My life has been hectic these past two weeks, but not so busy as to not feel the impact of a power greater than myself in my life. Whenever things get overwhelming there is a tendency for me to be too present, too focused on detail, and too compulsive with what I do on a daily basis. It sometimes leads to me missing that forest because all I see are the trees in my life.
This has been this way ever since I accepted that position teaching a Psychology course at a local college. I've had plenty of tasks to do each day that a teacher must do in order to prepare for lectures and attend to administrative requirements, and I have also had my dissertation proposal to write and my work. Sorting out what to do next can be a little sketchy as these three things press against my schedule. Yet, throughout it all, I have been strangely calm and consistent (OK...sure! I have occasionally cursed someone on the highway, or murmured to myself about the task at hand), but, I've kept my cool.
The thing that allows me to do so is my faith. Faith in a Higher Power in my life is still difficult for me to talk about in public - or even use the name "God" to describe it -, but I know it exists for me and empowers me to even discuss it in this space. I had been so long without a avowed faith that I sometimes feel uneasy talking about it for fear that it is not how I really feel but only a fantasy I have constructed because I was told it is necessary in order to recover from addiction. I had been so successful in lying to myself and everyone else around me for so long that I truly question my own thoughts and beliefs these days and put them through a reality check filter in order to make sure they are real. I think a lot of people in recovery do this. The reason for it is there is always some residual guilt for having squandered years turning our backs on the faith we had been given, and now, in recovery, feel uneasy thinking the faith is still there and for us.
But, there is a larger problem that plagues me about recognizing and affirming my faith: I had been taught for many years about the many people (philosophers and scientists) who had made detailed and powerful arguments against the existence of a God in this universe. Skepticism about faith in God came natural to me as I read many books that argued there cannot be any entity beyond that we can perceive with our senses, and the rest is made up of the fantasy that humans must create about a God in order to answer ancient questions about our existence and the chances of life after this life. There is a natural fear and worry about the future and what happens after our death that religious organizations have capitalized on throughout history in order to help people understand about the pain of this existence. But, often these systems themselves become problems that induce unhappy feelings in people.
I was raised a Roman Catholic and there is a certain quality about being Catholic that can permeate every fiber of your being. This quality is one of guilt and shame for being human (Original Sin is the hallmark of this), and the pain these two pillars of the Church's theology inflict can last a lifetime. There are many eminent people who have criticized the Church for this insistence on making human's everywhere feel they are the one's who nailed Christ to that cross, and the thinkers have usually gone on to form their own religious organizations as a way to support their thinking. I was one who turned away from the Church at a young age because I didn't like feeling ashamed of something I did not do. But, when I did, I found myself always teetering on the brink of a great hole into which I was always about to fall...some emptiness in which I was utterly alone in the universe and beyond hope. That had been a very painful place to be for more than 25 years before I found my spiritual footing again through the 12 Step program of Narcotics Anonymous.
Today, I know I can give myself permission to turn away from the hurtful dogma of some religious organizations and turn toward the soothing comfort of a program built upon a spiritual foundation that allows me to use my own understanding of God. I know it is alright for me to pray for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. I see how just knowing this can give me peace and comfort in my daily life that sometimes seems chaotic and unpredictable. Just feeling this deeply within my heart and not just thinking about it in my head is oftentimes enough to carry me through the day. And, I know that so long as a continue to feel this way I will forever more be guided toward what is right for me. Great confidence comes over me when I think this way, and it seems as if anything can be accomplished, nothing can stand in my way, and I will be safe throughout it all. I think it is that which keeps me going and growing, and I am eternally grateful to God for giving me a chance to have a second peek at true happiness and hope.
All the best, Roger W.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Doing too much...
The headline photograph shown in the title above was taken by me during a rare vacation last Spring to Lutsen, Minnesota. Lutsen is the closest thing we have here in Minnesota to ski country, and being in the resort town for a few days in the off season was very interesting for me. Along the shores of Lake Superior I learned a lot about myself...but, perhaps not enough.
