Resolutions...

A friend of mine and I were discussing New Year's resolutions the other day and she asked me what mine were. I stumbled. I had not really thought about making resolutions in the new year, and my hesitancy showed because I could not immediately think of any one thing that I resolve to do in 2012.

I said that I planned to finish my dissertation and get my PhD. I also said I hope to remain healthy and strong, and that I hoped I would be able to handle whatever came my way during the year. I also said that I plan to stay in touch with my family and friends. But, that's about it. You can see by the weakness of my response - and the fact that none of these are really resolutions in the first place - that I hadn't put much thought into this.

I think I know why. To have resolve for something is to have commitment. In the case of New Year's resolutions, the issue always seems to be whether or not I have the resolve to follow through on what it is that I say I'm going to do. Am I committed, all in, as they say in poker, and willing to make the sacrifice that may be necessary to fulfill my commitment? That's the big question at this time of year. the trouble seems to be that I am reluctant to make a commitment to anything that smacks of change.

It's clear what I ought to do. I ought to make a resolution to lose weight. I ought to be prepared to shed some pounds in favor of my health and happiness. But, I wonder why I don't do that. It's also clear that I ought to resolve to save money from each paycheck. I also wonder why I don't do that except on the days when I see how close to the financial bone I sometimes have to work. I guess it would also be nice to resolve to walk more and get more exercise in general. Yet, I can't seem to get beyond the uncomfortability and inconvenience of doing that.

So, there are several things I ought to be resolving to do that I'm not. My rationale for this is that I have plenty on my plate now and that I need to follow through on resolutions I made long ago...going for the PhD, working hard at keeping my job, and maintaining a solid relationship with family and friends. Of course the big one is the resolve to remain clean and sober and practice some form of spirituality in my life. But, that is all part of previous years' resolutions that haven't got much to do with new ones for 2012.

I know what I'll do. I'll make the resolution that I will do one kind, thoughtful and unrecognized act of giving a week for the year. This may be something as helpful as donating time to a local food shelter, to continuing a commitment I have through Narcotics Anonymous to bring a meeting into a local detox center each month, to doing a silent act of charity for someone. The trouble of course is that I suppose I have already not fulfilled it because I have announced I will do these things (in violation fo the "unrecognized" part of the resolution), but I guess everyone will just have to wonder whether I actually follow through.

Finding out that will just have to wait until next year when I review what I've done. Until then, Happy New Year!

All the best, Roger W.

Merry Christmas!

May all of my friends and family who read this blog enjoy a happy, safe, and joyous holiday season. I very much appreciate your support for the writing I do here...without you I would not only be unable to have a blog, but I would also not have the sense of love and care that each of you has shown me this past year.

Thanks as well to those readers I do not know. I believe we share a common bond in recovery from addiction and that The Happy Hour is a place where we can go to share our concerns and issues, triumphs and achievements. A wish for the New Year is that I hear from more of you throughout the journey, and that you share with other readers here the joy and happiness that can come from being in recovery.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ONE AND ALL!...

All the best, Roger. W.

Anatomy of a relapse...

It's been three days now since I have received a phone call from a person I sponsor in the 12 Step program. As his sponsor, he and I agreed I would work with him to help him maintain abstinence from alcohol...he had ben clean for just over 30 days when he stopped calling me.

Clearly, he has relapsed.

Now, some may wonder how I can be so sure he has relapsed given the many different reasons that exist for why a person might not call. It's true, he might have been in a very bad accident and now be in a hospital bed somewhere. But, the chances of that being the case for a chronic alcoholic are slim to none. Usually, when they stop doing something that is inherently good - like calling their sponsor - they do it because they have relapsed.

It is very possible that he has not had a drink yet. By that I mean, he may very well have relapsed without yet taking that first drink. How does that happen?...It's the nature of the disease of addiction that a relapse does not happen simply by a person putting a drink of a drug into their bodies. Rather, a relapse happens when there is an interruption in a pattern of health that has helped maintain abstinence.

In that case, he has undoubtedly relapsed.

Classic relapse theory does not disappoint us when we study how it is that a person relapses on a drink or a drug. There are usually three reasons for a relapse: 1) that there is some critical life event that has taken place causing a negative emotional state (death of someone close, eviction), and this accounts for about 30% of the cases; 2) interpersonal conflict that accounts for about 15% of the cases; 3) social pressures that account for about 20% of the cases. The remaining 35% of the cases are attributable to a wide diversity of causes and one can easily imagine them.

In this young man's case I suggest it is probably the first condition that has caused this relapse...he is in some negative emotional state. This is probably brought on by a common occurrence with him: He has a tendency to take on an enormous number of projects that place a severe obligation on him, and, when he gets to a certain point of frustration and pain with them all, he drinks in order to reward himself for suffering through them. In other words, this man is so burdened by pressure to perform in so many different spheres - family, work, finances, and internal need for achievement - that he cracks at some point and needs the quick fix of instant pleasure that a cocktail will bring him. He is incapable at that point of reasoning to the downside of taking that cocktail and sees nothing but the relief of the short term pain.

So, he's relapsed...he has probably had a drink, but he has certainly not taken care of the essential processes he must go through daily in order to prevent drinking, and, therefore, has relapsed. What should be my response? This is the art of sponsorship. First, it would be wrong for me to call him. He needs to make that call to me when he is ready, either before he takes that first drink or shortly after it, because for me to call him first will only increase the amount of shame and guilt and further move him away from me. Second, when he does call (as they most often do when they regain their composure and can admit to the relapse) I need to accept him with positive regard and encouragement...something I may not be willing to muster right now because of my disappointment.

There is a lesson in this for all of us. We need to recognize that relapse back to an old habit or addiction starts with small and seemingly insignificant events (no phone call) and can bloom into a full-blown series of problems that take us right back to where we started. The secret to not having this happen is to do what we do when we consider fire prevention...we run fire drills. In this business, we need to run drills about high risk situations, negative emotional situations, interpersonal problems or social pressures to prepare ourselves for the inevitable relapse that will come if we don't succeed in working through them in a healthy way.

In this case, when he calls, we'll start all over again with a fire drill...and hope we never get to this point again.

All the best, Roger W.

Routine interruption...

