A friend of mine and I were discussing New Year's resolutions the other day and she asked me what mine were. I stumbled. I had not really thought about making resolutions in the new year, and my hesitancy showed because I could not immediately think of any one thing that I resolve to do in 2012.
I said that I planned to finish my dissertation and get my PhD. I also said I hope to remain healthy and strong, and that I hoped I would be able to handle whatever came my way during the year. I also said that I plan to stay in touch with my family and friends. But, that's about it. You can see by the weakness of my response - and the fact that none of these are really resolutions in the first place - that I hadn't put much thought into this.
I think I know why. To have resolve for something is to have commitment. In the case of New Year's resolutions, the issue always seems to be whether or not I have the resolve to follow through on what it is that I say I'm going to do. Am I committed, all in, as they say in poker, and willing to make the sacrifice that may be necessary to fulfill my commitment? That's the big question at this time of year. the trouble seems to be that I am reluctant to make a commitment to anything that smacks of change.
It's clear what I ought to do. I ought to make a resolution to lose weight. I ought to be prepared to shed some pounds in favor of my health and happiness. But, I wonder why I don't do that. It's also clear that I ought to resolve to save money from each paycheck. I also wonder why I don't do that except on the days when I see how close to the financial bone I sometimes have to work. I guess it would also be nice to resolve to walk more and get more exercise in general. Yet, I can't seem to get beyond the uncomfortability and inconvenience of doing that.
So, there are several things I ought to be resolving to do that I'm not. My rationale for this is that I have plenty on my plate now and that I need to follow through on resolutions I made long ago...going for the PhD, working hard at keeping my job, and maintaining a solid relationship with family and friends. Of course the big one is the resolve to remain clean and sober and practice some form of spirituality in my life. But, that is all part of previous years' resolutions that haven't got much to do with new ones for 2012.
I know what I'll do. I'll make the resolution that I will do one kind, thoughtful and unrecognized act of giving a week for the year. This may be something as helpful as donating time to a local food shelter, to continuing a commitment I have through Narcotics Anonymous to bring a meeting into a local detox center each month, to doing a silent act of charity for someone. The trouble of course is that I suppose I have already not fulfilled it because I have announced I will do these things (in violation fo the "unrecognized" part of the resolution), but I guess everyone will just have to wonder whether I actually follow through.
Finding out that will just have to wait until next year when I review what I've done. Until then, Happy New Year!
All the best, Roger W.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Merry Christmas!
May all of my friends and family who read this blog enjoy a happy, safe, and joyous holiday season. I very much appreciate your support for the writing I do here...without you I would not only be unable to have a blog, but I would also not have the sense of love and care that each of you has shown me this past year.
Thanks as well to those readers I do not know. I believe we share a common bond in recovery from addiction and that The Happy Hour is a place where we can go to share our concerns and issues, triumphs and achievements. A wish for the New Year is that I hear from more of you throughout the journey, and that you share with other readers here the joy and happiness that can come from being in recovery.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ONE AND ALL!...
All the best, Roger. W.
Thanks as well to those readers I do not know. I believe we share a common bond in recovery from addiction and that The Happy Hour is a place where we can go to share our concerns and issues, triumphs and achievements. A wish for the New Year is that I hear from more of you throughout the journey, and that you share with other readers here the joy and happiness that can come from being in recovery.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ONE AND ALL!...
All the best, Roger. W.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Anatomy of a relapse...
It's been three days now since I have received a phone call from a person I sponsor in the 12 Step program. As his sponsor, he and I agreed I would work with him to help him maintain abstinence from alcohol...he had ben clean for just over 30 days when he stopped calling me.
Clearly, he has relapsed.
Now, some may wonder how I can be so sure he has relapsed given the many different reasons that exist for why a person might not call. It's true, he might have been in a very bad accident and now be in a hospital bed somewhere. But, the chances of that being the case for a chronic alcoholic are slim to none. Usually, when they stop doing something that is inherently good - like calling their sponsor - they do it because they have relapsed.
It is very possible that he has not had a drink yet. By that I mean, he may very well have relapsed without yet taking that first drink. How does that happen?...It's the nature of the disease of addiction that a relapse does not happen simply by a person putting a drink of a drug into their bodies. Rather, a relapse happens when there is an interruption in a pattern of health that has helped maintain abstinence.
In that case, he has undoubtedly relapsed.
Classic relapse theory does not disappoint us when we study how it is that a person relapses on a drink or a drug. There are usually three reasons for a relapse: 1) that there is some critical life event that has taken place causing a negative emotional state (death of someone close, eviction), and this accounts for about 30% of the cases; 2) interpersonal conflict that accounts for about 15% of the cases; 3) social pressures that account for about 20% of the cases. The remaining 35% of the cases are attributable to a wide diversity of causes and one can easily imagine them.
