Studies show that if a recovering addict does absolutely nothing after s/he has been to treatment, no meetings, no spsonsor, no step work, no spiritual practice, no involvement with others in a healthy way, etc., then the chances of them staying clean for a year after treatment are very poor. We are talking about 2-3% of the group will stay clean and sober. That is a very, very small percentage of people of get well after treatment. This is cause for concern.
The same studies show that if a recovering person does one simple thing after treatment, their chances of recovery at the one year mark go up dramatically: About half of the people finishing a treatment program will stay clean and sober for a year or more. That one thing is to make a bond with at least one other person whom you know well, and knows you, and wants to help you in your recovery. Simple and easy to understand. But, for some remarkable reason, few addicts and alcoholics take this step.
Now, among the many things that makes the 12 Step program a product of the genius of Bill W. and Dr. Bob, the one thing that fits well with these modern concepts is their insistence on a recovering person having a sponsor. Sponsors are people who know you, and you know them, and they want to help you with your recovery. Sponsorship is the very thing that can improve the chances of staying clean and sober from 3 people out of a hundred to 50 people out of a hundred. I don't know about anyone else, but I would rather be among the group of 50 than the group of 3.
Sponsorship is all about relationship. Addicts and alcoholics are notorious for having poor relationships. After all, a career of drinking and drugging needs lying, deceit, manipulation, self-centeredness, and grandiosity as tools to get what the addict or alcoholic wants...the ability to use and protect the supply. Add to these overt behaviors the fact that most addicts and alcoholics have very poor boundaries, co-occurring mental health issues, and personal histories that are usually full of abuse and neglect and it is easy to see why building relationships is so hard to do. In fact it is generally true that the only real relationships addicts and alcoholics have are built on resentments - anger about some event from the past - that keeps a person tethered to another person based on the sickness of dislike and sometimes hatred of the other.
This condition cannot hold if a person is to live life happy, joyous and free. We must reach out to others and make healthy bonds with them that are fostered either through the needs of recovery or the desire to help another person. We need to go up to someone at a meeting and tell them how much we admire what they have shared in the meeting, asking them to be our temporary sponsor so a connection can be forged. And, we need to let go of the past so we can rejoin with our families and friends who have long supported us, even when we did not know they truly cared about our lives.
To be part of the larger percentage of people who make it past a year clean and sober, we are going to need to constantly reach beyond our comfort zone and find someone to bond with. Doing that is like vaccinating someone against the horrors of relapse. Such relationships made a big difference in my early recovery and continue to fortify me today.
All the best, Roger W.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
How to cope with anger...
Deepak Chopra reputedly said "Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future." These are very wise words for recovering people who can get trapped by old ways to handle familiar problems.
Just the other day I was talking to one of my patients about anger and how it can be measured on a scale from 0 to 10 where 0 is having no emotion of anger and 10 is the absolute, out of control behavior of rage. At the moment he placed himself at a 7 and said he was there most days. I told him it is no wonder that he so easily flips tables, pounds walls and physically attacks people given that he has very little room to experience and express the emotion of anger in his life...all he really does is express the behavior of rage. He said he understood and we worked on ways to lower his anger on the scale. He said he understood how to do that as he reported he had moved down to a 4 during our talk.
Within 30 minutes, this young man had a fellow patient in a headlock and was thrashing him about the room because he was reacting to that peer's comment about his ethnic heritage. A seemingly innocuous comment from someone threw him into a rage, and he reported he could not remember what he had done, but quickly justified his behaviors as necessary to "protect myself". Unfortunately, this young man was soon discharged from the treatment center and had to go back to the family that had taught him how to be so enraged.
