attend to administrative requirements, and I have also had my dissertation proposal to write and my work. Sorting out what to do next can be a little sketchy as these three things press against my schedule. Yet, throughout it all, I have been strangely calm and consistent (OK...sure! I have occasionally cursed someone on the highway, or murmured to myself about the task at hand), but, I've kept my cool.
The thing that allows me to do so is my faith. Faith in a Higher Power in my life is still difficult for me to talk about in public - or even use the name "God" to describe it -, but I know it exists for me and empowers me to even discuss it in this space. I had been so long without a avowed faith that I sometimes feel uneasy talking about it for fear that it is not how I really feel but only a fantasy I have constructed because I was told it is necessary in order to recover from addiction. I had been so successful in lying to myself and everyone else around me for so long that I truly question my own thoughts and beliefs these days and put them through a reality check filter in order to make sure they are real. I think a lot of people in recovery do this. The reason for it is there is always some residual guilt for having squandered years turning our backs on the faith we had been given, and now, in recovery, feel uneasy thinking the faith is still there and for us.
But, there is a larger problem that plagues me about recognizing and affirming my faith: I had been taught for many years about the many people (philosophers and scientists) who had made detailed and powerful arguments against the existence of a God in this universe. Skepticism about faith in God came natural to me as I read many books that argued there cannot be any entity beyond that we can perceive with our senses, and the rest is made up of the fantasy that humans must create about a God in order to answer ancient questions about our existence and the chances of life after this life. There is a natural fear and worry about the future and what happens after our death that religious organizations have capitalized on throughout history in order to help people understand about the pain of this existence. But, often these systems themselves become problems that induce unhappy feelings in people.
I was raised a Roman Catholic and there is a certain quality about being Catholic that can permeate every fiber of your being. This quality is one of guilt and shame for being human (Original Sin is the hallmark of this), and the pain these two pillars of the Church's theology inflict can last a lifetime. There are many eminent people who have criticized the Church for this insistence on making human's everywhere feel they are the one's who nailed Christ to that cross, and the thinkers have usually gone on to form their own religious organizations as a way to support their thinking. I was one who turned away from the Church at a young age because I didn't like feeling ashamed of something I did not do. But, when I did, I found myself always teetering on the brink of a great hole into which I was always about to fall...some emptiness in which I was utterly alone in the universe and beyond hope. That had been a very painful place to be for more than 25 years before I found my spiritual footing again through the 12 Step program of Narcotics Anonymous.
Today, I know I can give myself permission to turn away from the hurtful dogma of some religious organizations and turn toward the soothing comfort of a program built upon a spiritual foundation that allows me to use my own understanding of God. I know it is alright for me to pray for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. I see how just knowing this can give me peace and comfort in my daily life that sometimes seems chaotic and unpredictable. Just feeling this deeply within my heart and not just thinking about it in my head is oftentimes enough to carry me through the day. And, I know that so long as a continue to feel this way I will forever more be guided toward what is right for me. Great confidence comes over me when I think this way, and it seems as if anything can be accomplished, nothing can stand in my way, and I will be safe throughout it all. I think it is that which keeps me going and growing, and I am eternally grateful to God for giving me a chance to have a second peek at true happiness and hope.
All the best, Roger W.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Doing too much...
The headline photograph shown in the title above was taken by me during a rare vacation last Spring to Lutsen, Minnesota. Lutsen is the closest thing we have here in Minnesota to ski country, and being in the resort town for a few days in the off season was very interesting for me. Along the shores of Lake Superior I learned a lot about myself...but, perhaps not enough.
I struggled with things to do for the several days I was there. It's quite a remote area and there are no usual places to go and see. In fact, it's a lazy place with skiing being the chief recreation in the area and not much else except some mighty fine dining at the Lutsen Lodge where I was staying. There's a casino nearby, but I'm not much into gambling and a casual walk through the smoked-filled rooms reeking with the foul odor of smoke and too many people was enough for the 20-minute tour. Internet activity was spotty and cell phones rarely worked. So, for all practical purposes I was left to myself to figure out how to enjoy "me". It didn't work out so well.
I had brought along a new, old-fashioned film camera I bought through a yard sale, and thought I might be very active with making photographs on the trip. In fact, I only made a roll of what I considered marginally good pictures of the scenery and people there. One of them was the photograph above which is clearly the pick of the litter. I seemed to always be in too much of a hurry to go nowhere and twice passed by Split Rock Lighthouse in favor of staying on-the-road and "ahead of the traffic" (that was really non-existent) where I could have made some stock photographs. Frankly, I was so consumed by the difficulty of being by myself that I could barely make any pictures, so my dreams with this camera were dashed almost from the start.
There is a book that continually amazes me with its accuracy in summing up the way I truly am called "Meditations for Men Who Do Too Much". This is a small book with big meaning. Each day, the meditation it recommends seems to drive home the point that I am generally so busy occupying my time that I sometimes lose myself in the shuffle of a daily life spent pressing my self against my "envelope". On one of the days I was in Lutsen, the message was, "So many of us run and run, always looking for the answer, the tonic, and compulsively looking beyond what is in front of us." Man...I hated reading that then and still hate it now, for it is a true and accurate accounting of my life that can be compulsive and always looking toward a future that may not exist.
But, having faith that the meditation book is going to help me, I read it a lot, and today's entry is as powerful for me as the one in March: "It isn't necessary to be endlessly happy. Happiness can be a distortion, another drug to take. What may be more important than happiness is finding a sense of balance." That is so true for me that I believe recent choices I have made may be a mistake that I now feel myself locked into.
Last week, I was offered a teaching position at a local college. It has always been a dream of mine to teach college students, and I leapt at the opportunity. Now, seeing all the work involved - work that will rob time from my Ph.D. studies - I am having second thoughts. But, I am locked in and they are now depending on me to deliver a quality educational experience for 50 students next week. Yet, with the new commitment I feel myself grossly out of balance because of a desperate need to experience happiness that I feel I have always desired. And, being out of balance may effect me more deeply than I had thought when I accepted the teaching position.
So, here I stand, with the burden of three major commitments in my life, work, Ph.D. study and now collegiate teaching, that will push the envelope of my capacities. I am clearly doing too much. Somehow I have rationalized this to conclude that I can do it. I have good time management skills and will desperately need them to have a schedule that will make all three be high-quality performances for my boss, my Ph.D. committee and my students. To pull this off I will need the strength that will come from faith that I can do it. Today, I get that strength from a program of recovery that helps me through each day. One of the places that help comes from is a another book, "Twenty-Four Hours A Day", that also has meditations. Today's is, "I pray that I may be a part of a unified group. I pray that I may contribute my share to its consecrated purpose."
Clearly, I need to get to a meeting of my 12 Step group. I need to contribute to a process designed to get me out of myself and my own head and share with others the experience, strength and hope I have that my life will survive even the most punishing schedule I can put it through. And, just as clearly am I told here that my ultimate happiness is a part of the group process that helps me stay clean and sober today.
For, that is in the balance. I need to remain clean and sober throughout all this and should I not find the balance that comes from sharing and caring with others in recovery, I may never get to enjoy the fruits of my labor...I'll be loaded. "Just for today, I will have a program and try to practice it to be best of my ability", the NA text says. It's time for me to do that. So, long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
I struggled with things to do for the several days I was there. It's quite a remote area and there are no usual places to go and see. In fact, it's a lazy place with skiing being the chief recreation in the area and not much else except some mighty fine dining at the Lutsen Lodge where I was staying. There's a casino nearby, but I'm not much into gambling and a casual walk through the smoked-filled rooms reeking with the foul odor of smoke and too many people was enough for the 20-minute tour. Internet activity was spotty and cell phones rarely worked. So, for all practical purposes I was left to myself to figure out how to enjoy "me". It didn't work out so well.
I had brought along a new, old-fashioned film camera I bought through a yard sale, and thought I might be very active with making photographs on the trip. In fact, I only made a roll of what I considered marginally good pictures of the scenery and people there. One of them was the photograph above which is clearly the pick of the litter. I seemed to always be in too much of a hurry to go nowhere and twice passed by Split Rock Lighthouse in favor of staying on-the-road and "ahead of the traffic" (that was really non-existent) where I could have made some stock photographs. Frankly, I was so consumed by the difficulty of being by myself that I could barely make any pictures, so my dreams with this camera were dashed almost from the start.