There finally no denying it: After being hit this week with one of the most debilitating head and chest colds I've ever had it is clear there is something wrong with my immune system. I flew to Boston for my annual trip and caught some bug probably from the little boy two seats over from me on the flight in. This is not the first time it happens. In fact, I usually get sick following flights. That didn't on the recent cruise is a miracle. What could be causing this?

My sister - who is usually right about these things - says it sounds like Lymme's disease to her. My partner is convinced it's because I don't get enough exercise. That's true and can certainly account for the soreness and stiffness I have whenever I move. Some people think it's because I don't drink enough water, I am overweight, or I work too hard. There could be any number of reason but none, except Lymme's, is an explanation for the systemic pain (and I'm pretty sure the Mayo doctors ruled that out).

This problem is never so evident as when I am sick. The colds are getting worse. They leveled me yesterday I could barely see straight. The coughing in incredible...I literally coughed all night. Today the symptoms are ebbing, but I'm still disoriented and deaf and that it effecting my mood.

I guess that's why I write about this here. Each time I get sick I can instantaneously revert back to the son of a bitch I used to be when I was using. I'm grouchy and crabby and argumentative. I'm intolerant and I'm nasty. I make everyone close to me feel awkward and they walk on those eggshells again around me. The cold, the weakness, the deafness, the lack of sleep all add up to a formula for disaster. And my relationships are greatly effected.

I'm lucky that my relationships are as strong as they are because my mother and other members of the family would have thrown me away long ago. But it doesn't mean I ought to abuse them the way I do when I get sick. I feel so fragile, helpless, vulnerable when I'm sick, and these are uncomfortable feelings to have. I need to learn how to gently express the need to be sick by myself and to not antagonize anyone simply because I'm having a bad few days.

In the meantime I have to do something about the growing debilitating condition I find myself in when I'm sick. I'm going to revisit Mayo's test results. I'm going to get a COPD inhaler, try to eat better and exercise through the pain. Something's got to change, and it's me.

All the best, Roger W.

Washington DC...

The photo headlining this week's post was taken at about 4am. I remember I had difficulty sleeping that night and thought, in the middle of the insomnia, that I'd go out a make photos (a la Kertesz) of Washington at night. Of course, I came no where near the beauty that Kertesz was able to conjure out of the late night streets of Paris he photographed in the late 1800s, but I did come away with a few portfolio grade photographs that are memorable. I think this is one.

It was 1985 and I was really at the height of my photographic prowess. I had been making photographs since 1981 as a freelancer who managed to scrape by on a few assignments here and there and sell some stock photos. I was also a taxi driver and a bartender through most of it all because I couldn't live on just my photo revenues. If it weren't for my wife at the time, I never would have been able to photograph and would have had to find "real" work.

My photographs always seemed rather pedestrian at first...nothing remarkable and no discernable style or focus. So, absent a real signature appearance, I labeled myself a documentary photographer and did the best I could. It wasn't until 1985 that I began to wrangle the technical aspects of photography - film-based technology now eclipsed by the digital era - to my liking. This photograph is remarkable for its clarity and precision...taken on 35mm film (Kodachrome, although this is the black and white version) at a very slow shutter speed to get the blurry flag and sharpest image of the dome. I actually sold the rights to this once although I can't remember to whom.

It is also all the more remarkable because just as I was reaching the peak of my technical proficiency and making a decent wage at the craft, I quit. It was the year I decided to join the National Enquirer photo staff and I left actual photographing behind that year to become a editor. This is something I would not choose to do today. But...I had my reasons.

Earlier that year I lost my uncle Ray to a car accident and I was very sad about his death. I admired him and, although he was drunk much of the time, I thought he was a skilled welder and hard worker. Besides, he always had a farm and I loved being near his animals when I was a kid. His death made me very sad for a long time.

So too was I mourning the loss of my best friend at the time...Homer Page. He died in September of that year. He was my mentor, my friend and the most important man in my life at the time. He was the one who encouraged my photography (was an immensely important photographer of the 1940-50s) and made me believe I could be whoever I wanted to be. His loss was so great I still miss him to this day.

There was ample reason to abandon photography during the depression I was suffering in the Winter of 1985. It was also the kind of thing I would do then under the influence of alcohol and drugs...not being able to make a clear decision about my future. In a few years I would be diagnosed with BiPolar I, and it is a characteristic of that disease that people make incredibly bad choices under stress. As I said, I wouldn't make the decision to quit photographing today, but, at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do.

So, this photograph above means a lot more than just a picture of the Capitol dome. It's an icon of what I was capable of doing with an art form and a symbol of how terrible my decision-making was at the time. Today, it's all better because, while I'm not sure I could make the same quality image again today, I am clean and sober and making many better decisions than I used to.

All the best, Roger W.

Balls to the wall...

There's the story of how the flight sound barrier was broken that relates to recovery from addictions in an interesting way.

As the story goes, American test pilots after World War II were desperately trying to break the sound barrier. Each time these test pilots would go up in their special jet planes they would push the throttle forward to gain speed and soar close to the speed of sound...about 800 miles an hour. They didn't make it for years. It seemed that just as they plane was approaching the sound barrier, the plane would shake so violently that pilots thought it would fall apart. So, they timidly back off on the throttle and the plane would calm down. Still, safe as they now were, the pilots didn't break through the barrier.

Then, one day in October of 1947, a certain pilot known for his daring and recklessness, accomplished what others only dreamed. Chuck Yaeger flew his jet, Glamorous Glennis, faster than any man ever before...he smashed through the sound barrier with a bang...a big bang called a sonic boom. When asked years later how he did it he is reputed to have said, "I went balls to the wall." Now Yaeger was not referring to his anatomy. He was referring to what he did when the jet was shaking and rattling and nearly falling apart as he approached the sound barrier: Instead of backing off the throttle the way everyone else had, Yaeger plunged the throttle forward and gave it full speed ahead. The throttle, with white plastic balls on top, was thrust forward to the cockpit's instrument panel called "the wall."

What's this got to do with addictions and recovery? Often, after a person stops drinking or taking drugs, they find themselves in a world that is troubled and full of problems that seem to baffle them. In effect, everything seems to be shaking, rattling and rolling...in turmoil as violent and confusing as those jet cockpits must've been like. Most people, confronted with having to solve this mess, back off and hope that things will calm down if they take a safer course and sit back with old ways of coping. Thinking they are safer and hoping that they will somehow get to their goal of serenity and peace of mind, many people cave in to the pressure, retrench and play it safe.