I learned from this episode. We know that we are a species that has built-in sensors for when we think we are in danger and need to either fight it out or run like hell. This mechanism is a reflexive self-preservation response. I wondered for a long time why, since everyone has this capacity within our brains, all people do not turn to rage when provoked by some stimulation that looks to be life-threatening. After all, the world may not be necessarily a safe place these days, but few people defend themselves with all-out violence in order to protect themselves. I've concluded that what keeps most people in check about this is judgment...the capacity to make fine distinctions among events in their lives to decide what and how they will respond to people, places, things and situations that threaten them. This judgment is a thinking process. With it we are able to discern true danger from meaningless annoyance. Without it, we are subject to the unpredictable results of powerful chemicals coursing through our brains that are designed to save our lives. That young man gave himself permission (through his flawed judgment process long before this "attack" came) that it was alright for him to use rage to protect himself from the slightest aggravation. In other words, he had always reacted that way before so it was OK to react that way now: He was trapped like a prisoner in the past.
The AA Big Book teaches us that we cannot afford the luxury of a resentment, which is anger about the past that rules our present, much less rage. Addicts and alcoholics use resentment to fuel their use of drugs. "After all", we say, "if you had the problems I have, you'd drink too." We have a tendency to use old tools to fix new problems. We have a need to be on top and superior to those around us so we look 100% good, 100% of the time. And, when we fail at handling problems successfully, we lapse into a self-pity that justifies getting high to cope with the humiliation, shame and self-loathing. What a mess.
The fix for this is very simple, and I have written about this is an earlier posting here on February 15, 2010. When I accept life on life's terms as being exactly the way it ought to be at this moment, I obtain a serenity that allows me to suffer through what used to cause me to act out in rage. No longer do I see threats around every corner or in every person who slights me. No longer do I feel the need to protect my very life from the tiny wounds that life is able to inflict on any person today. And, no longer am I trapped in the past with old, worn-out ways of dealing with problems. Today, I've learned how to live as a pioneer in the future instead of a prisoner of the past. That is why I reach out to people and ask for help in dealing with many of life's problems. That is why I remain open to new solutions. That is why I am very unlikely today to just have simple insight into problems without the accompanying judgment to use the information I have been given. I feel better knowing that I have this capacity for it allows me to express the emotion of anger through my words rather than the behavior of rage through my fists. I am very grateful for this today.
All the best, Roger W.
Just the other day I was talking to one of my patients about anger and how it can be measured on a scale from 0 to 10 where 0 is having no emotion of anger and 10 is the absolute, out of control behavior of rage. At the moment he placed himself at a 7 and said he was there most days. I told him it is no wonder that he so easily flips tables, pounds walls and physically attacks people given that he has very little room to experience and express the emotion of anger in his life...all he really does is express the behavior of rage. He said he understood and we worked on ways to lower his anger on the scale. He said he understood how to do that as he reported he had moved down to a 4 during our talk.
Within 30 minutes, this young man had a fellow patient in a headlock and was thrashing him about the room because he was reacting to that peer's comment about his ethnic heritage. A seemingly innocuous comment from someone threw him into a rage, and he reported he could not remember what he had done, but quickly justified his behaviors as necessary to "protect myself". Unfortunately, this young man was soon discharged from the treatment center and had to go back to the family that had taught him how to be so enraged.
I learned from this episode. We know that we are a species that has built-in sensors for when we think we are in danger and need to either fight it out or run like hell. This mechanism is a reflexive self-preservation response. I wondered for a long time why, since everyone has this capacity within our brains, all people do not turn to rage when provoked by some stimulation that looks to be life-threatening. After all, the world may not be necessarily a safe place these days, but few people defend themselves with all-out violence in order to protect themselves. I've concluded that what keeps most people in check about this is judgment...the capacity to make fine distinctions among events in their lives to decide what and how they will respond to people, places, things and situations that threaten them. This judgment is a thinking process. With it we are able to discern true danger from meaningless annoyance. Without it, we are subject to the unpredictable results of powerful chemicals coursing through our brains that are designed to save our lives. That young man gave himself permission (through his flawed judgment process long before this "attack" came) that it was alright for him to use rage to protect himself from the slightest aggravation. In other words, he had always reacted that way before so it was OK to react that way now: He was trapped like a prisoner in the past.
