I ran across something in my files I had not seen in a while and thought you'd like to watch it. In 2007, the late night TV host, Craig Ferguson did a remarkable thing: He spoke from his heart. Now, speaking emotionally about anything is a big deal for celebrities on TV, but it was really blockbuster material when it ran on late night TV because Ferguson was talking about something very, very personal to him...his alcoholism. Yes, Ferguson is in recovery (because he broke his own anonymity with this clip I feel less compunction about me breaking it). It's a great, personal statement for a man who makes his living by picking on the foibles of his fellow man or woman to step forward and talk about his own demons and how he is recovering from them. So, sit back and watch for a few minutes as someone does a Tenth Step right on late night TV!
All the best, Roger
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Ramblings of the mind...
It's been a week since I got my exam results, so it's time to get on with the real meat of The Happy Hour... recovery!
Foremost is a referral I'd like to make for Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning
that has made a re-impression on me. It had been a long time since I first read it, but the second time around did not disappoint. I understand there's some controversy now about this book. Some believe Frankl only spent a few days at the Aushwitz death camp and that he even once worked at a hospital that did gruesome experiments on people. His editors deny this, but the bitter taste may still remain with some that this book is not as valid as once thought. Regardless, for me, it remains a strong autobiography of a man who endured incredible pain for many years and he gave a voice to those who suffered along with him.
Frankl's premise is that a person cannot survive in this chaotic and sometimes cruel world without some sense of meaning for life itself. When you get right down to it, he's right. Those who gave up in the Nazi death camps were those who lost meaning in their lives. Surrounded by death and destruction, those who succumbed were those who drifted from their core understanding of themselves and their purpose in life. This is not to say there isn't the danger of random injustice and threats to one's life in the world, and understandably the conditions of a death camp made prisoners acutely aware of their powerlessness over the situation. Yet, among those who were not plucked for the gas chambers right away, there was one identifiable characteristic of the survivors... their will to live because even their miserable lives had meaning.
Frankl notes for the modern reader that there are innumerable examples of how ordinary people lose track of the meaning in their lives and suffer because of it. People with anxiety and depression have frequently given up on themselves. And, in something that is relevant for us at The Happy Hour, he claims that turning to drugs is a behavior that shows people have given up on their lives and lost the meaning in it. How many times have we heard from young people that they are bored with life, that they are drifting and that things are meaningless to them? How many times have people turned to drugs to either wash away pain or enhance pleasure as a way to avoid the certainty of realizing they do not know themselves or where they are heading in life? How many people die each day because they lost their way?
Frankl believed that the way to change this was not simply to create meaning in life that may not be there. He said that meaning is created through, of all things, suffering. What we are deprived of, or what sometimes hurts us, or what often threatens us can have embedded within the seeds of living a meaningful life. Nietzsche is to have said, "That which does not kill me, makes me stronger". This is the essence of Frankl's message. What we endure often defines our life, and if we endure suffering of one kind or another - the pains of living that seem common to all of us - we very often can stand strong against the inertia to give up the fight. Frankl, the psychiatrist, did this himself by studying the people who surrounded him in the death camps and learning from them. This gave his experience there meaning. So too can we learn from the everyday experiences of our existence how to live a meaningful life.
Being willing to stand tall against the suffering of cravings and urges to get high on drugs takes courage. That courage comes from having an abiding faith that reminds us that we do not endure this alone, that there can be some Higher Power in our life that gives it meaning and purpose. And, this driving life force is often enough to get us through that moment of suffering so we might live and not die of the ravages of alcoholism or drug addiction. In my practice I often concentrate on helping young men form the vision about their future that is based on finding meaning in their lives and the direction that comes from that meaning. I strongly believe in the old saw that "If you stand for something, you won't fall for anything". So it is with recovery. Standing for something, a life freely lived in harmony with the world around me, is the single most important feature of recovery for this addict. This is driven by an abiding faith that my life has meaning and that I ought not squander that life.
Frankl gave the world a brave book about the essence of life. I think the least we can all do is find through it the meaning behind our lives that propels us forward to what Bill W. called, "our happy destiny". That way each of us will demonstrate to the other person how well lived a meaningful life in recovery can be.
All the best, Roger W.