There is a book that continually amazes me with its accuracy in summing up the way I truly am called "Meditations for Men Who Do Too Much". This is a small book with big meaning. Each day, the meditation it recommends seems to drive home the point that I am generally so busy occupying my time that I sometimes lose myself in the shuffle of a daily life spent pressing my self against my "envelope". On one of the days I was in Lutsen, the message was, "So many of us run and run, always looking for the answer, the tonic, and compulsively looking beyond what is in front of us." Man...I hated reading that then and still hate it now, for it is a true and accurate accounting of my life that can be compulsive and always looking toward a future that may not exist.
But, having faith that the meditation book is going to help me, I read it a lot, and today's entry is as powerful for me as the one in March: "It isn't necessary to be endlessly happy. Happiness can be a distortion, another drug to take. What may be more important than happiness is finding a sense of balance." That is so true for me that I believe recent choices I have made may be a mistake that I now feel myself locked into.
Last week, I was offered a teaching position at a local college. It has always been a dream of mine to teach college students, and I leapt at the opportunity. Now, seeing all the work involved - work that will rob time from my Ph.D. studies - I am having second thoughts. But, I am locked in and they are now depending on me to deliver a quality educational experience for 50 students next week. Yet, with the new commitment I feel myself grossly out of balance because of a desperate need to experience happiness that I feel I have always desired. And, being out of balance may effect me more deeply than I had thought when I accepted the teaching position.
So, here I stand, with the burden of three major commitments in my life, work, Ph.D. study and now collegiate teaching, that will push the envelope of my capacities. I am clearly doing too much. Somehow I have rationalized this to conclude that I can do it. I have good time management skills and will desperately need them to have a schedule that will make all three be high-quality performances for my boss, my Ph.D. committee and my students. To pull this off I will need the strength that will come from faith that I can do it. Today, I get that strength from a program of recovery that helps me through each day. One of the places that help comes from is a another book, "Twenty-Four Hours A Day", that also has meditations. Today's is, "I pray that I may be a part of a unified group. I pray that I may contribute my share to its consecrated purpose."
Clearly, I need to get to a meeting of my 12 Step group. I need to contribute to a process designed to get me out of myself and my own head and share with others the experience, strength and hope I have that my life will survive even the most punishing schedule I can put it through. And, just as clearly am I told here that my ultimate happiness is a part of the group process that helps me stay clean and sober today.
For, that is in the balance. I need to remain clean and sober throughout all this and should I not find the balance that comes from sharing and caring with others in recovery, I may never get to enjoy the fruits of my labor...I'll be loaded. "Just for today, I will have a program and try to practice it to be best of my ability", the NA text says. It's time for me to do that. So, long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Blagging...
There's terrific news on my home front as I found out last Friday that I have been given an Adjunct Professorship at the Minneapolis Community & Technical College. I thought I'd do a little bragging on my blog (blagging as my friend George coined it) to celebrate.
"Who'd a thunk it!" as my friend Mary Kay said when told the news. And, she's right...who would've believed just 4 years ago that I would be teaching at the collegiate level? Not me, for sure. It's always been a dream, of course, to teach college students about Psychology, but I frankly didn't think I would have a shot at it until I finished up the Ph.D. two years from now. But, here I am, going into the classroom with 50 students on August 23rd. Amazing.
It's always been true for me that you have to be careful what you wish for in recovery. You're liable to get it, and you have to make sure that it's something that you really want. This has held true for me several times: When I got a job as a French chef at a 4-star restaurant in Boston at age 53, when I got a job working with adolescent drug addicts at a world-renowned drug treatment facility when I was 58, and when I get a job teaching college students at 63. I truly believe that anyone can do anything they set their minds to do at any age. The recipe is simple: The chief ingredient is passion for the work, mixed together with preparation through learning either in school or on-the-job, a level of enthusiasm for the position, and a dash of good luck to be in the right place when the need arises.
These times always beg for a reflective attitude, and I can only offer extreme gratitude to my Higher Power I found in recovery as the main feeling I have at the moment. There are parts of me that feel as if I don't deserve this kind of favorable treatment in the world (has been a lingering character defect not yet removed by my Step Seven prayers), and I struggle to accept good things without waiting for the other shoe to drop. So there is more than a little worry about performing well on the job and carrying through with the dream without somehow screwing it up. But, at the end of the day I realize that I do warrant this kind of favorable and serendipitous activity in my life largely because of the hard work I put into fulfilling my purpose in life and staying clean and sober. Surely I would not be doing any of this if I was still drinking and drugging because, if I was still alive, I would certainly have no ambitions, positive relationships and perseverance to work through the daily demands of living life on life's terms. It's my faith in a Higher Power that has made this possible by giving me hope (Step Two) and strength (Step Eleven) to carry on.
So, I celebrate my achievements by blagging a little bit and know that you who read this are interested in my success and well-being. I am also very grateful for that and will carry this in my heart always.
All the best, Roger W.
"Who'd a thunk it!" as my friend Mary Kay said when told the news. And, she's right...who would've believed just 4 years ago that I would be teaching at the collegiate level? Not me, for sure. It's always been a dream, of course, to teach college students about Psychology, but I frankly didn't think I would have a shot at it until I finished up the Ph.D. two years from now. But, here I am, going into the classroom with 50 students on August 23rd. Amazing.
It's always been true for me that you have to be careful what you wish for in recovery. You're liable to get it, and you have to make sure that it's something that you really want. This has held true for me several times: When I got a job as a French chef at a 4-star restaurant in Boston at age 53, when I got a job working with adolescent drug addicts at a world-renowned drug treatment facility when I was 58, and when I get a job teaching college students at 63. I truly believe that anyone can do anything they set their minds to do at any age. The recipe is simple: The chief ingredient is passion for the work, mixed together with preparation through learning either in school or on-the-job, a level of enthusiasm for the position, and a dash of good luck to be in the right place when the need arises.
These times always beg for a reflective attitude, and I can only offer extreme gratitude to my Higher Power I found in recovery as the main feeling I have at the moment. There are parts of me that feel as if I don't deserve this kind of favorable treatment in the world (has been a lingering character defect not yet removed by my Step Seven prayers), and I struggle to accept good things without waiting for the other shoe to drop. So there is more than a little worry about performing well on the job and carrying through with the dream without somehow screwing it up. But, at the end of the day I realize that I do warrant this kind of favorable and serendipitous activity in my life largely because of the hard work I put into fulfilling my purpose in life and staying clean and sober. Surely I would not be doing any of this if I was still drinking and drugging because, if I was still alive, I would certainly have no ambitions, positive relationships and perseverance to work through the daily demands of living life on life's terms. It's my faith in a Higher Power that has made this possible by giving me hope (Step Two) and strength (Step Eleven) to carry on.
So, I celebrate my achievements by blagging a little bit and know that you who read this are interested in my success and well-being. I am also very grateful for that and will carry this in my heart always.
All the best, Roger W.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Big Book Analysis...
![Alcoholics Anonymous - Big Book [ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS BIG B]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_uWpNAOjf7y6HU_xEcnTV5C1ul5Ja4xh0FMxnRnq1r9rG9wBt_yg-CHm8DqhwRoFe-FrxmAJvU1EBU8nEqDfbAGLNiwNQdH5YVZOoCpBVe1jMfIEVYh_at0ZqDmaOmjeLWYcsusbUoHSz5POTYa2ghaDS0_TWOSlLsf9tSbltg9YW9XJHLsDAomnq3ReV8EUGQQDEZZ0qf9fKiOsSobhR-LonjmjnZU=s0-d)
There are some people in the world who have made it their life's work to deconstruct the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous. Most have done this in a healthy way as an attempt to help people understand the levels of meaning that the book has and the myriad of ways to view the content that has helped millions of men and women recover from active alcoholism. And, while there are some who have done this as a way to discredit the book's value, the overwhelming number of commentaries on the book are positive attempts to provide a road map through the logic that the first 100 members of AA used to present their method of recovery.I have recently come to own one of these manuscripts that - although never published - is one of the finest examples of this process of fully explaining what the Big Book means and how AA was created. I'll use the name "Mr. Jones" as a reference for its author because I am unsure where this copy of the manuscript came from and do not want to compromise the source (the copyright on this copy may not have been honored in reproducing it and so long as it is not used for commercial profit I'm OK with owning it). Regardless, this is a wonderful, unedited version of how AA was created and the principles that undergird recovery through the 12 Steps.