The AA Big Book teaches us that we cannot afford the luxury of a resentment, which is anger about the past that rules our present, much less rage. Addicts and alcoholics use resentment to fuel their use of drugs. "After all", we say, "if you had the problems I have, you'd drink too." We have a tendency to use old tools to fix new problems. We have a need to be on top and superior to those around us so we look 100% good, 100% of the time. And, when we fail at handling problems successfully, we lapse into a self-pity that justifies getting high to cope with the humiliation, shame and self-loathing. What a mess.
The fix for this is very simple, and I have written about this is an earlier posting here on February 15, 2010. When I accept life on life's terms as being exactly the way it ought to be at this moment, I obtain a serenity that allows me to suffer through what used to cause me to act out in rage. No longer do I see threats around every corner or in every person who slights me. No longer do I feel the need to protect my very life from the tiny wounds that life is able to inflict on any person today. And, no longer am I trapped in the past with old, worn-out ways of dealing with problems. Today, I've learned how to live as a pioneer in the future instead of a prisoner of the past. That is why I reach out to people and ask for help in dealing with many of life's problems. That is why I remain open to new solutions. That is why I am very unlikely today to just have simple insight into problems without the accompanying judgment to use the information I have been given. I feel better knowing that I have this capacity for it allows me to express the emotion of anger through my words rather than the behavior of rage through my fists. I am very grateful for this today.
All the best, Roger W.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Bill W Film #2...
I have the pleasure today of presenting the second installment of the film on Bill W. and his wife Lois that was made a few years before his death. In this segment, Bill starts off by recounting what it was like to be with his old friend Ebby who had stopped drinking and found a new way of life. Since Bill was still getting drunk regularly at this point in his story, Bill was taken back by what his friend had to say, and the old signs of denial can be heard and felt in Bill's voice in this film.
I think it's terrific that we have the technological advantages today that make it possible for us to see, through the magic of the internet, a film like this that means so much to recovering people. Have fun as we continue the saga here and look forward to more episodes in the future.
Bill's Story 02
More Videos & Games at Microsoft
All the best, Roger W.
I think it's terrific that we have the technological advantages today that make it possible for us to see, through the magic of the internet, a film like this that means so much to recovering people. Have fun as we continue the saga here and look forward to more episodes in the future.
Bill's Story 02
More Videos & Games at Microsoft
All the best, Roger W.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Stress...
I felt an unusual amount of stress at work yesterday. I was the acting supervisor of my unit in a treatment program for young men who are addicted to drugs, and the added burden of having to do my job and someone else's job was almost too much for me. It happened to be a particularly difficult day with these patients and the amount of work was exponentially higher than had I been working with just my own patients.At the risk of sounding like I'm whining here, I want to assure readers that I am not complaining about the work itself, or the patients. Rather, I'm commenting on the stress. Stress can be very diffiult to deal with and we know that it is a silent killer. It raises blood pressure, levels of a dangerous stress hormone called cortisol, and contributes to what used to be called a nervous breakdown. For me, the definition of stress is "change" - either for the good or the bad - that comes into daily life. Whenever things change, there is stress. Good examples of this can be seen in the old "stress scale" that lists out various life events, from most stress as in "Death of a child or spouse" to least stress "Picking clothes to wear". When you check off all those you have experienced within the past 6 months, you get a total score that indicates the level of stress you have. I consistently score in the upper 25% on the stress scale.
I think one of the reasons for this is what I do for work. But, I truly believe that the major cause of this stress is that I am a recovering addict. Addicts and alcoholics hate change of any kind. As human beings we usually want to know what is going to happen next, but addicts take this to a whole new level. We not only want to know, we want to control the outcome to ensure it goes a certain way. We manipulate and arrange people, places, things, or situations to what we think is our advantage. While it is common to all of us that we do it, for addicts it is dangerous because when these plans fall through (as is most often the case) we tend to use drugs to compensate for the disappointment. We drink or take drugs to combat the stress that comes from not being so powerful that we can change life's events, and the higher on the scale these events are, the more we use.
