Every now and then, as I walk by a bookcase, my eye will drift to a set of audio tapes I have entitled "Your Personal Power" by motivational speaker Tony Robbins. Ten tapes sit in their little boxes inside a cardboard case, all neat and tidy and ready to go, but hardly used. In fact, I've never listened to more than three of them since I got them. A while ago I decided to check them out for some reason and snapped a cassette into the old portable tape recorder I have and started to listen to tape number one again as I had that first day in 1996. It's had a real affect on me this time.
Robbins presents information in these tapes that is designed to motivate a person to action. Personal power to accomplish things in life lies within, he maintains, and all a person really needs to do is tap into that power source and their lives will be transformed from one of a person who only dreams of accomplishment to one who actually has accomplishment in their life. It's all pretty good stuff. I'm drawn to Robbins, as many are, because of his charisma and energy. But, I'm also drawn to him because he has popularized the notion that to have once been hopelessly addicted, without a trace of faith that anything can change, does not destine someone to a the dust pile of life...he has overcome addiction (I think it was to food and not necessarily to drugs) and gone on to build an empire, not only financially, but spiritually as well.
I, like so many who have bought his tapes, did not follow through and listen to them all after I got them. Instead, I said to myself that I know all about that stuff and he's just too simplistic about complex problems of living. I found no need to do the exercises he suggests and thought very little about his basic premise, i.e., we are able to change our lives if we change the way we think. Then, one day several years ago, I discovered what he was up to. What Robbins has done is customize and popularize a form of mental conditioning called Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) that attacks and changes the way we think about life in ways that have been poor adaptations to the challenges we experience. I knew about NLP and actually used it as a device to help my patients overcome their negative thoughts about themselves that always led them to using drugs. In many respects it works well to help a person change...I just never really believed it could help me.
NLP relies on not only analyzing what we think about problems - being overweight, using drugs, having a lousy job, being in a bad relationship - but also doing something about that thinking. Robbins teaches that what people really need to do is make quick and subtle changes in the way we do things in order to one day realize that change has actually taken place. It's the baby steps idea. But, it is also more than that. He is a powerful personal coach and has a non-stop chatter that keeps you moving forward in your thinking rather than drift to old and comfortable ways of avoiding the pain of self-discovery and self-actualization. That's why each of these tapes has an exercise attached that is homework a person must do today in order to move forward to the next level tomorrow. And, if you take those exercises seriously, you'll change. It's inevitable.
So, I am trying to change some things in my life and I turn to Robbins for help. My first assignment (decide on one thing I want to change and write it down and take one small, immediate step toward achieving it) was to finally sit down and plan out how I was going to lose some weight. I wrote down my goal and thought of one step I could take toward reaching it. I set a goal of 50 pounds and picked up the phone and called Nutrisystem to order their meal plan. So far, a few months into it, I've lost 38 pounds.
What keeps me going? It's is the Robbins tape that challenged me to finally abandon those old, worn out and broken thoughts that had consistently failed to get me to lose weight. I didn't set out to lose it all at once, and I didn't have an exercise that would guarantee I would drop it all at once. Rather, I had a plan and took one small step at first and a bunch of small steps since that have led me out of the woods into the sunshine of a healthier life. In effect, I've brain washed myself into thinking I could lose the weight and then went on automatic pilot thinking that drives me to eat the Nutrisystem meals and stick to the program.
For some people, the idea that brain washing happens this way is odious to them. But, for me, my brain did need some washing when it came to weight as I zoomed up each year one or two or three pounds until I was grossly overweight. Now that it has been washed with the cleanser of NLP and the belief that losing one or two or three pounds at a time is possible for me I feel rewarded and have much more confidence I can go all the way. It's not easy, but it's the Robbins NLP that worked in this case.
Now I'm turning my attention to other problems. And, I've got some. But, I'm determined to deal with them in another way other than the old familiar ways that have not changed a thing for decades. It's all thanks to Tony Robbins, for sure, but it is also thanks to my belief that there is power back in my life today that can help me achieve my goals.
All the best, Roger W.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
People, Places, Things & Situations...
I was recounting the other day to one of my patients that it would be necessary for him to get a host of new friends in recovery if he had any chance to remain clean and sober after treatment. This came as a blow to him. It was a direct assault on not only one of his relapse warning signs, but also on his reservations about recovery in general. Come to find out, he had been telephoning old using buddies throughout his stay in treatment and had elaborate plans to hang with them afterwards.
