I was recounting the other day to one of my patients that it would be necessary for him to get a host of new friends in recovery if he had any chance to remain clean and sober after treatment. This came as a blow to him. It was a direct assault on not only one of his relapse warning signs, but also on his reservations about recovery in general. Come to find out, he had been telephoning old using buddies throughout his stay in treatment and had elaborate plans to hang with them afterwards.
The old saying in the 12 Step programs is, "If you hang around a barber shop for a while, sooner or later you're gonna get a haircut." I told him that it was virtually inevitable that, should he decide to hang around with old, using friends, he would again pickup drugs right where he left off. Of course, this didn't go down well with him and he scoffed at the idea he could not do what he wanted at first. But, soon, the tears came as he sobbed about how lonely he was and how desperate he was for the bonding companionship of his friends. In fact, his association with them went far beyond just mutual support for using...it had become the core value in his life and he saw himself as someone who could not survive outside the tight gravitational pull of the group to which he belonged outside of treatment. Given this, I did what I usually do with these young men: I told him my story and what I had to do to stay clean and sober. I told him of how, in early sobriety, I had to pull out of three key relationships in my life in order to stay off alcohol and other drugs.
I told him of having to say goodbye to Larry, a close friend with whom I shared many great times and a close bond. I had laughed with him and cried with him. I had many long conversations about important issues of the day with him. My wife and I, together with Roberta and Larry became a wonderful team it seemed. I admired him for his comeback in life and how hard he worked. But, most of all, I liked Larry because he always had a lot of booze and had become one of the biggest cocaine dealers in New England. When I got clean, I knew I had to avoid him to stay well. He was still using and dealing. So, I shunned him. He never forgot or forgave me for that and a few years later when I tried to hook back up with him because I heard he was finally sober, he hung up the phone on me. I hurt, but I stayed clean.
I told him of David and how I used to help him with his political campaigns. I had an easy-going, familiar, and honest relationship with David. We talked politics for hours and I am the one who convinced him to get an MBA degree, and he did, and he became an important businessman in his community. I even forgave David for becoming a Republican! And, it didn't seem possible that "we" would ever end. But, there never was a day that David and I got together that we weren't drinking a beer and smoking a joint. I regret I never went to his wedding, but, at the time, I couldn't sit in a hall full of these old friends using around me and still hope to stay clean, so I passed on it, never gave him an explanation, and haven't heard from him since. I hurt, but I stayed clean.
And, then there was Stephen. He was the closest to me of all the men I have ever met in my life at the time. A true brother to me that I never had. He was exciting as a politician and an intellectual and we would hatch great plans for the universe in our kitchens over tea. He was always the center of attention and I basked in the reflection of everyone soon coming to know that we were the best of friends and I, of all the people we knew, was closest to him. He took me to Washington with him and got me work and we tore up that town with hard work and plenty of ideas and had a lot of fun. I was never really out of his sight for more than a few days for nearly 20 years. We were a pair, we were sharp as razors, we were accomplished young men, we were fun and exciting, and, we were nearly always loaded. Hardly a day passed in all the time we were together when we weren't drinking or smoking weed. Saying goodbye to him that day in May was the hardest thing I ever did. I hurt, but I stayed clean.
Now, when the topic comes up of having to save your own life and make the tough choices for recovery, I always tell people about having to walk away from these men. I tell them of the pain and sorrow, the grief and the confusion, and the longing and the loneliness of being without them. But, I also tell how I survived the temptations to give in to the pressure inside that wanted me to compromise my deepest value for saving my own life in favor of companionship. I tell them of the new friends I have...one is a man who I greatly respect and in whom I have placed my trust and love...where the bonds are much stronger than they were with Larry, David and Stephen. And, I tell them of the joy of knowing that there is nothing hidden in my life today that can cause me to use alcohol or any other drug.
When I look back on the people, places, things and situations that could have destroyed my life, I marvel at the courage I have been able to find to make the tough choices about who I want in my life and who I have to walk away from. I would not have done it differently were I to have the chance to do it again. I know that I may or may not see these men again, but, regardless, I'll stay clean.
All the best, Roger W.
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