Letting go of control...

Today's reading in Twenty-Four Hours A Day makes some great points about the benefits of letting go of the need to control everything in life.

It essentially says that my way of doing things had not worked very for many years, and that true peace of mind can come from "submitting to God." Now, that was a phrase that used to send me into orbit. I was someone who never wanted to accept the fact that it was God's world and the laws of nature in that world generally dictated the course of action in anyone's life. Rather, I wanted to believe that I was really powerful enough to turn events to my liking and make the forces of the universe submit to my bidding. No, there was nothing in this world that was going to tell me that I had to bend a knee to some "god," especially the one that I was taught to fear as a child. After all, I used to reason, hadn't God either ignored me for most of my life, or, even worse, possibly punished me for the "wrongs" I had done? And, could it be that God was behind all those nasty things that had happened to me to hurt me both physically and emotionally? "No way," I used to say..."you're not going to get me to submit to anything, much less a God I'm really angry at."

A few years after I got sober that all changed. I realized that this need to control had a real hold on me. Like today's reading says, pride, selfishness and fear all held me back from achieving the kinds of things I wanted to do in my lifetime. My fierce independence was really an anchor holding me in place. I had no idea when I was getting drunk that a new, better life could release me from this bondage and give me peace and serenity. But, today I know it's true: By letting go I actually gained control. Here's how that happened.

I have a concept of a Higher Power - I call God - that follows closely what Rabbi Harold Kushner developed in his book When Bad Things Happen to Good People. It's a terrific little book about faith and how it developed in a man who was angry at God for his young son's disease that eventually killed him. He made the point that perhaps God, as we humans traditionally think about God, is not as all-powerful and all-knowing as we make God out to be. Rather, perhaps this God, after creating a universe that is built on human free will and the laws of nature, lost control of the world because mankind was free to behave any way it thought was right. So, Kushner reasoned, instead of God being an entity that we think can control outcomes in our lives, we might be better off thinking that God really suffers alongside us when things occur that are painful, confusing, deadly or horrible. This presence of a very powerful being, a God that is with us throughout our suffering, gives us peace of mind because we realize that if God can't control the outcomes in the universe then I am relieved of the burden to think I either need to or can control things all by myself. Here we are, frequently in the midst of suffering, and we get the strength knowing that we will eventually survive terrible pain simply because God is with us throughout it. This belief spurs us on and gives us hope for the future.

This notion works no matter what happens in our life. It is a comforting notion. It means I am eventually not alone with my suffering, that God is with me, and I am fortified knowing that God can no more change the course of events that are happening than I can. What we sometimes think and pray for as miracles that might happen are really the forces of nature around us that might occur and change the course of what seems to be certain danger or hardship. But, since I don't base my life on the expectation of miracles, it is reassuring to know that there is a God of my understanding that works alongside me to help me cope. 

This means that we can have a clear spiritual consciousness of a God of our understanding and not compromise our ability to make decisions for ourselves or otherwise exercise free will. After all, we have to live in the world and successfully adapt to its needs. This consciousness is also entirely consistent with my Buddhist practice that concentrates on mindfulness of my reality, the oneness of the universe and the spirit of the Buddha that transcends everyday living.

I have come to see that my faith in God this way actually makes it not only possible for me to function in the world, but also do it with much greater peace of mind and comfort than I had when I was getting drunk.

All the best,

Roger W.

Random thoughts today...

*   I'm a little worried by stepping a bit outside the boundaries of what this blog is supposed to be about - addiction and recovery - into the world of gun control that I have alienated and confused readers. I have strong feelings about the subject, but I don't want that to detract from the stronger feelings I have about  recovery. I was trying to make a connection to addiction and, while I think that was made, it's a stretch into the great unknown when it comes to special kinds of addiction like power. I feel the need to recommit myself to AA's beautiful policy of eschewing any comments on "outside issues" and sticking to the point of my work on this blog. I feel there's also supposed to be room here for comments about my personal life and so I'll continue to make those because they are all part of my recovery.

*   I've decided to switch back to Alcoholics Anonymous and move away from Narcotics Anonymous as my primary recovery support structure. I got wrapped up recently in some internal politics about NA policy with another member recently and it reminded me of why I am involved and do some of the service work I do. I really dislike the politics of some aspects of my life these days...the larger world, work and NA. For most of my recovery I have been speaking to addicts in prisons and detox centers about recovery and this has been my way of giving back to the program what it has so freely given to me. But, when I venture outside that service level I get anxious and lose focus. So, I'm moving back to a simpler life within the AA structure...just going to meetings, listening, sharing and trying to bury my ego.

*   The Online-Substance-Abuse-Counseling.com web site I started last year has finally paid off...I have three patients now that I work with through Skype video or on the telephone. It's great work. I am my own boss and do not have some Capo-like manager staring at me and questioning every one of my therapeutic decisions. The work with the patients is interesting and invigorating. They seem to be benefitting from the encounters. I am trying to promote the site better to attract new patients. The site is now the #1 listing on page one in Google when the actual words "online substance abuse counseling" are entered, and I'm near the top when other key words are added. So I'm really looking forward to more work through it.