The old saying in the 12 Step programs is, "If you hang around a barber shop for a while, sooner or later you're gonna get a haircut." I told him that it was virtually inevitable that, should he decide to hang around with old, using friends, he would again pickup drugs right where he left off. Of course, this didn't go down well with him and he scoffed at the idea he could not do what he wanted at first. But, soon, the tears came as he sobbed about how lonely he was and how desperate he was for the bonding companionship of his friends. In fact, his association with them went far beyond just mutual support for using...it had become the core value in his life and he saw himself as someone who could not survive outside the tight gravitational pull of the group to which he belonged outside of treatment. Given this, I did what I usually do with these young men: I told him my story and what I had to do to stay clean and sober. I told him of how, in early sobriety, I had to pull out of three key relationships in my life in order to stay off alcohol and other drugs.
I told him of having to say goodbye to Larry, a close friend with whom I shared many great times and a close bond. I had laughed with him and cried with him. I had many long conversations about important issues of the day with him. My wife and I, together with Roberta and Larry became a wonderful team it seemed. I admired him for his comeback in life and how hard he worked. But, most of all, I liked Larry because he always had a lot of booze and had become one of the biggest cocaine dealers in New England. When I got clean, I knew I had to avoid him to stay well. He was still using and dealing. So, I shunned him. He never forgot or forgave me for that and a few years later when I tried to hook back up with him because I heard he was finally sober, he hung up the phone on me. I hurt, but I stayed clean.
I told him of David and how I used to help him with his political campaigns. I had an easy-going, familiar, and honest relationship with David. We talked politics for hours and I am the one who convinced him to get an MBA degree, and he did, and he became an important businessman in his community. I even forgave David for becoming a Republican! And, it didn't seem possible that "we" would ever end. But, there never was a day that David and I got together that we weren't drinking a beer and smoking a joint. I regret I never went to his wedding, but, at the time, I couldn't sit in a hall full of these old friends using around me and still hope to stay clean, so I passed on it, never gave him an explanation, and haven't heard from him since. I hurt, but I stayed clean.
And, then there was Stephen. He was the closest to me of all the men I have ever met in my life at the time. A true brother to me that I never had. He was exciting as a politician and an intellectual and we would hatch great plans for the universe in our kitchens over tea. He was always the center of attention and I basked in the reflection of everyone soon coming to know that we were the best of friends and I, of all the people we knew, was closest to him. He took me to Washington with him and got me work and we tore up that town with hard work and plenty of ideas and had a lot of fun. I was never really out of his sight for more than a few days for nearly 20 years. We were a pair, we were sharp as razors, we were accomplished young men, we were fun and exciting, and, we were nearly always loaded. Hardly a day passed in all the time we were together when we weren't drinking or smoking weed. Saying goodbye to him that day in May was the hardest thing I ever did. I hurt, but I stayed clean.
Now, when the topic comes up of having to save your own life and make the tough choices for recovery, I always tell people about having to walk away from these men. I tell them of the pain and sorrow, the grief and the confusion, and the longing and the loneliness of being without them. But, I also tell how I survived the temptations to give in to the pressure inside that wanted me to compromise my deepest value for saving my own life in favor of companionship. I tell them of the new friends I have...one is a man who I greatly respect and in whom I have placed my trust and love...where the bonds are much stronger than they were with Larry, David and Stephen. And, I tell them of the joy of knowing that there is nothing hidden in my life today that can cause me to use alcohol or any other drug.
When I look back on the people, places, things and situations that could have destroyed my life, I marvel at the courage I have been able to find to make the tough choices about who I want in my life and who I have to walk away from. I would not have done it differently were I to have the chance to do it again. I know that I may or may not see these men again, but, regardless, I'll stay clean.
All the best, Roger W.
The old saying in the 12 Step programs is, "If you hang around a barber shop for a while, sooner or later you're gonna get a haircut." I told him that it was virtually inevitable that, should he decide to hang around with old, using friends, he would again pickup drugs right where he left off. Of course, this didn't go down well with him and he scoffed at the idea he could not do what he wanted at first. But, soon, the tears came as he sobbed about how lonely he was and how desperate he was for the bonding companionship of his friends. In fact, his association with them went far beyond just mutual support for using...it had become the core value in his life and he saw himself as someone who could not survive outside the tight gravitational pull of the group to which he belonged outside of treatment. Given this, I did what I usually do with these young men: I told him my story and what I had to do to stay clean and sober. I told him of how, in early sobriety, I had to pull out of three key relationships in my life in order to stay off alcohol and other drugs.
