Fear of Fear Itself...

Most often, addicts or alcoholics in early recovery are afraid to express emotions that have lived dormant for many years. There is the sense that, should the emotions be released, they would be flooded with panic and unbearable pain. The situation can be like having a phobia ("emophobia"?) against the expression of emotions.

I have a patient who is so afraid of expressing emotion that he breaks into a sweat, flushes his face, reports heart palpitations and starts to shiver at the mere thought of expressing an emotion. He envisions himself collapsing in front of everyone, writhing on the ground, soiling his pants and having people around him laughing, taunting and humiliating him. He says he is basically afraid of "looking stupid in front of everyone" should he show any emotion that he thinks other people do not expect from him.

This may be a far-fetched example, but herein lies the key to a problem many people have. The self talk that this man uses to justify he is right to fear emotional expression is inside the notion that it will not please people to hear how he really feels. At root, he may be a perfectionistic people-pleaser. If this is true, then the remedy for the situation is to find out how people around him would actually think and feel about what he has to say. Undoubtedly, their thoughts would not be what he predicts, for few people humiliate others simply because they express feelings. Then, armed with the facts of the situation, he would be in a position to learn that his fears are unfounded and that he can change his approach. Once he expresses an emotion, gets positive feedback from it, and learns that he comes way unharmed, he ought to see how his fears are reduced. This will make it easier to express feelings the next time.

Of course, the whole point of this work is to prevent relapse. Too often we are using alcohol and other drugs as ways to avoid emotions or soften the impact of emotions felt and expressed. I am pessimistic about my patient because he is so stubbornly entrenched in his unhealthy beliefs and fears. But, I have been optimistic about others who have this problem when they link the fear to the act of using. Once there is a link and the person sees how destructive harboring fearful emotions can be, they usually agree to try the method I mentioned.

Naturally, one of the best and safest places to express emotions is at a 12 Step meeting. There, people will listen because they have often experienced the same emotions and fear and are willing to help a person through them. There is hope for recovery once we see that our emotions are not to be feared, but expressed in straight forward and creative ways. The 12 Steps are designed to help a person come to believe that there is hope for recovery and, armed with power obtained from working the steps, we are fearless in facing life on life's terms.

All the best, Roger W.