I struggled with things to do for the several days I was there. It's quite a remote area and there are no usual places to go and see. In fact, it's a lazy place with skiing being the chief recreation in the area and not much else except some mighty fine dining at the Lutsen Lodge where I was staying. There's a casino nearby, but I'm not much into gambling and a casual walk through the smoked-filled rooms reeking with the foul odor of smoke and too many people was enough for the 20-minute tour. Internet activity was spotty and cell phones rarely worked. So, for all practical purposes I was left to myself to figure out how to enjoy "me". It didn't work out so well.
I had brought along a new, old-fashioned film camera I bought through a yard sale, and thought I might be very active with making photographs on the trip. In fact, I only made a roll of what I considered marginally good pictures of the scenery and people there. One of them was the photograph above which is clearly the pick of the litter. I seemed to always be in too much of a hurry to go nowhere and twice passed by Split Rock Lighthouse in favor of staying on-the-road and "ahead of the traffic" (that was really non-existent) where I could have made some stock photographs. Frankly, I was so consumed by the difficulty of being by myself that I could barely make any pictures, so my dreams with this camera were dashed almost from the start.
There is a book that continually amazes me with its accuracy in summing up the way I truly am called "Meditations for Men Who Do Too Much". This is a small book with big meaning. Each day, the meditation it recommends seems to drive home the point that I am generally so busy occupying my time that I sometimes lose myself in the shuffle of a daily life spent pressing my self against my "envelope". On one of the days I was in Lutsen, the message was, "So many of us run and run, always looking for the answer, the tonic, and compulsively looking beyond what is in front of us." Man...I hated reading that then and still hate it now, for it is a true and accurate accounting of my life that can be compulsive and always looking toward a future that may not exist.
But, having faith that the meditation book is going to help me, I read it a lot, and today's entry is as powerful for me as the one in March: "It isn't necessary to be endlessly happy. Happiness can be a distortion, another drug to take. What may be more important than happiness is finding a sense of balance." That is so true for me that I believe recent choices I have made may be a mistake that I now feel myself locked into.
Last week, I was offered a teaching position at a local college. It has always been a dream of mine to teach college students, and I leapt at the opportunity. Now, seeing all the work involved - work that will rob time from my Ph.D. studies - I am having second thoughts. But, I am locked in and they are now depending on me to deliver a quality educational experience for 50 students next week. Yet, with the new commitment I feel myself grossly out of balance because of a desperate need to experience happiness that I feel I have always desired. And, being out of balance may effect me more deeply than I had thought when I accepted the teaching position.
So, here I stand, with the burden of three major commitments in my life, work, Ph.D. study and now collegiate teaching, that will push the envelope of my capacities. I am clearly doing too much. Somehow I have rationalized this to conclude that I can do it. I have good time management skills and will desperately need them to have a schedule that will make all three be high-quality performances for my boss, my Ph.D. committee and my students. To pull this off I will need the strength that will come from faith that I can do it. Today, I get that strength from a program of recovery that helps me through each day. One of the places that help comes from is a another book, "Twenty-Four Hours A Day", that also has meditations. Today's is, "I pray that I may be a part of a unified group. I pray that I may contribute my share to its consecrated purpose."
Clearly, I need to get to a meeting of my 12 Step group. I need to contribute to a process designed to get me out of myself and my own head and share with others the experience, strength and hope I have that my life will survive even the most punishing schedule I can put it through. And, just as clearly am I told here that my ultimate happiness is a part of the group process that helps me stay clean and sober today.
For, that is in the balance. I need to remain clean and sober throughout all this and should I not find the balance that comes from sharing and caring with others in recovery, I may never get to enjoy the fruits of my labor...I'll be loaded. "Just for today, I will have a program and try to practice it to be best of my ability", the NA text says. It's time for me to do that. So, long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
I struggled with things to do for the several days I was there. It's quite a remote area and there are no usual places to go and see. In fact, it's a lazy place with skiing being the chief recreation in the area and not much else except some mighty fine dining at the Lutsen Lodge where I was staying. There's a casino nearby, but I'm not much into gambling and a casual walk through the smoked-filled rooms reeking with the foul odor of smoke and too many people was enough for the 20-minute tour. Internet activity was spotty and cell phones rarely worked. So, for all practical purposes I was left to myself to figure out how to enjoy "me". It didn't work out so well.