In fact, my experience is, that in order to solve problems causing the shakeup of my world, the exact opposite has to be done...instead of backing off, I need to go balls to the wall with a program of action that aggressively addresses problems in a new and bold way. Instead of being like the timid jet pilots, we have to be more like Chuck Yaeger. We may need to double or triple the number of 12step meetings we go to, finally call a psychotherapist, read the BigBook or NA basic text again, call a peer more often, or carry the message of recovery to some still-suffering addict. I sometimes need to pick up speed with my program of recovery to overcome the feeling of being stalled...I need to go balls to the wall!

All the best, Roger W.

Lima Beans...

The other day I was explaining to a patient how important it is that she remain in the here and now moment as best she can. She has trouble staying in the present moment and likes to mostly live in the future as she anticiaptes nearly every aspect of her life in a literal frenzy of anxiety. It's difficult even in the best of times and for virtually every human being to stay in the present moment...the immediacy of what surrounds us at any given time can sometimes be forgotten as we strive to prepare for the future or relive the past. Moreover, for chemically dependent people such a struggle can be deadly: There is a great deal about the past we usually regret and the pain of having that foremost in our brain can lead to shame and guilt, and dwelling on the future can have a negative efffect on our confidence to master the unknown.

All of which brings me to lima beans. I relate the practice of eating lima beans to many patients who struggle with living in the present moment. You see...I hate lima beans, can't stand them, and sometimes just thinking about them makes my stomach queasy. But, ordinarily, this dislike for lima beans is in the abstract - like it is now in writing you this - because they are not in front of me and I only have the memory of what they taste like or the dread of when I might next have to eat them. In other words, when it comes to lima beans I am most often either living in the past or the future...not the present moment.

So, to remedy this abstraction, once a year or so I eat some lima beans. I usually by one of those small cans, plop them into a sauce pan, add lots of butter and salt and pepper and nearly cook them to death. Then I sit down alone at a kitchen table and eat those lima beans. Suddenly, the idea of disliking lima beans is no longer an abstraction of the past or the future. Rather, my dislike for these beans is a real experience in the here and now of the moment of eating them. I savor how much I dislike them, feel in the pit of my stomach how bad I feel, and know exactly why I do not usually eat them.

Now...this culinary masochism may sound strange to the average reader. But, it is vital for me to stay in the here and now of experience, and I can think of no better way of remaining grounded in the present moment than an exercise like that with the lima beans to stay that way. The experience serves as a reminder that I must also ground myself in other ways daily by thinking of exactly where I am and where I am supposed to be at the moment. It is also a way to stay focused on tasks in front of me.

I wouldn't recommend the kind of limit bean torture to everyone...it's my little quirk. But, I would recommend everyone having some device that grounds them in the here and now. After all, there's nothing to fear about the present moment if it is well lived according to one's principles...and, who knows, I might get to like lima beans eventually.

All the best, Roger W.

National Recovery Month...

National Recovery Month is a national observance that educates Americans on the fact that addiction treatment and mental health services can enable those with a substance use or mental disorder to live a healthy and rewarding life. The observance’s main focus is to laud the gains made by those in recovery from these conditions, just as we would those who are managing other health conditions such as hypertension, diabetes, asthma and heart disease.  Recovery Month spreads the positive message that behavioral health is essential to overall health, that prevention works, treatment is effective and people can and do recover.

Recovery Month, now in its 22nd year, highlights individuals who have reclaimed their lives and are living happy and healthy lives in long-term recovery and also honors the treatment and recovery service providers who make recovery possible. Recovery Month promotes the message that recovery in all its forms is possible and also encourages citizens to take action to help expand and improve the availability of effective recovery services for those in need.

Celebrated during the month of September, Recovery Month began in 1989 as TreatmentWorks! Month, which honored the work of the treatment and recovery professionals in the field. The observance evolved to National Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery Month in 1998, when the observance expanded to include celebrating the accomplishment of individuals in recovery from substance use disorders.  The observance is evolving once again in 2011, to include all aspects of behavioral health and will now be known as National Recovery Month.

Each September, thousands of treatment and recovery programs and services around the country celebrate their successes and share them with their neighbors, friends, and colleagues in an effort to educate the public about recovery, how it works, for whom, and why. There are millions of Americans whose lives have been transformed through recovery. These successes often go unnoticed by the broader population; therefore, Recovery Month provides a vehicle to celebrate these accomplishments.

The 2011 Recovery Month observance aims to educate the public on the positive changes that national health care reform will have on access to needed recovery services for substance use and mental disorders.  Recovery Month, officially celebrated each September, has become a year-round initiative that supports educational outreach and celebratory events throughout the year.

Currently 140 Federal, State and local government entities, as well as non-profit organizations and associations affiliated with prevention, substance use and mental disorders, comprise the Recovery Month Planning Partners’ group. The Planning Partners assist in the development, dissemination and collaboration of materials, promotion and event sponsorship for the Recovery Month initiative.

Materials produced for the Recovery Month observance include print, web, television, radio and social media tools. These resources help local communities reach out and encourage individuals in need of services, and their friends and families, to seek treatment and recovery services and information. Materials provide multiple resources including SAMHSA’s National Helpline - 1-800-662 HELP (4357) for information and treatment referral and SAMHSA's Treatment information at http://www.samhsa.gov/

So, even though the month celebration is winding down, I urge everyone to plug into the SAMHSA website and download some materials...who knows, the materials may come in handy for any intervention work you may do with family or friends who may need recovery services during the coming year.

All the best, Roger

Truth...

Deliver me...

from the cowardice of avoiding new truths,

from the laziness of accepting half truths,

from the arrogance of believing I have all truth.

I've searched high and low and cannot find the source for this prayer/aphorism. I'd like to think that it belongs to someone like a great philosopher (Lao Tzu), politician (Gandhi), poet (Eliot) or religious man (St. Francis). But, I haven't got a clue. Regardless, this has been posted in front of my work space at my home and office for many years. It is something I look at continuously and try to practice in my life.