There is a wonderful little book, "Who Moved My Cheeze", that I would recommend to anyone who is experiencing stress...particularly addicts. In this wonderful, inspiring allegory, the author describes what happens to the characters (ultimately us) when subjected to change. All recovering people ought to read this book largely because it shows there is a way out of the wilderness of stress. I re-read that book last night and immediately felt more relaxed. I recognized that rather than feeling as if I were the victim of stress, I was actually empowered to do something about it and manage to not only avoid the stressors itself, but also avoid the consequences of stress on my heart and my mind. We all have the power to redirect our energy based on reframing our view of a situation so that we find the possibilities for mastering change instead of succumbing to it. It's just a matter of getting out of our own way and allowing ourselves to move on. This fact is comforting.
So today, as I begin a new work day, I feel less stress already and more capacity to deal with whatever comes into my life. As I seem to say a lot in this journal...as long as I follow that way I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Happiness...
Even with an income of $100 million a year, it is doubtful Tiger Woods is happy. And, he seems to know it. Long before he made headlines with his scandal, Tiger's demeanor and look were of a man who was having little fun or happiness in life. His life is contrasted with the man I know who takes care of kids in a drug treatment center on the overnight shift, whose smile, ease of manner and firm handshake signal true happiness with what he does and who he is.
Happiness is a focus on the journey in life, not the destination. It is a concentration on having a mission, a purpose and valuing that. It is being loved, and knowing it. One can be isolated and physically hurting and, yet, still be happy. I think of the hermit like Thomas Merton who was ecstatically happy in his solitude even though in pain toward the end of life. And, I think of those I know who are mentally hurting but, nonetheless, maintain an ease and pleasantness about them. I think of a man with schizophrenia in Boston who hands out flowers daily at a train station with a smile and exuberance few can match.
The most salient characteristic of this kind of person seems to be their total immersion in the flow of life around them. They lose track of time. They seal out distractions. The are usually prodigeous achievers whether it be producing formulas about physics (Steven Hawking) or baking cookies (my friend Mary Kay). These are people who are difficult to interupt in their flow, but even turn cheerful when this is done, seeing the new person in their life's moment as just another benefit of doing what they do.
Recovery can produce such happiness. Once mired in the throes of addiction where the using itself eventually produced no happiness and only misery, many addicts find relief from this dreariness through abstinence and recovery. At first, there is the pain of having stopped the insanity of addictive behavior, and, when this stops, it can produce a form of happiness the 12 Step programs call the "pink cloud" stage. Everything seems possible in the brightness of the pasture once you emerge from the darkness of the woods. And, after a while, the true forms of happiness begin to show up in a delight with the process of recovery on a daily basis. Many people take pleasure in the rituals of recovery - readings, prayer, meditation, meetings - and, still others find joy in taking stock every day of where they are and what they stand for. Still more look forward to the benefits of sobriety along the way that are wirtten about in the AA Big Book on pages 83-84 in a paragraph called "The Promises". Whatever the process, people in recovery generally revel in the joy of living clean and serene, in the present moment, one day at a time.
So, I welcome Tiger and all the others who may be searching for true happiness to invest themselves in a program of recovery from their problems or addictions. I only ask that they remain open-minded, honest and willing and, armed with these attributes, they are sure to find happiness in life's journey.
All the best, Roger W.
Happiness is a focus on the journey in life, not the destination. It is a concentration on having a mission, a purpose and valuing that. It is being loved, and knowing it. One can be isolated and physically hurting and, yet, still be happy. I think of the hermit like Thomas Merton who was ecstatically happy in his solitude even though in pain toward the end of life. And, I think of those I know who are mentally hurting but, nonetheless, maintain an ease and pleasantness about them. I think of a man with schizophrenia in Boston who hands out flowers daily at a train station with a smile and exuberance few can match.