Mr. Jones has a huge amount of inside information about the foundations of AA that must have come from years of painstaking research. He has a list of the "cast of characters" who were instrumental in creating AA - from Bill W. and Dr. Bob, through Drs. Carl Jung and Sam Shoemaker, to Philosopher William James and Ebby Thatcher (Bill's sponsor). Now, some of these names may not be familiar to the average reader, but they are all a part of what we know today as Alcoholics Anonymous having its roots in ideas about alcoholism that came from many other people before Bill W. and Dr. Bob. That's the way it is with many ideas that get to be a part of the mainstream culture - it builds upon what was already thought about by different people in different settings and comes together under one umbrella organization like AA.
There is a master timeline that shows the critical dates in AA development from the month that Ebby first carried the message of recovery to a still-drinking Bill W. in November, 1934, to the date of Dr. Bob's last drink on June 10, 1935 which is known as "Founder's Day" in AA. I did not realize that it only took four months from the time Bill W. first wrote out the 12 Steps on a yellow scratch pad in December 1938 at his home to the copies of the Big Book coming off the presses in April 1939. That's truly amazing.
Mr. Jones also has organized his commentary in a very helpful way. He chose to use the chapters of the Big Book itself as a way to organize his comments and interpretations of the chapter and paragraph meanings. So, one can find ideas about spirituality in "We Agnostics" and who the "alcoholic friend" who visited Bill was (Ebby Thatcher) in the forward to the Second Edition section.
But the best part of this manuscript is where Mr. Jones comments on the sections as ways to guide the reader through meaning that may have been intended by the 100 AA authors. There are just too many of these references in the 155-page manuscript to recount here. But, the reader should know that these commentaries obviously come from someone who knows the Big Book and AA very well from both intellectual and personal experience.
While I won't pretend to know everything that Mr. Jones knows about the Big Book and the founding of AA, I might be able to answer some of your questions about these matters thanks to having this manuscript. So, if you need answers to age-old questions that have been haunting you, drop me a line and I'll see what I can come up with.
Until then, all the best, Roger W.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Bill W. Film, The End...
We come now to the end of the film Bill W. and Lois made about the formation of AA that we have been running here as a serial. In a sense, it's too bad we cannot have more of him. However, there are other videos of Bill talking to groups, speaking on the Traditions of AA, and many audio tapes of his many addresses to large AA gatherings...you can find them through You Tube. Perhaps we can present some of them here. I think we cannot get enough of the written, video and audio accounts of the founders of this life-saving program.
In this clip, we conclude Lois's remarks about her thoughts and feelings when Bill was diagnosed and, most importantly, her feelings about her own situation with regard to Bill's alcoholism. We all know that her experience led to the formation of the Alanon movement that has helped countless spouses, siblings and friends touched by the disease come to grips with the need to care for themselves. This too is powerful material to see in the video. Bill concludes by taling about Dr. Shoemaker and the publication of the AA "Big Book" and what this has meant for him. When we last see him, he is broadly strolling his property in Bedford NY, off the screen and into history.
So, sit back and enjoy this last episode.
All the best, Roger W.
PS...Note that we now have buttons at the bottom of the posting that allow you to email or otherwise share this posting with others. I invite you to spread the word!
In this clip, we conclude Lois's remarks about her thoughts and feelings when Bill was diagnosed and, most importantly, her feelings about her own situation with regard to Bill's alcoholism. We all know that her experience led to the formation of the Alanon movement that has helped countless spouses, siblings and friends touched by the disease come to grips with the need to care for themselves. This too is powerful material to see in the video. Bill concludes by taling about Dr. Shoemaker and the publication of the AA "Big Book" and what this has meant for him. When we last see him, he is broadly strolling his property in Bedford NY, off the screen and into history.
So, sit back and enjoy this last episode.
All the best, Roger W.
PS...Note that we now have buttons at the bottom of the posting that allow you to email or otherwise share this posting with others. I invite you to spread the word!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Focus and Flow...
Although I am no expert on jazz, there are times when I enjoy the improvizational style of a quartet. It's fun to hear the well-played music and try to pick out a meolody from the notes. Some of the best ones sound as if the music that springs from the group had been written down long ago, even though the players are entirely making it all up as they go along.
It takes incredible focus for this to happen well. Each member has to be trully and deeply concentrating on the music that the others are playing and accommodate their own style and interpretation of the music to the collective "vision" of the quartet. Few people realize how hard this can be, but I'm not one of them. Largely because I am not a musician, I marvel at how four people can come together with four different instruments and make wonderful, unwritten music. It's all about focus, for sure, but even I who might focus on the music each instrument is playing, could not re-create the beauty of it. Even many musicians can't do that.
One of the reasons there is a struggle has to do with flow. There is a certain movement within the music and the players where they become so absorbed in the playing that the outside world almost ceases to exist. They come together, start off playing as if they are acutely aware of the other muscians and the notes they are playing, but then a magnificant thing happens...each of them stops concetnrating on notes and starts playing music. There's a big difference between the two processes.
If you have ever been so completely engrossed in what you are doing such that the time passes without you being aware, or the place you may be loses its significance, or the sights, sounds, smells and touch of everything has become a part of what you are doing at the moment, then you know what I mean. We get like this when we are doing our hobby, when we are intensely listening to another person speak, when we are emotionally connected to another person or an activity that shuts out all the rest of existence. Then, we are in the flow.
I have always been intrigued by something that is attirbuted to Einstein when he explained his theory of general relativity to a layman: Relativity is the difference between putting your hand on a hot stove for a second and it seems like an hour, and being with your girlfriend for an hour and it seems like a second. That's flow. We become so engrossed in the here and now-ness of an experience that we move with it all effortlessly. Just like a jazz quartet.
It is hard to get into the flow of life. Especially hard to get into and remain inside the flow of recovery in the early phases. One becomes so consumed with the details, the technique and the self-consciousness of what to do in recovery that they only play the notes ("talk the talk") and not the music ("walk the walk"). The 12 Step programs have a solution for that: It's called surrender. When I give myself up to the world - the good and the bad, the highs and the lows - I am surrending to the will of my Higher Power in my universe and this brings me almost immediately into flow. Today, there are times, when I am so engrossed in recovery that I not only don't think of using, but I move effortlessly through people, places, things, and situations with a focus and flow I thought I could never achieve.
Today, I play fewer notes of recovery and more of the music.
All the best, Roger W.
It takes incredible focus for this to happen well. Each member has to be trully and deeply concentrating on the music that the others are playing and accommodate their own style and interpretation of the music to the collective "vision" of the quartet. Few people realize how hard this can be, but I'm not one of them. Largely because I am not a musician, I marvel at how four people can come together with four different instruments and make wonderful, unwritten music. It's all about focus, for sure, but even I who might focus on the music each instrument is playing, could not re-create the beauty of it. Even many musicians can't do that.
One of the reasons there is a struggle has to do with flow. There is a certain movement within the music and the players where they become so absorbed in the playing that the outside world almost ceases to exist. They come together, start off playing as if they are acutely aware of the other muscians and the notes they are playing, but then a magnificant thing happens...each of them stops concetnrating on notes and starts playing music. There's a big difference between the two processes.
If you have ever been so completely engrossed in what you are doing such that the time passes without you being aware, or the place you may be loses its significance, or the sights, sounds, smells and touch of everything has become a part of what you are doing at the moment, then you know what I mean. We get like this when we are doing our hobby, when we are intensely listening to another person speak, when we are emotionally connected to another person or an activity that shuts out all the rest of existence. Then, we are in the flow.
I have always been intrigued by something that is attirbuted to Einstein when he explained his theory of general relativity to a layman: Relativity is the difference between putting your hand on a hot stove for a second and it seems like an hour, and being with your girlfriend for an hour and it seems like a second. That's flow. We become so engrossed in the here and now-ness of an experience that we move with it all effortlessly. Just like a jazz quartet.
It is hard to get into the flow of life. Especially hard to get into and remain inside the flow of recovery in the early phases. One becomes so consumed with the details, the technique and the self-consciousness of what to do in recovery that they only play the notes ("talk the talk") and not the music ("walk the walk"). The 12 Step programs have a solution for that: It's called surrender. When I give myself up to the world - the good and the bad, the highs and the lows - I am surrending to the will of my Higher Power in my universe and this brings me almost immediately into flow. Today, there are times, when I am so engrossed in recovery that I not only don't think of using, but I move effortlessly through people, places, things, and situations with a focus and flow I thought I could never achieve.