*   I'm back to teaching again this Summer at the graduate school and also within a local state prison. I'll be teaching psychology to prisoners who will receive college credit for the course. I've worked in prisons before and know the environment well. It'll be a challenge discussing anti-social personality disorder there (for sure!), but it ought to be a stimulating place to teach. It looks like adjunct teaching is my karma for a while...I lost out on two good tenure-track jobs recently because I think I didn't fit the demographic they had in mind. At least I'm teaching and that is a good thing.

*   I've started to take better care of my body by watching what I eat (currently on a "juicing" kick) and exercising more. Feeling a bit better about myself and how I move through space. In many respects, like so many other people, I have taken myself for granted a lot over the years and can no longer just assume I will be healthy and fit. It's taken me about 10 years - actually since the cancer surgery in 2004 - to finally get the idea that I need to maintain my body rather than exploit it. Hopefully this will work to stabilize my weight and fitness so I can establish an eating and exercise routine that will maintain health. "They" (whoever they are) were right: In the end, the only thing that really matters is how healthy you are. All the rest is extra.

All the best,

Roger W.

The NRA is a terrorist...

The Happy Hour is devoted to the discussion of addiction and recovery. It has been, for four years now,  a space for me to share ideas about what makes up addiction of various kinds as well as propose some solutions to the problem. But, every now and then, some things about life in general are of such grave concern that they need to be shared in this space because they overlap - even distantly - with the topics of addiction and recovery.

The gun control debate is one of them.

Very soon, the vote on gun safety for background checks will come before the Congress. Pundits are now speculating that every single compromise that has been worked out to control access to weapons will be defeated and we will have no better system tomorrow than we have today. This is terribly upsetting to me. So, I've been asking myself why this seemingly insane behavior of refusing to allow the control of dangerous weapons will happen.

I think it has something to do with addiction. People who are so heavily invested in either the financial or the emotional outcomes of gun control legislation are behaving in much the same way that drug and alcohol pushers would react if there was an attempt to further curtail their activities selling alcohol or other drugs to the public. People who supply the alcohol or other drugs want the minimum amount of interference in their activities. The liquor lobby in Congress is nearly as powerful as the NRA...one only has to look at their ability to thwart content labeling on alcohol products or warning labels like those on cigarettes to see that they will go to any length to stop efforts to expose them for who they are. They are protecting the source of their power which is the intoxicating effect that such products have on those who use them.

And, that's where addiction comes in. To me, people who own and use weapons are people who are in desperate need to feel powerful against the forces of man and nature that they feel might destroy them. They are grasping for any rope to rescue them from the sea of threats that modern life presents. To them, mere life itself - in the form of criminals, competitors, or corruption - is threatening their happiness, their mobility, their freedom and their livelihoods. So, they arm themselves against these and other threats in the hope that they can "defend" themselves against evil or even the government itself they fear might turn against them. They are addicted to this need for power. The crave it, have urgent thoughts about it, and want to protect the source of that power (gun and ammunition sellers) in the same way that alcoholics or drug addicts want to protect the source of the relief they get from using. And, they are vulnerable to the various cues in their environment that suggest to them that they are about to lose that power. So, they rise up and make threats to act to defend this power in any way possible...including using weapons against those who would try to take their power away. And, behind the scenes operates the NRA...a lobbyist for the addictive power sources.

The NRA is a special kind of domestic terrorist organization. They operate in the public eye - much the way the old IRA operated - with the supposed support of a segment of the population. They allow others to do their dirty work - sometimes crazy people who shoot or bomb, other times "responsible" people who go astray. Their agents, called members of Congress, will soon again win a battle to thwart common sense gun safety measures. But, it seems, every form of evil that can be inflicted on others through weapon ownership goes back to the NRA. (I was shocked today to learn that the NRA even opposes the use of a special chemical in explosives so they can be traced to a manufacturer.) When are we going to stop their exploitation of the Constitution just so they can earn their crass money at the expense of the lives of innocent and ordinary people? When are we going to see them for what they really are...dealers in a power that has become the true opiate of the people?

So, we have a group of people in this country who are so weak at defending themselves that they need high-powered weapons to spray their power against anyone who threatens to curtail it. They are backed by truly diabolical, insane and manipulative people in the NRA. They are reinforced in their delusion that guns will protect them everyday when they read in the media that someone else has been murdered or attacked by a "them"... whoever they may be. And, caressing their weapons in their private stash like a drug addict or alcoholic who worships their fix or their drink, these people cower in the corner of the mainstream of life in America and make their own threats to vote you down, intimidate with fear or actually kill you with their guns.

