Letting go of control...

Today's reading in Twenty-Four Hours A Day makes some great points about the benefits of letting go of the need to control everything in life.

It essentially says that my way of doing things had not worked very for many years, and that true peace of mind can come from "submitting to God." Now, that was a phrase that used to send me into orbit. I was someone who never wanted to accept the fact that it was God's world and the laws of nature in that world generally dictated the course of action in anyone's life. Rather, I wanted to believe that I was really powerful enough to turn events to my liking and make the forces of the universe submit to my bidding. No, there was nothing in this world that was going to tell me that I had to bend a knee to some "god," especially the one that I was taught to fear as a child. After all, I used to reason, hadn't God either ignored me for most of my life, or, even worse, possibly punished me for the "wrongs" I had done? And, could it be that God was behind all those nasty things that had happened to me to hurt me both physically and emotionally? "No way," I used to say..."you're not going to get me to submit to anything, much less a God I'm really angry at."

A few years after I got sober that all changed. I realized that this need to control had a real hold on me. Like today's reading says, pride, selfishness and fear all held me back from achieving the kinds of things I wanted to do in my lifetime. My fierce independence was really an anchor holding me in place. I had no idea when I was getting drunk that a new, better life could release me from this bondage and give me peace and serenity. But, today I know it's true: By letting go I actually gained control. Here's how that happened.

I have a concept of a Higher Power - I call God - that follows closely what Rabbi Harold Kushner developed in his book When Bad Things Happen to Good People. It's a terrific little book about faith and how it developed in a man who was angry at God for his young son's disease that eventually killed him. He made the point that perhaps God, as we humans traditionally think about God, is not as all-powerful and all-knowing as we make God out to be. Rather, perhaps this God, after creating a universe that is built on human free will and the laws of nature, lost control of the world because mankind was free to behave any way it thought was right. So, Kushner reasoned, instead of God being an entity that we think can control outcomes in our lives, we might be better off thinking that God really suffers alongside us when things occur that are painful, confusing, deadly or horrible. This presence of a very powerful being, a God that is with us throughout our suffering, gives us peace of mind because we realize that if God can't control the outcomes in the universe then I am relieved of the burden to think I either need to or can control things all by myself. Here we are, frequently in the midst of suffering, and we get the strength knowing that we will eventually survive terrible pain simply because God is with us throughout it. This belief spurs us on and gives us hope for the future.

This notion works no matter what happens in our life. It is a comforting notion. It means I am eventually not alone with my suffering, that God is with me, and I am fortified knowing that God can no more change the course of events that are happening than I can. What we sometimes think and pray for as miracles that might happen are really the forces of nature around us that might occur and change the course of what seems to be certain danger or hardship. But, since I don't base my life on the expectation of miracles, it is reassuring to know that there is a God of my understanding that works alongside me to help me cope. 

This means that we can have a clear spiritual consciousness of a God of our understanding and not compromise our ability to make decisions for ourselves or otherwise exercise free will. After all, we have to live in the world and successfully adapt to its needs. This consciousness is also entirely consistent with my Buddhist practice that concentrates on mindfulness of my reality, the oneness of the universe and the spirit of the Buddha that transcends everyday living.

I have come to see that my faith in God this way actually makes it not only possible for me to function in the world, but also do it with much greater peace of mind and comfort than I had when I was getting drunk.

All the best,

Roger W.