Foremost is a referral I'd like to make for Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning
that has made a re-impression on me. It had been a long time since I first read it, but the second time around did not disappoint. I understand there's some controversy now about this book. Some believe Frankl only spent a few days at the Aushwitz death camp and that he even once worked at a hospital that did gruesome experiments on people. His editors deny this, but the bitter taste may still remain with some that this book is not as valid as once thought. Regardless, for me, it remains a strong autobiography of a man who endured incredible pain for many years and he gave a voice to those who suffered along with him.Frankl's premise is that a person cannot survive in this chaotic and sometimes cruel world without some sense of meaning for life itself. When you get right down to it, he's right. Those who gave up in the Nazi death camps were those who lost meaning in their lives. Surrounded by death and destruction, those who succumbed were those who drifted from their core understanding of themselves and their purpose in life. This is not to say there isn't the danger of random injustice and threats to one's life in the world, and understandably the conditions of a death camp made prisoners acutely aware of their powerlessness over the situation. Yet, among those who were not plucked for the gas chambers right away, there was one identifiable characteristic of the survivors... their will to live because even their miserable lives had meaning.
Frankl notes for the modern reader that there are innumerable examples of how ordinary people lose track of the meaning in their lives and suffer because of it. People with anxiety and depression have frequently given up on themselves. And, in something that is relevant for us at The Happy Hour, he claims that turning to drugs is a behavior that shows people have given up on their lives and lost the meaning in it. How many times have we heard from young people that they are bored with life, that they are drifting and that things are meaningless to them? How many times have people turned to drugs to either wash away pain or enhance pleasure as a way to avoid the certainty of realizing they do not know themselves or where they are heading in life? How many people die each day because they lost their way?
Frankl believed that the way to change this was not simply to create meaning in life that may not be there. He said that meaning is created through, of all things, suffering. What we are deprived of, or what sometimes hurts us, or what often threatens us can have embedded within the seeds of living a meaningful life. Nietzsche is to have said, "That which does not kill me, makes me stronger". This is the essence of Frankl's message. What we endure often defines our life, and if we endure suffering of one kind or another - the pains of living that seem common to all of us - we very often can stand strong against the inertia to give up the fight. Frankl, the psychiatrist, did this himself by studying the people who surrounded him in the death camps and learning from them. This gave his experience there meaning. So too can we learn from the everyday experiences of our existence how to live a meaningful life.
Being willing to stand tall against the suffering of cravings and urges to get high on drugs takes courage. That courage comes from having an abiding faith that reminds us that we do not endure this alone, that there can be some Higher Power in our life that gives it meaning and purpose. And, this driving life force is often enough to get us through that moment of suffering so we might live and not die of the ravages of alcoholism or drug addiction. In my practice I often concentrate on helping young men form the vision about their future that is based on finding meaning in their lives and the direction that comes from that meaning. I strongly believe in the old saw that "If you stand for something, you won't fall for anything". So it is with recovery. Standing for something, a life freely lived in harmony with the world around me, is the single most important feature of recovery for this addict. This is driven by an abiding faith that my life has meaning and that I ought not squander that life.
Frankl gave the world a brave book about the essence of life. I think the least we can all do is find through it the meaning behind our lives that propels us forward to what Bill W. called, "our happy destiny". That way each of us will demonstrate to the other person how well lived a meaningful life in recovery can be.
All the best, Roger W.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Word just in...
I PASSED MY EXAMS!
Now, this did not come as a big shock to many people who know me and who have given me huge encouragement during the past month. Many believed I would sail through this. And, they were right.
But, to me, it comes as welcome relief for weeks of worry about the outcome and my academic future. One friend noted that this whole event challenged me to my toes about how I think of myself and my capacities. She's right. The issue of whether I could get through these exams became a big referendum for me on the inside about who I was as a man and what I stand for. Perhaps, for many people it wouldn't be this way, but, for me, this exam process was a direct focus on my sense of self and self-esteem.
Why it was this way is a question for the ages and may apply to many other people who read this here. It seems that one of the major contributors to this lack of confidence has a lot to do with the guilt I experience over the number of years I wasted getting wasted. When you spend 21 years involved with alcohol and drugs and become addicted to them, there is the feeling that you are unworthy of any goodness in your life because you squandered so much time and talent. Then, there is the sense that your Higher Power may be a punishing god that wants to inflict pain on you because of the time spent wasting away...
Whatever the cause, the feeling of anticipation, frenzy, despair and dread that came over me just before and during the time I was working on these exams made me very worried about this whole process. Now, since I have been validated by the process and by my professors, I get a sense of enormous relief followed by questioning, "Why did I put myself through that turmoil?" But, I've decided that I'm not going to go down that road. The big difference between me dwelling on the problem as I used to do and moving on the way I do today rests in what I said in my last post about acceptance being the answer to all my problems today. There was a time when I would have ruminated about the questions this exam process conjured up. But, not today. Now I have a Higher Power in my life that gave me the confidence and peace of mind through this process to know that no matter how things turned out, I was going to be OK. That's a far cry from the way I used to deal with the problem. So, I'm not staying on the same page as the past.