The most salient characteristic of this kind of person seems to be their total immersion in the flow of life around them. They lose track of time. They seal out distractions. The are usually prodigeous achievers whether it be producing formulas about physics (Steven Hawking) or baking cookies (my friend Mary Kay). These are people who are difficult to interupt in their flow, but even turn cheerful when this is done, seeing the new person in their life's moment as just another benefit of doing what they do.
Recovery can produce such happiness. Once mired in the throes of addiction where the using itself eventually produced no happiness and only misery, many addicts find relief from this dreariness through abstinence and recovery. At first, there is the pain of having stopped the insanity of addictive behavior, and, when this stops, it can produce a form of happiness the 12 Step programs call the "pink cloud" stage. Everything seems possible in the brightness of the pasture once you emerge from the darkness of the woods. And, after a while, the true forms of happiness begin to show up in a delight with the process of recovery on a daily basis. Many people take pleasure in the rituals of recovery - readings, prayer, meditation, meetings - and, still others find joy in taking stock every day of where they are and what they stand for. Still more look forward to the benefits of sobriety along the way that are wirtten about in the AA Big Book on pages 83-84 in a paragraph called "The Promises". Whatever the process, people in recovery generally revel in the joy of living clean and serene, in the present moment, one day at a time.
So, I welcome Tiger and all the others who may be searching for true happiness to invest themselves in a program of recovery from their problems or addictions. I only ask that they remain open-minded, honest and willing and, armed with these attributes, they are sure to find happiness in life's journey.
All the best, Roger W.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Emotions...
In one of my meditations books, Day by Day - Second Edition: Daily Meditations For Recovering Addicts
, I read about emotions and how they can be regulated. I noticed that they essentially said that I am responsible for having the emotions I have and that I can change the emotions nearly at will. This may come as a strange surprise to many people because the more popular notion is that you cannot change your emotions no more than you can change the color of your eyes.Yet, it is true that our emotions are generated by our thoughts and what we literally think about a person, place, thing, or situation determines the emotion that we experience. Those who dispute this usually point to the emotion of fear and say, "See, there's an emotion that is not dependent on thinking for I am just naturally scared when something frightens me." The trouble with this thought is that the same person, place, thing, or situation may not effect two people the same way, i.e., one may become frightened and another exhilarated by the same event. A thunderstorm is a good example of this: One of us is scared by the sound and fury, and another of us is so happy with it we grab a camera to photograph the lightening bolts. The difference is in the thinking: One assumes they will be struck by the lightening, another that it will never hit them. One cowers, shivering in a corner. Another throws open the doors and dashes out into the rain. It all has to do with thinking.
But, if you take some simpler and less powerful emotions than fear, one might even see the point more clearly. If you believe that the world is a hostile place, where people will humiliate you at the drop of a hat, where embarrassment is everywhere, where you are never truly safe from danger, it is no wonder that you will develop signs of social phobia and feel emotions of uncomfortability, nervousness and fear. If you feel insecure, it is certain that you do not trust others and think they will withdraw their love. If you feel angry, it is certain that you think someone has wronged you. If you feel love, it is certain that you think the other is worthy of your love. The list could go on.
One of the things we do when we do not accept responsibility for what we think is allow ourselves to blame other people for what we feel. "YOU, make me angry", we scream, "This PLACE makes me feels uncomfortable", we moan, and "I hate the SITUATION you placed me in", we cry. Instead, it should be that I make me angry, uncomfortable and tearful because of what I think about the people, places, things and situations in my life.