This kind of thinking is admittedly a little bit of a stretch, but I am increasingly alarmed by the nature of addiction as a force in human life. We seem drawn to the flame like moths when we allow ourselves to drift into behaviors like using drugs or owning guns under the delusion that they will make us happy or give us peace of mind. Neither drugs nor weapons do that. Instead, armed with the power of media and money, terrorist organizations like the NRA hold out the promise - like the drug dealer - that guns will make it all better.

All I can do is write about such things... and pray for peace.

Roger W.

Rules of Thumb...

         One of the things that is interesting about healing from addiction to alcohol or other drugs is that a person has the ability to pick the type and level of emotional pain they want to go through when in recovery.

         The alcoholic or drug addict lifestyle is marked by pain. It is long-term emotional pain that is carried over from the tendency to avoid dealing with the people, places, things, and situations that ordinarily occur in life. In effect, the active alcoholic or addict makes a deliberate attempt to get around problems, get over on situations, or otherwise avoid dealing with the short term pains of life. They refuse to deal with a troubled relationship. They find ways to get around the law. They lie, cheat and steal their way through life. They rely on instant gratification of their needs by accepting short-term gains. And they postpone the inevitable pain that stems from this behavior. That long-term pain comes in the form of guilt, shame, embarrassment, lack of productivity, poor relationships, and other negative consequences that dog a person for a long time.

         Rule of thumb: Short-term gain equals long-term pain.

         In recovery, people flip the script of the active alcoholic or drug addict lifestyle. Instead of going for short term payoffs, they will often deliberately set themselves on a course to actually experience and work through the tougher things of life. They do not avoid the pain that comes from confronting another person over how that person may be hurting them, or the regret for avoiding the wedding where they know there will be an open bar, or the discomfort of having to go to a 12-Step meeting instead of bowling with the team that night. Recovering people welcome the short-term pain of life’s normal course and learn how to cope and endure the discomfort that often comes from having to make the hard choices. They reap the harvest of delaying gratification, putting up with annoyances, and doing the hard work of recovery. For this, these people enjoy the benefits of long-term gain. They feel capable, productive, confident, and often very serene. They remain clean and sober. They stay in recovery.

         Rule of thumb: Short-term pain equals long-term gain.

         That’s how it is that recovering people can pick the level of pain they want to endure. They are able to choose between the long-term pain of ever-present sadness, guilt, shame, loss of self-esteem, and problem relationships. Or, they can go through the short-term pain of being exasperated, disturbed, discomforted, annoyed, frustrated or pained. They can choose to feel the short-term blast of pleasure and feelings of temporary gain by avoiding. Or, they can select the long-term gains of serenity, joy, happiness and sobriety that are caused by being engaged.

         Sometimes it is not easy to make this choice. “Getting over” behaviors are ingrained in many alcoholics and drug addicts who are in recovery. These inappropriate and sometimes illegal behaviors are meant to take advantage of other people and situations. This is sometimes driven by childhood insecurities or powerlessness, or learned from other people. Sometimes, this behavior is as automatic as the addiction was.

         To correct his thinking it is necessary to first learn how to be self-observant, or what is called mindful, of attitudes and behaviors that might be causing the need to take the quick fix, short term gain approach. New behaviors and skills need to be built on a new self-concept that is tied to new personal goals. In that way, a person can learn that they do not need to get over in order to get ahead.

         The short-term gain equals long-term pain, and short-term pain equals long-term gain formula for healthy thinking leads to sustained recovery from addictions of all kinds. 

Reconnecting...

It is amazing to me, but it has been more than four months since I filed a post for The Happy Hour. I've been busy with many other things in my life - a renewed interest in Buddhism and spiritual practice, working three jobs, keeping up with reading, and an intense involvement with the Saint Paul Red Stockings (my fantasy baseball team!) - that have kept me away from the blog. But, now it's time to return to regular writing.

I can think of no better place to re-start than to share some things I have written recently about recovery. Essentially, I have taken up poetry as a way of describing what is going on with me and recovery. Specifically, I have started with a certain form of poetry, Haiku, that is a very simple and easy way to express complex ideas. The form dictates that the writer use a specific number of syllables in three written lines. The first line has five syllables, the second line has seven, and the third line concludes the poem with five syllables. An ancient example of Haiku was written by some anonymous writer...

Curving up, then down,

Meeting blue sky and green earth,

Melding sun and rain.

And, another writer told of the wonderful feeling of support from a friend...

Lend me your arms,

Fast as thunderbolts,

For a pillow on my journey.

So, you will notice that the form is not exact and sometimes the stanzas have more or less syllables in them. But, the idea seemed like a good one to me as a way to concisely express some of my ideas about recovery...

Recovery goes,

At a gallop each new day,

Oh, the joy of peace.

Never looking back,

I trudge to happy destiny,

AA guides the way.

Relapse whispers me,

To give up my life to it...

Recovery shouts!

I am happy now,

As I walk in the new light,

That guides my strong way.

These are just a few of my feelings about recovery and life that run through my heart these days.

All the best,

Roger