I told him of having to say goodbye to Larry, a close friend with whom I shared many great times and a close bond. I had laughed with him and cried with him. I had many long conversations about important issues of the day with him. My wife and I, together with Roberta and Larry became a wonderful team it seemed. I admired him for his comeback in life and how hard he worked. But, most of all, I liked Larry because he always had a lot of booze and had become one of the biggest cocaine dealers in New England. When I got clean, I knew I had to avoid him to stay well. He was still using and dealing. So, I shunned him. He never forgot or forgave me for that and a few years later when I tried to hook back up with him because I heard he was finally sober, he hung up the phone on me. I hurt, but I stayed clean.
I told him of David and how I used to help him with his political campaigns. I had an easy-going, familiar, and honest relationship with David. We talked politics for hours and I am the one who convinced him to get an MBA degree, and he did, and he became an important businessman in his community. I even forgave David for becoming a Republican! And, it didn't seem possible that "we" would ever end. But, there never was a day that David and I got together that we weren't drinking a beer and smoking a joint. I regret I never went to his wedding, but, at the time, I couldn't sit in a hall full of these old friends using around me and still hope to stay clean, so I passed on it, never gave him an explanation, and haven't heard from him since. I hurt, but I stayed clean.
And, then there was Stephen. He was the closest to me of all the men I have ever met in my life at the time. A true brother to me that I never had. He was exciting as a politician and an intellectual and we would hatch great plans for the universe in our kitchens over tea. He was always the center of attention and I basked in the reflection of everyone soon coming to know that we were the best of friends and I, of all the people we knew, was closest to him. He took me to Washington with him and got me work and we tore up that town with hard work and plenty of ideas and had a lot of fun. I was never really out of his sight for more than a few days for nearly 20 years. We were a pair, we were sharp as razors, we were accomplished young men, we were fun and exciting, and, we were nearly always loaded. Hardly a day passed in all the time we were together when we weren't drinking or smoking weed. Saying goodbye to him that day in May was the hardest thing I ever did. I hurt, but I stayed clean.
Now, when the topic comes up of having to save your own life and make the tough choices for recovery, I always tell people about having to walk away from these men. I tell them of the pain and sorrow, the grief and the confusion, and the longing and the loneliness of being without them. But, I also tell how I survived the temptations to give in to the pressure inside that wanted me to compromise my deepest value for saving my own life in favor of companionship. I tell them of the new friends I have...one is a man who I greatly respect and in whom I have placed my trust and love...where the bonds are much stronger than they were with Larry, David and Stephen. And, I tell them of the joy of knowing that there is nothing hidden in my life today that can cause me to use alcohol or any other drug.
When I look back on the people, places, things and situations that could have destroyed my life, I marvel at the courage I have been able to find to make the tough choices about who I want in my life and who I have to walk away from. I would not have done it differently were I to have the chance to do it again. I know that I may or may not see these men again, but, regardless, I'll stay clean.
All the best, Roger W.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Just for Today...
My Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous fell from my desk recently and flipped open to page 100. "Just for Today" is written on that page, and I took it as a sign that there was a need for me to review that series of slogans in my life. It goes like this:
Tell yourself:
Just for today my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.
Just for today I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
Just for today I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability.
Just for today through NA I will try to get a better perspective on my life.
Just for Today I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new ways of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
Some of you may recognize a few of these phrases for I have consistently used parts of Just for Today in several blog entries. There is a reason for that...I believe wholeheartedly in what this says because Just for Today saved my life.
When I first got clean in 1987, I used to go to meetings at a place called the Crossroads Club in Delray Beach FL. The people and meetings there made such a strong emotional impression on me that I can picture the faces of the people in those rooms to this day. And, I remember their names...Jerry, the gambler with the massive cocaine addition; Kennedy, the weightlifter who would do two or three 12-step calls on suffering addicts a week; Don, my sponsor, who was 66 years old and had 6 strong years of recovery under his belt; Bobby, the suicidal pot smoker, who survived a shotgun blast to his face after a busted attempt to shoot himself. The people and more formed the core of healthy people that I initially relied upon to save my life.
At first, surrounded by all these recovering addicts whose using lives seemed so much more chaotic and hopeless than my relatively normal existence, I felt I didn't fit in. "I was different" I said to myself. Don was the first to remind me that no one gets to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous by mistake and there was a reason for me being there. He was right: My inability to live in the moment, in the day, in the time I had been given to live a productive life...that inability to live life on life's terms was the chief cause for the collapse of my life that was directly related to my use of drugs. He is the one who first took me to Just for Today, and I have never looked back since.
Today, I only think about recovery and living life as best I can. Today, I have faith that someone wants to help me and is there for me when I need him or her. Today, I have a strong program of recovery and I follow its guidance. Today, I have a true perspective on my life. And, today, I am unafraid of life and I focus on what I have with respect and gratitude.