It is not just the negative emotions that are caused by this process. Like the meditation book says, if we make conditions within ourselves (thinking) healthy, then we will be able to enjoy happiness and joy that will also be a part of our experience. We do this by always being alert to change our thinking so it always reflects reality. It is appropriate to be sad if someone runs over our dog, or a tree falls on our house. But, it is also appropriate to be happy to think that we will get a new dog and that we will fix our roof too. It literally is the old adage of thinking of the glass as being half empty or half full. We can choose how we regard the people, places, things, and situations in our life, and our choice determines our emotions and ultimately our behaviors.
I wrote on February 15, 2010 that I believe the "Acceptance" paragraph in the AA Big Book on page 417 is the only way to live. Because I accept life just the way it is, I recognize that I have to be willing to change me and my thinking in order to be happy and serene. To demand it be any other way is to set myself up for misery. It is so easy to avoid that. All I need to do is have faith in my Higher Power and I will be able to withstand any injustice, weather any storm, suffer any sadness, rejoice at any happiness, and find serenity.
So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
New Feature...
I'm very happy to report that it will be possible to bring a very special video production to The Happy Hour in serial form during the next six weeks.
I recently found a source on the internet for a film on Bill W. that was made at his home in which he basically tells his story for the viewer. This video, which I think was made not long before his death in 1971, is hard to hear in some spots, but is a marvel to those of us in the 12 Step programs because it is a close up look at one of its founders talking about his recovery.
So, click on the feature below and sit back to enjoy Bill's story, once a week on The Happy Hour blog.
All the best, Roger W.
I recently found a source on the internet for a film on Bill W. that was made at his home in which he basically tells his story for the viewer. This video, which I think was made not long before his death in 1971, is hard to hear in some spots, but is a marvel to those of us in the 12 Step programs because it is a close up look at one of its founders talking about his recovery.
So, click on the feature below and sit back to enjoy Bill's story, once a week on The Happy Hour blog.
All the best, Roger W.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Saving face...
There's an old (and indelicate) adage in the rooms of recovery that says, "You can't save your face and your ass at the same time." For many of us this is a big decision, for when we used we were most often concerned with saving face, and when in recovery, saving our ass. But the need to choose still lingers.
A friend of mine came to me and talked about whether or not he ought to stay on his antidepressant medication. He said he didn't want to be "like those people who stay on medication for the rest of their lives." In effect, he was saying that he wanted to save face by not being like those he looked down upon and regarded as someone who did not fit his self concept. He did not want to accept his illness for what it is...a biologically driven problem that needed the best medicine possible to ease the pain it caused. Fortunately, the man makes the decision to stay on his medications every day so as to ease the mental pain and allow himself to come to the table of recovery to enjoy its bounty.
It is often said that we have choice now that we are clean and sober, and it's true. But, we do not have the choice whether to use or not. That is a foregone conclusion if left up to me, the addict: I will get high if you give me the choice. No, the choice is whether or not I believe (Step Two) that I have power in my life today to make the right choice to stay clean. There's a big difference. Part of that choice is whether or not I believe that I will survive life on life's terms and prevail over the problems that want to drag me down far enough that I abandon the hope that I will not use. The other part of this is whether or not I choose to have hope in daily recovery.
The whole idea behind whether or not someone like my friend takes his medication hinges on this belief that he will survive no matter what comes his way. That depression is in his life is something he needs to come to accept so he can choose to apply the proper remedy and move on, trudging to his happy destiny, as Bill W. would say. To have symptoms even when he takes his medicine is one of the confounding problems with thinking, for it makes him think that the choice to take medication is not working, so why continue. What I think he misses is how much worse he would be - and how the notion of choosing would never come to his mind - if he did not take the medication. He needs to believe that concept so he can continue to stay as healthy as possible and solve life's problems with the help of his Higher Power.