If I dissect this prayer I learn how I might best function in the world. First, I see that I must have the courage to face new truths that arise in my life. One of these in my life right now is the truth that not everyone will see the value of my dissertation research study and clamor aboard as a participant. Not even all the sources for participants I have will see the value in it and help me obtain participants. It is a truth I must not avoid that most people are indifferent to research projects like mine. Second, I see that I must not be lazy when it comes to the truth and accept just anything that someone tells me as being authentic, genuine and real. I've been burned far too many times by false promises in the workplace and even in some personal relationships. I must be vigilant to see falsehood for what it really is. And, third, I see that I must not assume I have all the answers. This is particularly difficult for me right now as I feel I have been arrogant about certain things - my profession, my knowledge base about psychological information, and my knowing what the right thing to do is.

This is all especially true today after learning that a 21 year old former patient of mine died of alcohol poisoning last week. He was a big, brawny and loud young man. He came to my treatment center because of an intervention by his family and stayed for four months of treatment despite threatening to leave every day. He was hurting badly, and in a few private moments when he broke down and cried he would talk about being lonely and sad and feeling lost. But, he hung on to the idea that alcohol was his friend and that when he turned 21 (which he would a few days after his discharge) he was going to get good and drunk and celebrate his emancipation. He did. But, it wasn't but a few months later that his friend, alcohol, bit him in the ass and killed him. As obnoxious as he could be some days, this young man did not deserve to die so early, and many of us will miss him.

The new truth that I seem to learn every day is that I - and every other counselor treating alcohol and drug addiction - is totally powerless over the disease that afflicts the people we treat. There is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do to prevent the inevitable and, the ugly truth is, I often know what that inevitable outcome will be like for many of the patients I have. Sure, there are seemingly hopeless cases who recover, but that is looking more and more like a half truth to me. Many do recover but it is only when they come to grips with some spiritual need within them that they do decide to stop using drugs and get well. Sadly, the truth is that we sometimes know deeply within that some people are not finished with their drinking and drugging careers and they will soon die.

The arrogance I have to fight against is this seeming certainty that I know who will and who will not recover. It's a character defect of mine, but I am not alone. It is a constant battle for the alcohol and drug counselor to remain open to the possibility of change and that some people who look hopeless now might actually be able to overcome relapse pressures and survive the disease. I ask to be delivered from that arrogance every day.

All the best, Roger W.

Transformation...

I saw this painting on a website recently and it immediately made me think of the spiritual nature of recovery from addiction.

Painted by Victor Bregeda in 2004, Transformation is a painting that looks at first glance to be just a decorative piece of artwork. There are very bright blossoms in the branches of a tree in the center that seems to be springing from the pages of a book. It's colors are pleasant, soothing and inviting.

But, soon, an intense look at the painting reveals much more than decorative art. After a while, one sees that the blossoms are really butterflies. And, there is a man, standing on a great hand that is fluttering the pages of the book, who seems to be poking at the butterfly/blossoms. The man appears to have gotten to the top by climbing a ladder. The fluttering pages suggest change and, when one sees a caterpillar crawling in the background, one is reminded how butterflies come to be.

The profound, secret meaning of the painting is then revealed...the metamorphosis from the slow-going caterpillar to the beautiful winged butterfly symbolizes the immortality and transformation of man's soul on the way to God. And, God, whose hand flips through the pages of life to reveal the caterpillars and butterflies, allows man to stand high after climbing up the ladder of life. It's as if there is some divine dialogue going on here between man and God. Here, revealing life's true meaning through flipping the pages of life before him, God is turning over the pages of His scared words. He is revealing the secrets of the universe through the symbols of a delicate, but hearty butterfly, that is being probed by the small figure of man who is trying to figure out how the butterfly became transformed from the caterpillar.

We are seekers of truth and we strive to understand the world that God has revealed to us through our ordinary experience of life. Some of us are cynical and refuse to accept that mankind has spiritually evolved from an Earth-based nature (the caterpillar) to the Heavenly-based potential (the butterfly) in every person's life.  Some do not see the beauty inherent in this transformation of the spirit. Some refuse to accept that the point upon which they stand (the hand of God itself) is a vantage point that will allow them to see the entire universe unfold before them in beauty and grandeur.

At this stage of my life and recovery it is important to me to acknowledge and validate the wonderful feeling of connectedness to this butterfly universe that courses through my mind and body. In many respects, I feel a profound sense of sadness and loss for those who have not found this in their own lives. But, I urge anyone seeking a better life to continue to strive, like the caterpillar, and look forward to the transformation.

All the best, Roger W.

Fly fishing school...

Joe and I are out at a school to teach fly fishing in Ferguson Falls MN. Now, ordinarily one might think, "fly fishing school!...who needs to go to school to learn how to fish?" but, you need to take into consideration who we are...two basically egghead academic-types who think anything worth doing must have a teacher attached to it somewhere. So, when we thought about the challenging idea of how to catch a fish on a tiny fly-like lure, we automatically thought about finding a school for it.

Our host and teacher is a real character. Ted does a lot of things professionally that earn him a great living and the chance to live in a wonderful lodge-like house on beautiful Long Lake, have a condo in The Cities, travel around the world, hunt big game, fly his own sea plane, run several companies, and (by the way) also become a world-class fly fisherman. He literally opens his doors to two strangers and makes you feel at home while he cooks a home-spun meal and regales you with stories from his life. Fishing is never far from the main story line and, whether he's talking about his frequent trips to Vietnam or his experiences owning a fine dining restaurant in town, he neatly ties it all together like he's tying one of his exquisite flies.

While we're sure to have fun here the next two days, the, point of this is not lost: There's much to be thankful for as my son and I enjoy the bounty of what has been given to us. We learn that there is value to using limited resources in creative ways that encourage us to be together to share good times. We meet and make new friends who share our interests. We gain an appreciation for the animal life around us and the fun you can have with sport. But, more than anything else, we get to feel the love we have for one another and express it by investing time with each other.

Life is good for us now and I know this is only due to the fact I am clean and sober. Joe knows and appreciates this too.
All the best, Roger W.

A Useful Metaphor...

When I am trying to explain the power of the disease of addiction to one of my patients, I sometimes use an escalator as a metaphor to describe how relapse works in the lives of recovering people.