Today, I play fewer notes of recovery and more of the music.
All the best, Roger W.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Bill W Film #7...
Hi Folks...I'm now back from Ely MN now and working on the blog.
Here's another clip from the Bill W. film. Each time I see this I marvel at the fact that here we have, in his own words and images, the founder of the most successful alcoholism recovery method in the world talking about the first few days he got clean and sober. To me it's remarkable. It's like watching and hearing Jesus, Buddha, Yahweh, or Mohammed on film describing the religious foundations of their beliefs. Yes, it is THAT important to those of us in recovery to see and hear Bill W. talk about the creation of the AA program.
In this five minute clip, Bill speaks about the foundations of the AA program that lies with Dr. Carl Jung and his experiences with an alcoholic named Rowland - whose alcoholism therapy pointed the way toward the need for a spiritual transformation according to Jung. He also talks about his friend Ebby who came to visit him one day and how it changed his life, Dr. Silkworth who first wrote about the disease of addiction, and his wife Lois who talks about her own expriences with Bill and her recovery from co-dependency on his disease.
So, kick back and watch another segment of the facinating story about the founding of AA.
All the best, Roger W.
Here's another clip from the Bill W. film. Each time I see this I marvel at the fact that here we have, in his own words and images, the founder of the most successful alcoholism recovery method in the world talking about the first few days he got clean and sober. To me it's remarkable. It's like watching and hearing Jesus, Buddha, Yahweh, or Mohammed on film describing the religious foundations of their beliefs. Yes, it is THAT important to those of us in recovery to see and hear Bill W. talk about the creation of the AA program.
In this five minute clip, Bill speaks about the foundations of the AA program that lies with Dr. Carl Jung and his experiences with an alcoholic named Rowland - whose alcoholism therapy pointed the way toward the need for a spiritual transformation according to Jung. He also talks about his friend Ebby who came to visit him one day and how it changed his life, Dr. Silkworth who first wrote about the disease of addiction, and his wife Lois who talks about her own expriences with Bill and her recovery from co-dependency on his disease.
So, kick back and watch another segment of the facinating story about the founding of AA.
All the best, Roger W.
Monday, July 5, 2010
The power of a sunset, revisited
Yes, there's nothing quite like an Ely sunset. And, when you're sharing one with your best fishing buddy, Sam, it's even better.
Just kickin' back with a little fishin', readin', and computerin'!
All the best, Roger W.
Just kickin' back with a little fishin', readin', and computerin'!
All the best, Roger W.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
The power of a sunset...
I am now way up north near the Canadian border in a small town called Ely MN. You may have heard of Ely, for it was just voted the best little town in America to live and raise a family. Thanks to the generosity of my friends George and Mary Kay, I have been coming to Ely for the past several years and enjoy one of the truly best parts of being here...a richly warm and glowing sunset over White Iron Lake.
Each time I sit on the dock and watch this sunset I am reminded about how small we really are here on planet Earth. This is not a melancholy awareness of how infantisimal we are, but rather, an acute awareness of just how much universe there really is out there, and a real clear reminder of my place within it. Just when I think that my problems are collosal and that there is a near-catastrophe in everything that happens to me that I don't like, I see this sunset in my mind and get grounded very fast.
There are an estimated 100 billion stars in our universe spread out over 100 billion light years of distance, and scientists are just now getting a good handle on how these stars are formed on the frontier of that universe. They are able to "see" these stars form and quickly die and measure the radiation that emanates from the star's death. When I look out over the lake at the setting of our sun - a moderately sized star that is about half way through its life - I can't help but think of the certainty that there is some other galaxy out there that holds within it the same kind of conditions on planets similar to our own. In other words, I see in our star's setting over the horizon the glimmer of reality that someone, somewhere is watching their own star set over their horizon. With this awareness I find a kinship with creatures that may be very much like we humans who exist in their world very much the way I exist in mine - one of 6 billion people spinning through the heavens.
Of course, only a few years ago - really a blink in the scheme of things - I was ripping and running my way through the lives of other people in this world and could never appreciate the value of a setting sun. Sure, when you smoke certain drugs you get that "insight" that only seems to come from the altered consciousness the drugs induce in you. But, a sunset points out very nicely how that fraudulent insight was nothing compared to the insight about our life on Earth that can come from watching a sunset clean and sober. This experience today is so much more vibrant and real, so much more meaningful than any that can be generated by alcohol and other drugs. Today I am able to see myself as a part of some greater whole, some greater and ever-expanding entity that exists in our universe that can provide peace of mind. Some people call that Higher Power, and others call it God that is touched when you experience these things this way. Regardless what it is called, to be able to experience this means that I will not be tearing through other people's lives today like a tornado through a trailer park. No, instead, I will be peacefully sharing my thoughts and feelings about cosmic events that bind me with others who are also riding this planet.
No...my problems don't amount to much more than a hill of beans as Bogart told Bergman before she boarded that plane. Put into its proper place, my world gets to glow like that sun setting over the hills. Some people have called that serenity. And, so would I.
All the best, Roger W.
Each time I sit on the dock and watch this sunset I am reminded about how small we really are here on planet Earth. This is not a melancholy awareness of how infantisimal we are, but rather, an acute awareness of just how much universe there really is out there, and a real clear reminder of my place within it. Just when I think that my problems are collosal and that there is a near-catastrophe in everything that happens to me that I don't like, I see this sunset in my mind and get grounded very fast.
There are an estimated 100 billion stars in our universe spread out over 100 billion light years of distance, and scientists are just now getting a good handle on how these stars are formed on the frontier of that universe. They are able to "see" these stars form and quickly die and measure the radiation that emanates from the star's death. When I look out over the lake at the setting of our sun - a moderately sized star that is about half way through its life - I can't help but think of the certainty that there is some other galaxy out there that holds within it the same kind of conditions on planets similar to our own. In other words, I see in our star's setting over the horizon the glimmer of reality that someone, somewhere is watching their own star set over their horizon. With this awareness I find a kinship with creatures that may be very much like we humans who exist in their world very much the way I exist in mine - one of 6 billion people spinning through the heavens.
Of course, only a few years ago - really a blink in the scheme of things - I was ripping and running my way through the lives of other people in this world and could never appreciate the value of a setting sun. Sure, when you smoke certain drugs you get that "insight" that only seems to come from the altered consciousness the drugs induce in you. But, a sunset points out very nicely how that fraudulent insight was nothing compared to the insight about our life on Earth that can come from watching a sunset clean and sober. This experience today is so much more vibrant and real, so much more meaningful than any that can be generated by alcohol and other drugs. Today I am able to see myself as a part of some greater whole, some greater and ever-expanding entity that exists in our universe that can provide peace of mind. Some people call that Higher Power, and others call it God that is touched when you experience these things this way. Regardless what it is called, to be able to experience this means that I will not be tearing through other people's lives today like a tornado through a trailer park. No, instead, I will be peacefully sharing my thoughts and feelings about cosmic events that bind me with others who are also riding this planet.
No...my problems don't amount to much more than a hill of beans as Bogart told Bergman before she boarded that plane. Put into its proper place, my world gets to glow like that sun setting over the hills. Some people have called that serenity. And, so would I.
All the best, Roger W.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Pleasure Unwoven...
I'm not one to say, "I've seen it all", because I believe there is so much to learn out in this world that a person can hardly keep up with basic information about personal and professional subjects. However, I have seen a lot when it comes to the field of addictions, and I'm not often surprised by what I read or watch.
Recently something new did show up on the radar, and I was very surprised. It's a video that was produced by Dr. Kevin McCauley at the Institute for Addiction Study in Utah called, "Pleasure Unwoven" (you can find a copy at the Institute's webs site, http://www.pleasureunwoven.com/). I've attached a short segment of the video below just to give you a taste, but I pass the information along on where to get the video because I feel it is the most carefully prepared and easily understood explanation of what it means to be addicted to drugs that I have ever seen.