These choices can blind us to the real problem. Fundamentally I know that, as a recovering addict, I have a disease that will constantly tell me I do not have it. I will sometimes tell myself that I do not deserve this disease and that I am different that others to the extent that I cannot have in my life those positive things that make life meaningful. My thinking was bent, warped and twisted for many years and, today, what I think of as choice about problems is really the product of those years of mental turmoil. I have to guard against thinking that I have all the answers, remain humble and teachable, and constantly renew my relationship with my Higher Power so I can feel the hope for recovery every day. My Higher Power wants me to choose things that save my ass, not my face, and I need to continuously remind myself of that. I say it a lot, but, so long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
A friend of mine came to me and talked about whether or not he ought to stay on his antidepressant medication. He said he didn't want to be "like those people who stay on medication for the rest of their lives." In effect, he was saying that he wanted to save face by not being like those he looked down upon and regarded as someone who did not fit his self concept. He did not want to accept his illness for what it is...a biologically driven problem that needed the best medicine possible to ease the pain it caused. Fortunately, the man makes the decision to stay on his medications every day so as to ease the mental pain and allow himself to come to the table of recovery to enjoy its bounty.
It is often said that we have choice now that we are clean and sober, and it's true. But, we do not have the choice whether to use or not. That is a foregone conclusion if left up to me, the addict: I will get high if you give me the choice. No, the choice is whether or not I believe (Step Two) that I have power in my life today to make the right choice to stay clean. There's a big difference. Part of that choice is whether or not I believe that I will survive life on life's terms and prevail over the problems that want to drag me down far enough that I abandon the hope that I will not use. The other part of this is whether or not I choose to have hope in daily recovery.
The whole idea behind whether or not someone like my friend takes his medication hinges on this belief that he will survive no matter what comes his way. That depression is in his life is something he needs to come to accept so he can choose to apply the proper remedy and move on, trudging to his happy destiny, as Bill W. would say. To have symptoms even when he takes his medicine is one of the confounding problems with thinking, for it makes him think that the choice to take medication is not working, so why continue. What I think he misses is how much worse he would be - and how the notion of choosing would never come to his mind - if he did not take the medication. He needs to believe that concept so he can continue to stay as healthy as possible and solve life's problems with the help of his Higher Power.
These choices can blind us to the real problem. Fundamentally I know that, as a recovering addict, I have a disease that will constantly tell me I do not have it. I will sometimes tell myself that I do not deserve this disease and that I am different that others to the extent that I cannot have in my life those positive things that make life meaningful. My thinking was bent, warped and twisted for many years and, today, what I think of as choice about problems is really the product of those years of mental turmoil. I have to guard against thinking that I have all the answers, remain humble and teachable, and constantly renew my relationship with my Higher Power so I can feel the hope for recovery every day. My Higher Power wants me to choose things that save my ass, not my face, and I need to continuously remind myself of that. I say it a lot, but, so long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
New ideas...
The are some who say that the recovering person really has no need for new ideas, and that he or she gets along best with the same, old, recognized ideas they have already. For me, this could not be further from the truth.
Recovery depends on stretching beyond the known realm of my presentation to the world into the relatively unknown realm of emotions. This is really not a new idea even though some say that the notion of peeling back the outer shell of our defenses is a radical idea. Oh, many give lip service the the concept of disclosing feelings, but most people are content to live with the idea that he or she does not have to reach out to others for help, not bond with people who suffer the same problems as they do, and survive with their old defenses. For them, it is a dramatically new idea that recovery depends on emotional unity with others.
I was thinking about this the other day when it suddenly struck me how I have isolated many of my emotions in recovery. I spoke earlier in this journal of how fellowship is an imporant part of 12 Step recovery, but I fear that I have held back and not joined emotionally with my brothers and sisters in recovery as much as I should. In other words, I have not peeled back the outer shell enough for most others to see and experience. I have not expressed many different emotions to people except those that I give myself permission to express such as superficial anger or happiness. I have withheld them because I have the mistaken, old, recognized idea that people will not understand my deeper emotions or even care that I have them. There is also the lingering fear of humilitation, of having people say, "See...he's not as healthy as he appears", or "You can't go to him for guidance...he's as messed up as I am." These old ideas keep me sick and set up unnecessary pressures inside of me.
