Acceptance is the answer...

I was thinking today of the amount of anxiety I have over the comprehensive exam results I am expecting and how my recovery program teaches me to cope with it. What immediately came to mind was the famous "Page 417 of the Big Book"... which reads:

"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."

When I de-construct that paragraph in relation to my anxiety over my exams, I discover the answer to my problems.

First there is the point that I am disturbed because I find something (my exam results) in some situation (being judged by three professors) as being unacceptable to me. Somehow I think that this ought not to be happening. It might be the same old story as anyone who was once an active alcoholic - "What right have they got to judge me... don't they know who I am!" This is, very deep down, an unacceptable position for me to be in and it certainly doesn't make me serene when I think this way.

But, the author of this paragraph is telling me that I cannot be happy until I come to accept that this disturbing situation is exactly as it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing happens by mistake and I am in a situation that, as uncomfortable as it may be, certainly was of my choosing, make no mistake about it. I came to accept my alcoholism as a fact of life for me and with it came the realization that the people, places, things, and situations that I come across in recovery are a part of life on life's terms, not mine. I cannot control things any more...I lost that battle with the bottle... and I cannot control the natural flow of life in recovery either.

Unless I come to accept that nothing happens by mistake I cannot be happy. No matter what the outcome, whether I pass or fail, makes no difference in my Higher Power's world because whatever happens there is the way life's goodness flows for me. I have come to believe deeply that should I pass, it is the way my Higher Power has designed my world, and, should I fail, that it is just another way my Higher Power works in my life. Who am I to know for certain that I should get this degree? While it may be true that I think it would be a good thing to get it, how do I know that having such a degree might actually be the worst thing for me in my world? On the other hand, getting the degree might be the very best thing for me at this time of life. When it comes right down to it, I don't know.

Like the author said, I need to not so much try to change the world as change me. And, that's where faith - the antidote to fear, dread and anxiety - comes into play. I have come to believe that my Higher Power has nothing but the very best in store for me, no matter which way this exam situation turns out. And, that is no small accomplishment for an alcoholic like me who once believed he was invincible and all-knowing.

So, here I sit today, waiting for exam results that won't be available for another week and quietly communing with my Higher Power by seeking knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. Now, I ask, is that a great place to be, or what!

All the best, Roger