I believe it's true that more than 8 out of 10 people are touched by addiction. Either it is themselves who are addicted to people, places, things, or situations, or it is someone they know who is. In that case, it is really imperative that almost everyone come to know what is meant when professionals say that someone is addicted. Many of my friends and associates are confused about this matter. Given how some people who are addicted behave - with their selfish craving, lying, cheating and stealing to get their drugs, and near-brutal abuse of those around them - it is no wonder that even the most enlightened person will sometimes say, "Don't they know what is happening to them? Why don't they just stop?" Somehow, many people find that it is all well and good that modern science understands addictions to be a physical problem, but these same people cannot shake the fact that it still appears to be a moral failing in people who are addicted. Most often that's because many people believe that if we just look at addiction the way we look at other diseases, like diabetes or heart disease, then we will somehow be endorsing that addict's behavior and letting them off the hook.
Addiction is a disease. As Dr. McCauley says, "Addiction is a disease of choice", and it affects the most important organ in the human body...the brain. Addiction is a brain disease. "Pleasure Unwoven" is a fantastic look at that disease and how it can happen in a person, the natural course of the disease, and the usually fatal outcome. He does this in a wonderful way: He takes us for a tour of the magnificent Utah countryside and uses the natural wonder of it all as one giant prop to help explain how addiction works in the human brain. Clever, but also powerful. I have never seen it so simply and precisely explained before, and the video will - if you know a lot or very little about the disease - clarify everything.
If you are someone who knows someone with the disease of addiction, then you will want to watch this video. It will give you a picture of what you are dealing with when you interact with the brain of someone addicted to drugs, or behaviors, and it may be the most simple and effective way you will be able to know what to do when you are confronted by that addicted person.
All the best, Roger W.
Recently something new did show up on the radar, and I was very surprised. It's a video that was produced by Dr. Kevin McCauley at the Institute for Addiction Study in Utah called, "Pleasure Unwoven" (you can find a copy at the Institute's webs site, http://www.pleasureunwoven.com/). I've attached a short segment of the video below just to give you a taste, but I pass the information along on where to get the video because I feel it is the most carefully prepared and easily understood explanation of what it means to be addicted to drugs that I have ever seen.
I believe it's true that more than 8 out of 10 people are touched by addiction. Either it is themselves who are addicted to people, places, things, or situations, or it is someone they know who is. In that case, it is really imperative that almost everyone come to know what is meant when professionals say that someone is addicted. Many of my friends and associates are confused about this matter. Given how some people who are addicted behave - with their selfish craving, lying, cheating and stealing to get their drugs, and near-brutal abuse of those around them - it is no wonder that even the most enlightened person will sometimes say, "Don't they know what is happening to them? Why don't they just stop?" Somehow, many people find that it is all well and good that modern science understands addictions to be a physical problem, but these same people cannot shake the fact that it still appears to be a moral failing in people who are addicted. Most often that's because many people believe that if we just look at addiction the way we look at other diseases, like diabetes or heart disease, then we will somehow be endorsing that addict's behavior and letting them off the hook.
Addiction is a disease. As Dr. McCauley says, "Addiction is a disease of choice", and it affects the most important organ in the human body...the brain. Addiction is a brain disease. "Pleasure Unwoven" is a fantastic look at that disease and how it can happen in a person, the natural course of the disease, and the usually fatal outcome. He does this in a wonderful way: He takes us for a tour of the magnificent Utah countryside and uses the natural wonder of it all as one giant prop to help explain how addiction works in the human brain. Clever, but also powerful. I have never seen it so simply and precisely explained before, and the video will - if you know a lot or very little about the disease - clarify everything.
If you are someone who knows someone with the disease of addiction, then you will want to watch this video. It will give you a picture of what you are dealing with when you interact with the brain of someone addicted to drugs, or behaviors, and it may be the most simple and effective way you will be able to know what to do when you are confronted by that addicted person.
All the best, Roger W.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Dissertation update...
Many of you have asked me about the progress I'm making on my Ph.D. dissertation, so I thought it might be a good idea to explain where I am in this long, drawn out process.
My dissertation is entitled, "The Lived Experience of an Enduring Spiritual Transformation in the Everyday Lives of Alcoholic Men in Recovery". I'm going to study how 8-10 men who have been clean and sober for at least 5 years describe what it is like to live everyday with the effects of what was a spiritual transformation they have experienced at some point in their lives. It's a well-known fact - and certainly something that AA strongly emphasizes - that in order to remain clean and sober for any length of time, people need to have some form of fundamental change take place in their lives. Very often, this takes the form of some spiritual change...a visceral movement from the state of having little to no spirituality in daily life to having power that comes from a non-material source in a person's world. It is the movement from dark night of addiction to the light of recovery. It's this phenomenon that I will study.
Right now, I am preparing for the research itself. This takes the form of jumping through a number of hoops that the university makes me go through in order to do good research and have valuable results. I am working on the basic outline of the project right now with all the considerations from the purpose of the study through definitions of terms and ethical considerations. In a month or so I will start writing the actual proposal to the university that has to be approved by the Dean. They have already approved of the topic, but this proposal will review the entire scope of the research and receive their sign of approval. Later on it will be necessary to go through yet another phase where I need to get the approval of the Institutional Review Board, an organization of professors who try to ensure that no one is physically or psychologically injured as a result of the study and that all ethical guidelines have been met. Finally, sometime in the Fall or Winter, I need to get my committee of three professors to OK the work. THEN...I am ready to start the actual work of researching with participants. The final results ought to be available in the Summer of 2011. The dissertation itself will be written for several months. Then I need to defend the project with my committee who will finally sign off on it sometime before 2012.
Certainly it is a lot of work. But, I reason that I am into this whole thing so far right now that I couldn't drop it even if I wanted to. Besides, to me, this is fun! My friend George can't believe that anyone would be stupid enough to put up with this kind of schedule, and generally thinks I am out of my mind. Fact is, I know I'm out of my mind for all this, but I like being there and will put up with all these academic types telling me what to do and how to do it. After all, I want to get into their organization, called "Club Ph.D.", and they are not going to make it easy for me to get there, so I need to do the work.
"Keep your eyes on the prize" was the old civil rights slogan, and it certainly applies to a project as immense as this Ph.D. After all, there was a time in my life when I couldn't see myself fulfilling this kind of dream, so I am grateful for the chance to even be doing it. Compared to the Ph.D., the rest of my work life has been merely preparation for this degree...a tiny boat to keep me afloat. THIS project is my new, super-duper, ocean-going, brand-spanking-new cruise ship. And, I love it!
All the best, Roger W.
My dissertation is entitled, "The Lived Experience of an Enduring Spiritual Transformation in the Everyday Lives of Alcoholic Men in Recovery". I'm going to study how 8-10 men who have been clean and sober for at least 5 years describe what it is like to live everyday with the effects of what was a spiritual transformation they have experienced at some point in their lives. It's a well-known fact - and certainly something that AA strongly emphasizes - that in order to remain clean and sober for any length of time, people need to have some form of fundamental change take place in their lives. Very often, this takes the form of some spiritual change...a visceral movement from the state of having little to no spirituality in daily life to having power that comes from a non-material source in a person's world. It is the movement from dark night of addiction to the light of recovery. It's this phenomenon that I will study.
Right now, I am preparing for the research itself. This takes the form of jumping through a number of hoops that the university makes me go through in order to do good research and have valuable results. I am working on the basic outline of the project right now with all the considerations from the purpose of the study through definitions of terms and ethical considerations. In a month or so I will start writing the actual proposal to the university that has to be approved by the Dean. They have already approved of the topic, but this proposal will review the entire scope of the research and receive their sign of approval. Later on it will be necessary to go through yet another phase where I need to get the approval of the Institutional Review Board, an organization of professors who try to ensure that no one is physically or psychologically injured as a result of the study and that all ethical guidelines have been met. Finally, sometime in the Fall or Winter, I need to get my committee of three professors to OK the work. THEN...I am ready to start the actual work of researching with participants. The final results ought to be available in the Summer of 2011. The dissertation itself will be written for several months. Then I need to defend the project with my committee who will finally sign off on it sometime before 2012.
Certainly it is a lot of work. But, I reason that I am into this whole thing so far right now that I couldn't drop it even if I wanted to. Besides, to me, this is fun! My friend George can't believe that anyone would be stupid enough to put up with this kind of schedule, and generally thinks I am out of my mind. Fact is, I know I'm out of my mind for all this, but I like being there and will put up with all these academic types telling me what to do and how to do it. After all, I want to get into their organization, called "Club Ph.D.", and they are not going to make it easy for me to get there, so I need to do the work.