Have you ever tried to walk up a "down" escalator? Most of us have tried this when we were kids. There's a certain thrill as we run up the moving steps and try to beat the constant flow of stairs moving against us.

In every respect, this is like the disease of addiction.

An escalator going down can easily represent the disease of addiction: It is constantly moving and changing and going in only one direction...down. It is trying to take us from a high place to a low one. It is trying to use its considerable power to transport us, change us, from one condition (being someplace we might not want to be) to another place (someplace we think is better).

So too, the disease of addiction is pulling at a recovering person to change his or her place in recovery. The disease is going only in one direction...down...and its considerable energy will transport us from someplace where the disease does not want to be (in recovery) to another place (relapse). And, this energy pushing down is relentless, powerful and aggressive.

Now...what happens when you start walking up this down escalator? When you jump on you immediately recognize that you must either keep up with the downward pressure or move faster than it in order to not be dragged down to the bottom. So, most people find the pace of the escalator and climb with a steady gait. The trouble with this solution is that sooner or later you notice that you are not going anywhere, get bored or fatigued, and generally give in soon to the pressure and give up. There are adventurous souls who want to climb to the top by going faster than the speed of the stairs, and they begin their ascent. They run up the stairs by leaps and bounds, or they make steady headway with a pace faster than the escalator, and sooner or later, they end up at the top having beaten the system arranged against them.

So too with recovery. If you generally just try to keep pace with the forces of relapse that are arrayed against you, sooner or later you realize that this is boring, you get fatigued and give up to those pressures and let them drag you down. If your strategy after a period of time of trying to keep pace is to rest for a moment and stand still on the stairs, you soon notice that the pressure of relapse keeps moving you down...you cannot stand pat in your recovery. But, if your strategy is to move continuously forward in recovery, you will move at a pace that is faster than the forces that would bring you down and you will eventually beat out some of those forces by reaching the goal of serenity.

I mention this to people who seem to be stuck in recovery, or listless and drifting, or even those who want to take a break from the rigor of striving against the powerful relapse warning signs, triggers and high risk situations that are arrayed against them daily. It's not enough to just keep pace with these signs of relapse, and it's certainly not sufficient to stand pat for a while when just trying to gather yourself together enough to figure out what is going on. Regrettably, a recovering person must always be moving forward in their recovery lest the forces of relapse surrounding them take over their recovery pace and push them down into full-blown chaos again.

I think this metaphor is useful to describe the forces of any addiction that is working against a person's recovery. Whether it be alcohol or other drugs, food, sex, gambling, spending, hoarding, or any type of compulsive behavior, there are forces that can drag a person down and spur a relapse. The solution is to have a child-like approach to life and scramble forward at a pace greater than these forces.

So long as I follow that way I have nothing to fear.

All the best, Roger W.

The Power of Narcotics Anonymous...

Today, I am grateful NA exists. Were it not for this fellowship I may not have been able to stay clean all these years. And, the overall acceptance NA members have had for me at nearly every turn has spelled the difference between who I was before and who I became after December 19, 1987.

NA accepted me when I could not accept myself, and that is its extraordinary Power. When I was struggling with identifying as being an addict, NA was there to help me. When I was desperately trying to identify with NA peers by overstating my drug use history in those early years, they accepted me despite knowing I was doing that. I have long struggled with being accepted for who I am, and I have often created a "personna of the moment" just to fit in. It almost always worked...people accepted who I presented myself as being. Only problem was, I felt I did not belong. It took years before I felt comfortable with being a member of a club where I had basically faked my way in. Adapting the way I did worked since I was able to stay clean and enjoy NA's fellowship, but it always came at the price of me not feeling welcome.

It took years before I was able to tell my story in NA from a truthful point of view because of the shame at thinking I had gained entry based on lies and fabrication. I feel I have hurt some people along the way and I do not like looking at that fact. But, as Mary (my counselor at the drug rehab center where I got clean) once told me, I will change my behaviors when I truly realize that of all the people harmed by my behaviors, I am the one who has been harmed the most. I hurt myself when I lied to NA.

I need to come to accept that my alcoholism - comparatively shallow as it was - was sufficiently bad enough to cause me extraordinary pain and earn admission into the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I need to repeat to myself that the loss of jobs, two marriages, access to my children, numerous personal relationships, and my mental health were all due to drinking and taking drugs. I need to keep it very green that I was one of those people whose personality change was total and dramatic - every bit as much as the change between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - when I drank and smoked marijuana or Thai sticks. And even now, 23 years after my last drink, I need to remember that it is not the drug I use, or when or how much of it I use, but the fact that I can become addicted to any drug that causes a threat or consequence in my life. I cannot drink safely. I cannot use other drugs safely. Moreover, I cannot afford the loss of my mental health when I use because I become unsafe.

NA knows this and uses its power of the fellowship to keep me in the fold by having other members welcome me and accept me as the man I am today. In fact, this is very much a Higher Power for me today that I trust will keep me clean. This Power knows what only other addicts can fully understand and appreciate: I was once obsessed with drugs in my life and compelled to use them even when my will was to not use. There is no other place on earth that I can find where I will be so accepted. And, this makes me grateful today. "My gratitude speaks when I care and when I share the NA way..." the prayer goes, and I hope to return the love, acceptance and care to fellow addicts everyday.

So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear!

All the best, Roger W.

When is minimizing, not so...

One of the things that kept me psychologically sick for several years after I stopped using alcohol and other drugs was the rather constant refrain that would run through my mind that "I was not like these other people in recovery." I can distinctly remember saying that, while I recognize I have problems with drugs, I certainly haven't got the same number or kinds of problems that others do. No...I had not lost a family, or a job, or scads of money or property due to my drinking the way many other people in AA or NA have. And, I certainly haven't lost my mental faculties or physical abilities due to drinking or drugging. I never lost my license due to drinking and I certainly never lost my mind to it.

