My life has been hectic these past two weeks, but not so busy as to not feel the impact of a power greater than myself in my life. Whenever things get overwhelming there is a tendency for me to be too present, too focused on detail, and too compulsive with what I do on a daily basis. It sometimes leads to me missing that forest because all I see are the trees in my life.
This has been this way ever since I accepted that position teaching a Psychology course at a local college. I've had plenty of tasks to do each day that a teacher must do in order to prepare for lectures and attend to administrative requirements, and I have also had my dissertation proposal to write and my work. Sorting out what to do next can be a little sketchy as these three things press against my schedule. Yet, throughout it all, I have been strangely calm and consistent (OK...sure! I have occasionally cursed someone on the highway, or murmured to myself about the task at hand), but, I've kept my cool.
The thing that allows me to do so is my faith. Faith in a Higher Power in my life is still difficult for me to talk about in public - or even use the name "God" to describe it -, but I know it exists for me and empowers me to even discuss it in this space. I had been so long without a avowed faith that I sometimes feel uneasy talking about it for fear that it is not how I really feel but only a fantasy I have constructed because I was told it is necessary in order to recover from addiction. I had been so successful in lying to myself and everyone else around me for so long that I truly question my own thoughts and beliefs these days and put them through a reality check filter in order to make sure they are real. I think a lot of people in recovery do this. The reason for it is there is always some residual guilt for having squandered years turning our backs on the faith we had been given, and now, in recovery, feel uneasy thinking the faith is still there and for us.
But, there is a larger problem that plagues me about recognizing and affirming my faith: I had been taught for many years about the many people (philosophers and scientists) who had made detailed and powerful arguments against the existence of a God in this universe. Skepticism about faith in God came natural to me as I read many books that argued there cannot be any entity beyond that we can perceive with our senses, and the rest is made up of the fantasy that humans must create about a God in order to answer ancient questions about our existence and the chances of life after this life. There is a natural fear and worry about the future and what happens after our death that religious organizations have capitalized on throughout history in order to help people understand about the pain of this existence. But, often these systems themselves become problems that induce unhappy feelings in people.
I was raised a Roman Catholic and there is a certain quality about being Catholic that can permeate every fiber of your being. This quality is one of guilt and shame for being human (Original Sin is the hallmark of this), and the pain these two pillars of the Church's theology inflict can last a lifetime. There are many eminent people who have criticized the Church for this insistence on making human's everywhere feel they are the one's who nailed Christ to that cross, and the thinkers have usually gone on to form their own religious organizations as a way to support their thinking. I was one who turned away from the Church at a young age because I didn't like feeling ashamed of something I did not do. But, when I did, I found myself always teetering on the brink of a great hole into which I was always about to fall...some emptiness in which I was utterly alone in the universe and beyond hope. That had been a very painful place to be for more than 25 years before I found my spiritual footing again through the 12 Step program of Narcotics Anonymous.
Today, I know I can give myself permission to turn away from the hurtful dogma of some religious organizations and turn toward the soothing comfort of a program built upon a spiritual foundation that allows me to use my own understanding of God. I know it is alright for me to pray for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. I see how just knowing this can give me peace and comfort in my daily life that sometimes seems chaotic and unpredictable. Just feeling this deeply within my heart and not just thinking about it in my head is oftentimes enough to carry me through the day. And, I know that so long as a continue to feel this way I will forever more be guided toward what is right for me. Great confidence comes over me when I think this way, and it seems as if anything can be accomplished, nothing can stand in my way, and I will be safe throughout it all. I think it is that which keeps me going and growing, and I am eternally grateful to God for giving me a chance to have a second peek at true happiness and hope.
All the best, Roger W.
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