Instead, I'm going to rejoice. This is a very big time for me and represents more than 3.5 years of accomplishment. So, I'm heading out for a massage, a movie, and a huge tray of fresh Sushi to celebrate. It doesn't get any better than that.
Thanks for your support and encouragement and for following my exploits here.
All the best, Roger
Now, this did not come as a big shock to many people who know me and who have given me huge encouragement during the past month. Many believed I would sail through this. And, they were right.
But, to me, it comes as welcome relief for weeks of worry about the outcome and my academic future. One friend noted that this whole event challenged me to my toes about how I think of myself and my capacities. She's right. The issue of whether I could get through these exams became a big referendum for me on the inside about who I was as a man and what I stand for. Perhaps, for many people it wouldn't be this way, but, for me, this exam process was a direct focus on my sense of self and self-esteem.
Why it was this way is a question for the ages and may apply to many other people who read this here. It seems that one of the major contributors to this lack of confidence has a lot to do with the guilt I experience over the number of years I wasted getting wasted. When you spend 21 years involved with alcohol and drugs and become addicted to them, there is the feeling that you are unworthy of any goodness in your life because you squandered so much time and talent. Then, there is the sense that your Higher Power may be a punishing god that wants to inflict pain on you because of the time spent wasting away...
Whatever the cause, the feeling of anticipation, frenzy, despair and dread that came over me just before and during the time I was working on these exams made me very worried about this whole process. Now, since I have been validated by the process and by my professors, I get a sense of enormous relief followed by questioning, "Why did I put myself through that turmoil?" But, I've decided that I'm not going to go down that road. The big difference between me dwelling on the problem as I used to do and moving on the way I do today rests in what I said in my last post about acceptance being the answer to all my problems today. There was a time when I would have ruminated about the questions this exam process conjured up. But, not today. Now I have a Higher Power in my life that gave me the confidence and peace of mind through this process to know that no matter how things turned out, I was going to be OK. That's a far cry from the way I used to deal with the problem. So, I'm not staying on the same page as the past.
Instead, I'm going to rejoice. This is a very big time for me and represents more than 3.5 years of accomplishment. So, I'm heading out for a massage, a movie, and a huge tray of fresh Sushi to celebrate. It doesn't get any better than that.
Thanks for your support and encouragement and for following my exploits here.
All the best, Roger
Monday, February 15, 2010
Acceptance is the answer...
I was thinking today of the amount of anxiety I have over the comprehensive exam results I am expecting and how my recovery program teaches me to cope with it. What immediately came to mind was the famous "Page 417 of the Big Book"... which reads:
"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
When I de-construct that paragraph in relation to my anxiety over my exams, I discover the answer to my problems.
First there is the point that I am disturbed because I find something (my exam results) in some situation (being judged by three professors) as being unacceptable to me. Somehow I think that this ought not to be happening. It might be the same old story as anyone who was once an active alcoholic - "What right have they got to judge me... don't they know who I am!" This is, very deep down, an unacceptable position for me to be in and it certainly doesn't make me serene when I think this way.
But, the author of this paragraph is telling me that I cannot be happy until I come to accept that this disturbing situation is exactly as it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing happens by mistake and I am in a situation that, as uncomfortable as it may be, certainly was of my choosing, make no mistake about it. I came to accept my alcoholism as a fact of life for me and with it came the realization that the people, places, things, and situations that I come across in recovery are a part of life on life's terms, not mine. I cannot control things any more...I lost that battle with the bottle... and I cannot control the natural flow of life in recovery either.
Unless I come to accept that nothing happens by mistake I cannot be happy. No matter what the outcome, whether I pass or fail, makes no difference in my Higher Power's world because whatever happens there is the way life's goodness flows for me. I have come to believe deeply that should I pass, it is the way my Higher Power has designed my world, and, should I fail, that it is just another way my Higher Power works in my life. Who am I to know for certain that I should get this degree? While it may be true that I think it would be a good thing to get it, how do I know that having such a degree might actually be the worst thing for me in my world? On the other hand, getting the degree might be the very best thing for me at this time of life. When it comes right down to it, I don't know.
Like the author said, I need to not so much try to change the world as change me. And, that's where faith - the antidote to fear, dread and anxiety - comes into play. I have come to believe that my Higher Power has nothing but the very best in store for me, no matter which way this exam situation turns out. And, that is no small accomplishment for an alcoholic like me who once believed he was invincible and all-knowing.
So, here I sit today, waiting for exam results that won't be available for another week and quietly communing with my Higher Power by seeking knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. Now, I ask, is that a great place to be, or what!
All the best, Roger
"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
When I de-construct that paragraph in relation to my anxiety over my exams, I discover the answer to my problems.