The new idea that Bill W. and Dr. Bob brought to the world of addiction was that we cannot recover alone. They proved that we need other addicts and alcoholics to help us through the problems of everyday life that are relapse warning signs, triggers or high risk situations that threaten our recovery. This is a new idea I have come to accept - on the surface - but, I sometimes don't find myself digging deeper to dislodge those critical emotions with other addicts such as loneliness, fear, dread, worry or confusion. I think this is what Bill and Bob were actually saying: We must get absolutely real with our friends in recovery and risk telling them exactly what is on our minds and in our hearts. Sharing this may not be comfortable, but it is necessary to ensure that these negative emotions lying beneath the surface of my life get expressed so I can strengthen my bonds with other addicts in recovery.
Therefore, I plan to do that very thing tonight when I speak at a meeting inside a local jail where those of us on the Narcotics Anonymous Hospitals & Institutions committee carry the message of recovery to men who cannot get out to regular NA meetings. I plan to get real with my emotions and tell them how numb I can sometimes feel, or how lonely it can be as a single person in this world, or how complacent I can become. I expect that more than one of them can relate to these feelings and, thereby, we can form a bond that is strong, enduring and precious. I know that as long as I follow the new ideas laid out for me by the principles of the NA program, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
Recovery depends on stretching beyond the known realm of my presentation to the world into the relatively unknown realm of emotions. This is really not a new idea even though some say that the notion of peeling back the outer shell of our defenses is a radical idea. Oh, many give lip service the the concept of disclosing feelings, but most people are content to live with the idea that he or she does not have to reach out to others for help, not bond with people who suffer the same problems as they do, and survive with their old defenses. For them, it is a dramatically new idea that recovery depends on emotional unity with others.
I was thinking about this the other day when it suddenly struck me how I have isolated many of my emotions in recovery. I spoke earlier in this journal of how fellowship is an imporant part of 12 Step recovery, but I fear that I have held back and not joined emotionally with my brothers and sisters in recovery as much as I should. In other words, I have not peeled back the outer shell enough for most others to see and experience. I have not expressed many different emotions to people except those that I give myself permission to express such as superficial anger or happiness. I have withheld them because I have the mistaken, old, recognized idea that people will not understand my deeper emotions or even care that I have them. There is also the lingering fear of humilitation, of having people say, "See...he's not as healthy as he appears", or "You can't go to him for guidance...he's as messed up as I am." These old ideas keep me sick and set up unnecessary pressures inside of me.
The new idea that Bill W. and Dr. Bob brought to the world of addiction was that we cannot recover alone. They proved that we need other addicts and alcoholics to help us through the problems of everyday life that are relapse warning signs, triggers or high risk situations that threaten our recovery. This is a new idea I have come to accept - on the surface - but, I sometimes don't find myself digging deeper to dislodge those critical emotions with other addicts such as loneliness, fear, dread, worry or confusion. I think this is what Bill and Bob were actually saying: We must get absolutely real with our friends in recovery and risk telling them exactly what is on our minds and in our hearts. Sharing this may not be comfortable, but it is necessary to ensure that these negative emotions lying beneath the surface of my life get expressed so I can strengthen my bonds with other addicts in recovery.
Therefore, I plan to do that very thing tonight when I speak at a meeting inside a local jail where those of us on the Narcotics Anonymous Hospitals & Institutions committee carry the message of recovery to men who cannot get out to regular NA meetings. I plan to get real with my emotions and tell them how numb I can sometimes feel, or how lonely it can be as a single person in this world, or how complacent I can become. I expect that more than one of them can relate to these feelings and, thereby, we can form a bond that is strong, enduring and precious. I know that as long as I follow the new ideas laid out for me by the principles of the NA program, I have nothing to fear.
All the best, Roger W.
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