But, sometime during the middle stage of my recovery - about 10-15 years ago, it suddenly occurred to me that I had been minimizing the impact that drinking and drugging had on my life. I think it was around the time that Kristine, my third wife, died of alcohol-related disease when she was using that I started to think about the losses that alcohol had caused in my life. I used to tell myself that no one ever told me that I was getting a divorce because of my drinking, but I got two when I was using and a third when I was minimizing the extent of my disease. I used to tell myself that no one had ever fired me for my drinking or drugging, even though I lost every single job I ever had because of "them" and "the way they run the company" and because "they're a jerk, anyway". And, I used to tell myself that I never lost any money because I was a drunk, even though I conveniently forgot about a fist fight with a vendor that cost me $25,000 or discounted the number of jobs I had because I was an out-of-control alcoholic. No...the losses happened to other people, not me because I could always find an excuse for why my life took a sudden dive.

Today, it's clear to me that I am not only like all those other people in the 12 Step fellowships...I am those people. But, this identification I now feel with people is not based on the facts that may be similar or not. Rather, the identification with others that I can now see and feel in my life is based on the spiritual losses I know I sustained that are the very same losses anyone else has endured who comes to AA or NA for recovery. And, while I cannot speak to long prison terms, terminal losses of family relationships, or severe physical or mental impairments due to my drinking and drugging, I can speak loudly about the loss of spiritual values at the end of my using career.

Primarily I lost hope. Like the great poet Vaclav Havel (who was also the first president of the Czech Republic) once noted..."Hope is not that I believe everything in my life will turn out just fine: Hope is that no matter how things in my life turn out, I will be just fine." For most of my life I, like so many others, prayed that things in my life would turn out OK. I invested a lot of emotion and faith in that. But, when things didn't go the way I thought they should I gradually lost what I thought was hope for the future. That's all any good alcoholic needs, to lose hope for the future, because then s/he is off on another self-justifying bender. My life turned around when I realized that I would be able to survive no matter how life turned out...I think I can trace my real recovery from that moment on.

There are many thousands of people like me who minimized the impact using alcohol and other drugs had on their life and still subsequently lost hope. We all believed that if we didn't look at the real world the way it truly was, then we would be able to control that world and thereby survive it. The hard truth is that we didn't survive that world. Our time using was filled with losses and pain and missed opportunity, and the feelings of all that led to a loss of hope for the future that nearly killed us all. What this teaches me is that I am no different than others who come into the rooms of AA or NA, and that I must not ever forget that, although the facts may not be the same, the feelings are.

As it says in the NA Basic Text, "As long as the ties that bind us together are stronger than those that would tear us apart, all will be well." The ties that bind us together are the feelings we share about the loss of spiritual principles like hope. It is that which allows us to come together in the rooms and know that we share a common bond.

All the best, Roger W.

Emotion rises to the surface...

The other day I found myself watching a cooking show on television. That's not an unusual thing, given how cooking shows are just about my favorite thing to watch. But, the unusual thing is something that happened toward the end of that show ... I started to cry.

Gordon Ramsey, a British celebrity chef, has a show called Kitchen Nightmares. That evening, he traveled to a small restaurant in Philadelphia called The Hot Potato Cafe, to do what he does on this show which is to transform a restaurant that is a bog loser into a success story. He found a kitchen nightmare for sure in this place being run into the ground by three sisters who owned it. With his usual flare and coarse language, Ramsey moved himself into their lives for a few days and changed everything about the Cafe. He engineered changes from the signs on the building to the menus, from the putrid potato skin entrée's to the life of the young chef, a 21-year old girl, who hated her job and didn't even see herself as a real chef.

And, that's where the emotion came into the story. This young girl, the niece of one of the owners, was pressed into being the restaurant's chef when she never had any prior experience, never went to chef school, and hated every moment of her time in that kitchen. Despite the fact that she was literally pushing garbage out the kitchen door to the unsuspecting diners, she had a flare for cooking and did the best she could given the circumstances of the failing restaurant. In fact, as Ramsey found out very quickly, it was the passion that this girl had that kept the operation afloat. He exploited that as the ground upon which he would build a new restaurant.

When he started to talk to this young woman with compassion and kindness and a very accurate critique of her work, my eyes started to tear up. Here was this lost soul who was busting her hump trying to make the impossible work every day, who was suddenly being recognized by an expert chef for her talent, skill and devotion to duty. Here was "The Boss" of all bosses, seeing her for what she really was and pulling her toward success. Here was someone who needed love and affection and was being given it by the most unlikely of all sources...Chef Ramsey who is known for his relentless, scathing, and no-holds-barred diatribes against restaurant owners and their crews. It was impressive to watch, and it affected me tremendously.

I literally started to cry when he took this young woman under his wing. He sheltered her and encouraged her and taught her how to get the very best from herself. And, by doing so, he did the same to me. I watched and identified with this young woman. I remember how much I appreciated having Homer Page in my life, a man who took me aside and guided me in the early moments of my working life. When I was pressing hard in my public relations career and going nowhere, Page came into my life and saw that I had talent in photography and encouraged me by teaching me how to get the best from whatever skill and talent I had. And, like Ramsey did for that woman, Page set the standard for me where I could excel.

So...there I sat, in front of a television, crying over a cooking show! At first I wondered why, but then it came to me...there's no question that I miss Page very, very much. He was the most influential man in my business life and a model for me in my personal life. Page died more than 25 years ago and it's as if he left me only yesterday. All it takes is a cooking show to remind me of that loss. But also feel the depth of the tremendous gratitude I have that he was in my life to put his arm around me and say, "Good job...now go out there and do it!"... just like Gordon Ramsey.

All the best, Roger W.

Ramblings of the mind...

Some thoughts that have been kicking around in my mind...

There's a new magazine that's out called Renew that is aimed at the recovering community. I'm not sure what the distribution of this is, or who the publisher really is. The mast says it comes from Chicago by way of Renew Media LLC in New York state. But, the scuttlebutt is that a well-known treatment and publishing center in the mid-West (a place I cannot mention in my blog because of rules where I work) is the real publisher. It's hard to tell. The magazine has two very large ads for this treatment center and its publishing arm, and they are scattered all over the place at the facility where I work. So, there's a very good chance this is really an in-house promotional piece for recovery masquerading as a real mass-media magazine. Regardless, the magazine has a lot of appeal. Its articles are varied and interesting. It is a combination of old school pop psychology and new age speak about recovery, body balance, and nutrition. Look for it on your local new stand.