That's all I really need to do to stay well. It is so simple. It is elegant. It is real. For the book to flip open at this page could be due to its well-worn groove in the binding. Or, one might say it's a reminder for me to look carefully at my life today to see that I am living one day at a time. It makes no difference which it is. I just take it as it comes to me with all the goodness and hope that it provides.
So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
Tell yourself:
Just for today my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.
Just for today I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
Just for today I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability.
Just for today through NA I will try to get a better perspective on my life.
Just for Today I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new ways of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
Some of you may recognize a few of these phrases for I have consistently used parts of Just for Today in several blog entries. There is a reason for that...I believe wholeheartedly in what this says because Just for Today saved my life.
When I first got clean in 1987, I used to go to meetings at a place called the Crossroads Club in Delray Beach FL. The people and meetings there made such a strong emotional impression on me that I can picture the faces of the people in those rooms to this day. And, I remember their names...Jerry, the gambler with the massive cocaine addition; Kennedy, the weightlifter who would do two or three 12-step calls on suffering addicts a week; Don, my sponsor, who was 66 years old and had 6 strong years of recovery under his belt; Bobby, the suicidal pot smoker, who survived a shotgun blast to his face after a busted attempt to shoot himself. The people and more formed the core of healthy people that I initially relied upon to save my life.
At first, surrounded by all these recovering addicts whose using lives seemed so much more chaotic and hopeless than my relatively normal existence, I felt I didn't fit in. "I was different" I said to myself. Don was the first to remind me that no one gets to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous by mistake and there was a reason for me being there. He was right: My inability to live in the moment, in the day, in the time I had been given to live a productive life...that inability to live life on life's terms was the chief cause for the collapse of my life that was directly related to my use of drugs. He is the one who first took me to Just for Today, and I have never looked back since.
Today, I only think about recovery and living life as best I can. Today, I have faith that someone wants to help me and is there for me when I need him or her. Today, I have a strong program of recovery and I follow its guidance. Today, I have a true perspective on my life. And, today, I am unafraid of life and I focus on what I have with respect and gratitude.
That's all I really need to do to stay well. It is so simple. It is elegant. It is real. For the book to flip open at this page could be due to its well-worn groove in the binding. Or, one might say it's a reminder for me to look carefully at my life today to see that I am living one day at a time. It makes no difference which it is. I just take it as it comes to me with all the goodness and hope that it provides.
So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Relapse Prevention...
For a while now I have felt compelled to write about spirituality in recovery. I think this comes from my study of the spiritual transformation that men can go through in recovery and how studying all the time on this can shift my focus away from other aspects of recovery. But, one can easily say that relapse prevention is an important topic in recovery and is something that many people put on the front burner of their recovery stove.
I strongly believe that, while ideas about relapse prevention are vital for anyone in recovery, these ideas alone are not sufficient to stay clean and sober. As Bill W. said in the AA Big Book, self-knowledge alone is insufficient. So too is knowledge about relapse warning signs, triggers and high risk situations that threaten recovery not sufficient to combat the cravings and urges to use. There is really only one, unchanging "device" that will ultimately defeat the cravings and urges to drink or take drugs...a spiritual transformation in a person's life. We've talked a lot about that here on The Happy Hour. But, there is room here also for talking about techniques that can help a person go through their days with ease and comfort rather than being tossed about by the forces of relapse.
These techniques are fairly well known. Generally, they are methods that a person considers for combating specific relapse warning signs, triggers and high risk situations that might erupt during a typical day. The methods themselves are usually not spectacular. Instead, they are each geared toward addressing a specific relapse warning sign in a simple, straight-forward, and speedy way. The source for knowing what relapse warning signs are for me comes from my Step Four work whereby I do an inventory of my life and identify those things that were warning signs, triggers, or high risk situations in my past. Once armed with the list of things that threaten my recovery, I am in a place where I can construct a set of counter-measures that will defeat them. An example would be that I know certain people in my past are dangerous for me. I have honestly looked at these relationships and determined that associating with these people put me at high risk for relapse. Knowing this, I not only list them as risks, but I also have a plan as to how I am going to cut them out of my daily life and handle situations in which I might meet them (like as the grocery store). Another example might be red wine as a dangerous thing for me. When I find myself in situations in which I used to drink red wine, or times when I might be asked to drink a glass of red wine, or when I might be surrounded by people who are drinking red wine, I develop a plan to handle these temptations.