"Keep your eyes on the prize" was the old civil rights slogan, and it certainly applies to a project as immense as this Ph.D. After all, there was a time in my life when I couldn't see myself fulfilling this kind of dream, so I am grateful for the chance to even be doing it. Compared to the Ph.D., the rest of my work life has been merely preparation for this degree...a tiny boat to keep me afloat. THIS project is my new, super-duper, ocean-going, brand-spanking-new cruise ship. And, I love it!
All the best, Roger W.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Bill W Film #6...
It's time for another segment of the film Bill W. made shortly before his death about his story of recovery from active alcoholism. While Bill is often seen as a pompous and grandiose man who is often given to flowery language and an indirect style, we must keep in mind that this was a man raised at the turn of the last century in a classic New England town. Until he went to Europe in World War I, Bill had not been outside his native Vermont, and his narrow view of normal life was colored by the clipped speech and quirky mannerisms some old New Englanders had. So, by the time this film was made in the mid-20th century, Bill's character was deeply ingrained with not only a high degree of formality, but also some of the weariness that accompanies having survived near-death experiences several times in his life.
In this 6-minute clip, Bill talks about how Dr. Bob prepared for the last day he performed a surgery with the withdrawals stemming from a real alcohol-induced bender. He concludes it by talking about how he and Dr. Bob carried that first message of the hope for recovery to an alcoholic in a hospital bed, and how that man reacted to the two men whom he said, "Really know the score".
So, sit back and enjoy!
All the best, Roger W.
In this 6-minute clip, Bill talks about how Dr. Bob prepared for the last day he performed a surgery with the withdrawals stemming from a real alcohol-induced bender. He concludes it by talking about how he and Dr. Bob carried that first message of the hope for recovery to an alcoholic in a hospital bed, and how that man reacted to the two men whom he said, "Really know the score".
So, sit back and enjoy!
All the best, Roger W.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Back to Business...
Now that some of my family have left for home, it's time to get back to the basic routines and business of my life.
Activities of daily living can be boring at times. The rising, showering, shaving, and brushing the beard every morning can get old unless I remember that there was a time when I wouldn't do these things because of a deep depression. For quite a while during my drinking and drugging heyday I managed to keep things together. In fact, I seemed to always have work and needed to function in my daily life, so I tried to look good and take care of myself. But then, around the end, it became obvious I didn't care any more and gave up on taking care of myself. Oddly enough, when I got clean, psychological functioning didn't get better at first: In fact, I slumped even more into depression at the beginning of recovery and let myself go completely at times. I think of those days today when I am getting ready for work, grateful for having the chance to take care of myself and certainly grateful for having a job to go to that encourages me to do that.
Today's reading in NA's Just for Today reaffirms this. In "Old Dreams Needn't Die", the reading talks about how our dreams were dashed when we were using because we pursued pleasure at all cost and put our futures on hold. Recovery gives us the daily chance to renew our dreams. We find that "our lost dreams can still come true" when we practice recovering principles in our daily life, and we discover things about ourselves that we may not have known or appreciated. In my case, even coming late in recovery, I discovered the happiness that studying brought me and how pursuing my PhD gives me hope for a bright future. This is remarkable stuff indeed given how I squandered so much time ripping and running through my addicted lifestyle.
So, today, it's back to basics. It's renewing myself each day through activities of daily living that show the pride I have in myself and the constant pursuit of dreams that spur me on. This is all brought to me through the miracle of recovery in NA, my daily reprieve from the horrors of addiction. So long as I follow that way I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
Activities of daily living can be boring at times. The rising, showering, shaving, and brushing the beard every morning can get old unless I remember that there was a time when I wouldn't do these things because of a deep depression. For quite a while during my drinking and drugging heyday I managed to keep things together. In fact, I seemed to always have work and needed to function in my daily life, so I tried to look good and take care of myself. But then, around the end, it became obvious I didn't care any more and gave up on taking care of myself. Oddly enough, when I got clean, psychological functioning didn't get better at first: In fact, I slumped even more into depression at the beginning of recovery and let myself go completely at times. I think of those days today when I am getting ready for work, grateful for having the chance to take care of myself and certainly grateful for having a job to go to that encourages me to do that.
Today's reading in NA's Just for Today reaffirms this. In "Old Dreams Needn't Die", the reading talks about how our dreams were dashed when we were using because we pursued pleasure at all cost and put our futures on hold. Recovery gives us the daily chance to renew our dreams. We find that "our lost dreams can still come true" when we practice recovering principles in our daily life, and we discover things about ourselves that we may not have known or appreciated. In my case, even coming late in recovery, I discovered the happiness that studying brought me and how pursuing my PhD gives me hope for a bright future. This is remarkable stuff indeed given how I squandered so much time ripping and running through my addicted lifestyle.
So, today, it's back to basics. It's renewing myself each day through activities of daily living that show the pride I have in myself and the constant pursuit of dreams that spur me on. This is all brought to me through the miracle of recovery in NA, my daily reprieve from the horrors of addiction. So long as I follow that way I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Joyous day...
What a wonderful day this is. Rebecca, Jay, Jack (my daughter, so-in-law and first grandson)and my Mom came to visit me today. The first time my family has come out to the mid-West to spend time with me. Couldn't wait! This is a proud Grandfather's keepsake photo of Jack taken by his Mom shortly before the flight took off...looks like he'll be flying the plan soon.
I ran around getting the apartment organized and shopped for some food for them (I'm on the NutriSystem diet and have my own goodie boxes to eat). Just trying to make their stay comfortable. What a comfort to know Jay, an EMT, is on the trip with my Mom, who is a spry 85 and a real adventurer. He can take care of her in ways others couldn't. And, to have daughter Becca here with Jack is a real treat. It's the first time I will have seen him since he was born and I'm dying to wrap my arms around him. I already bought him his first Pooh Bear and a real nice Xylophone (to make sure there's plenty of noise in the apartment all the time). So there's lots of anticipation.
And, to think that all of this is possible because I am clean and sober today! Were it not for the program of recovery I have practiced for years now, I doubt Becca would be in my life and certainly I would never see Jack. And, my Mom would undoubtedly be heart broken by my continued use or death due to using. I'm grateful to Narcotics Anonymous and all my friends in the fellowship that help me stay clean.
So, this is a special day indeed for me, and we're lookin' to have some good ole fun for the next few days.
All the best, Roger W.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Bill W Film #5...
There are many rumors about Bill W.'s life. I won't mention them to avoid repeating the gossip here. But, there are a number of sites on the internet that are trumpeting these rumors or running information about his life that is unflattering in an attempt to discredit him and the AA program. I don't know why these people are doing this except, perhaps, because they are in denial about their own problems and this is a way to fortify themselves against the truth. Or, perhaps it's just the propensity for malicious gossip all people are tempted by that is the attraction. Nevertheless, seeing people run down Bill W. or the AA program can be painful to watch.
This is why this film I have been presenting here on The Happy Hour is so important to watch. Bill presents himself here with all his character defects, and literally throws open his life of near-death and insanity coupled with the miracle of recovery so people can see and hear first hand what it was like and how he changed. Sure, he's a bit pompous here, and he uses flowery language, but the essential message is one of recovery and how that was accomplished in one man's life. One cannot escape the idea that here is a film where the founder of the most successful, formal program of recovery for alcoholics in history is presenting the story of how it started. That is every bit as important as if Caesar had been caught on film describing the conquest of the world, Jesus had been filmed during the sermon on the mount, or Buddha was interviewed on CNN as he traveled throughout Asia. Lest you think I am exaggerating, keep in mind that this is one of the most difficult of all diseases to understand and treat, and conservative estimates of the number of people world wide who have stopped drinking due to the influence of the AA program is in the tens of millions.
So, sit back and relax as Bill takes us further along the journey of his recovery and the beginning of the AA program. This segment begins with his description of pacing in a hotel lobby in Akron OH on that fateful day when he could have either turned to the telephone to call for help or turned to the bar and relapsed. It concludes with Dr. Bob and his wife walking through the door on their first meeting to sit and talk about a process that would change the world.
All the best, Roger W.