There's a new web page called In The Rooms that is also targeting people in recovery. The website offers what they call the world's largest free online social network for the global recovery community. It seems like a safe and secure place to find old friends, make new friends, seek help in recovery, create a group, find a local meeting of a variety of 12 Step programs, listen to speaker tapes, and send instant messages. Apparently there are more than 120,000 members already (I signed up) in over 50 countries. More than 17 fellowships are represented in their various rooms. So, check out www.intherooms.com and see what interests you in recovery.

One of the part of In The Rooms is the speakers tapes section. I found a young man named Alf J there, a Canadian who delivered a short speech to a group in Canada at one time. He makes a lot of sense about what the 12 Steps of recovery mean to someone who has been clean a while - he said he's been sober since 2003. I thought you might want to listen about the spiritual journey this man is on, so I've enclosed a link here to listen to it...takes about 17 minutes.... just copy the following link and past it into your url address bar:  http://www.intherooms.com/library/speaker?filter=aa.

Everything else seems to be going reasonably well today. As they say, a bad day clean is better than any good day using, and that applies to me today.

All the best, Roger W.

The NA Way...

I was reading the new edition of The NA Way today and came across an article in it that was written by a fellow recovering addict from Canada. I thought I'd pass it along as a great article about how people manage to stay clean only by entering the door of recovery...the Second Step of our 12 Step program. Enjoy!

Step Two


You know those Magic Eye® puzzles found in newspapers? I could never do
them. I’d try…and never get anything. And then, one day, I noticed something
below the picture: step-by-step directions. Well, I’d never followed directions
for anything, so I guessed this was an opportunity to practice the principle of
open-mindedness that Step Two suggests. When I followed the directions, the
picture came to life right before my eyes! It was through this experience that I was
able to look at Step Two in a new way. Coming into recovery, I found that
when I put down drugs, my behavior from “out there” automatically kicked in.
If I didn’t know something, I’d just make anything up and eventually believe it to
be true. NA offers step-by-step direction on how to “stop using drugs, lose
the desire to use, and find a new way to live.” Even though I wanted it on my own
terms, I realized these “directions” might provide a solution for me.
NA teaches us that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting
different results. For me, that meant if I was going to give recovery a shot, I
needed to do something different, and that meant learning to follow directions.

The directions are clear and simple:

                               • Attend meetings regularly.

                               • Work with a sponsor.

                               • Do some service work.

                               • Work the steps.

Oddly enough, I always thought of myself as a leader. However, true leaders
know when to take and follow direction. If I was going to master recovery and serve
as a leader, I was going to need to learn how to follow, to surrender. Much like
when I learned to see the Magic Eye®, the instant I surrendered to the process,
a new dimension revealed itself. I came to believe in the program and what it had
to offer. When I surrendered the insanity of my way and started to follow this new
path, life revealed itself in a way I had never experienced before.

Anonymous, Manitoba, Canada
Reprinted with permission from the November
2010 Manitoba Area Newsline

“Reprinted with permission from NA Way Magazine, January 2011

All the best, Roger W.

Handling bad news...

I've recently been told that a close friend's wife was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. This comes as a shock, not only because she appeared to be a healthy woman, but also because my friend - who has major chronic disease - always assumed he would die before his wife would. It doesn't look like that's the plan and this comes as a big, painful surprise to everyone.

Bad news, no matter what shape it comes in, is never expected. We can train ourselves to "hope for the best, but expect the worse", but, somehow when it strikes, truly bad news is never easy to deal with. This is the way this news is for my friend and I today. He feels "this is not the way it was supposed to work out" and this sadness over the unexpected turn of events in his life causes him a great deal of grief. But, under the surface of this is an anger...a righteous anger that things ought not go the way they are going and that someone (God) is at fault for this.

Whenever I come in contact with this kind of sadness, I am reminded of the book by Rabbi Harold Kushner called When Bad Things Happen To Good People. This book, that chronicles the struggle his own family went through when their young son was diagnosed with progeria (a disease of rapid aging and premature death). Kushner could hardly stand it. He watched as his son suffered and died way before his time, and he railed against a God who would do such a thing to his small son. In fact, such an event was for Kushner - who was trained as a rabbi and became a spiritual leader for many people - something that shook his faith and forced him to question everything he had ever thought or believed about God.

I will not be ruining the book's experience for anyone here by giving away a central discovery Kushner came to that helped him through this experience. In effect, Kushner challenged the common concepts of an all-knowing and all-powerful God by suggesting that, perhaps, God is no more powerful to correct the course of life than we are. He argued that it could very well be that, once he set the world as we know it in motion, forces took over that were greater than even God's power to control or influence. Once sickness was introduced into the human system, even God could not forestall it's inevitable conclusion.

It's in times like these that I remember Kushner's words. It is somehow consoling to me to know that God is no more capable of taking away ovarian cancer from a relatively young woman than her doctors are. It is somehow satisfying to me to realize that we men and women do what we can to alleviate suffering and hardship, but that there is only so much we can do against forces that seem to live on their own. And, it is enormously comforting to feel the presence of a God who weeps alongside of me as I suffer these things.

I cannot yet tell my friend this...the wound is too raw. But, at some point I will and hopefully, God willing, he will feel the same level of comfort knowing that a very powerful entity walks with him through this pain and grief. This is what I pray for these days.

All the best, Roger W.

PS on gratitude...

Well...strange things can sometimes happen.

I found out that my PSA level (that measures if I have any recurrence of cancer) has gone down since my last test three months ago. It went from 0.25 in March, to 0.24 today...not a lot of movement, but enough for the doctor to give me a big thumbs up and tell me not to worry any more about what is going on.

It's great news! With all that we have been going through since February, it is astounding news that the level are receding. The doctor attributes this to the fact I may just be a man who has a rise in PSA level for some, unknown reason, not necessarily because it is cancer. So, I'm out of the weeds it seems. We'll test it every three months just to check.