I developed my own relapse prevention plan many years ago under the tutelage of my first sponsor, Don, who taught me how to be aware of relapse warning signs, triggers, and high risk situations that can creep back into my life. I renew it once a year on an index card system I keep with me constantly. Don also taught me one valuable aspect to this system: The list of warning signs is based solely on what I know once happened to me to cause me to drink and take drugs, not on what might happen to me to make me do so. Any traditionally taught relapse prevention program emphasizes looking at the past for trouble that might arise in the future. While it is likely that old warning signs will undoubtedly return in a person's lifetime, the fact of the matter is that just thinking about the past issues is not sufficient. Any good relapse prevention plan must account for the unknown, and that is where most of this intellectual stuff about relapse prevention begins to break down. It is simply impossible to list out all the potential ways that I might relapse, so I am largely stuck with what I know about the past unless I invest in something else to augment a relapse prevention system.
That's where spirituality comes back into the picture. The only true way to ensure that I do not use drugs is to invest in a process of hope and faith in a power greater than myself that can guide me through a day in which I might get whacked with a whole series of new temptations to use. If I believe in this process - that I will find the power to overcome anything that threatens my recovery - then I am inoculated against the dangers of relapse, at least for today. Of course, when you combine the two processes of a relapse prevention scheme with spirituality, the possibilities of relapse decline exponentially. This is a good thing.
Today, I am thinking of Don (who died a few years ago clean and sober for 26 years) and what he taught me along with the principles of my Narcotics Anonymous program that is based on spiritual growth and accomplishment. So long as I follow those ways, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
I strongly believe that, while ideas about relapse prevention are vital for anyone in recovery, these ideas alone are not sufficient to stay clean and sober. As Bill W. said in the AA Big Book, self-knowledge alone is insufficient. So too is knowledge about relapse warning signs, triggers and high risk situations that threaten recovery not sufficient to combat the cravings and urges to use. There is really only one, unchanging "device" that will ultimately defeat the cravings and urges to drink or take drugs...a spiritual transformation in a person's life. We've talked a lot about that here on The Happy Hour. But, there is room here also for talking about techniques that can help a person go through their days with ease and comfort rather than being tossed about by the forces of relapse.
These techniques are fairly well known. Generally, they are methods that a person considers for combating specific relapse warning signs, triggers and high risk situations that might erupt during a typical day. The methods themselves are usually not spectacular. Instead, they are each geared toward addressing a specific relapse warning sign in a simple, straight-forward, and speedy way. The source for knowing what relapse warning signs are for me comes from my Step Four work whereby I do an inventory of my life and identify those things that were warning signs, triggers, or high risk situations in my past. Once armed with the list of things that threaten my recovery, I am in a place where I can construct a set of counter-measures that will defeat them. An example would be that I know certain people in my past are dangerous for me. I have honestly looked at these relationships and determined that associating with these people put me at high risk for relapse. Knowing this, I not only list them as risks, but I also have a plan as to how I am going to cut them out of my daily life and handle situations in which I might meet them (like as the grocery store). Another example might be red wine as a dangerous thing for me. When I find myself in situations in which I used to drink red wine, or times when I might be asked to drink a glass of red wine, or when I might be surrounded by people who are drinking red wine, I develop a plan to handle these temptations.
I developed my own relapse prevention plan many years ago under the tutelage of my first sponsor, Don, who taught me how to be aware of relapse warning signs, triggers, and high risk situations that can creep back into my life. I renew it once a year on an index card system I keep with me constantly. Don also taught me one valuable aspect to this system: The list of warning signs is based solely on what I know once happened to me to cause me to drink and take drugs, not on what might happen to me to make me do so. Any traditionally taught relapse prevention program emphasizes looking at the past for trouble that might arise in the future. While it is likely that old warning signs will undoubtedly return in a person's lifetime, the fact of the matter is that just thinking about the past issues is not sufficient. Any good relapse prevention plan must account for the unknown, and that is where most of this intellectual stuff about relapse prevention begins to break down. It is simply impossible to list out all the potential ways that I might relapse, so I am largely stuck with what I know about the past unless I invest in something else to augment a relapse prevention system.
That's where spirituality comes back into the picture. The only true way to ensure that I do not use drugs is to invest in a process of hope and faith in a power greater than myself that can guide me through a day in which I might get whacked with a whole series of new temptations to use. If I believe in this process - that I will find the power to overcome anything that threatens my recovery - then I am inoculated against the dangers of relapse, at least for today. Of course, when you combine the two processes of a relapse prevention scheme with spirituality, the possibilities of relapse decline exponentially. This is a good thing.
Today, I am thinking of Don (who died a few years ago clean and sober for 26 years) and what he taught me along with the principles of my Narcotics Anonymous program that is based on spiritual growth and accomplishment. So long as I follow those ways, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
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