Today, I am grateful NA exists. Were it not for this fellowship I may not have been able to stay clean all these years. And, the overall acceptance NA members have had for me at nearly every turn has spelled the difference between who I was before and who I became after December 19, 1987.
NA accepted me when I could not accept myself, and that is its extraordinary Power. When I was struggling with identifying as being an addict, NA was there to help me. When I was desperately trying to identify with NA peers by overstating my drug use history in those early years, they accepted me despite knowing I was doing that. I have long struggled with being accepted for who I am, and I have often created a "personna of the moment" just to fit in. It almost always worked...people accepted who I presented myself as being. Only problem was, I felt I did not belong. It took years before I felt comfortable with being a member of a club where I had basically faked my way in. Adapting the way I did worked since I was able to stay clean and enjoy NA's fellowship, but it always came at the price of me not feeling welcome.
It took years before I was able to tell my story in NA from a truthful point of view because of the shame at thinking I had gained entry based on lies and fabrication. I feel I have hurt some people along the way and I do not like looking at that fact. But, as Mary (my counselor at the drug rehab center where I got clean) once told me, I will change my behaviors when I truly realize that of all the people harmed by my behaviors, I am the one who has been harmed the most. I hurt myself when I lied to NA.
I need to come to accept that my alcoholism - comparatively shallow as it was - was sufficiently bad enough to cause me extraordinary pain and earn admission into the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I need to repeat to myself that the loss of jobs, two marriages, access to my children, numerous personal relationships, and my mental health were all due to drinking and taking drugs. I need to keep it very green that I was one of those people whose personality change was total and dramatic - every bit as much as the change between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - when I drank and smoked marijuana or Thai sticks. And even now, 23 years after my last drink, I need to remember that it is not the drug I use, or when or how much of it I use, but the fact that I can become addicted to any drug that causes a threat or consequence in my life. I cannot drink safely. I cannot use other drugs safely. Moreover, I cannot afford the loss of my mental health when I use because I become unsafe.
NA knows this and uses its power of the fellowship to keep me in the fold by having other members welcome me and accept me as the man I am today. In fact, this is very much a Higher Power for me today that I trust will keep me clean. This Power knows what only other addicts can fully understand and appreciate: I was once obsessed with drugs in my life and compelled to use them even when my will was to not use. There is no other place on earth that I can find where I will be so accepted. And, this makes me grateful today. "My gratitude speaks when I care and when I share the NA way..." the prayer goes, and I hope to return the love, acceptance and care to fellow addicts everyday.
So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear!
All the best, Roger W.
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