In this young man's case I suggest it is probably the first condition that has caused this relapse...he is in some negative emotional state. This is probably brought on by a common occurrence with him: He has a tendency to take on an enormous number of projects that place a severe obligation on him, and, when he gets to a certain point of frustration and pain with them all, he drinks in order to reward himself for suffering through them. In other words, this man is so burdened by pressure to perform in so many different spheres - family, work, finances, and internal need for achievement - that he cracks at some point and needs the quick fix of instant pleasure that a cocktail will bring him. He is incapable at that point of reasoning to the downside of taking that cocktail and sees nothing but the relief of the short term pain.
So, he's relapsed...he has probably had a drink, but he has certainly not taken care of the essential processes he must go through daily in order to prevent drinking, and, therefore, has relapsed. What should be my response? This is the art of sponsorship. First, it would be wrong for me to call him. He needs to make that call to me when he is ready, either before he takes that first drink or shortly after it, because for me to call him first will only increase the amount of shame and guilt and further move him away from me. Second, when he does call (as they most often do when they regain their composure and can admit to the relapse) I need to accept him with positive regard and encouragement...something I may not be willing to muster right now because of my disappointment.
There is a lesson in this for all of us. We need to recognize that relapse back to an old habit or addiction starts with small and seemingly insignificant events (no phone call) and can bloom into a full-blown series of problems that take us right back to where we started. The secret to not having this happen is to do what we do when we consider fire prevention...we run fire drills. In this business, we need to run drills about high risk situations, negative emotional situations, interpersonal problems or social pressures to prepare ourselves for the inevitable relapse that will come if we don't succeed in working through them in a healthy way.
In this case, when he calls, we'll start all over again with a fire drill...and hope we never get to this point again.
All the best, Roger W.
Clearly, he has relapsed.
Now, some may wonder how I can be so sure he has relapsed given the many different reasons that exist for why a person might not call. It's true, he might have been in a very bad accident and now be in a hospital bed somewhere. But, the chances of that being the case for a chronic alcoholic are slim to none. Usually, when they stop doing something that is inherently good - like calling their sponsor - they do it because they have relapsed.
It is very possible that he has not had a drink yet. By that I mean, he may very well have relapsed without yet taking that first drink. How does that happen?...It's the nature of the disease of addiction that a relapse does not happen simply by a person putting a drink of a drug into their bodies. Rather, a relapse happens when there is an interruption in a pattern of health that has helped maintain abstinence.
In that case, he has undoubtedly relapsed.
Classic relapse theory does not disappoint us when we study how it is that a person relapses on a drink or a drug. There are usually three reasons for a relapse: 1) that there is some critical life event that has taken place causing a negative emotional state (death of someone close, eviction), and this accounts for about 30% of the cases; 2) interpersonal conflict that accounts for about 15% of the cases; 3) social pressures that account for about 20% of the cases. The remaining 35% of the cases are attributable to a wide diversity of causes and one can easily imagine them.
In this young man's case I suggest it is probably the first condition that has caused this relapse...he is in some negative emotional state. This is probably brought on by a common occurrence with him: He has a tendency to take on an enormous number of projects that place a severe obligation on him, and, when he gets to a certain point of frustration and pain with them all, he drinks in order to reward himself for suffering through them. In other words, this man is so burdened by pressure to perform in so many different spheres - family, work, finances, and internal need for achievement - that he cracks at some point and needs the quick fix of instant pleasure that a cocktail will bring him. He is incapable at that point of reasoning to the downside of taking that cocktail and sees nothing but the relief of the short term pain.
So, he's relapsed...he has probably had a drink, but he has certainly not taken care of the essential processes he must go through daily in order to prevent drinking, and, therefore, has relapsed. What should be my response? This is the art of sponsorship. First, it would be wrong for me to call him. He needs to make that call to me when he is ready, either before he takes that first drink or shortly after it, because for me to call him first will only increase the amount of shame and guilt and further move him away from me. Second, when he does call (as they most often do when they regain their composure and can admit to the relapse) I need to accept him with positive regard and encouragement...something I may not be willing to muster right now because of my disappointment.
There is a lesson in this for all of us. We need to recognize that relapse back to an old habit or addiction starts with small and seemingly insignificant events (no phone call) and can bloom into a full-blown series of problems that take us right back to where we started. The secret to not having this happen is to do what we do when we consider fire prevention...we run fire drills. In this business, we need to run drills about high risk situations, negative emotional situations, interpersonal problems or social pressures to prepare ourselves for the inevitable relapse that will come if we don't succeed in working through them in a healthy way.
In this case, when he calls, we'll start all over again with a fire drill...and hope we never get to this point again.
All the best, Roger W.
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