Just for Today...

I had just checked in to the Lutsen Lodge along the north shore of Lake Superior for a few days of relaxation when it hit me. I wandered into the bar to wait for them to prepare my room because I had just eaten and did not want to go into the restaurant. Then, suddenly, it occurred to me that I could have a drink. "After all," I said to myself, "who would know?"

When this happens - and it happens still every now and then even after 22 years clean - I am amazed at its power. I can be hit with a rationalization and justification to drink and in a brief moment I can think about throwing it all away. For an instant, drinking can seem to be better for me than staying sober, and the obsession can rear it ugly head to make me think that my best interests, my future, my hopes and my dreams all reside inside a bottle. This is astounding to me because to drink alcohol certainly is insanity for me.

It is no wonder that so many people in early recovery roll over and give in to the suggestion that drinking is OK when it presents itself in such a subtle and diabolical way as it did to me in that bar this afternoon. I can only conclude that my potential relapse came as the end result of a longer process of unhealthy thinking that first led me into the bar and then to the idea that a drink would be a good idea. That is real cunning. That is real power. And, that is real dangerous. I can just imagine how some peoples' willpower gives in to this kind of pressure and how those who are new in recovery might not see these early signs that lead up to the idea that one, simple drink would be alright.

The incident reminded me of what happened to Bill W. that day in the lobby of the Akron hotel he was staying at on that fateful busines trip. When he resisted the lure of the bar at one end of the lobby for the telephone at the other end he began a process that resulted in the creation of AA.  It may be nothing but AA folklore, but I read that in order to get the nickles he needed for the phone calls, Bill went into the bar to cash a dollar bill instead of to the front desk. It was at that moment that he too must have thought, "Who would know?" But, armed with the belief he could only resist a drink if he made the phone calls looking for another drunk to talk with, Bill walked to the phones and found Dr. Bob.

Today, I have no Dr. Bob to call, so I write to readers of my blog instead. Today, I rely on my Higher Power to pull me through. Standing in that bar I knew I was in trouble, and I prayed that the obsession to use would be lifted from me. It was. And, I promptly came to my room when it was ready and started to write. Now, the power of the drink is gone and I am restored to sanity: I said to myself, "It is not that anyone would know... it's that I would know."

I love that last part. When confronted with what might ordinarily be a disasterous event, I prevail thanks to the program of AA and NA that saves me from certain death. It again teaches me that, left up to my own devices, I would choose to get loaded and high, but choosing to rely on my Higher Power brings me to sobriety, joy and success.

So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.

All the best, Roger W.