First there is the point that I am disturbed because I find something (my exam results) in some situation (being judged by three professors) as being unacceptable to me. Somehow I think that this ought not to be happening. It might be the same old story as anyone who was once an active alcoholic - "What right have they got to judge me... don't they know who I am!" This is, very deep down, an unacceptable position for me to be in and it certainly doesn't make me serene when I think this way.
But, the author of this paragraph is telling me that I cannot be happy until I come to accept that this disturbing situation is exactly as it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing happens by mistake and I am in a situation that, as uncomfortable as it may be, certainly was of my choosing, make no mistake about it. I came to accept my alcoholism as a fact of life for me and with it came the realization that the people, places, things, and situations that I come across in recovery are a part of life on life's terms, not mine. I cannot control things any more...I lost that battle with the bottle... and I cannot control the natural flow of life in recovery either.
Unless I come to accept that nothing happens by mistake I cannot be happy. No matter what the outcome, whether I pass or fail, makes no difference in my Higher Power's world because whatever happens there is the way life's goodness flows for me. I have come to believe deeply that should I pass, it is the way my Higher Power has designed my world, and, should I fail, that it is just another way my Higher Power works in my life. Who am I to know for certain that I should get this degree? While it may be true that I think it would be a good thing to get it, how do I know that having such a degree might actually be the worst thing for me in my world? On the other hand, getting the degree might be the very best thing for me at this time of life. When it comes right down to it, I don't know.
Like the author said, I need to not so much try to change the world as change me. And, that's where faith - the antidote to fear, dread and anxiety - comes into play. I have come to believe that my Higher Power has nothing but the very best in store for me, no matter which way this exam situation turns out. And, that is no small accomplishment for an alcoholic like me who once believed he was invincible and all-knowing.
So, here I sit today, waiting for exam results that won't be available for another week and quietly communing with my Higher Power by seeking knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. Now, I ask, is that a great place to be, or what!
All the best, Roger
Friday, February 12, 2010
New Chapter...
Hi Folks... Hurrah! Exams are finally over, and I'm just waiting for the grades!
Now that my formal coursework and tests are over it's time to turn toward the dissertation phase of my Ph.D. program. I've already got a title and have begun working on it: "The Lived Experience of a Spiritual Transformation in the Everyday Lives of Alcoholic Men in Recovery". (The hoped-for book would be titled: "Celebrating Serenity... the spiritual journeys of 8 men in recovery", but that's another story.) There are any number of hoops I still have to jump through in order for this to be accepted by my Dean and the Dissertation Committee that will work with me on this project for the next 18-24 months. But, it feels good to have the academics behind me.
All of this got me thinking about the spiritual aspects of my progress through the Ph.D. program. Indeed, much of what I have been through these past three years has been spiritually inspired and supported. I have never been quite able to pinpoint why it is that I chose to take up a Ph.D. study program at this stage in my life. Surely, I like the academic atmosphere and the learning. But, an on-line process is really different than the feel of a traditional bricks and mortar school I am most familiar with and I often wonder how I have sustained myself with the program. I think a lot of it has to do with a "power greater than myself" as the 12 Step programs say.
Certainly there is a lot of internal confusion about this, as I begin the process of the dissertation, to pinpoint my own belief system and how I stand in relation to spiritual principles. It has been an on-going process for years now that has to suddenly come to a head because of the nature of my dissertation project. I have chosen a format for the dissertation that will be autobiographical material melded with the stories of eight men who are also in recovery. So, I will be asking myself questions of a spiritual nature that are substantially the same ones I will be asking my research participants. It will be important for me to find, within, the sources of my spiritual energy and it will come from the deep places inside me that are tied directly to my recovery. The confusion arises as I start out because I have, for so many years and like so many people, taken issues of spirituality for granted in my life and not tried to come to a reconciliation of exactly where I stand with issues of God, principles, and the afterlife.
Now, like luggage in the backseat of the car that suddenly comes to a stop, all that "baggage" in my spiritual life comes rushing to the front with this project. It is a little scary and a lot of work, but there is something inside that impels me on this journey. It think it is my spiritual self and the power that I have identified as being in the universe onto which I can attach my mind and soul that moves me so.
How wonderful this all feels that my academic career would bring me to this point. I started this journey as an undergraduate Philosophy major at Stonehill College, got a master's degree in Psychology at Cambridge College, and now find myself at the end of my trek as a doctoral student with a dissertation that is a blend of both disciplines. My Higher Power works in strange and wonderful ways.
Off we go into the wild, blue yonder, "trudging toward my happy destiny" as Bill W. said in the Big Book! I look forward to keeping you informed of the progress.
All the best, Roger
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