This is why this film I have been presenting here on The Happy Hour is so important to watch. Bill presents himself here with all his character defects, and literally throws open his life of near-death and insanity coupled with the miracle of recovery so people can see and hear first hand what it was like and how he changed. Sure, he's a bit pompous here, and he uses flowery language, but the essential message is one of recovery and how that was accomplished in one man's life. One cannot escape the idea that here is a film where the founder of the most successful, formal program of recovery for alcoholics in history is presenting the story of how it started. That is every bit as important as if Caesar had been caught on film describing the conquest of the world, Jesus had been filmed during the sermon on the mount, or Buddha was interviewed on CNN as he traveled throughout Asia. Lest you think I am exaggerating, keep in mind that this is one of the most difficult of all diseases to understand and treat, and conservative estimates of the number of people world wide who have stopped drinking due to the influence of the AA program is in the tens of millions.
So, sit back and relax as Bill takes us further along the journey of his recovery and the beginning of the AA program. This segment begins with his description of pacing in a hotel lobby in Akron OH on that fateful day when he could have either turned to the telephone to call for help or turned to the bar and relapsed. It concludes with Dr. Bob and his wife walking through the door on their first meeting to sit and talk about a process that would change the world.
All the best, Roger W.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Pride in NA...
Over the past weekend, I had the chance to participate in a magnificent project for Narcotics Anonymous here in St Paul MN. I am the Chair of the Hospitals & Institutions Subcommittee (affectionately just known as H&I) of the local area NA group that brings meetings into facilities where recovering addicts cannot get out and go to regular NA meetings. We held a Learning Day last weekend and it blew my socks off!
More than 100 recovering addicts from the Twin Cities area took part in the process of learning ways and means to bring a message of recovery to addicts in hospitals and other institutions, like detox facilities or jails. Now this may not seem like a huge number to some folks outside the NA community, but it was the largest turnout for a Learning Day I have seen in more than 22 years of participating in H&I events like this. We in NA are notorious for not showing up for meetings despite the fact that virtually every NA member is involved with some form of service work to help fellow addicts. Morevoer, it wasn't as if these people who attended sat on their hands during the session. They were all deeply involved in the panel presentations, sharing that some addicts provided about experience, strength and hope found through H&I work, and small group discussions. At one point I got all misty eyed when watching recovering people work together to teach one another how to carry an effective message of recovery to the still-suffering addict.
Before 1953 addicts interested in recovery literally could not publicly gather together in halls and rooms because many of them had done things while using that attracted the authorities' attention. If they all came together for a public and well-known meeting, they exposed themselves to possible arrest. Then, in 1953 things started to change. Jimmy K started public meetings in Southern California that challenged the notion addicts could not be public about their recovery and their past. It was a miraculous and wonderful day when that first meeting took place among a handful of addicts in recovery.
I remembered that as I looked out on the sea of smiling faces at the Learning Day. Here we were, 100 addicts meeting in a well-publicized, public gathering to work on recovery. We were not under surveillance and threat. We were enjoying recovery and planning for the future. We, were NA.
All the best, Roger
More than 100 recovering addicts from the Twin Cities area took part in the process of learning ways and means to bring a message of recovery to addicts in hospitals and other institutions, like detox facilities or jails. Now this may not seem like a huge number to some folks outside the NA community, but it was the largest turnout for a Learning Day I have seen in more than 22 years of participating in H&I events like this. We in NA are notorious for not showing up for meetings despite the fact that virtually every NA member is involved with some form of service work to help fellow addicts. Morevoer, it wasn't as if these people who attended sat on their hands during the session. They were all deeply involved in the panel presentations, sharing that some addicts provided about experience, strength and hope found through H&I work, and small group discussions. At one point I got all misty eyed when watching recovering people work together to teach one another how to carry an effective message of recovery to the still-suffering addict.
Before 1953 addicts interested in recovery literally could not publicly gather together in halls and rooms because many of them had done things while using that attracted the authorities' attention. If they all came together for a public and well-known meeting, they exposed themselves to possible arrest. Then, in 1953 things started to change. Jimmy K started public meetings in Southern California that challenged the notion addicts could not be public about their recovery and their past. It was a miraculous and wonderful day when that first meeting took place among a handful of addicts in recovery.
I remembered that as I looked out on the sea of smiling faces at the Learning Day. Here we were, 100 addicts meeting in a well-publicized, public gathering to work on recovery. We were not under surveillance and threat. We were enjoying recovery and planning for the future. We, were NA.
All the best, Roger
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Bill W Film #4...
I finally found the 4th installment of the film Bill W and Lois made about his experience, strength and hope for recovery. It took a while, but, thanks to You Tube, we have it and are offering it to you here, on The Happy Hour.
The importance of this film cannot be over emphasized. Bill certainly had a way with words and some of the written wording and phrasing in the "Big Book" and the "12 and 12" is sometimes a little flowery and overly developed. That was just his way as the character defects of grandiosity and pomposity appear to creep into his writing every now and again. As a fellow New Englander, however, I recognize in his language a matter-of-fact and clipped way of presenting ideas that is relatively free of emotion and uncluttered by intellectual jargon. This film shows his true nature as a man who struggled mightily with addiction and had a colorful lifestyle to back it up. It also puts some flesh on the bare bones of the written legacy he left us. Here he gives us a picture of himself the way he truly was.
So, sit back and enjoy the latest in Bill's story of how it came to be that he discovered the power of one alcoholic helping another.
All the best, Roger W.
The importance of this film cannot be over emphasized. Bill certainly had a way with words and some of the written wording and phrasing in the "Big Book" and the "12 and 12" is sometimes a little flowery and overly developed. That was just his way as the character defects of grandiosity and pomposity appear to creep into his writing every now and again. As a fellow New Englander, however, I recognize in his language a matter-of-fact and clipped way of presenting ideas that is relatively free of emotion and uncluttered by intellectual jargon. This film shows his true nature as a man who struggled mightily with addiction and had a colorful lifestyle to back it up. It also puts some flesh on the bare bones of the written legacy he left us. Here he gives us a picture of himself the way he truly was.
So, sit back and enjoy the latest in Bill's story of how it came to be that he discovered the power of one alcoholic helping another.
All the best, Roger W.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Ramblings of my mind...
* Had to take a break from the blog in order to file some classroom work for my dissertation. Finding the administrative things I have to do for this study are boring and time consuming. It seems everyone on the planet has to review and approve of my dissertation. But, I'm sticking with it.
* There's a relatively new book out that may interest some folks... Fingerprints of God: The Search for the Science of Spirituality
It has to do with the biological facts about spirituality and experiences that we might categorize as mysterious that we have actual scientific evidence exists as naturally hard-wired circuitry in our brains. This kind of argument - that we are pre-disposed to be spiritual or even religious - has been around for a while, but this book gives some up-to-date evidence for the claim. It also talks about some people with amazingly powerful spiritual capacities. No necessarily reading for the beach, but it may give some useful perspective to your own spiritual journey.
* We who volunteer for Narcotics Anonymous's Hospital & Institutions work -sort of the local speaker's bureau for NA - are continuously amazed by how few recovering people actually give back to the recovering community the freely given hope they found to be able to stay clean and sober. H&I work is not for everyone, for sure. Some folks are just plain uncomfortable speaking before even a few fellow addicts who are suffering with the effects of the disease of addiction. But, many of us are astounded by how few seem to be really involved with carrying a message of hope for recovery to addicts still suffering.
* Another issue that amazes me in my work as an alcohol and drug counselor is how tenaciously some people hang onto character defects that are keeping them sick and thwarting their recovery. We sometimes want to not let go of the familiar ways of coping with stress of living. Moreover, these techniques we use to defend against pain are sometimes the very things that kept us alive. So it's no wonder that people in reocvery need to have a program that allows them the opportunity to have these defects removed. We recommend Steps 6 and 7 for the remedy:
Step 6 - We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Step 7 - Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.
These two steps are down the line a bit and newly recovering people ought not concern themselves with these for a while. But they are powerful weapons against drifting back to those dysfunctional attutides and behaviors that kept us in trouble for so long. When we have these defects reoved from our daily lives, we find that the things they were designed to protect us from also disappear...faith replaces fear, courage replaces cowardice, hope replaces despair, and honesty replaces lying.
