Word just in...

I PASSED MY EXAMS!

Now, this did not come as a big shock to many people who know me and who have given me huge encouragement during the past month. Many believed I would sail through this. And, they were right.

But, to me, it comes as welcome relief for weeks of worry about the outcome and my academic future. One friend noted that this whole event challenged me to my toes about how I think of myself and my capacities. She's right. The issue of whether I could get through these exams became a big referendum for me on the inside about who I was as a man and what I stand for. Perhaps, for many people it wouldn't be this way, but, for me, this exam process was a direct focus on my sense of self and self-esteem.

Why it was this way is a question for the ages and may apply to many other people who read this here. It seems that one of the major contributors to this lack of confidence has a lot to do with the guilt I experience over the number of years I wasted getting wasted. When you spend 21 years involved with alcohol and drugs and become addicted to them, there is the feeling that you are unworthy of any goodness in your life because you squandered so much time and talent. Then, there is the sense that your Higher Power may be a punishing god that wants to inflict pain on you because of the time spent wasting away...

Whatever the cause, the feeling of anticipation, frenzy, despair and dread that came over me just before and during the time I was working on these exams made me very worried about this whole process. Now, since I have been validated by the process and by my professors, I get a sense of enormous relief followed by questioning, "Why did I put myself through that turmoil?" But, I've decided that I'm not going to go down that road. The big difference between me dwelling on the problem as I used to do and moving on the way I do today rests in what I said in my last post about acceptance being the answer to all my problems today. There was a time when I would have ruminated about the questions this exam process conjured up. But, not today. Now I have a Higher Power in my life that gave me the confidence and peace of mind through this process to know that no matter how things turned out, I was going to be OK. That's a far cry from the way I used to deal with the problem. So, I'm not staying on the same page as the past.

Instead, I'm going to rejoice. This is a very big time for me and represents more than 3.5 years of accomplishment. So, I'm heading out for a massage, a movie, and a huge tray of fresh Sushi to celebrate. It doesn't get any better than that.

Thanks for your support and encouragement and for following my exploits here.

All the best, Roger