I had brought along a new, old-fashioned film camera I bought through a yard sale, and thought I might be very active with making photographs on the trip. In fact, I only made a roll of what I considered marginally good pictures of the scenery and people there. One of them was the photograph above which is clearly the pick of the litter. I seemed to always be in too much of a hurry to go nowhere and twice passed by Split Rock Lighthouse in favor of staying on-the-road and "ahead of the traffic" (that was really non-existent) where I could have made some stock photographs. Frankly, I was so consumed by the difficulty of being by myself that I could barely make any pictures, so my dreams with this camera were dashed almost from the start.
There is a book that continually amazes me with its accuracy in summing up the way I truly am called "Meditations for Men Who Do Too Much". This is a small book with big meaning. Each day, the meditation it recommends seems to drive home the point that I am generally so busy occupying my time that I sometimes lose myself in the shuffle of a daily life spent pressing my self against my "envelope". On one of the days I was in Lutsen, the message was, "So many of us run and run, always looking for the answer, the tonic, and compulsively looking beyond what is in front of us." Man...I hated reading that then and still hate it now, for it is a true and accurate accounting of my life that can be compulsive and always looking toward a future that may not exist.
But, having faith that the meditation book is going to help me, I read it a lot, and today's entry is as powerful for me as the one in March: "It isn't necessary to be endlessly happy. Happiness can be a distortion, another drug to take. What may be more important than happiness is finding a sense of balance." That is so true for me that I believe recent choices I have made may be a mistake that I now feel myself locked into.
Last week, I was offered a teaching position at a local college. It has always been a dream of mine to teach college students, and I leapt at the opportunity. Now, seeing all the work involved - work that will rob time from my Ph.D. studies - I am having second thoughts. But, I am locked in and they are now depending on me to deliver a quality educational experience for 50 students next week. Yet, with the new commitment I feel myself grossly out of balance because of a desperate need to experience happiness that I feel I have always desired. And, being out of balance may effect me more deeply than I had thought when I accepted the teaching position.
So, here I stand, with the burden of three major commitments in my life, work, Ph.D. study and now collegiate teaching, that will push the envelope of my capacities. I am clearly doing too much. Somehow I have rationalized this to conclude that I can do it. I have good time management skills and will desperately need them to have a schedule that will make all three be high-quality performances for my boss, my Ph.D. committee and my students. To pull this off I will need the strength that will come from faith that I can do it. Today, I get that strength from a program of recovery that helps me through each day. One of the places that help comes from is a another book, "Twenty-Four Hours A Day", that also has meditations. Today's is, "I pray that I may be a part of a unified group. I pray that I may contribute my share to its consecrated purpose."
Clearly, I need to get to a meeting of my 12 Step group. I need to contribute to a process designed to get me out of myself and my own head and share with others the experience, strength and hope I have that my life will survive even the most punishing schedule I can put it through. And, just as clearly am I told here that my ultimate happiness is a part of the group process that helps me stay clean and sober today.
For, that is in the balance. I need to remain clean and sober throughout all this and should I not find the balance that comes from sharing and caring with others in recovery, I may never get to enjoy the fruits of my labor...I'll be loaded. "Just for today, I will have a program and try to practice it to be best of my ability", the NA text says. It's time for me to do that. So, long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Blagging...
There's terrific news on my home front as I found out last Friday that I have been given an Adjunct Professorship at the Minneapolis Community & Technical College. I thought I'd do a little bragging on my blog (blagging as my friend George coined it) to celebrate.