All the best, Roger
* There's a relatively new book out that may interest some folks... Fingerprints of God: The Search for the Science of Spirituality
It has to do with the biological facts about spirituality and experiences that we might categorize as mysterious that we have actual scientific evidence exists as naturally hard-wired circuitry in our brains. This kind of argument - that we are pre-disposed to be spiritual or even religious - has been around for a while, but this book gives some up-to-date evidence for the claim. It also talks about some people with amazingly powerful spiritual capacities. No necessarily reading for the beach, but it may give some useful perspective to your own spiritual journey.* We who volunteer for Narcotics Anonymous's Hospital & Institutions work -sort of the local speaker's bureau for NA - are continuously amazed by how few recovering people actually give back to the recovering community the freely given hope they found to be able to stay clean and sober. H&I work is not for everyone, for sure. Some folks are just plain uncomfortable speaking before even a few fellow addicts who are suffering with the effects of the disease of addiction. But, many of us are astounded by how few seem to be really involved with carrying a message of hope for recovery to addicts still suffering.
* Another issue that amazes me in my work as an alcohol and drug counselor is how tenaciously some people hang onto character defects that are keeping them sick and thwarting their recovery. We sometimes want to not let go of the familiar ways of coping with stress of living. Moreover, these techniques we use to defend against pain are sometimes the very things that kept us alive. So it's no wonder that people in reocvery need to have a program that allows them the opportunity to have these defects removed. We recommend Steps 6 and 7 for the remedy:
Step 6 - We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Step 7 - Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.
These two steps are down the line a bit and newly recovering people ought not concern themselves with these for a while. But they are powerful weapons against drifting back to those dysfunctional attutides and behaviors that kept us in trouble for so long. When we have these defects reoved from our daily lives, we find that the things they were designed to protect us from also disappear...faith replaces fear, courage replaces cowardice, hope replaces despair, and honesty replaces lying.
All the best, Roger
Friday, May 7, 2010
The Foundation Principles of the Steps...
Somewhere in my ramblings through the literature on Alcoholics Anonymous I once ran across a Letter to the Editor of the AA Grapevine magazine from Bill W. He was answering a question a man had raised that has been on the minds of many people who are new to the program: "You say that I am to 'practice these principles in all my affairs', but exactly what are the principles I am supposed to practice?"
Bill responded very directly by listing out what he said were the foundational principles that he and others used to create the 12 Step Program::
Step One - Honesty
Step Two - Hope
Step Three - Faith
Step Four - Courage
Step Five - Integrity
Step Six - Willingness
Step Seven - Humility
Step Eight - Love
Step Nine - Perseverance
Step Ten - Discipline
Step Eleven - The Presence of God
Step Twelve - Service
When I first stumbled onto this, I marveled at the simplicity of the AA program. However, I also wondered why each of these specific principles was used as the guiding force for each step. Then it suddenly struck me like lightening about how this program was assembled, and my life hasn't been the same since.
When I used to get my drugs, it was clear that I had to give some dealer or bartender money for the drugs. That process I understood real well...it was a business deal: I give you what you want, you give me what I want. It wasn't until I did the Step Four inventory of my life that I realized that I had given up much more than just money in the transaction. In fact, each time I got my drugs, I gave the drug connection the principles that made my life worth living. I gave the dealer or bartender my honesty, hope, faith, integrity, self-respect, dignity and a host of other principles that I thought I lived by. In truth, the deal stripped me of all value in my life and left me a hollow shell of a man without any of the principles that made my life worthwhile.
The founders of AA who huddled around kitchen tables in Akron Ohio 70 years ago had the same experience I had... they traded the values in their lives for alcohol and other drugs. So, when they sat down to create the program, I think they asked themselves very simply, "Exactly what is it that I have to recover in my life in order to stop drinking?" The answer, was simple: Principles. They recognized that they needed to recover their lost principles if they were to have any hope of stopping the whirlpool spiral of their lives that was killing them all. So, I think Bill and the others first sat down and listed out what were those lost principles, rank ordered them according to which they thought they first needed to recover, and then created the method in each step that would lead to recovering that principle.
We often say that these people were inspired and there is no better example of this than the idea of restoring principles worked. First they got honest, and from that they found a new source of hope, and made a decision to practice faith in that power source. From those few simple steps and principles, they report to us decades later that they were able to build other principles back into their lives. Having a life that had been restored because these principles returned meant that there was no need to use alcohol or other drugs. And, from these first few principles sprang an entire life of renewed values that became a part of what we call recovery.
This realization had a profound effect on my life. It wasn't long after I stopped using before I was challenged to "place principles before personalities" as the program says. For various reasons involving work and family, I had decisions to make as to whether I was going to have principles in my life or whether I was going to exchange those principles for the quick fix of power, security, money, or alcohol and other drugs. It is a miracle that I chose the right thing because in the beginning I was only armed with honesty, hope and faith and had little else in my life. But, from those few, literally dozens of other values and principles have flowed into my life. I am eternally grateful to those men and women who started this program and who have taught me a new way to live.
All the best, Roger W.
Bill responded very directly by listing out what he said were the foundational principles that he and others used to create the 12 Step Program::
Step One - Honesty
Step Two - Hope
Step Three - Faith
Step Four - Courage
Step Five - Integrity
Step Six - Willingness
Step Seven - Humility
Step Eight - Love
Step Nine - Perseverance
Step Ten - Discipline
Step Eleven - The Presence of God
Step Twelve - Service
When I first stumbled onto this, I marveled at the simplicity of the AA program. However, I also wondered why each of these specific principles was used as the guiding force for each step. Then it suddenly struck me like lightening about how this program was assembled, and my life hasn't been the same since.
When I used to get my drugs, it was clear that I had to give some dealer or bartender money for the drugs. That process I understood real well...it was a business deal: I give you what you want, you give me what I want. It wasn't until I did the Step Four inventory of my life that I realized that I had given up much more than just money in the transaction. In fact, each time I got my drugs, I gave the drug connection the principles that made my life worth living. I gave the dealer or bartender my honesty, hope, faith, integrity, self-respect, dignity and a host of other principles that I thought I lived by. In truth, the deal stripped me of all value in my life and left me a hollow shell of a man without any of the principles that made my life worthwhile.
The founders of AA who huddled around kitchen tables in Akron Ohio 70 years ago had the same experience I had... they traded the values in their lives for alcohol and other drugs. So, when they sat down to create the program, I think they asked themselves very simply, "Exactly what is it that I have to recover in my life in order to stop drinking?" The answer, was simple: Principles. They recognized that they needed to recover their lost principles if they were to have any hope of stopping the whirlpool spiral of their lives that was killing them all. So, I think Bill and the others first sat down and listed out what were those lost principles, rank ordered them according to which they thought they first needed to recover, and then created the method in each step that would lead to recovering that principle.
We often say that these people were inspired and there is no better example of this than the idea of restoring principles worked. First they got honest, and from that they found a new source of hope, and made a decision to practice faith in that power source. From those few simple steps and principles, they report to us decades later that they were able to build other principles back into their lives. Having a life that had been restored because these principles returned meant that there was no need to use alcohol or other drugs. And, from these first few principles sprang an entire life of renewed values that became a part of what we call recovery.
This realization had a profound effect on my life. It wasn't long after I stopped using before I was challenged to "place principles before personalities" as the program says. For various reasons involving work and family, I had decisions to make as to whether I was going to have principles in my life or whether I was going to exchange those principles for the quick fix of power, security, money, or alcohol and other drugs. It is a miracle that I chose the right thing because in the beginning I was only armed with honesty, hope and faith and had little else in my life. But, from those few, literally dozens of other values and principles have flowed into my life. I am eternally grateful to those men and women who started this program and who have taught me a new way to live.
All the best, Roger W.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Bill W's Film #3...
It's with a great deal of pleasure that The Happy Hour bring you the next installment of Bill W.'s personal story of recovery in his own voice on video. This series is no hard to find on the internet, but having it be a part of our discourse here is very special. I think it solidifes the ideas behind what The Happy Hour is trying to present - a place where you can find worthwhile information about recovery from addictive disease and share in the joys of recovery.
So sit back and relax and pick up the story where Bill is talking about having met with his friend Ebby and discusses his friend Rowland's recovery with Dr. Jung.
All the best, Roger W.
So sit back and relax and pick up the story where Bill is talking about having met with his friend Ebby and discusses his friend Rowland's recovery with Dr. Jung.
All the best, Roger W.
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