Now, my gratitude has increased even more. A cancer scare is never a good thing, but, in my case, I think it accomplished a couple of things. Foremost is that it tested my faith. Those who know me understand I am not a flamboyantly religious person, but I have developed a level of faith in the great forces of our universe that there is a guiding set of principles which - if you are in harmony with them - will guide me in the right direction. In this case, the direction was to maintain confidence that this scare was only that...a scare. To accept it as it was unfolding was difficult at times, but I did accept what was happening as it presented itself, without having a prolonged bout of sadness, regret, or anger. I was told by everyone that, if I kept the faith, all would turn out OK. And it did. Also, this episode bonded me closer to people. I felt a deep connection to my family, Twyla, George, Mary Kay, Marilyn, and Michael - my main support system. They never let me languish in self pity or dwell on the negative aspects of this problem. In fact, Twyla even said that if we concentrate real hard on positive things about this that we can drive the PSA level down...and it did! Amazing.

But, perhaps one of the most important things to come out of this is gratitude. To see the people at Mayo, with an array of devastating illnesses, walk through the experience of treatment with dignity and often good humor, was very important for me to do. It gave me perspective on my own life. It made my life more valuable to me.  It chopped hard at my self-centeredness and made me grateful.

They say in Narcotics Anonymous that, "A grateful addict will never use." I am that grateful addict who has a host of friends, overall good health, a good job, great family, and a bright future. Now, what more could a guy ask for?...except perhaps to catch that hulking 20+ pound large mouth bass on fly line!

All the best, Roger W.

Gratitude...

Sitting in the waiting room of the Mayo Clinic's urology department makes me grateful.

There's the usual assortment of people with medical problems you might find in any waiting room. But, this is not just any waiting room. It's finely appointed with comfortable furniture and high windowed walls of streaming sunlight to make waiting actually pleasurable. There's the low level chatter of the people and the occasional worker who goes arouNd gently calling out names for appointments. There's even an elderly woman who walks from chair the chair and makes you thnk she is dusting the furniture when actually she's smiling and chatting and answering questions and directing people around...a clinic hostess disguised as a gadfly.

But, despite all this stimulation, you eventually get down to the reasons people are here. Whether retirees clutching valuable medical records or businessmen frantically typing away on laptops, each person here is waiting for the latest news about an illness so severe that it brings them to this waiting room of the nation's most prestigious hospital. They have walkers and wheelchairs, crutches and colostomy bags. Some have anxious faces and others look strangely serene. But all of them have an air of anticipation broken only by the sudden relief of having their name called to see their doctor who will treat them.

I too have reason to be here and use my worry time to write in this blog. I look around me at the kerchiefed heads hiding the baldness of radiation treatment and the legs straightened by braces and the People in wheelchairs and give thanks to my higher power I can walk into the examining room, sit in a chair,and hear and speak to my doctor. My case, so far, is not that bad. But I am incredibly grateful for having the chance to be here among these survivors of disease in such a wonderful place.

We hope for the best, and an addendum to this entry will obviously come when the test results are known. Until then, I am thankful.

All the best, Roger W.

It's time to get back to work!

After more than nine months away from this blog, it's time to get back at it.

A lot has happened during this time, and I've debated whether or not I ought to talk about it all in this space. In every respect, I have thought of The Happy Hour as a place to talk about spirituality and growth in recovery, and not so much a place to talk about problems. But, I think the mention of them is unavoidable because, ultimately, my experience during the past several months speaks directly to the influence of spirituality in my life.

I struggled at work starting in October last year, and, right up until about three weeks ago, I wasn't certain if I would have a job at my current employer (a place that forbids me from using its name in this blog) or not. As it turns out, I did stay with that employer, albeit in a very different capacity than I was in before. Now, after months of wrangling, I've landed on my feet as an outpatient counselor in a clinic not far from my home. It's a good thing too because I needed to stay with that employer in order to ensure I had health insurance.

The health insurance problem came about because in February I found out that the cancer that I was operated on for in 2004 has reoccurred. As the doctors at the Mayo Clinic put it, I have about a quarter of a raindrop-sized collection of cancer cells in the prostate bed in my lower abdomen. We know this because the PSA count - the way in which doctors measure if cancer is growing - stands at .25 on a large scale that can extend up to 20-30. Now, that isn't altogether that bad except that it ought to be zero because I do not have a prostate that would be generating the antigens that the PSA test measures. So, .25 is a significant enough level for doctors to start worrying about it. They say that we will not have to treat the cancer until the level is between 1.0 and 2.0, so there may be a fair amount of time before something has to happen. My next test is June 29th, so more will be known at that time as to how fast this is growing.

The health insurance part was a problem because, should I have had to leave my employer anytime this past winter and spring, I would not have been insured by a new health plan because the cancer reoccurrence would be considered a pre-existing condition. Lots of worry for several months as I tried to figure out how to get a new job within the same company.

Well...it did work out. And, I'm grateful for that.

One of the things that helped me get through this mess this year was the strength that I got from a new partner. Twyla came into my life at just about the same time I got the news about the cancer. What a blessing and breath of fresh air. She is one of those people who you think you have known all your life despite the fact you may have just met her. She's warm and kind, interested in you and what is happening to you, considerate and patient to the max, and very supportive of who you are as a person. She is a registered nurse and was a great support to me when we thought I might have an advanced form of cancer. She insists on being positive and aggressively pursues healthy outlets like going the the YMCA, bicycle riding, walking the dog twice a day and eating healthfully...all things I struggle with as a man. She supplements me beautifully.

I am very grateful for her in my life.

Add to all this that I am still toiling away at the dissertation and maybe you get a fix on why it is that I let the blog slip to the wayside for a while. Well...I'm back. And, I want to tell the story I have described above as a great lesson in spirituality for me. There were several points this past winter when I wanted to call it quits, march into the boss's office and tell her to stick the job and all that goes with it. And, there were many times when I wanted to give up about the cancer because I started to fantasize about the utter futility of treating it again. But, in both cases, I let the problem go. I let it go so that it could be dealt with within the great cosmic system of my belief in a higher power that guides life for me. Somehow, for some reason, I had to go through what I went through with the job and the cancer these past six months. I may not know why for a long time, but I do believe that eventually it will all come together and I will understand why life unfolded for me this way in 2011.

Until that time, I intend to continue to practice a program of recovery based on knowing that I cannot control the great forces that seen to run the world and my part in it. Instead, all I can do is have faith that life goes the way it ought to and that, as it says in the AA Big Book on page 417..."Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake."

All the best, Roger