"Who'd a thunk it!" as my friend Mary Kay said when told the news. And, she's right...who would've believed just 4 years ago that I would be teaching at the collegiate level? Not me, for sure. It's always been a dream, of course, to teach college students about Psychology, but I frankly didn't think I would have a shot at it until I finished up the Ph.D. two years from now. But, here I am, going into the classroom with 50 students on August 23rd. Amazing.
It's always been true for me that you have to be careful what you wish for in recovery. You're liable to get it, and you have to make sure that it's something that you really want. This has held true for me several times: When I got a job as a French chef at a 4-star restaurant in Boston at age 53, when I got a job working with adolescent drug addicts at a world-renowned drug treatment facility when I was 58, and when I get a job teaching college students at 63. I truly believe that anyone can do anything they set their minds to do at any age. The recipe is simple: The chief ingredient is passion for the work, mixed together with preparation through learning either in school or on-the-job, a level of enthusiasm for the position, and a dash of good luck to be in the right place when the need arises.
These times always beg for a reflective attitude, and I can only offer extreme gratitude to my Higher Power I found in recovery as the main feeling I have at the moment. There are parts of me that feel as if I don't deserve this kind of favorable treatment in the world (has been a lingering character defect not yet removed by my Step Seven prayers), and I struggle to accept good things without waiting for the other shoe to drop. So there is more than a little worry about performing well on the job and carrying through with the dream without somehow screwing it up. But, at the end of the day I realize that I do warrant this kind of favorable and serendipitous activity in my life largely because of the hard work I put into fulfilling my purpose in life and staying clean and sober. Surely I would not be doing any of this if I was still drinking and drugging because, if I was still alive, I would certainly have no ambitions, positive relationships and perseverance to work through the daily demands of living life on life's terms. It's my faith in a Higher Power that has made this possible by giving me hope (Step Two) and strength (Step Eleven) to carry on.
So, I celebrate my achievements by blagging a little bit and know that you who read this are interested in my success and well-being. I am also very grateful for that and will carry this in my heart always.
All the best, Roger W.
"Who'd a thunk it!" as my friend Mary Kay said when told the news. And, she's right...who would've believed just 4 years ago that I would be teaching at the collegiate level? Not me, for sure. It's always been a dream, of course, to teach college students about Psychology, but I frankly didn't think I would have a shot at it until I finished up the Ph.D. two years from now. But, here I am, going into the classroom with 50 students on August 23rd. Amazing.
It's always been true for me that you have to be careful what you wish for in recovery. You're liable to get it, and you have to make sure that it's something that you really want. This has held true for me several times: When I got a job as a French chef at a 4-star restaurant in Boston at age 53, when I got a job working with adolescent drug addicts at a world-renowned drug treatment facility when I was 58, and when I get a job teaching college students at 63. I truly believe that anyone can do anything they set their minds to do at any age. The recipe is simple: The chief ingredient is passion for the work, mixed together with preparation through learning either in school or on-the-job, a level of enthusiasm for the position, and a dash of good luck to be in the right place when the need arises.
These times always beg for a reflective attitude, and I can only offer extreme gratitude to my Higher Power I found in recovery as the main feeling I have at the moment. There are parts of me that feel as if I don't deserve this kind of favorable treatment in the world (has been a lingering character defect not yet removed by my Step Seven prayers), and I struggle to accept good things without waiting for the other shoe to drop. So there is more than a little worry about performing well on the job and carrying through with the dream without somehow screwing it up. But, at the end of the day I realize that I do warrant this kind of favorable and serendipitous activity in my life largely because of the hard work I put into fulfilling my purpose in life and staying clean and sober. Surely I would not be doing any of this if I was still drinking and drugging because, if I was still alive, I would certainly have no ambitions, positive relationships and perseverance to work through the daily demands of living life on life's terms. It's my faith in a Higher Power that has made this possible by giving me hope (Step Two) and strength (Step Eleven) to carry on.
So, I celebrate my achievements by blagging a little bit and know that you who read this are interested in my success and well-being. I am also very grateful for that and will carry this in my heart always.
All the best, Roger W.
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